Ghosted after three amazing dates and intimacy

[u/Rosekiwi14]

Meal is half of a sushi pizza and a zero-sugar Sprite.

TLDR: I fucking hate modern dating, and I wish people with avoidant attachment were legally required to wear bells around their necks like lepers. I hate being single, but I can never trust any guy who says he likes me and wants to keep dating me ever again 🫠

I started seeing this guy (26M) I met on Bumble, and we went on three amazing dates. We talked endlessly about everything, and the chemistry was like nothing I'd ever experienced. We went dancing, he took me out to dinner, and we spent hours at the beach. I'd finally gotten the courage to start dating again after being dumped with no explanation nine months ago. I thought, "He seems pretty emotionally stable. We really like each other. And he's a bit older, so he probably has more of his dating intentions figured out." Yeah, right.

He came over to my place last week, and we had a wonderful time. We were supposed to watch the first 'Lord of the Rings' movie together, and he even brought over this silly prop sword to show me. We ended up watching 'Arcane' instead because I'd never seen it, and he insisted it was really good. We slept together and then got takeout. He said he'd "miss me" when he went back to work and that we'd surely see each other again. I knew he'd be away for at least a week because he works long shifts on a boat.

I noticed a few days ago that he was taking a long time to respond, and his responses were getting shorter. He was still sending occasional pics of what he'd been up to. He apologized the first time he went "MIA," citing that the "air at work has been really weird." He said last Saturday that he meant to ask me out again, but his situation got complicated because his dad was in town. He'd already told me about this in person, so I said, "No worries at all. I know how important family and work are ❤️." I then asked him how dinner with his dad had been. He told me where they'd gone to eat and that he had a good time. He hearted a picture I sent of the sushi pizza I was eating (the one I'm currently drowning my sorrows in). I'd already gotten this awful pit in my stomach and pulled an all-nighter due to an anxiety attack. But of course, I figured it would be pathetic of me to bring this up at all, so I said, "I'm so glad you had a good time with him 🥰. I was starting to think that the boat had swallowed you again 😂." He read it and hasn't responded in over two days.

I've spent this time quietly crying in my room, with a pain in my chest, and trying to sleep the bad thoughts away. My worried parents keep coming in asking what happened, and I can't tell them anything. I kept the fact that I was seeing someone from them on purpose because it was too early and in case something exactly like this happened. And I had this guy over while they were away on a trip. I didn't want to get excited so quickly just for him to turn out awful. I'm devastated regardless, and my trust in men, which I spent so long trying to rebuild, is shattered once again.

Why can't people just be honest if something's changed? I know we haven't known each other long, and no one owes me a relationship, but it's so fucked up to suddenly pull away after so much was shared. This exact thing happened with my ex, and I thought the chances of it happening again were surely slim to none. Because like, what the hell did I ever do to deserve this kind of deception? All I want, all I've ever wanted, is to be in a loving, trusting relationship.

I want to send him a short, final message telling him how hurtful and confusing this lack of communication has been, but I know I might be shooting myself in the foot.

[u/RingingInTheRain]

Don't make excuses for him. He doesn't have any mental disorder. He just did what he does for every girl. I don't even believe he's local to you, might be a traveling job and he just lied out of his ass.

Don't waste time thinking about him. 

[u/Lumpy-Egg6968 → u/RingingInTheRain]

Yup, I had a guy  pretend  to be my friend for two whole years. He just wanted to fuck me, when I said no (I had a boyfriend and he knew it so I found it very disrespectful to even ask me) he dropped me like I never existed. At 24 I learned guys can be very good actors. He contacted me some time after and apologized for "disappearing" and I answered him to not worry and that  I didn't even notice 🤣. Never heard of him again. 

[u/PrettyRangoon → u/Lumpy-Egg6968]

Professional time wasters

[u/Mother-Pattern-2609 → u/RingingInTheRain]

I'm getting the vibe that he might be married/partnered.

[u/Doesitmatter98765 → u/Mother-Pattern-2609]

That’s what I thought too.

[u/highheelcyanide → u/Mother-Pattern-2609]

I was once recounting a very odd relationship I’d had when I was quite young, that I ended because his behavior was weird. No idea why, he just behaved stranger and stranger until I dipped out.

It finally occurred to me that he was married.

[u/InsatiableEndurance → u/Mother-Pattern-2609]

I was getting that vibe but I’m also getting the vibe that OP is a lot and has some emotional baggage that may be why we see him taking breaks. I’m wondering if something shifted after…the fact that her cadence is planned and that she had an anxiety attack makes me wonder if he can read her urgency.

[u/itsbeenestablished → u/InsatiableEndurance]

The anxiety attack over a guy she's had three dates with, has me wondering if he started feeling a bit too much pressure. Even if that's not the case and he really is married or whatever, OP could probably benefit from some inner work before she tries dating apps again. I'm thinking there's still some fresh wounds from previous heart breaks that overflowed into this situation. It would be a shame if she kept getting hurt.

I'm really hoping she has a good friend group she can go out with right now, to offer support and to get her mind off of this.

[u/Corot7bb → u/Mother-Pattern-2609]

Me too

[u/TheEsotericCarrot → u/Mother-Pattern-2609]

Came here looking for this comment. This guy doesn’t work on a boat; he has a whole ass family.

[u/Beesummer1 → u/Mother-Pattern-2609]

This is the comment I was looking for! It's very likely he is married. Three dates, he decided to watch an episode of a series instead of a long movie, and then short answers about "work" and then zero answers. He can't keep on answering without exposing himself to his partner/wife. Don't text him anymore OP. Even if he's available he is not mature enough to a healthy relationship.

[u/godihatepeople → u/RingingInTheRain]

Definition of hit it and quit it. He got his sex and dipped. Fucker. Probably on a business trip and has a wife or something.

I had this happen to me before. We would text nonstop and then he'd ghost me for days. I would feel so desperate and fucking PATHETIC for trying to initiate even the most basic conversation. He might grace me with a thumbs up or a "lol" but that was it. He had all the power. I felt like I was groveling for attention. But then the week would pass and like a light switch, back to the constant texting and hearts and setting up dates. I was on his schedule. 

Turns out, those periods of radio silence were when his long-distance girlfriend of 5 years was in town and he couldn't risk her seeing him text me. Oopsie daisy! I went from feeling sexy and wanted to feeling like a sex toy the instant I saw her Instagram (which he did a fantastic job of hiding his relationship on). I felt so used. Above all, I hated how it felt like a game of "Am I trying too hard?" Like in retrospect, I should've dipped the moment he first ghosted me.

I messaged the girlfriend about it and she never replied. The cheater never texted me back after that either. They're still together and have kids. I hope for the kids sake, the parents figured their shit out.

Ever since then, I promised myself I would never ever feel like a man has the upper hand over me. That's not what dating is about. It seems obvious reading, but it's so much harder after you've been showered with affection and you start falling for a guy, only for him to ghost you.

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