Ghosted after three amazing dates and intimacy

[u/Rosekiwi14]

Meal is half of a sushi pizza and a zero-sugar Sprite.

TLDR: I fucking hate modern dating, and I wish people with avoidant attachment were legally required to wear bells around their necks like lepers. I hate being single, but I can never trust any guy who says he likes me and wants to keep dating me ever again 🫠

I started seeing this guy (26M) I met on Bumble, and we went on three amazing dates. We talked endlessly about everything, and the chemistry was like nothing I'd ever experienced. We went dancing, he took me out to dinner, and we spent hours at the beach. I'd finally gotten the courage to start dating again after being dumped with no explanation nine months ago. I thought, "He seems pretty emotionally stable. We really like each other. And he's a bit older, so he probably has more of his dating intentions figured out." Yeah, right.

He came over to my place last week, and we had a wonderful time. We were supposed to watch the first 'Lord of the Rings' movie together, and he even brought over this silly prop sword to show me. We ended up watching 'Arcane' instead because I'd never seen it, and he insisted it was really good. We slept together and then got takeout. He said he'd "miss me" when he went back to work and that we'd surely see each other again. I knew he'd be away for at least a week because he works long shifts on a boat.

I noticed a few days ago that he was taking a long time to respond, and his responses were getting shorter. He was still sending occasional pics of what he'd been up to. He apologized the first time he went "MIA," citing that the "air at work has been really weird." He said last Saturday that he meant to ask me out again, but his situation got complicated because his dad was in town. He'd already told me about this in person, so I said, "No worries at all. I know how important family and work are ❤️." I then asked him how dinner with his dad had been. He told me where they'd gone to eat and that he had a good time. He hearted a picture I sent of the sushi pizza I was eating (the one I'm currently drowning my sorrows in). I'd already gotten this awful pit in my stomach and pulled an all-nighter due to an anxiety attack. But of course, I figured it would be pathetic of me to bring this up at all, so I said, "I'm so glad you had a good time with him 🥰. I was starting to think that the boat had swallowed you again 😂." He read it and hasn't responded in over two days.

I've spent this time quietly crying in my room, with a pain in my chest, and trying to sleep the bad thoughts away. My worried parents keep coming in asking what happened, and I can't tell them anything. I kept the fact that I was seeing someone from them on purpose because it was too early and in case something exactly like this happened. And I had this guy over while they were away on a trip. I didn't want to get excited so quickly just for him to turn out awful. I'm devastated regardless, and my trust in men, which I spent so long trying to rebuild, is shattered once again.

Why can't people just be honest if something's changed? I know we haven't known each other long, and no one owes me a relationship, but it's so fucked up to suddenly pull away after so much was shared. This exact thing happened with my ex, and I thought the chances of it happening again were surely slim to none. Because like, what the hell did I ever do to deserve this kind of deception? All I want, all I've ever wanted, is to be in a loving, trusting relationship.

I want to send him a short, final message telling him how hurtful and confusing this lack of communication has been, but I know I might be shooting myself in the foot.

[u/CraftyMagicDollz]

I had a guy once that I met his dad about three weeks in. We spent three days hanging out with his dad, going boating, out to dinner, showed him around our town... And then he promptly ghosted me like 4 days after his dad left.

I'm still so grossed out by the fact that I put up with that fucking behavior from someone who was a good 16 years older than me and had already been married and divorced, had three daughters, and swore up down left and right that family was everything to him and that he wasn't looking for a hookup...

I was at my friend's bar a couple weeks later for a birthday party and I see slimeball walk-in with the very same girl that he had CLAIMED that he had broken up with 6 months earlier because she was "crazy" and that she had stalked him and threatened him and cause all kinds of problems for him at his job.... Yeah. And I even fell for the shit when weeks later we ran into each other again, he repeatedly and thoroughly apologized - insisting she had shown back up, was acting threatening and insane and had found out about me (that much was true- she did actually call my job and tried to report that I was "sleeping with her husband" to my supervisor)- but he insisted he had gotten her BACK on a plane to California and had gotten her back with her family who was getting her "real help".

He swore that he'd only ghosted me while he was trying to get her "under control" and "for my own protection" because she had waited until I left and then suddenly showed up at his door with photos and my plate #, threatening to kill me, and threatening me and him.... For SOME insane reason, and because he "showed me" a bunch of "proof" on his phone (videos of her screaming and threatening him, the cops being called, emails and photos she sent him of my car at his apartment.... I believed him and all those red flags, I gave him one more chance ..

He ghosted me again and CALLED ME on the phone with her days later - telling me to never bother him again because he's with her and he never wanted to see me again and I meant nothing to him and he needed me to know what.

What kind of 40+ year old FATHER OF DAUGHTERS - not to mention a COP - behaves like that.... (Well I can tell you one Hillsboro County Deputy who did....) I sincerely hope you've gotten your shit together Dep Davidson. Because you were the biggest pile of red flags and I young and WAY too trusting.

The dating world is absolute hell ladies. I wish all of the single chicas out there all the luck in the world because man if they're is a shitty man out there- there's tens of thousands more just like him. No matter how crappy the situation is that you come across it feels like there's millions of women who can commiserate.

[u/Sensitive-Salary7388 → u/CraftyMagicDollz]

That really sucks, I'm sorry you went through that. Certainly my method is not fool proof but at the very least, even if I were to have been screwed over or lied to, I would at least walk away knowing that I didn't give him my life force which at least for me is the main driver that gets me attached and invested. Not that there's anything wrong with sleeping with a man that you're not committed to, but that was hurting me personally so I know that at the very least if I hold to my boundaries I might be lied to and hurt, but I will never give them what they want until I receive what I want

[u/CraftyMagicDollz → u/Sensitive-Salary7388]

Yeah, I completely agree with you. And it's unfair, because many of us HAVE and COULD consent and may have been FINE with hooking up in situations - hell I had two different friends with benefits for a while both of whom I completely trusted... we were NEVER in a relationship outside of friendship, we were NEVER serious or committed, and at the time- it was absolutely all that I was looking for in that time. I was happy to have the companionship and didn't have any problem with it not being more serious.... And they were both VERY respectable guys who were my good friends that i knew for years and KNEW I was safe with. I always knew I could trust them. I always knew EXACTLY where we stood, that they would protect me under ANY circumstances (hell the first night I met the one guy, a nurse, I was on crutches and a guy was badgering me at our local bar and the nurse invited me to hang out with the bar's flag football team to get me away from the guy - even though I later found out that football nights were STRICTLY "GUYS NIGHT- NO WOMEN ALLOWED" and that they had ALWAYS stuck to that rule - no wives, no girlfriends- flag football night was GUYS NIGHT, yet they protected me, drank with me, welcomed me in to be safe with them, and then not only paid my tab, but paid for (and one rode with me, and walked me to my door to make sure I safely got home after that guy kept skulking around). I became a regular with the group, invited to both the games and the bar after - and the first and only female honoree of the bar's football jersey (and given the official position of "Team Mascot").

It was some of the best years of my life being friends with that group and getting to be close with that nurse. And it was so powerful to be ABLE to have an unserious hookup without it HAVING to be more or me HAVING to worry. Knowing if I was drunk, I could always go home with my friend because he would have me crash in his guest room - it wasn't even a QUESTION if we'd been drinking a bunch - hooking up wasn't even an option.

But it does absolutely suck when you're looking for someone who's going to treat you well and wants what you want- and they are willing to play games and lie to your face just to tell you what you want to hear to get it. The guy who introduced me to his dad spent those days going on and on to his dad with his dad saying how glad he was that he'd moved on from this "crazy woman" who had made his life hell for months - his dad really seemed to like me, and we got along well, and of course I took it as a great sign that he was serious that he wanted me to meet his family.

He was talking to me about his daughters and how he hadn't introduced anyone to them yet despite it being almost 5 years since the divorce- and I really started to believe that he was serious. Id even taken two sick days to stay home and take care of him when he got really sick (that I later got in trouble for at MY job because my Sergeant said that "during sick leave, employees are required to be at home, at their own residence - not 20 miles away at their boyfriend's house" (that's a whole different story, that douche canoe tried to write me up to IA, claiming he'd even called the local beach bar and could PROVE that I'd been there on one of the two days I was "out sick" (mind you, I never said I was sick. I called out "due to illness" and used my own sick leave- and I FINALLY got out of the IA complaint as unfounded when I proved that yes - I had gone to the beach bar back in my home town.... Where I bought TWO large containers of chicken soup, and two cups of hot tea!

My douchebag Sargeant "had driven by and saw that my car wasn't at my house" one of the two days, so he called the beach bar he knew my friend owned and I frequented back home in Gulfport - and simply called and asked one of the bartenders if id been there either day. The bartender said that I had been there for food - but that receipt (and my offering up the bar's surveillance footage to prove that id walked in, paid for the soup and hot tea and that I'd left on foot because the guy I THOUGHT was my boyfriend at the time - only lived half a block from the bar - and it was the only take-out for soup that was easy and nearly instant to get being so close by).

Still not sure who sucked more - the guy pretending to want a girlfriend, or the chauvinist pig I worked under at the sheriff's office for 3 years. I could write a BOOK on all of the absolutely bullshit things that man did to try to fuck over my career after I started turning him down when he invited me out to ride our motorcycles because ALL the guys that were always "planning on coming" to our "group rides" kept cancelling and it was awkward as fuck to be a 26 year old woman riding with my nearly 60 year old supervisor ALONE on my days off - and people were starting to gossip about me and him, and to cut it off, I ended those rides and ANY kind of social chatter with him-and he retaliated by attempting to make my career hell for nearly 3 years.

Fuck, I can't believe id literally almost forgotten entirely about all the things that massive fuck head did. If you ever see this Karl Steele -just know how deeply disgusting and atrocious you are. I'm pretty sure he's a fucking Lieutenant or Captain or some shit now. That was the single most woman hating dick -face I've ever dealt with in my 44 years on this planet.

[u/CraftyMagicDollz → u/Sensitive-Salary7388]

It's very sweet of you to say that, thank you. It's been a long time, but I spent a long time kicking myself because I put up with several things- (sexually specifically) with that man whom at the time - I trusted, and I even went back once after being ghosted, running into him completely by chance, and having him DEEPLY apologize - insisting it was completely a set of insane circumstances, he claimed HE was protecting ME from being the target of his insane ex (you know, without communicating with me- and by ghosting me, and even "letting me believe" that he'd gotten back with her)- all so she "wouldnt target me".

He fed me so many lines about how she was threatening to fuck with my work, to make accusations against me, etc etc - and that he had stopped responding and stopped all communication "to protect me" "while he was dealing with her, talking her down" and that he had handled it wrong.

We hooked up one more time- and two days later I get a phone call from HIM AND HER where he told me that I was nothing to him, that I was to stay away from his place and the beach bar by his place (mind you, that I was friends with the owner and had been going there for YEARS and knew EVERYONE). It was clear within seconds that she was "silently" on the line and he was reciting some script he'd agreed to.

My guess is that he was lying to her, telling her that I was equally a crazy stalker or some shit. It was NUTS. After that second time- lesson absolutely learned. Any man in his 40's (and this guy was both a Sheriff's Deputy for Hillsboro County but also owned his own business)- that is going to play those mind games and do shit like making phone calls to "prove his love" to someone he'd been calling a "total psycho woman" and "stalker" to me just days prior.

Yikes. Absolute regret that I put up with him the first time - but he was fit and good looking and I'm guessing that is what gave him the fucking guts to be such an absolute tool!

[u/AdInside8051 → u/Sensitive-Salary7388]

wdym by life force

[u/Sensitive-Salary7388 → u/AdInside8051]

Sex, to me, is a strong and powerful energetic exchange. And especially as women with the power (and responsibility) to bear life, I feel that sex is an exchange of my life force and energy. Not saying this applies to all women but this is how I view it, and when I realized that and stopped giving it away to men who were giving me the bare minimum, my relationships with other men and myself got a lot better. To be clear there is no judgment on my end for those that choose to have casual sex or don't see it that way. But as I've grown and evolved I've learned that that is how my body and mind work with it.

[u/Suspicious-Visual-57 → u/CraftyMagicDollz]

Thank you for sharing your story. The truth of the matter is it does not matter if you fuck the guy on the first date (did this with my ex hubs and he was in love/married me, continue to peacefully coparent our son...we split after 15 years due to incompatible differences that came with growing up but never because the love/respect was not there) or the 1000th date and met his entire family, if a man wants to be with you, none of these bs dating rules will stop him. Sure, delaying sex might reduce the risk with some but there are literal psychopaths that would play the long game.

The move is to develop your own self respect/worth as a woman and on your own terms have sex when you know you would not be crushed if he ghosts you the next day. That is it. All of these imposed rules at the end of the day means little to real world application. In my current relationship, we have delayed sex but that is just because we are trying to break our pattern of fucking our partners quickly and boycotting emotional intimacy with sex. Healthiest relationship i have been in and even though some days are downright torture and there is nothing more I would love for this man to fuck me all the way sideways, i am happy I am actually taking my time to bond emotionally because fucking.

Tl:dr - does not matter how soon or how late you sleep with a guy. If he does not respect or want you, delaying sex will simply delay the inevitable.

[u/CraftyMagicDollz → u/Suspicious-Visual-57]

I don't even think it's necessary to say "and only if you won't be DEVISTATED if you get ghosted the next day"- because I do think it's okay to THINK you're getting intimate with someone in the confines of a relationship and with whom you've developed a level of trust .... I would argue it IS okay to be hurt if he suddenly ghosts you / you find out he lied just to get you in bed.

I would hope for ANY woman that it never happens - because we DESERVE to be able to safely develop feelings and it just really sucks that even when we're realistic and grounded and give things time, and we're careful and follow our own imposed rules... We still might get duped and dumped.

OP is young and hopefully will better develop her instincts and will learn and get stronger - but I don't think we should encourage or suggest that woman need to be just as cold if we're duped and dumped.... While it would be good for most women to protect their hearts a little more - unfortunately people of both genders are sometimes dishonest and sometimes cowardly and sometimes lying from the outset and only want "that one thing" and OKAY with being ghosted.

We don't necessarily have to be okay with it- but we do all need to find the strength to forgive OURSELVES and to move on and to still trust that there ARE good and honest people who WONT do that same thing. That's the crucial thing. Trusting in yourself and your instincts - and forgiving YOURSELF if you get played.

[u/Emilie0711 → u/CraftyMagicDollz]

I went out on one date with a guy I met on Hinge. We grabbed a drink on a Saturday afternoon before I met my best friend for a movie. As I was leaving to meet my friend, we hugged goodbye, and later he texted me later that night to let me know I left my hat at the bar, he grabbed it for me, and that he told his stepdad about our date and how much he liked me. He then suggested getting together again soon, and I replied with something short and flirty letting him know I’d love to hang out again and then went to bed. The next morning I woke up expecting to at least see that he’d read my text (we were both texting on iPhones, and he had his read receipts on), and my text hadn’t ever been delivered. Out of curiosity I checked my Hinge, and he’d blocked me. It’s like JFC fine if you don’t want to go out again, but to take my hat and lay it on thick knowing you didn’t want to see me again was a shitty move.

[u/CraftyMagicDollz → u/Emilie0711]

Wow, Jesus. That's fucked.

I prefer to tell myself that he had a girlfriend or at least was seeing some other girl and SHE got her hands on his phone and pulled that nonsense. I do know there's a non-zero chance that that's what happened.

I've had some guys do some absolutely fucked up stuff because some VERY insecure (or equally lied to) woman- usually in her late teens or young 20's is EXTREMELY jealous/controlling or playing with keeping a guy on a short leash and doing that nonsense where they only want them when they think they're moving on to someone else ... I've dealt with a number of shitty guys, but I've also first hand dealt with some pretty crazy ex's or what turned out to be CURRENT women associated with the guys (the woman I generally forgive because I'm sure they were being lied to as well, unfortunately - but that wisdom has come along as I've gotten much older and wiser).