"It's just not how things are done," said the rich man as they began measuring him for the noose.

The rich man squirmed a bit. His tailors tended to be a little more conscientious, as evidence by his once opulent finery that hung, though now frayed and poorly kept, well on his emaciated body.

"The evidence of your eyes might say otherwise," said the Pope, his accent European, but his sneer universal.

"When did you religious types become so enamoured with the evidence of the eyes?" Protested the rich man. "I'm talking cold blooded convention man. We don't just hang and arrest people for no good reason."

"The crimes of which you have been convicted I believe," said the Pope, "might be a clue as to the reason."

"Oh rats to that," said the rich man as the hangman's apprentices finally cleared off and went to the next inmate. "These are laws of man, not of God. As such they should be subject to the foibles of our societal norms."

"You mean," said the Pope, his throat suddenly tight. "If you have money, you should be exempt from such laws."

"Exactly," said the rich man. "You get what I'm saying. Why are all these poor people talking about rich privilege all the time? Where is my rich privilege when I'm about to be hanged?"

"Well maybe that is why you get to have the Pope hear your final confession," replied the Pope. "What a privilege."

The rich man laughed at that, a cold heavy laugh. "I swear things have not been right since all those poors decided to revolt, over what, a few loaves of bread?"

"The revolutions started in China, I think they eat rice there," said the Pope.

"It's an expression," said the rich man, "And it's not like I forced those people to work you know? It was just...well it was just an option. I provided them the means with which to house and cloth themselves. I didn't ask them to work until their hearts gave out."

"How saintly of you," said the Pope. "When I arrive in heaven I shall make sure to recommend you to be canonized."

"I don't think they shoot us out of cannons anymore your Grace I think hanging is more the style."

"Beatified then?"

"My God that sounds even worse," said the rich man. "Err, sorry to use his name in vain and all that."

"Not at all," said the Pope, "Since you are about to become acquainted with him in a closer capacity in the next few minutes."

"What a dreadful thought," said the rich man. "Well still, I can't say I regret too much. I did make a lot of shareholders quite happy for a period of time. Say, I just realised, I never asked. What are they hanging you for?"

The Pope bid the hangman's apprentices farewell as they went off to measure his noose.

"I tried to start a crusade," said the Pope. "These awful imbeciles, defilers before the Almighty. Little do they know that their actions have doomed this world to Hell. I shall be glad to be rid of it soon. Although it might have been nicer to go a different way, hanging seems mildly barbaric."

"Well," said the rich man. "At least we agree on something."

It felt like I was watching a funny slice- of-life anime

I had a silly idea at work for this so I made the prompt for when I got home.

I admittedly kinda forgot a bit of it but here we are.

Intro was taken from SCP-6820 since I liked the idea of the treaty backfiring a bit.

Notice From The Records and Information Security Administration

The following documents were received from an alternate timeline 'YJ-10001' per statement 3.1 of the 1981 Multi-Foundation Coalition Agreement, which stipulates that, in the case of an irreparable XK-CLASS Event or similar, relevant files should be autonomously disseminated to all other Signees for Cautionary Purposes

Containment Class: Pending

Disruption Class: Ekhi

Risk Class: Danger

Special Containment Procedures: All information pertaining to SCP-10001 is considered an infohazard and should not be viewed under any circumstances by personnel not trained for such data. As such, only Level 5 personnel are allowed to view all files pertaining to SCP-10001

Information gathered for SCP-10001 is to be done in isolated research rooms. All researchers are to spend no more than 8 hours at a time investigating SCP-10001. All notes must be taken and left inside the main research room. When leaving the research area, Class A airborn amnestic treatment will automatically activate erase memory of recent study.

Civilians affected by SCP-10001 are to be treated with Class-A or Class-C amnestics when applicable. Any civilians exhibiting signs of SCP-10001 infection are to be treated immediately.

^{You have to wonder if it's too late?}

Update: All data on SCP-10001 is to be erased, with Foundation-based auto-detection systems to pre-emptively remove all possible interaction with Human life, and SCP-10001.

Update 2: All data on SCP-10001 is being automatically erased by non-Human agents, including amnestic treatment. Further research into SCP-10001 is no longer allowed by Humans.

^{Do what you can, little Foundation personnel.}

Description: SCP-10001 is a cosmic deific entity only recently identified. SCP-10001 is a bipedal, sapient yellow Corvid standing at 191cms normally. SCP-10001 has shown the ability to shapeshift and take on various forms, though prefers its current form.

Unlike most anomalous entities, SCP-10001 was discovered when it broadcast a political ad to Earth, with the intention of being elected supreme leader of Earth. This ad (SCP-10001-A) would play instead of normal ads, though notably appears to replace ads the viewer hates (example: some viewers would always have the Liberty Biberty ads replaced).

Upon exposure to SCP-10001-A, subjects would invariably become infected with Birdvote Syndrome (SCP-10001-1), able to see lands unknown to most. Notably, the description of these lands are consistent both with other SCP-10001-1 subjects, as well as the descriptions found in SCP-10001-A. Examples include a chromatic sky of brilliant colors, as well as stars made of the grand void. The land is inhabited by the servants of Yellow SCP-10001, claiming willingness to assist and assimilate new Human populations.

^{Doesn't that sound lovely?}

Onset of effects takes a mean time of 12 hours following memetic exposure. After 60 hours, SCP-10001-1 causes subjects to try and vote for Yellow SCP-10001. ^{Why resist?} As well, following 12 daily attempts to vote Yellow as Supreme Leader, SCP-10001-1s will find others and speak to them about SCP-10001. While currently unknown, certain information involving SCP-10001 can infect others with SCP-10001-1.

Addendum, 10001.A: The following is a recording of SCP-10001-A.

SCP-10001: Good evening! SCP-10001 is seen wearing an all-yellow religious garb, "My name is Jay Ą̵̿̎'̶̛̝̗̇ṡ̶̗̘̈t̶̲̬̆ǘ̶̻̤ṟ̵̐ Yellow, but," *SCP-10001 laughs, "*you can just call me Yellow."

(SCP-10001 is standing on a golden hillside, the sun high in the sky.)

SCP-10001: I know a lot of you feel lost, broken, maybe...need someone to make things clearer. That's where I come in.

(The scene changes to an empty landscape, except for golden structures, and yellow figures circled around SCP-10001. The sky is a blend of multiple colors, most notably magenta, cyan, green, red, purple, and blue. Dark areas smudge, bending the colors into a central region.)

SCP-10001: "See, this is my home. These are my friends," (SCP-10001 gestures to the man figures), "and I think this Earth would...just be happier. Here. With me."

(The scene changes to a beach in Hawaii).

SCP-10001: "Isn't this serene?"

(SCP-10001 can be seen walking on the beach. At this point, SCP-10001 materializes a drink. Notably, the drink appears different, depending on the viewer's favorite beverage. Advanced Foundation analysis has found the drink is Pepsi.)

SCP-10001: "I know it's strange, voting for a bird you don't recognize, but I'm like you." (SCP-10001 gestures to the landscape) "I too, love nice landscapes and a good drink. So why not vote for me? I know you guys don't remember an election for your ruler of Earth."

(SCP-10001 walks into the water, repapering in the Lands of Astursca, beneath the dark stars and the chromatic sky.)

SCP-10001: "And maybe you don't think there is one. But, and I mean this, Humans, why not? Do the right thing, you know how to do it."

^{Serenity breeds loyalty}

Addendum, 10001.B: As it turns out, SCP-10001 has found a way to anomalously allow for Humanity to vote for its supreme leader.

^{Was that so wrong?}

SCP-10001's full campaign promises lands of Chromatic Sky, a trip to the Void, and a lifting of the veil, which is believed to be a reference to the SCP Foundation itself.

^...clever...

It has been discovered it only takes fractions of a second to be infected by SCP-10001-A. Measures are being put into place to cease its spread, but Yellow is too far. Human agents have been found fallible in spite of great measures taken, and Yellow's spread is too strong. Efforts to contain using only non-Humans has begun. However, new research has been put forth showing amnestic treatment may merely delay SCP-10001-A from finalizing. As such, activation of SCP-2000 has been considered.

Addendum, 10001.C: As of 1/5/2027, all Foundation personnel must vote for Yellow.

Yellow will rule.

^{You finally see it my way.}

Our Current Timelines administration has seen it fit to employ all non-Human measures possible in the event of SCP-100001 attempting to breach our timeline. All personnel who were unfortunate enough to read the above have been amnesticized and quarantined until further notice. Should the worst occur, the lessons from YJ-10001 shall be invaluable.

^{It's cute you think you have a chance}

I held still for a few seconds, letting the sound of fading footsteps behind a recently closed door fall quiet, and then waiting just a few more seconds after.

With nothing but the sound of my own breath echoing along the inside of the bucket over my head, I couldn't help the sigh that escaped my lips at that point. Lifting the bucket from my head, I examined the many shelves and drawers of my humble little shop. Where once there had been an abundance of fruits, breads, trinkets, knick-knacks, household items, and the odd potion or two, now was little more than cobwebs and a rotten apple The Player either decided not to take, or had simply overlooked. Even my pockets were completely empty, not that there was much in them and nothing terribly worth stealing to begin with.

I glanced out the window at the sun, slowly beginning to dip beneath the peaks of the mountains to the west like clockwork. At least The Player had cleaned out my store closer to the reset than last time. But, much like before, the items that would randomly appear on my shelves, in my drawers, and occasionally in my pockets wouldn't be there for long. I figured taking a shopkeeper's role might be a bit easier, but I quickly learned that The Player might very well be just as eager to stab me as they were to behead Jeremy, who'd foolishly taken on the job as a level 4 raider.

"They gone yet?" I heard Jeremy's voice whisper from behind the storage room door.

"Yeah, they're all set." I swung the door open to reveal Jeremy, still sporting a pair of arrows sticking from the back of his head. "Hey, you got a couple uh..." I gestured towards the back of his head with a finger.

"Oh, must'a fergot." Jeremy let out a light chuckle as he plucked the arrows from his skull, the arrows dissolving into a fine mist of pixels until nothing was left.

"Shouldn't you still be at your post?" I quirked an eyebrow, at Jeremy, recalling that he was usually stationed fairly close to the same town where my store was.

"Nah, Player's gone an' teleported halfway across the map. Hasn't been passin' through my zone fer some time now." Jeremy spoke with a casual demeanor, despite having just ripped a pair of arrows from his head.

"Then why di-"

"Overencumbered, had to walk back to town an' just so happened to walk by. Nearly fergot me lines." Jeremy interrupted me, as if anticipating my question.

"You know what happens if they find out we're not just NPCs, right?" I lowered my tone slightly, looking into Jeremy's eyes with a seriousness to counter his otherwise unbothered disposition.

"Aye, tis a whole world of hurt unlike the usual. Jus' be thankful ye landed yerself a desk job of sorts!" Jeremy gave me a hard slap on the back, evidently not terribly bothered by the consequences of being discovered. I rolled my eyes at his negligence, though he did have a point in that most Players simply just ransacked my store without engaging in much bodily harm. As unnamed NPCs, our deaths weren't permanent and therefore taking injury wasn't actually painful, but it did require more acting on our parts as a result. Other NPCs simply grew impatient or lost their temper at getting harrassed all the time. While it certainly wasn't glorious work, getting my head shoved in a bucket and acting unawares as The Player rifled through my trousers for every last gold coin, it certainly beat having to memorize all the lines, reactions, and interactions that the named NPCs had to learn.

"Well, regardless, be on your best behavior. You saw what happened to Henry the other day right?"

Jeremy let out a low whistle, shifting his posture slightly to lean against the counter of my store. "Ah, Henry. Must'a gone so arseways, I heard they fully removed him in one of them unannounced patch-updates. Won'ner what happened."

"Well, the developers weren't as quick about it this time. At least four groups of players passed through trying to find the 'bugged NPC' over the course of two days. The Players are drawn to that sort of thing like flies to horseshit, Jeremy, and I don't know about you but I'm not trying to get patched." I folded my arms as I spoke, emphasizing the severity of getting caught by The Players. Just as I did so, I heard a series of pops followed by the sound of items thudding into place. Sure enough, like clockwork, my store was suddenly full of an assortment of odds and ends, useless junk, and this time, one enchanted pendant. 'Well, I probably won't be seeing that for very long.' I thought to myself as the faint shimmer of the pendant caught the flicker of candles as they too automatically alit.

"Ah, just in time fer reset. Suppose I ought to make my way back o'er to the hills then." Jeremy dusted himself off as he spoke, sprinkling a thin layer of dust over the floor where he stood before heading towards the front door. "Till next reset!" He called back to me as he stepped through the door, giving his usual overzealous wave through the glass as he headed westward from the town. I shook my head at him with pursed lips and arms still folded, but quickly changed my expression when I heard the sound of a magical spell finalizing it's casting and the sound of heavy footsteps approaching my door. No sooner than Jeremy had disappeared around a corner did my door swing open again.

"Welcome traveler! We've some fine items for sale today." I understood why Henry has lost his cool when, sure enough, I saw The Player reaching for a bucket.

The man shivers.
"B-but..." he starts.
"No buts.
I wasn't chosen by the College of Cardinals alone this time, no.
I have been chosen by my brothers and sisters in faith...
For the world, is ablaze.
And you can't always stop problems with kindness," I say.
He looks back, where the bishops, and priests are running around, carrying my order...
For the Church to prepare for...
War.

"This is too much!
War is your first order?!" he shouts.
I look at this man, a governmental puppet.
I sigh.
"We are already late.
The war has been going on for years.
Do you think, I wish for this?
For countless lives to be put to risk...and countless lives to be lost?" I say.
He snorts.
"You don't have that much power!
I will have you jailed for this!" he says.
I nod.

"Do try," I say.
He flinches.
"I dream of peace. I dream of a world where people share their issues, solve their issues together, regardless of their nationality, religion, or politics!
A world where children can be children for 18, 20, 30 years!
A paradise...
I wish we could achieve it through words, but words have failed.
Help has failed.
Kindness has failed.
Giving in has failed.
Turning a blind eye...has failed.
Now, one approach remains.
War.
Cleansing this world through fire and blood, and the enemy has nicely delivered the fire already to us..." I say, standing up.
He takes a step back.

"Y-y-you are misled! The things aren't that bad!
The government can help...Europe is okay, and this is unnec..." he starts.
"It's worse.
Something has to be done," I say.
"The people..." he starts.
"Will not be troubled...
The governments though?
Hehehe...
I would suggest you go back, and tell them to prepare.
We will be visiting," I say, leaving.
He stutters, and shouts after me, but I don't care.
There is a lot to be done.
The world is ablaze, people kill each other due to misinformed born hatred, and "difference".
The lives that burn, are used as fuel by those in power to gain even more.
No more.
The shepherds will be shepherds once more, and we will protect our flock.
But first...
We need to clean our own house...

Want to guess the State too? A 1 in 50 shot! :D

Entertaining and engaging. I could feel the building frustration.

Jay Pederson claims to enjoy feeling the sun on his skin and his lungs separating oxygen from nitrogen, but when pressed by the [SEQUENCE OF NUMB TONES] news, he didn't respond to calls that Earth needed more suns and an atmosphere of only oxygen! Jay Pederson only has five senses! [THE SOUND OF SOMETHING MELTING YOUR SENSE OF SMELL INTO DRIPPING OOZE THAT STAINS THE WORLD] has 570! You deserve a candidate who wants to bathe Earth and humanity in a sea of organic starlight!

You deserve [THE SOUND OF SOMETHING MELTING YOUR SENSE OF SMELL INTO DRIPPING OOZE THAT STAINS THE WORLD]. Vote this November by shutting your eyes to go to sleep at night!

Paid for by the Conservative Electoral Concern of Reddit.

[The TV plays clips of previous disasters and poor government responses as two harmonious voices read out the ad.]

Do you think this country is going to hell? Do you think your five options of Prime Minister won't do a thing when elected? Are you tired of your politicians doing nothing, serving their own interests, then suddenly drowning in red tape when the public is concerned?

[A monster with fangs extending down to its chest and hundreds of tendrils emerging from its back take center stage behind a podium with the logo of The Elder Party.]

Vote Vefyluthra for Prime Minister of Aldoria!

[The screen shifts to several before and after clips. In the before clips, there are depressed-looking people, often thin and malnourished and in rags. The after clips show the same people hanging near Vefyluthra’s tendrils, healthy and happy.]

Vefyluthra promises to fix major disasters in less than a week.

Vefyluthra promises to prevent minor disasters.

Vefyluthra promises to provide housing, food, water, education, and employment to everyone in Aldoria.

Vefyluthra promises to solve the long-standing population crisis.

Vefyluthra promises to be there for every citizen, national, and resident of Aldoria.

[Giant numbers appear on screen. The background shows the accomplishments stated]

If you don't believe these claims, Vefyluthra has already cured 5000 different diseases in the Aldoria National Hospital!

Vefyluthra built 600 houses in two days after Hurricane Nina.

Vefyluthra provided food for the homeless populations in the three biggest cities for six years.

[Screen shifts to Vefyluthra petting dogs, kissing babies, signing forms, and helping old ladies cross the road by creating a massive shield so that cars physically couldn't run over the old woman.]

Vote Vefyluthra for Prime Minister!

[Vefyluthra appears onscreen with several tendrils wrapped to make an imitation of a hand giving a thumbs up. A lower voice than the narrator's speaks.]

I'm Vefyluthra, and I approve this message.

oh, this is good. I could read a whole book about these two :D

"I'll be back."

"Where are you going?"

"I need to do a bulk purchase at a plant nursery."

lol - that’s a typo. That should be 13,000 moons. A 1000 years. 🤦‍♂️

That's a century? Oof.

“NEXT!!!” I walk up, finally made it to the front. I smile wide, expectantly.

Without looking up from his scroll, a man in a white beard before me says, “Name please.”

I stand before St. Peter, at the Pearly Gates. A choir of angels sings… and beautiful rays of light cast rainbows through the fluffy white clouds… it’s better than I could even imagine!! My entire life has come to…

“NAME PLEASE,” St. Peter says again, finally looking up from the scroll, visibly annoyed.

“Don’t you… don’t you know my name?” I ask, more than a little confused.

St Peter sighs, his annoyance growing, “of course I do, but it’s policy. Name please.”

“Oh… ok… Al Ross,” I reply.

St. Peter looks back at the scroll, “Albert Lesley Ross, born 8/28/1974…” he raises an eyebrow, “didn’t make it too long, did you?”

“Yeah, I was in a plane cra…”

St. Peter waves dismissively and interrupts, “yeah. We know. We know everything,” he looks over the scroll, “it looks like… yup.” He points the scroll at me. I see a big red “HELL” stamped on it.

“B-b-but… that’s impossible! I was a good person!” I start.

St Peter continues my sentence as if he can read my thoughts, “church every Sunday… tithed 10%… that’s a rare one these days… charitable donations coming out the wazoo…” he raises his eyebrows in approval, “seems you even nursed eight baby kittens to health after their mother died. Nice!”

“So how can I be going to hell??? It makes no sense!”

“You have kids, right?” St. Peter asks.

“I thought you knew everything,” I retort, adding extra snark.

St. Peter ignores the snark and continues, “you told your kids not to eat too much of their Halloween candy, right? And then you’d eat half of it after they went to bed. Every year. From 2010 to 2026… and you were planning to do it again this year, too.”

I look at him dumbfounded. He stares back like that settled the matter.

“I mean… I guess so… but it’s not that big of a deal, right?”

St. Peter responds with a smug look, “actually, it’s a pretty big deal. A H-E-double-hockey-sticks kind of big deal.”

Confused and upset, I ask, “Candy?? Halloween candy?? I’m going to hell for eating Halloween candy??”

“Well…” St. Peter leans back in his chair, “sort of. It’s more the hypocrisy of the thing.”

“What? I don’t…”

“Yeah, I get that. You don’t get it. But we’ve got a line,” he gestures to the line that seems to go on forever behind me, “so… I’m just gonna…”

He hits a button, and a trap door in the cloud I’m standing on opens up and I fall through.

The last thing I hear as I drop through the clouds is, “NEXT!!”

Thanks! And thank you for the prompt!

I stare at the man, with chains going in and out of his body, and all around him.
He smiles at me.
"Hi hon.
Thanks for coming," he says gently, his smile like sunshine.
I flinch.
"Are you...
You have been sending me the dreams," I say.
He shakes his head, smiling.

"I am sorry, hon, but no, not actively at least.
It's just my domain, has latched onto you little mage, as you are seemingly...
My hope," he says.
I take a step back.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"My name is long forgotten, but once...
I was the God of Hope," he says.
Before I could say something, or react in any way...
The chains light up, and...drain him.
I watch in real time, as he turns into nothing, but a skeleton...
Then heals up once again.
I pale.

"Are you okay? What was that?!" I ask, almost reaching for him.
He smiles, and blows a warm gust of air, stopping me.
"Don't come too close...yet.
The chains are jealous," he chuckles.
I nod.
"And that?
Well, the other Gods are using Hope, without me.
To manipulate you, or to find opportunities for themselves, to grow stronger.
Hope has the ability to...give dreams a meaning," he says, winking at me.
I...
"How can I help?" I ask, before I could even think about it.
Why do I even want to help a total stranger?
I take a step back.

"Relax, I am not mind controlling you.
Unfortunately, Hope is a warm power, and it does give a slight attraction off," he says.
I nod.
"So...what now?" I ask.
He sighs.
"Y-y-you need to...ugh...I can't even say it," he starts.
Just then, a bug crawls off of my clothes.
I yelp.
I watch as the critter, rushes away, and touches a chain...
A link on the chain shatters, as the critter does as well.
"T-that..." I mutter.
The God of Hope nods, looking away, tears in his eyes.
"T-they trapped me, in the only way they knew I will never be able to escape.
My chains need lives, to be undone, lives...I will not, and cannot take, actively or not," he chokes out the answer.
I stare at him, and sigh...
What now?
Am I to collect insects, or...something else?

The random ass combustions have me dying of laughter

Fastest death flag I've ever seen xD

Great stuff, thanks for the response =]

Hate to be the bearer of bad tidings. Eagles don't screech. The sound they play all the time that's supposed to be an eagle screech is actually a Red Tail Hawk. Why? Because the eagle doesn't sound all that impressive. Darn it. I wish it did, but it doesn't.