hi guys, this is honestly so unrelated to school but i just wanted to get this off my chest and maybe get some outside opinions because i genuinely don’t know how to feel.
i recently lost a really good friend of over 3 years. she was literally my bff. we did everything together, told each other everything and i genuinely thought we’d be friends for a really long time.
for context, i’m a gay guy and she’s a girl. we met through a mutual friend and eventually became super close.
things started getting weird when she’d get “fake mad” whenever i hung out with our mutual friend without her. for context, me and this mutual friend live really close to each other, whereas my bff lives over 30 minutes away. so naturally, we’d sometimes have spontaneous little hangouts, literally just 30 minutes or even less. it wasn’t like we were organizing these huge outings and purposely excluding her. sometimes we’d just see each other because we were nearby.
but she’d make comments about how we were always hanging out without her, and although she’d play it off as a joke, it happened enough times that it started feeling like she was genuinely bothered.
now here’s where i found things a little hypocritical.
another girl, who was also a mutual friend of ours, moved to montreal from another province. this girl happens to live really close to my bff, so naturally they started hanging out more often. and honestly, i had absolutely no issue with that. i understood that they lived close to each other, just like me and our other mutual friend did.
but that’s exactly what confused me. she’d get upset when i had quick little hangouts with our mutual friend because we lived nearby, yet she was doing the exact same thing with this other girl. and suddenly, proximity was a perfectly reasonable explanation when it was her doing it.
then came my birthday, which honestly changed how i saw our friendship.
my birthday was coming up and she was the one who insisted on hosting a birthday party for me at her apartment. i was genuinely grateful because obviously letting someone use your place is a nice gesture, and i appreciated that she wanted to do something for me.
but the more we started planning, the more uncomfortable the whole thing felt.
at one point, she basically told me that letting me use her apartment was her birthday gift to me. and look, i understand that hosting people at your place is a contribution, but something about the way she said it made the whole thing feel transactional. especially because she was the one who insisted on throwing the party in the first place.
it wasn’t like i had begged her to host something for me. she offered and pushed for it.
then there was the cake situation. her sister had apparently suggested baking me a birthday cake, which i thought was really sweet. but then it turned out that i was expected to pay for it myself.
and before anyone says anything, i have absolutely no problem paying for my own birthday expenses. i wasn’t expecting anyone to spend hundreds of dollars on me or throw me some extravagant party. it was more the fact that someone had suggested making me a cake for my birthday, only for me to end up paying for it.
it just felt a little strange, especially because the party had originally been presented as something she really wanted to do for me.
as the planning continued, i started realizing that although she was the one who insisted on hosting, i was the one paying for things and organizing the details. it didn’t really feel like she was putting much into it financially beyond providing the space.
again, i’m not saying she owed me money or that a friendship should be measured by how much someone spends. but when someone insists on organizing something for you, you kind of expect it to feel like they’re doing something for you, rather than making you feel like you’re asking for a favour.
there was also a situation where she told me she was inviting another friend of hers to my birthday party without even asking me first.
i found that really weird because although it was her apartment, it was still supposed to be my birthday celebration. i didn’t make a huge deal out of it because i didn’t want to seem ungrateful, but it was another little thing that bothered me.
the whole situation honestly left me with mixed feelings. on one hand, i appreciated having a place to celebrate. on the other, i didn’t really feel celebrated by someone who was supposed to be my best friend.
and then, on my actual birthday, something else happened.
i had a birthday dinner and was free afterwards. she was hanging out with the girl who had recently moved to montreal after I went the next day to help clean up the mess. her and the girl ended up going clubbing together that night without even inviting me, they BOTH texted me happy bday the next day on my actual bday like in the evening even though they were both awake and shes supposed to be my closest friend.
i honestly found that so strange because if it were her birthday, i would’ve made an effort to include her. it wasn’t even about going clubbing. it was the principle of knowing it was my birthday and not thinking to invite me.
i know nobody is obligated to spend every second of their friend’s birthday with them, but considering how close we were, it genuinely hurt.
she’d also say things like she prefers going clubbing with girls because when she goes with a man she’d have to pay for things, or she’d remind me that “you’re still a man.”
like okay? i’m literally your best friend. why does my gender suddenly matter when we’re talking about going out together?
it sometimes felt like she was using the fact that i’m a guy to justify treating me differently, which made me uncomfortable. I understand i’m a guy, i’m not saying im one of the girls or sumn its more the principle, it feels just like a excuse.
we also had a pretty big incident when we went clubbing together before the whole girl from other province moving into mtl.
she ended up leaving me to go make out with someone. eventually, i wandered off too and was doing my own thing.
afterwards, she got really upset with me and accused me of leaving her alone. she was crying, called me selfish and said she felt unsafe being left alone around men, mind u this was unity a gay club ik women still get hit on i was getting hit on left n right too .
i understood why she was upset about feeling unsafe, but i was confused because she had initially left me to make out with someone.
we ended up arguing, and at one point i even said our friendship was over. eventually, we talked things through, and i apologized the next day because i genuinely cared about her and didn’t want to lose our friendship.
what bothered me was that she only apologized after i did.
after all these situations, i started realizing that i wasn’t really happy in the friendship anymore. it felt like there were constantly these little situations where i’d leave feeling uncomfortable, confused or like i had done something wrong.
and the thing is, none of these incidents individually would’ve been enough for me to end a friendship of over three years. it was more the accumulation of everything.
so instead of confronting her or starting drama, i just started distancing myself.
i wasn’t rude to her. i didn’t insult her, block her or tell our mutual friends to stop talking to her. i just stopped putting in as much effort because i genuinely felt exhausted by the friendship.
recently, she messaged me and i genuinely forgot to respond because i was busy.
she ended up sending me another message saying something shady and rude telling me I should just tell her to fuck off
i was honestly so confused because it was literally one unanswered message. it wasn’t intentional, and i didn’t understand why she reacted so strongly.
and now today, i noticed she unfollowed me on instagram and removed me as a follower too.
i guess that officially confirms the friendship is over.
the thing is, i’m not even necessarily angry. i’m more disappointed because this was someone i considered one of my closest friends for years. we have so many memories together, and it’s weird thinking we might never speak again.
what makes it harder is that we still have mutual friends, and i genuinely don’t want things to become awkward or turn into some situation where people feel like they have to choose sides.
part of me feels like the mature thing to do would be to reach out and have a conversation, but another part of me feels like i’ve already put enough effort into this friendship and should just leave things alone.
i also wonder if distancing myself without explaining why was unfair on my part. maybe from her perspective, i randomly became distant and stopped caring, whereas from mine, i’d been feeling uncomfortable for a while.
i know i’m not perfect and i’m sure there’s probably things i could’ve handled differently. i’m also aware that this is only my perspective and she might see some situations differently.
but at the same time, i genuinely don’t think a friendship should feel this exhausting. im so drained.
so i guess my question is, would the mature thing be to reach out and try to clear the air, or is it perfectly reasonable to just walk away without saying anything?
i don’t necessarily want the friendship back. i just don’t know whether staying silent is me protecting my peace or letting my pride get in the way.
