Ghosted after three amazing dates and intimacy

[u/Rosekiwi14]

Meal is half of a sushi pizza and a zero-sugar Sprite.

TLDR: I fucking hate modern dating, and I wish people with avoidant attachment were legally required to wear bells around their necks like lepers. I hate being single, but I can never trust any guy who says he likes me and wants to keep dating me ever again 🫠

I started seeing this guy (26M) I met on Bumble, and we went on three amazing dates. We talked endlessly about everything, and the chemistry was like nothing I'd ever experienced. We went dancing, he took me out to dinner, and we spent hours at the beach. I'd finally gotten the courage to start dating again after being dumped with no explanation nine months ago. I thought, "He seems pretty emotionally stable. We really like each other. And he's a bit older, so he probably has more of his dating intentions figured out." Yeah, right.

He came over to my place last week, and we had a wonderful time. We were supposed to watch the first 'Lord of the Rings' movie together, and he even brought over this silly prop sword to show me. We ended up watching 'Arcane' instead because I'd never seen it, and he insisted it was really good. We slept together and then got takeout. He said he'd "miss me" when he went back to work and that we'd surely see each other again. I knew he'd be away for at least a week because he works long shifts on a boat.

I noticed a few days ago that he was taking a long time to respond, and his responses were getting shorter. He was still sending occasional pics of what he'd been up to. He apologized the first time he went "MIA," citing that the "air at work has been really weird." He said last Saturday that he meant to ask me out again, but his situation got complicated because his dad was in town. He'd already told me about this in person, so I said, "No worries at all. I know how important family and work are ❤️." I then asked him how dinner with his dad had been. He told me where they'd gone to eat and that he had a good time. He hearted a picture I sent of the sushi pizza I was eating (the one I'm currently drowning my sorrows in). I'd already gotten this awful pit in my stomach and pulled an all-nighter due to an anxiety attack. But of course, I figured it would be pathetic of me to bring this up at all, so I said, "I'm so glad you had a good time with him 🥰. I was starting to think that the boat had swallowed you again 😂." He read it and hasn't responded in over two days.

I've spent this time quietly crying in my room, with a pain in my chest, and trying to sleep the bad thoughts away. My worried parents keep coming in asking what happened, and I can't tell them anything. I kept the fact that I was seeing someone from them on purpose because it was too early and in case something exactly like this happened. And I had this guy over while they were away on a trip. I didn't want to get excited so quickly just for him to turn out awful. I'm devastated regardless, and my trust in men, which I spent so long trying to rebuild, is shattered once again.

Why can't people just be honest if something's changed? I know we haven't known each other long, and no one owes me a relationship, but it's so fucked up to suddenly pull away after so much was shared. This exact thing happened with my ex, and I thought the chances of it happening again were surely slim to none. Because like, what the hell did I ever do to deserve this kind of deception? All I want, all I've ever wanted, is to be in a loving, trusting relationship.

I want to send him a short, final message telling him how hurtful and confusing this lack of communication has been, but I know I might be shooting myself in the foot.

[u/amynicole78]

If it makes you feel better to send him a message by all means do it. Even if he doesn’t respond you at least said your piece. There are decent people out there, they’re just getting fewer and harder to find. Hang in there, take things slow, and be gentle on yourself. None of this is because of you❤️

[u/turquoiseblues → u/amynicole78]

Blocking is better, IMO. He doesn't deserve any more of her energy.

[u/Dancing_sequin → u/turquoiseblues]

Yea if you really need to get it out, write it out in your notes app

[u/MuerteVerde6TU → u/Dancing_sequin]

[u/MuerteVerde6TU → u/MuerteVerde6TU]

Flair checks out. -- i know, I know, I know, I KNOW.

[u/turquoiseblues → u/Dancing_sequin]

💯

[u/Pookdalouk → u/turquoiseblues]

Yep. If he doesn’t respect her enough to give an explanation or closure, he won’t care about her text. He already knows what he did.

OP - Don’t provide him closure. Leave him hanging. Block. He doesn’t deserve to know. Plus, it’s a reverse psychology tactic, because no response makes him think “damn, maybe I didn’t hurt her and she didn’t actually like me.”

But I’m so sorry. Not knowing why things happen is one of the cruelest aspects of the human experience.

[u/duskrat → u/Pookdalouk]

Excellent reply from u/Pookdalouk. "He already knows what he did." And don't provide him closure---let him wonder. And I'm sorry this happened to you, girl.

[u/Pookdalouk → u/duskrat]

Thank you. Forever a girls girl ❤️‍🩹🫶

[u/phlegmdawg → u/turquoiseblues]

If it’s cathartic, I say send it and then block.

[u/tayrosemarie → u/phlegmdawg]

I did this and highly recommend. Therapist also recommended. That way his response can’t hurt you.

[u/phlegmdawg → u/tayrosemarie]

And proving that the response is irrelevant.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.

2 quick steps:

1. If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
2. Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.

That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕

[u/generalemory → u/madame-maitre-d]

Girls rule!

[u/arlaanne → u/amynicole78]

I did (I actually called) and it turns out my phone was not receiving his messages (I verified when I saw him in person and looked at our thread on his phone). He thought I was blowing him off. We’ve been married 10 years.

[u/ohaitharr → u/arlaanne]

I mean, glad it worked for you but he's clearly been getting her messages and is just bread crumbing her with the intent to ghost. 🫤

[u/Longjumping-Owl-7584 → u/amynicole78]

Agreed. As someone in my 30s, I say send the message for your own closure if you need to. He knows what he did regardless. Sending him a message doesn't give him any more or less power than it does for you to accept the ghosting.

I wouldn't say "you hurt me" or use a ton of emotion. I wouldn't write anything long or poetic, either. I'd simply write that I expected better (in some form or another), say goodbye, and then block him.

[u/ArtSupplyHoarder → u/Longjumping-Owl-7584]

Yeah, don't tell him he (had the power to) hurt you, but feel free to let him know what a piece of shit he is for pulling something like that. Be angry, not sad. Imagine what you would say to him if it was your best friend bawling her eyes out over him instead, or your little sister.

[u/Longjumping-Owl-7584 → u/ArtSupplyHoarder]

Angry and sad are two sides of the same coin. Both show that he hurt you. And there's nothing wrong with that, if that's your angle. But if you go for the angry best friend response, he'll likely think "wow I dodged a crazy bullet".

Go for a cool, calm, and collected "I expected better. Goodbye". It subtly calls him out and shows you think he's a worm without saying it. You are above him and whatever ghosting bullshit he was hoping you'd meekly accept. But don't give him emotion.

[u/ArtSupplyHoarder → u/Longjumping-Owl-7584]

I guess you're right, better to not waste any emotions at all.

[u/adsurgere → u/amynicole78]

Some guys respond make it worse tho. Coming back with invalidating stuff like “I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t really see the need to discuss this more so take care.” … Before texting she would need to be okay with accepting that risk, because anyone who ghosts after intimacy like this is an emotional ass.