r/AbsoluteUnits • • Sep 14 '26

/r/all of a perturbed spider

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43.0k Upvotes

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u/trendingtattler Sep 14 '26

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4.5k

u/Typical-Structure-19 Sep 14 '26

He went back and is now fuming

2.0k

u/Crazy_Ad_91 Sep 14 '26

“Jesus Christ if I get one more damn solicitor, so help me!”

972

u/PrescriptionDenim Sep 14 '26

“Excuse me, is your web security up to date?

54

u/Thingzer0 Sep 14 '26

“Would you like to upgrade to our premium web package with better coverage & a monthly subscription?”

Edit : typos

32

u/Blackthorne75 Sep 14 '26 edited Sep 14 '26

I think his provider is stringing him along...

EDIT: Thank you for the award, kind stranger!

21

u/flopsychops Sep 14 '26

Dunno about you guys but I'm enjoying the puns on this thread

12

u/Blackthorne75 Sep 14 '26

Appreciate you joining in as well; 'thread' indeed ^_^

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29

u/willtroy7 Sep 14 '26

“We have been finding bugs in the network recently.”

4

u/Strong-Trip-3301 Sep 14 '26

All these puns are really bugging me.

3

u/geezer85 Sep 15 '26

Full of bugs

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133

u/VaderFett1 Sep 14 '26

"I got out of bed...for this?" slams door

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41

u/TheDillinger88 Sep 14 '26

“Did you not see the sign? I’ve got 127 babies inside taking a nap man, I don’t care what you’re trying to sell me.”

3

u/Whateva_Tickles_ Sep 14 '26

Oh. Eww do they last that many eggs at a time? 😭

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9

u/Br4ndoni Sep 14 '26

“Orange you glad I’m not a banana?”

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156

u/mollydrank Sep 14 '26

“I’m gonna sleep in my web tonight. I am FURIOUS!”

27

u/ScarcityMedical342 Sep 14 '26

Wtf us American Dad on?

30

u/AmazingFlatworm_ Sep 14 '26

Looks like a web.

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45

u/MrFluffyThing Sep 14 '26

Have you heard about our Lord and Savior spider Jesus? 

8 legs nailed to 4 parts of the cross.

29

u/Forward-Discussion45 Sep 14 '26

To quote Tumblr:"spider Jesus was crucified on the asterisk"

3

u/AristophaneReloaded Sep 14 '26

Bonjour.

Rhooo!😅👍

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9

u/okiknow2004 Sep 14 '26

He thought it was Uber eats but it was jehovah's witnesses

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1.9k

u/bernpfenn Sep 14 '26

the oxidized copper color is extremely fashionable

376

u/WinterWontStopComing Sep 14 '26

So hot right now

199

u/BrungalSniff Sep 14 '26

42

u/hizashiYEAHmada Sep 14 '26

New York's hottest club color right now is oxidized copper

4

u/thecheeseb0rn Sep 14 '26

Yesssss and it…it makes even the midgets look good! God I love Stephon from snl

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157

u/FalseCrazy2804 Sep 14 '26

While beautiful, it's not this spiders natural color. It likely resembles something like this instead of the blue we see here. Hoggicosa bicolor wolf spider.

100

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '26

[deleted]

31

u/Chemieju Sep 14 '26

So you're saying its like the dress where you cant really tell if its blue?

16

u/TheOneCalledEggs Sep 14 '26

its blue and gold dammit!

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u/Bug_Photographer Sep 14 '26

This could have been the issue if it was about white balance, but sadly in this instance, the color of the spider is deliberately made more blue to make it more exciting (ie for more clicks). Otherwise the surrounding sand would also have the same blue tint.

The same clip but without the blue exists out there (and most likely on Reddit as well).

3

u/Adamarr Sep 14 '26

is it reversed compared to (for example) picking a light bulb? normally the lower K would be more yellow.

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9

u/Aiyon Sep 14 '26

Still gorgeous tbh. Is it a wolf spider? Big fan of the patterning

18

u/helenagrant Sep 14 '26

This… “stuff”? Oh, okay. I see. You think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your closet, and you select… I don’t know, that lumpy blue sweater, for instance, because you’re trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what you put on your back, but what you don’t know is that that sweater is not just blue, it’s not turquoise, it’s not lapis, it’s actually ✨️cerulean✨️.

11

u/assarammer Sep 14 '26

You’re also ✨️blithely✨️ unaware of the fact that, in 2002, Oscar de la Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns, and then I think it was Yves Saint Laurent, wasn’t it?… who showed cerulean military jackets. I think we need a jacket here.

7

u/ThunderClanWarrior Sep 14 '26

Waxed slightly weathered cut copper spider

3

u/Distinct-Bathroom823 Sep 14 '26

its also fake. the spider is actually white.

3

u/NYCHReddit Sep 15 '26

Not fake, it was just due to the filmer’s headlamp colour

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2.5k

u/BenjaminDover02 Sep 14 '26

"... WELL?

CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?

NO?

THEN FUCK OFF I HAVE SPIDER SHIT TO DO."

390

u/BloomsdayDevice Sep 14 '26

[hastily retreats indoors, resumes spider shit]

235

u/FewAcanthocephala828 Sep 14 '26

25

u/Mar_is_here Sep 14 '26

This! The spider has the voice of the (OG) Willy Wonka! Case closed. Everyone go home...resumes spider shit

50

u/mennydrives Sep 14 '26

Seriously, I didn't think I could see indignation in a spider until that video.

28

u/Desert_Viking_777 Sep 14 '26

No, for real. That pause speaks volumes!

8

u/Mar_is_here Sep 14 '26

The pause was a clear assessment of the situation before complete disgust filled ole Blue Back.

18

u/IamStroodle Sep 14 '26

Guy with screw driver quietly to himself: "...Whats 'spider shit?"

Muffled "Wouldnt you like to know?!" muffled racecar sounds

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1.7k

u/ThatOtherOtherMan Sep 14 '26

The scream I just scrumpt

187

u/the_quivering_wenis Sep 14 '26

Oh the screams you will scrump, When you disturb a bump, 'Neath which lurks a large blue hairy spider. When you see her long legs, And her clusters of eggs, Your anus will grow a bit wider.

39

u/Picklecheese2018 Sep 14 '26

I can now retire from Reddit for today. This is top fucking tier!

19

u/Motor-Boating Sep 14 '26

More like tighter

10

u/Dry_Antelope6471 Sep 14 '26

Thats just your proclivity, good sir.

16

u/Spy_crab007 Sep 14 '26

And they say Dr. Seuss is dead

10

u/HeartOfGoldTears Sep 14 '26

Anus did not grow wider. Anus clenched harder than ever clenched in fact

7

u/JWBananas Sep 14 '26

Anus grew three sizes that day.

5

u/xSTSxZerglingOne Sep 14 '26

Anus can also grow a bit tighter.

5

u/SnooLemons5669 Sep 14 '26

Shouldn't your anus grow tighter not wider?

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u/HeWhomLaughsLast Sep 14 '26

They say OP's anus grew three sizes that day

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145

u/weather_watchman Sep 14 '26

Choice use of free will

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39

u/OculusMidnight2 Sep 14 '26

“Scrumpt,” I like that, lol

4

u/kaadj Sep 14 '26

Now scram!

3

u/Spicymoon9 Sep 14 '26

Hahaha. I was expecting this because I immediately knew what kind of spider it was.

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307

u/darthwickedd Sep 14 '26

30

u/Primary_Ebb_7107 Sep 14 '26

Ok doofie

14

u/ShizlGznGahr Sep 14 '26

Smell mine? Uhhh what is that?! MY ASS!

320

u/lexisauce Sep 14 '26

sigh, I've seen this many times, but I still jump every dang time.

103

u/TerraByteTerror Sep 14 '26

Its honestly one of my favorite clips. And ofc the lil squid hiding

41

u/CHANN3L-CHAS3R Sep 14 '26

I'd never seen a spider look so offended before!

20

u/lexisauce Sep 14 '26

i hope this is also one of your favs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLw-9dpHtcU

7

u/CantTouchKevinG Sep 14 '26

This is my favorite video on the internet. I have it saved on YouTube and watch it multiple times per year 😂

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18

u/Release-the-List Sep 14 '26

I get it, but I laugh every time. The spider looks so ready to start some shit, realizes it’s a giant, then just goes back home.

7

u/174_471 Sep 14 '26

Lol, yeah ever time I see this it cracks me up too. It's the face...

( º___º )

474

u/MACAUFATFAT Sep 14 '26

Fuck ,so quick

114

u/KatieCashew Sep 14 '26

Jack in the box from hell.

24

u/Zealousideal-Judge68 Sep 14 '26

*Australia (most likely)

13

u/WanderingHeph Sep 14 '26

What's the difference?

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30

u/ThatPrettyArmadillo Sep 14 '26

It’s insane. Watch it slowed all the way down: the spider goes into the hole, turns around, backs up a little and then leans forward to close the door.

29

u/Diacetyl-Morphin Sep 14 '26

Spiders have a very high acceleration, but that one is rather slow compared to the real fast like the P. Murinus. It is very difficult to compare the speeds with humans, because of the body size.

If you make an equivalent comparison between animals and humans with the top speed, the californian mite is actually the fastest one: It covers 322x times the own body size in a second. Which means, if you do the math for humans, you'd run with a speed of 2092 km/h or 1300 mph.

So the data for spiders is misleading for short distance sprint, the 13 km/h from the Australian Huntsman Spider don't sound much, but it's much faster than we are. As human, you'd already be in the supersonic speed and casually cross the sound barrier.

16

u/scarilog964 Sep 14 '26

13 km/h from the Australian Huntsman Spider don't sound much

When you've had to run away screaming from one after it ran past your head when you were lying in bed about to fall asleep, then had to spend the next half hour chasing it down... Yea they're very fast. If they weren't so fast they wouldn't be so freaky.

9

u/IHadThatUsername Sep 14 '26

13 km/h from the Australian Huntsman Spider don't sound much

Speak for yourself, that is way too much IMO

39

u/User_Name_Tracks Sep 14 '26

Yeah and missed a pretty good boop opportunity

23

u/scarletmonstrosity Sep 14 '26

He/she was already annoyed. Booping them might have made them angry enough to leap at the booper.

6

u/Spirited-Mongoose703 Sep 14 '26

Thats what my ex used to say too.. sometimes I miss her

5

u/artaru Sep 14 '26

title of your sex tape

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172

u/Ravenwight Sep 14 '26

I watched this three times, and imagined the spider getting more annoyed each time. lol

29

u/JeSuisUnAnanasYo Sep 14 '26

irl rage bait

7

u/Individual-Yam1132 Sep 14 '26

the guy with the stick is the algorithms on social media

76

u/pn1ct0g3n Sep 14 '26

That thing straight up near-clipped in

85

u/UncagedJay Sep 14 '26

HEY! Do you mind!? Fuck, I'm going back to bed.

65

u/kingtacticool Sep 14 '26

Trap-door spiders are insanely fast.

42

u/FalseCrazy2804 Sep 14 '26

This is not a trapdoor spider but rather a wolf spider. Hoggicosa Bicolor

19

u/MastaFoo69 Sep 14 '26

why the fuck is it blue tho

58

u/DTux5249 Sep 14 '26

It's not. The spider itself is actually a tan ~ bone white colour. It looks blue due to the fact this was recorded at night, with bright LEDs causing the white balance of the camera to be thrown outta wack.

You can find a colour corrected version of the video here: https://www.reddit.com/r/spiders/s/wMBuP8eIUb

6

u/0lle Sep 14 '26

"That's bone."

7

u/RandomEncounterTable Sep 14 '26

Impressive. Very nice. Let’s see Paul Allen’s burrow.

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u/FalseCrazy2804 Sep 14 '26

I'm not entirely sure. I think whoever originally posted this video was shining a light on it that made it appear blue. Or it's some kind of filter. It looks really beautiful like that I can't lie.

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u/Laefiren Sep 14 '26

And scary. We found one in our backyard and may have reacted disproportionately… his house may have been filled with concrete.

9

u/ferretsRfantastic Sep 14 '26

☹️☹️☹️

6

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '26 edited Sep 14 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/Laefiren Sep 14 '26

Not sure which variant of the several trapdoor spiders it was but in Australia I’m not taking chances.

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u/SerLaron Sep 14 '26

Now I'm wondering if there has ever been a human child raised by a wolf spider.

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u/cwsjr2323 Sep 14 '26

Spider jumps out ready for lunch. Sees a human, too big to eat, goes back "false alarm".

26

u/RadasNoir Sep 14 '26

"Can I eat you? No? Then fuck off...."

10

u/jws1102 Sep 14 '26

That’s only half of natures thought process.

“Can I eat it?”

“Can it eat me?”

“Can I fuck it?”

If no to all, then “fuck off.”

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u/JagoMajin Sep 14 '26

I think that's exactly what happens with jumping spiders since they can legitimately see you 

48

u/Jacked_Hamster Sep 14 '26 edited Sep 14 '26

Faster than Floyd Mayweather's accountant

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u/A_VERY_LARGE_DOG Sep 14 '26

“Do you FUCKING MIND!?!?”

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u/DevilMan17dedZ Sep 14 '26

Knock on my door one more mothafuckin' time.

17

u/Still_Suspect_7233 Sep 14 '26

He was expecting dinner only to find out he got ding dong ditched

9

u/DTux5249 Sep 14 '26

More accurate description was that some hooligan banged on his door while he was asleep and he was protecting his private domicile for he would not be harassed.

Source: that's a wolf spider, not a trap door spider

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u/Spear_Ritual Sep 14 '26

OMG! So scary! But how pretty.

12

u/somainthewatersupply Sep 14 '26

“Da fuck, Jerry?!? Get off my lawn, man!”

3

u/LemonIcy2942 Sep 14 '26

Jerry: Tf you mean "off my lawn"? You're my Goddamn pet!

7

u/henrytm82 Sep 14 '26

"For the last time, Gary, leave me *alone***!"

8

u/MaxKittitude Sep 14 '26

What kind of dog is that?

5

u/DTux5249 Sep 14 '26

Actual answer: Hoggicosa Bicolor. It's a two-tone wolfspider.

It isn't actually blue - it's just the camera miscorrecting white to blue due to the brightness of the headlamp on the camera man's head.

3

u/Time_after_Time_67 Sep 14 '26

it’s the fat kid from Superbad

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u/YesterdayCharming976 Sep 14 '26

I think this needs to be upvoted a few more times

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u/BrD_87 Sep 14 '26

Spider: “I SAID IT’S TOO EARLY FOR HALLOWEEN!!!”

8

u/diagnosed_depression Sep 14 '26

The way the spider slams the door is so funny

5

u/Mindless_Cookie_9098 Sep 14 '26

Just looked it up and it is called a two toned wolf spider. It is native to Australia and they make silk lined burrows to escape the heat. The blue color is from his headlamp.

3

u/DTux5249 Sep 14 '26 edited Sep 14 '26

Yeah, when you colour correct, the spider is closer to a cream/bone white colour.

6

u/Complete-Worker3242 Sep 14 '26

"...fuckin asshole." slam!

6

u/Iconshero Sep 14 '26

“YOU AGAIN?!?…. son of a bitch, you better quit playin on my door!”

5

u/donkbonk76 Sep 14 '26

Damn nature, you scary!!

4

u/CHANN3L-CHAS3R Sep 14 '26

"I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO TALK ABOUT JESUS CHRIST, GOODBYE."

3

u/DunningKrugerOnElmSt Sep 14 '26

When you think it's the door dash guy and it's just someone selling solar panels

3

u/DTux5249 Sep 14 '26

More like a dude selling flashlights, and he's blinding you lol

4

u/Mayiamaru Sep 14 '26

I love that she slams the door.

7

u/Various-Salt-7738 Sep 14 '26

Reasonable response, that spider just wasted valuable calories on his ambush only to get nothing in return

If you watch closely, it looks like the front of the spider is closing the door and not just the spider pulling it closed with it's hind legs-- little dude crawled back inside, spun around, and closed the door in like, what, 1 second?

3

u/FalseCrazy2804 Sep 14 '26

If you go frame by frame the manuevering the spider does to get its front facing up while heading back inside is absurd.

3

u/DTux5249 Sep 14 '26

Correction: That was not an ambush.

This is a two-toned wolfspider. They burrow during the day for protection from the sun and predators. They're mostly nocturnal.

The reason bro popped up was because he thought some bird or something was trying to break into his home for lunch and he didn't wanna be a proverbial fish-in-a-barrel.

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u/60510 Sep 14 '26

I jumped and yelled 😆

3

u/Psych0matt Sep 14 '26

Looks like a cute little sugar glider piloting a spider robot

3

u/Arponare Sep 14 '26

That’s his private domicile and he will not be harassed.

3

u/Achylife Sep 14 '26

"No bug!? How dare you disturb me purely for your amusement! A GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR!" (Slams tiny door)

3

u/Feddit_47 Sep 14 '26

I could hear him slam the door…

3

u/CookieMiester Sep 14 '26

“Can you don’t”

3

u/zidane2k1 Sep 14 '26

I know this is Absolute Units but I didn’t expect it to nearly fill the screen so quickly

3

u/GrimWarrior00 Sep 14 '26

"FOOD!

--.... That thing is fookin' HUGE"

6

u/FatWalcott Sep 14 '26

"Really dude?"

2

u/danbev926 Sep 14 '26

“ fuck is you doing cuz “

2

u/Liqour_Mortis Sep 14 '26

Dammit my fingers were near the screen

2

u/Qu33N_Of_NoObz_ Sep 14 '26

It’s like those animatronic boxes where you press different buttons and a thing pops out (like an octopus). The way it jumps out of its hole reminded me of that💀

2

u/riptog Sep 14 '26

Shut the box!

2

u/insufferablypedantic Sep 14 '26

That's such a beautiful spider

3

u/DTux5249 Sep 14 '26

While I agree, it should be noted that they're not blue. It's just due to a white balancing issue. Colour corrected bro is bone white

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u/THE_CAT_WHO_SHAT Sep 14 '26

"YOU PICKED THE WRONG HOUSE FOO!"