Ghosted after three amazing dates and intimacy

[u/Rosekiwi14]

Meal is half of a sushi pizza and a zero-sugar Sprite.

TLDR: I fucking hate modern dating, and I wish people with avoidant attachment were legally required to wear bells around their necks like lepers. I hate being single, but I can never trust any guy who says he likes me and wants to keep dating me ever again 🫠

I started seeing this guy (26M) I met on Bumble, and we went on three amazing dates. We talked endlessly about everything, and the chemistry was like nothing I'd ever experienced. We went dancing, he took me out to dinner, and we spent hours at the beach. I'd finally gotten the courage to start dating again after being dumped with no explanation nine months ago. I thought, "He seems pretty emotionally stable. We really like each other. And he's a bit older, so he probably has more of his dating intentions figured out." Yeah, right.

He came over to my place last week, and we had a wonderful time. We were supposed to watch the first 'Lord of the Rings' movie together, and he even brought over this silly prop sword to show me. We ended up watching 'Arcane' instead because I'd never seen it, and he insisted it was really good. We slept together and then got takeout. He said he'd "miss me" when he went back to work and that we'd surely see each other again. I knew he'd be away for at least a week because he works long shifts on a boat.

I noticed a few days ago that he was taking a long time to respond, and his responses were getting shorter. He was still sending occasional pics of what he'd been up to. He apologized the first time he went "MIA," citing that the "air at work has been really weird." He said last Saturday that he meant to ask me out again, but his situation got complicated because his dad was in town. He'd already told me about this in person, so I said, "No worries at all. I know how important family and work are ❤️." I then asked him how dinner with his dad had been. He told me where they'd gone to eat and that he had a good time. He hearted a picture I sent of the sushi pizza I was eating (the one I'm currently drowning my sorrows in). I'd already gotten this awful pit in my stomach and pulled an all-nighter due to an anxiety attack. But of course, I figured it would be pathetic of me to bring this up at all, so I said, "I'm so glad you had a good time with him 🥰. I was starting to think that the boat had swallowed you again 😂." He read it and hasn't responded in over two days.

I've spent this time quietly crying in my room, with a pain in my chest, and trying to sleep the bad thoughts away. My worried parents keep coming in asking what happened, and I can't tell them anything. I kept the fact that I was seeing someone from them on purpose because it was too early and in case something exactly like this happened. And I had this guy over while they were away on a trip. I didn't want to get excited so quickly just for him to turn out awful. I'm devastated regardless, and my trust in men, which I spent so long trying to rebuild, is shattered once again.

Why can't people just be honest if something's changed? I know we haven't known each other long, and no one owes me a relationship, but it's so fucked up to suddenly pull away after so much was shared. This exact thing happened with my ex, and I thought the chances of it happening again were surely slim to none. Because like, what the hell did I ever do to deserve this kind of deception? All I want, all I've ever wanted, is to be in a loving, trusting relationship.

I want to send him a short, final message telling him how hurtful and confusing this lack of communication has been, but I know I might be shooting myself in the foot.

[u/samiam2367]

I had a really nice sleepover with a guy last year. He was surprised that I seemed to like him even though he was balding and shorter than me and then just never opened whatever last random message I sent 6 months ago. Doesn't make sense. He was self conscious about meeting women because is his hair and height but then ghosts the woman who very openly says she likes him and his self-perceived flaws

[u/Cat-lover0106 → u/samiam2367]

I used to think insecure or men who were less conventionally attractive were considered safer. This is rarely the case it’s usually the opposite. Insecure men have no issue using women for an ego boost. Their feelings and crisis trump yours. Even if you sleep with them and everything they will consider it a fluke and then seek out other women to make sure it wasn’t. Their insecurity is a bottomless pit and they will drag you down into it until you are as insecure as them, constantly questioning yourself.

[u/Milyaism → u/Cat-lover0106]

One of my exes is like this. He could work on himself to get through his insecurities, but he refuses to go to therapy and uses women as an ego boost.

The exception is that he'll stick around for longer time, but has the same "no way this woman can like me for who I am, this must be a fluke" thing going on. Which in his case means that he monkeybranches from one relationship into another once his partner doesn't give enough of an ego boost to him.

[u/SteeveyPete → u/Milyaism]

Plus, if they're deeply insecure and struggle with self worth, they often don't believe that they deserve what they want, and are far more likely to "settle" for someone who gives them positive attention. The safest person to date is someone who feels like they deserve to date someone they like, and chooses you

[u/wanderlusting___ → u/Cat-lover0106]

This so much.

[u/samiam2367 → u/Cat-lover0106]

Definitely one of the big takeaways from my twenties. Uggo on the outside can just as nasty inside.

[u/too_much_mascara → u/Cat-lover0106]

THIS. They’ll never find security and if they score out of their league it exacerbates the insecurity. That frog is still bugging me yearssssss later.

[u/samiam2367 → u/too_much_mascara]

I am genuinely laughing out loud at you calling him a frog

[u/too_much_mascara → u/samiam2367]

If I showed you a photo, you’d piss your pants. I was being nice when I said frog. 🐸 I call him Toad in polite convo.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Mysterious-Cost-2292 → u/samiam2367]

So when you have chronic self-esteem issues it doesn't matter if someone you like tells you they don't mind. It's so internalized that you are suspicious of even those you care about, that those people are often just assuaging your fears.

[u/samiam2367 → u/Mysterious-Cost-2292]

Sucks that the things I recognized and dealt with as a teenager after my first/second relationships are things men in the 30s and 40s and beyond are still stuck on

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/dollainmypocket → u/samiam2367]

This exact scenario happened to me too 😂

[u/gustavessidehoe → u/samiam2367]

There's a TikTok joke that hot women dating mid guys only legitimizes them, and I think there's some truth to it. I don't "take a chance" on a guy for this reason anymore. I don't say this in real life for fear of being seen as vain, but I'm conventionally attractive. That makes guys who aren't as good looking as me get a complex. They cheat just as much, if not MORE than really good looking guys (I've dated both). I don't know if it's because they think they need to prove something, or what, but I've learned to only date guys I think are really hot on top of being interesting.