I miss my kid. I hate it.

[u/dazzleunexpired]

​

Tw: infant loss. Please leave now if this is going to harm you. I have tried to block the first bit. If it's broken I'll try to work on it as soon as I post it.

My baby was born 10 years ago today (well. For 5 more mins today. B 6/24/16). My baby died 36 days later. Today, only one person remembered my baby who wasn't obligated to. It took 10 years. Not 9 but 10. The person who remembered had an alarm set and has it set forever for every year. Only 10 years

I miss my baby

Will you miss my baby with me, please?

Tell me if your favorite memories with your babies? Or Pets? Or funny kid stories? (I do have a surviving 8 year old)Tell me if your loss babies if you want? Cry about pot loss or parent loss with me? Be with me? I have family, they're here but asleep. I will be too, soon. Before too long. But is really love to wake up to stories and people to talk to, and fall asleep that way too. Or cute animals?

I'm going to include pictures of my child in the comments. Please, no one get upset. She's very much dead.

Her name was Cambridge "Cammi" Armstrong. If you think you know me from this comment and had HG, you do know me. Hi. It happens a few times a year someone will.

I had bread and butter (it goes on the bread I promise) and a Mt olive pickle and red onion pickles eta: o that's pepperoni too. Aldi.

Anyone got any advice or just wanna talk into I can manage to sleep or let me wake up to wonderful things? I'm sorry I'm asking so much. My son is away at camp and I'm sad.

edit

Oh. My. God. Almost 900 comments. I am responding to as many as I can but I am reading all of them. If you have lost a child and want to talk or need advice please please please dm me if I didn't respond to you.

edit 2:

The metrics of this post make me want to sob. Over 650,000 people have seen this post. The top three countries are the United States, UK and Canada up at 11% of the people who have read this post are not from the United States, Canada or the UK. Over 500 people have shared his post outside of Reddit. I don't have the words for what it means to me that this many people acknowledged my child's existence. I can't. I thought maybe 15 of you would see this. This is crazy.

edit 3:

Almost a million views. Y'all. 🥹🥹🥹🥹

[u/dazzleunexpired]

And this. Crosssed out my ex.

[u/dazzleunexpired → u/dazzleunexpired]

Seconds old

[u/Funeralbarbie31 → u/dazzleunexpired]

I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss, I’m both a loss mum myself and a funeral director. I hope it will bring you an ounce of comfort to know every baby trusted into our care leaves their own tiny mark on our hearts, we remember their names, we remember the colour of the beautiful blankets we wrap them in, we say good morning and goodnight, we stay longer hours so they aren’t alone and we always leave a light on for them.

I light a candle every evening anytime I have a baby in my care, and tonight I’ll light a candle for your angel.

Sending you love and healing energy

[u/dazzleunexpired → u/Funeralbarbie31]

Also, the funeral director after handing me her body for visitation looked at me very few seconds, opened his mouth, closed his mouth, opened it again and said " can I take a picture of you on your phone? I promise you're going to want it later." At first I was so offended I didn't know what to say but then I realized I would never ever ever again hold my baby.

I love those photos. They are very hard to look at but I love them so much. The very last time I ever held her body, her shell. And he knew this was how the pain could be helped later on and made sure that I knew. 🥹🥹🥹

People like you really change our lives and I know you know that, but I just need you to know that the first people that truly grasp the depth of my sorrow was the funeral home. They also refused to run visitations or funerals during the times they let me come look at her. They turned the entire building down so that everyone needed jackets so that I could hold her for longer than a few minutes too 🥹🥹🥹🥹

[u/Funeralbarbie31 → u/dazzleunexpired]

I’m so glad you were looked after, we also charge no fees for children under the age of 16, there’s no universe that should ever profit from the loss of a child.

When I lost my son I didn’t look after him myself, nor the company I work for, I knew if he was near me I would never be able to let anyone else care for him, I also knew I wouldn’t be able to do it myself, nor would it help me.

The hardest thing with babies is how quickly their precious skin deteriorates, unlike with adults we can’t plan multiple visits, we just can’t always guarantee nor guess how long a baby will stay viewable. Because of this I think it’s so incredibly important to encourage pictures, changes of clothing etc, part of that is allowing those families as much time as they need to become comfortable, ensuring they feel safe and supported.

I would never tell a mum I understand her pain, I just try to show her I want to share it, whether that’s helping with paperwork, or holding her up when that grief just feels too heavy. It’s truly the greatest honour for us to be trusted with these angels, I think I speak on behalf of many when I say it never gets easier, these angels really do leave such a mark on our hearts.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/dazzleunexpired → u/Funeralbarbie31]

The funeral workers for some of the most loving individuals I've ever met in my life. They refused any form of profit. We paid exactly the cost to run the crematory and that was it.

I know you know how infants look after autopsy. The fucking autopsy office didn't send a hat with her and the funeral home didn't have any that fit a baby her size. So the staff member cut off her t-shirt sleeve and made a hat for the baby so that I didn't have to see her head. 🥹🥹🥹

[u/dinosaurtreefrog → u/dazzleunexpired]

Love is real and exists and your daughter felt that with you🩷🫂

[u/bojevic → u/Funeralbarbie31]

This is actually really comforting to hear. One of the hardest parts about my daughter passing was having to leave her behind. I didn’t want her to be alone. Thank you for sharing.

[u/hanginwithmygnomees → u/Funeralbarbie31]

I’m a funeral director and embalmer, and you are absolutely correct. Babies and children always leave an indelible mark on us, and while we don’t always show it because we need to be strong and supportive, we often grieve right alongside the families of lost loved ones.

[u/dragonfruit426 → u/hanginwithmygnomees]

I just want to say thank you for what you do. When my daughter was stillborn I bought a small urn, but they took so much to do the autopsy and she decayed so much (passed in utero) by the time she was born. They separated her bones and what little was left of her ashes. The director not only covered the cost in full, but handcrafted an incredibly small urn made of gold with some sort of pearl (?) for her too. To this day I am so so grateful that what I have of her “fits” her, that her resting place was made with love and compassion that I needed for her and myself so desperately at the time. 🖤

[u/Cat-in_the-wall → u/Funeralbarbie31]

Beautiful and heartbreaking. How wonderful of you to do that for them. I’m glad there are people like you in the world.

[u/CycleWoman64 → u/Funeralbarbie31]

This is such a kind and gentle message! 💙

[u/Strawberry17Sunshine → u/Funeralbarbie31]

I’ve not lost a child, but this made me quite literally burst into tears. Thanks for all you do.

[u/Catherine_the_Okay → u/Funeralbarbie31]

This made me cry. Thank you for everything to do for these babies and their families.

[u/lexi1095 → u/Funeralbarbie31]

I love you for putting this much love into your work

[u/Funeralbarbie31 → u/lexi1095]

Unfortunately funeral work in the UK is absolutely diabolical in terms of wages, you’re lucky to earn the national living wage, so you’ll find most of us do it for the love of the job. As in any role there will always be a bad egg, and those are the few you tend to hear about. For myself and many others being trusted to care for a loved one when they’re unable to care for themselves is the biggest honour and we don’t take that for granted

[u/Catherine_the_Okay → u/Funeralbarbie31]

That’s wild. As a job it’s generally good to very good money in the US.

[u/ecooleye → u/Catherine_the_Okay]

But there are so many here in the US that do it for the money and do not carry that level of respect, integrity and compassion. Sadly, my own loss was very mishandled by the local funeral home. It made the process of grieving so much harder for my husband and me. I know it isn’t the same as OP as ours was a miscarriage at 20 weeks. We got our daughter’s remains in what seemed to be a large ice breakers gum container after paying ridiculous cremation fee. No walkthrough to discuss details or pick out an urn and not one person at that business seemed to acknowledge us both times we were there. I felt like I was invisible to them. Although, I can understand how awkward and difficult it could be for others to comfort someone in our position, it’s the fact they didn’t even try that gets me because I wonder how many others in our position get treated the same. It still stings 5 years later; I will NEVER recommend them to anyone.

[u/Lucky_Inevitable_293 → u/Funeralbarbie31]

Wow, that made me cry.

Thank you for taking care of them this way.

[u/Big_Exchange_2671 → u/Funeralbarbie31]

This provided a bit of healing I didn’t even know I needed. I pray and hope that all funeral homes care for our passed babies in this manner - with gentleness, tenderness, love and care. When my son passed I felt horrible and so deeply sad that he was in a funeral home alone and in the dark and I wished I could go sit there just to keep him company until it was time to burry him. I truly do hope that someone cared enough to greet him daily and stayed longer for him and that a light was left on for him too.

Thank you for doing that for our babies because we would do it ourselves if we could.

[u/Funeralbarbie31 → u/Big_Exchange_2671]

I’m so sorry for your loss, when my son passed this was also a huge thing for me, I couldn’t stand the thought of him alone in a dark fridge. All of the babies in my care rest in the large walk in, they’re in a Moses basket as they should be, and the light is left on for the entirety of their journey with us, whether that be days or weeks. It also means people are in and out frequently throughout the day and night and we all instinctively talk to them and check on them, whether it’s to fix their blanket or just place a hand on them so they know we’re there, they truly mean so much to us, thank you for trusting someone with your loved one.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Ewildcat → u/Funeralbarbie31]

❤️

[u/False-Buddy9209 → u/Funeralbarbie31]

My gosh I’m so sorry you have to see little lives lost. 

They talk about first responders suffering but the weight of seeing a baby that crossed over or a child must be immense. 

Thank you for the valuable work you do. And I’m sorry. 

[u/side_eye_ → u/dazzleunexpired]

What a beautiful baby. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I lost my 22-month-old baby boy 16 years ago, and at times, the pain still feels like yesterday. But I focus on our favorite memories together, like blowing bubbles, going to the park, and just exploring the world around him and seeing it through his eyes. I have other children, but they are adults now, and in some ways I feel closer to the baby that I lost (I speak to him often, almost every night).

[u/dazzleunexpired → u/side_eye_]

I'm so glad you got so many memories to cherish but I am so sorry you lost your baby

[u/side_eye_ → u/dazzleunexpired]

Thank you, OP - I am so sorry for your loss, and I sincerely feel your pain. As u/tiredgirl77 wisely said, I am holding space for your grief. It will always be a part of you, but I am holding you in my heart.

[u/megsiev → u/side_eye_]

Could I ask a question of you? My cousin lost her 22 month old son today. What can I do to support her? I know nothing will ever be enough, but is there anything I can do to ease the pain, if only for a second? I’m a crafter, and I think I’ll engrave a picture of him onto a piece of slate as a memorial for her. He had two siblings, older sisters. Should we do something special for them? Any advice would be appreciated.

OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. 🤍

[u/dazzleunexpired → u/megsiev]

Can you swipe some clothes? If you can sew, make a bear from some of the babies clothing. Something to hold. It helped so much.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/side_eye_ → u/megsiev]

What a beautiful question. Grief at this early stage is so different from one person to the next. I love the idea that u/dazzleunexpired shared - something that belonged to the baby that they can hold. I held on and smelled everything my baby touched for months until the scent wore off. Also, just sit with them. Sit in the shared grief. Follow their lead on how much they want to express what they are feeling right now. They are beginning a grief journey that will last their lifetime, unfortunately. So just listen very carefully, even to the things that they don't say, and show up when they signal that they need support. It may be unpredictable - that's how grief rolls.

The sibling question is so, so complicated for me. I tried very hard to show up and be present for them, but at the end of the day, I know that there was at least 30% of me that was missing at all times. They, and I, have forgiven me for that. But my suggestion would also be to talk with them, don't let them fade into the grief background. Ask them if they would like to honor their brother by making something with you (come with a list of ideas, they probably won't know where to start). They are even more at a loss right now, as they watch their mom grieving and don't know what to do to make her feel better. At the end of the day, my kids grieved the loss of the former, 100% me, more than they actually grieved their baby brother. 💔

[u/_Nilbog_Milk_ → u/dazzleunexpired]

Oh what a beautiful, beautiful little girl. All my love is with you. Thank you for sharing her life & memory with us.

[u/Whiticisms → u/dazzleunexpired]

She's so beautiful. Thoughts and prayers are with you. 🩷

My babies are 6 and 9. My 6 year old likes to play school with me sometimes. I almost failed on my drawing the other day because I forgot to write my name on the paper. That's my girl 😂

[u/hiddenbee47 → u/dazzleunexpired]

She’s beautiful, op! I miss her for you.

[u/_Pliny_ → u/dazzleunexpired]

Beautiful baby - seems like a lot of personality in this photo.

My kids have been away with their dad and come home today; when I hug them I’ll do so extra hard and a little too long, thinking of you and your baby. 🩵

[u/dazzleunexpired → u/_Pliny_]

She had so much personality.

We say that she is an incredibly old soul.... I think that's where the personality came from.

She was incredibly spoiled. On top of that. She was the first everything. First child first grandchild first great-grandchild for every single member in her family. She never got put down, but that's actually why she survived as long as she did. 💜💜💜 It ends up her hatred of being laid flat had to do with a medical problem that was terminal. We just thought she was a spoiled brat. She was that too, she just also couldn't breathe right. 🥹

Disclaimer: I am aware that no baby is ever spoiled and that cuddling babies doesn't spoil them. This is a coping thing. No one tell me she wasn't spoiled please lmao.

[u/_Pliny_ → u/dazzleunexpired]

You already said don’t tell you, but I still want to say you can’t spoil a baby and you all did everything right. Perfect for her.

May those memories be blessings forever.

[u/Silent-Ad9948 → u/dazzleunexpired]

She is a beautiful baby! I am so sorry for your loss.

[u/mrsckugs → u/dazzleunexpired]

So beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[u/happytreefrenemies → u/dazzleunexpired]

What an absolute cutie! I’ve never met her but I will miss her with you. Rest in peace sweet Cammi 🙏🏻

[u/Tunchee → u/dazzleunexpired]

What a darling little angel! She knew your laugh, your voice, and your love before she was earthside. I'm so sorry for your loss. I almost lost my son at birth and things were very scary for a while. I can't imagine if those fears had come true. Lots of hugs to you!

A friend recommended a book to me after I lost someone very important to me. It eased my heart more than anything else. 11 years later, the grief still shows up, I remember what I read, and I actually feel hopeful. Its called Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian Weiss. Its not a self help book, you don't need to be told how to grieve. But an interesting account of a psychiatrist with a patient who could recall past lives. Through the patient, he is given information on why we go through the loss of a child.

[u/nowfromhell → u/dazzleunexpired]

She is beautiful. 

[u/ExcellentTomatillo61 → u/dazzleunexpired]

My goodness. She is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I hope my boys are able to have fun playdates with her when they are in the dream realm and my Little Nanny (great grandmother, who was a caretaker for all) is in Heaven right along side, teaching her of delicacies like burnt popcorn and chocolate pie

[u/Whoevershewantstobe → u/dazzleunexpired]

I’m sorry for your loss. She was the cutest little baby ever.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/CinnamonTeals → u/dazzleunexpired]

What a stunningly beautiful baby. You did an amazing job bringing her into the world. I am so sorry you lost her. Thank you for keeping her memory alive by sharing. Sending you so much love.

[u/kwhitit → u/dazzleunexpired]

she is just precious.

[u/Relative_Basis_2175 → u/dazzleunexpired]

She's beautiful like her mommy ❤

[u/Tall-Marionberry6270 → u/dazzleunexpired]

Apologies for the late reply. I'm in the Southern Hemisphere.

There is the most wonderful community on here in r/PhotoshopRequests and r/FreePhotoshopRequests if you wanted a photo of just you and your beautiful baby, I'm 100% positive someone on there could do their magic on any photo at all for you. That is a wonderful picture of you holding your sweet little one. I'm so, so very sorry for you loss. Thinking of you both xx

[u/dazzleunexpired → u/Tall-Marionberry6270]

I have so many and it's not that I dislike him. It's that he has a somewhat public position and I don't want his face to show up on an image result bringing someone here that could potentially risk his job or whatever.

He's a good dude.

We broke up cuz our baby died which is pretty common. It happens to a lot of people whose children die.

[u/Tall-Marionberry6270 → u/dazzleunexpired]

Thank you for replying. So thoughtful of you. We have friends that lost their baby and they parted afterwards. It was only then that I realised how common this is after such tragedy and loss. I am so sorry that you've had to endure this. Our children are so precious. Sending you gentle hugs over the www.

[u/ElkNeat5810 → u/dazzleunexpired]

You and your baby girl are the cutest couple. ❤️

[u/HesperaloeParviflora → u/dazzleunexpired]

What a sweet, sweet baby. I am so sorry

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/indecisive-bisexual → u/dazzleunexpired]

Cammi is beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my son. He was my first, and he was stillborn 2 days before his due date. I just had a baby girl 2 months ago. She was born almost exactly 2 years after her big brother, and I miss him a little every time I look at her. They look so much alike. Every milestone I've had with my daughter has been happy and sad because as exciting as it is for my daughter, it also reminds me of what I've missed with my son. I'm sure that will continue. Every milestone, every birthday, every holiday. The grief never goes away.

So far I'm loving the smiles my little girl gives us. She smiles so much at me, her dad, and at her best friend the ceiling fan lol

[u/dazzleunexpired → u/indecisive-bisexual]

I am so sorry. People tell me they can't imagine but I can't imagine your situation. I'm so, so sorry.

The rainbow baby is always bittersweet. So many things you've never had the first time. For me, his first 36 days were also the most anxious anxiety ridden days of my life. I couldn't close my eyes, I couldn't think, all I can think about was that if I closed my eyes or slept that he would die like his sister. I was very unwell to tell you the truth. They are only 16 and 1/2 months apart. It took me a long time to find my mental health. I definitely wasn't ready for him but I wasn't ready to not have a baby either .... Been a long road.

B, if you ever find this some day, I love you so much, you are worth every single second, baby. I promise.

For the record, My rainbow baby also thought that ceiling fans were the best thing in the entire world 😆 (yes, b, you did.)

Occasionally I leave him messages.... I'm terminal. If I was him, I'd be looking for me. (: if he reads this some day when looking for me, he will learn of your child. 💜 Your son, that is.

Would you like to share a name if you had one? I'd like the honor of speaking his name for him, if you'd like to give it. It's the very least I can do for you. You know of my baby

[u/indecisive-bisexual → u/dazzleunexpired]

His name was Sage. He was perfect. I'll try to attach one of my favorite photos with him. The best explanation we got for why he died was that his placenta was small, but some babies have smaller placentas and they're fine. Unfortunately, he wasn't. There weren't any signs. He wasn't growth restricted or anything. He was perfect. Just here one day and gone the next.

I also wasn't ready to not have a baby. My pregnancy with my rainbow was so hard. I had so much anxiety the entire time. Anything that could possibly go wrong, I was sure would. I had the hardest time believing I would actually bring a living baby home. When she was born and cried, it was the most beautiful sound, and I felt like I finally could breathe a (small) sigh of relief. Now there are many other things to be anxious about, but at least she's here. I hope I get a whole lifetime of being anxious about her.

I think it's beautiful that you leave your son messages. He will appreciate finding these glimpses of you one day 🩷