r/AmItheAsshole • u/throwthisaway7886688 • May 28 '20
Not the A-hole AITA for distancing myself from my girlfriend after she told me she used to be a bully at school
I (26M) had been dating my girlfriend (23F) for a few months. We were at her house tidying the attic and then we found some pictures of her as a teenager with some friends. I asked her how popular she was at school. I was quite popular, had a lot of friends, and was just wondering.
What she said turned my mind around. She said she used to have some sort of "mini gang" of friends who were always criticising and insulting this other group of girls. I asked why. She said one of the girls in the other group lost a parent to cancer and had since been upset, not talkative, and randomly crying. She said the girl was a crybaby in a 15 year old's body and should just "get over it". The other girls apparently always were comforting the upset girl. She called them the four teen mums due to their hugs and support.
I was upset about this. I've lost two grandparents to various cancers, and I was very upset when it happened and I understood what it was like to be the girl who was upset. I also didn't think my girlfriend had any remorse or regret for what she had done judging by how she spoke of the girl and her friends. We finished tidying the attic and then I went home later that day.
I had since been only responding to some of her messages, and our country has went in lockdown. When she asked about my constant inactivity, I told her the truth. She was angry and yelled at me on the phone that her past shouldn't matter to me and that the girl shouldn't be important. As someone who has lost loved ones to cancer, I disagree. She has since been cold with me, I have tried talking to her several times and calling her but she just ignores me. AITA?
UPDATE:
I called my then-girlfriend last night and told her that I wouldn't be able to continue the relationship with her because of her lack of empathy and she was still a bully. She did not beg me to stay, in fact she yelled at me down the phone that she was better off without a guy who "obsesses over her past" and she hopes I "enjoy being miserable without her" at that point I called bullshit on talking to her again and hung up.
While I enjoyed the relationship before I saw her true colors, I decided to block her and unfriend her on all social media I have. I didn't want her to ever talk to me again. As I said, I lost loved ones to cancer just like the girl she bullied lost a parent to, and it offended me a lot.
One of our mutual friends texted me and told me my ex had put up a post on Instagram claiming she broke up with me because I criticised her too much. Luckily her account's private so not the whole world can see but I was outraged and told her the truth. She was shocked and followed to make a post on her Instagram telling the truth about it and I made one on mine. My ex's like count and follower count dropped. Several people also say they have blocked her too. It serves her right.
This morning, one of our mutual friends has left me, but all others have stayed by my side. It turned out the one mutual friend who left me was in fact one of the girls in the photo we found in the attic, who also partook in the bullying but she changed her style a lot when she left school, at least a couple of my other mutual friends told me some of whom also went to the same school but weren't bullies.
I'm enjoying my life now. I haven't looked back and I hope after the lockdown I'll find someone new.
Thank you everyone.
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u/Allvah2 Asshole Enthusiast [5] May 28 '20
NTA. Your girlfriend isn't a teenager anymore. She's well past the age where she should realize that shit isn't okay. I would have said everyone sucks here if she felt bad about who she used to be, and you didn't give her a chance. But it sounds like she has no remorse. In which case, yeah. She's the asshole.
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u/throwthisaway7886688 May 28 '20
I only really distanced myself from her because she had no remorse, if it was just some stuff she had done when she was 15 and immature and she was sorry I wouldn't have cared. But she still refers to the girl as a crybaby and other insults. Thank you.
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u/Alert-Potato Craptain [179] May 28 '20
A grown-ass 23 year old woman thinks crying because your parent died of cancer makes you a crybaby? Is she a sociopath? Because thatâs either sociopathic or one of the coldest hearts Iâve ever heard of in a non-fictional person.
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u/KatsuExpert May 28 '20
Ah, I hate to quote Maya too easily but it is true in this case .. âWhen Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Themâ
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u/TwistedxBoi May 28 '20
I think even sociopaths can understand that others might feel devastated when a loved one dies, they just can't experience that feeling themselves, so the GF is worse than a socipath
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u/MagicalDogBandit Asshole Enthusiast [6] May 28 '20
The lack of remorse is as bad as the bullying itself, imo. You're right in that had she had some remorse or regret about it perhaps. But it doesn't sound like she's changed any since she was 15.
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u/veggiezombie1 May 29 '20
Itâs worse if you ask me. Yes, bullying a girl because she lost a parent was a shitty thing to do for sure, but showing no remorse means she not only sees nothing wrong with what she did, but that sheâs also still a bully. I hope she never has children
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May 28 '20
This is the big takeaway. I have done things I am not proud of in life, but the key is that I am horrified by my behaviour now. I would do anything to take it back, and have genuinely learned the error of my ways. Your girlfriend is not, and is displaying a remarkable lack of empathy. That speaks to her character NOW, not just then. NTA
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u/RedQueen9 May 28 '20
Exactly. If I met teenager me on the street, I'd punch that little shit in the face, and I'd deserve it. A huge part of being a teenager is growing up, learning from your mistakes, reflecting on your past behavior, and generally figuring out how not to be an asshole.
Clearly this girl never even had a nodding acquaintance with introspection, to say nothing of empathy. Good riddance.
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u/CommanderBunny May 28 '20
I think you did the right thing. The lack of remorse is rather unsettling.
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u/Retlifon Partassipant [2] May 28 '20
Whatâs your goal here? You distanced yourself from her, youâve ignored her messages, which makes sense if you think sheâs an unrepentant bully. But if so, why are you calling her or upset she doesnât respond?
What do you want? To stay with her while feeling morally superior?
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u/throwthisaway7886688 May 28 '20
I was more of wondering if I was TA for wanting to distance myself from her because of what happened years ago, and whether the fact she does not regret it is a good enough reason.
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u/Retlifon Partassipant [2] May 28 '20
If itâs a good enough reason for you, itâs a good enough reason. There arenât objective rules about feeling affection.
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u/throwthisaway7886688 May 28 '20
Okay, thank you.
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u/mrs-peanut-butter May 28 '20
For what it's worth, it would be enough for me. She 's still showing an APPALLING lack of empathy.
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May 28 '20
[deleted]
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u/Biraccola May 28 '20
Lets be friends:)
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May 28 '20
[deleted]
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u/Biraccola May 28 '20
I have 13 stickbugs. In a plexiglass box.
And a stuffed toy shaped as a tuxedo cat. I call it Figaro.
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u/Zeroinferno May 28 '20
Just casually reading the subreddit at work to pass the time, but y'all both made me laugh pretty hard. Thanks
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u/veggiezombie1 May 29 '20
She gave you enough reason to end the relationship if you ask me. Her lack of remorse is a major red flag that you ought to take seriously.
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u/ashishvp May 28 '20
It sounds like this development is definitely hurting you. I hope she comes around but you gotta do what's best for you.
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u/Cayke_Cooky Partassipant [1] May 28 '20
OK, NTA for your feelings about wanting distance. But, you do need to decide if you are breaking up or if it is fixable and tell her.
Or straight up ghost her if that is how you want to break up it's not the nicest, but it is still better than stringing her along.
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May 28 '20
He's probably just taking time to feel out what this means to him. For example, if he decides to break up with her, it may take time to think that through before deciding.
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u/SergeantO94 Partassipant [2] May 28 '20
NTA. Your gf is a dick, and, since she apparently has no regrets about it, I wouldnât recommend furthering a relationship with somebody like that. You did the right thing by distancing yourself from her.
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May 28 '20
Nta. While people can change, it doesnât sound like your girlfriend has. She was still making excuses as to why her behavior was acceptable. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
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u/frolicndetour Asshole Aficionado [16] May 28 '20
NTA. I believe bullies can reform, as I definitely did do some bullyish things in my youth that, thinking upon now, shame me no end. But this issue is that now, today, she has no remorse. That is who she is now...and it is not good.
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u/Alert-Potato Craptain [179] May 28 '20
NTA - the fact that she didnât shamefully admit this, but still seemed to hold the same beliefs, says sheâs still a bully. Cut your losses.
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u/em-dot May 28 '20
What?? What does "distancing yourself" from someone you're meant to be in a relationship with prove??
Just dump her??!
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u/aurora-phi May 28 '20
exactly, ESH until you break up with her. especially now you told her why and this is her response.
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u/uhno28 Partassipant [3] May 28 '20
NTA Your girlfriend is still a bully. You aren't judging her or distancing yourself for something she did in the past. You are doing it because right now in 2020 as a 23yo she thinks that bullying is no big deal and losing family members makes you a crybaby.
If she has no remorse at 23, than she's worse off than when she was 15. At least back then you could say she was an immature kid. She's now a full adult who didn't develop empathy.
I genuinely think you should leave her. It's not like you can talk it out much... you can't force a person to suddenly develop empathy. The most you'd get is a half-assed apology to get you to drop it (and I don't even think you'd get that) but no real change.
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u/sra19 Supreme Court Just-ass [127] May 28 '20
NTA â it would be one thing if she told you about her past behavior with some kind of remorse, because people are allowed to grow. But if she still doesnât see anything wrong with what she did, that tells you everything about who she still is.
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May 28 '20
NTA for how you're feeling but you should talk to your girlfriend and decide whether you want to continue the relationship. Giving her the cold shoulder doesn't solve anything and is hurtful, even if she too has shown to do hurtful things. I think the fact she shows no remorse for it is awful and I completely would understand not wanting to continue to date someone knowing this.
Edit: I misread the last paragraph. Since it's her giving you the cold shoulder, to me, it signals even more she is not mature or kind.
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u/DrkNiteLass May 28 '20
You dodged a bullet here. The way she spoke about her high school past and the telephone call, she definitely does not feel any remorse, esp as she should be aware as an adult what bullying can do to ppl. You are defintitely NTA.
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u/MadameBurner May 28 '20
NTA. My verdict would be different if she showed some remorse, but hot damn, it takes a real lack of self awareness to not take any accountability after eight years.
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u/Fiire97 May 28 '20
I'd say NTA, being a bully like that and not showing remorse years later is a major issue. She may still feel that way and continues to be a bully where you can't see. You were truthful about what was bothering you when she asked, it's not your fault she got upset with the response. I think you should think about if you want to continue to be in a relationship with someone like her.
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u/badb-crow Supreme Court Just-ass [113] May 28 '20
NTA. It would be one thing if she'd been a bully as a teen and now realized how she treated that other girl was wrong, but she called her a crybaby as an adult. She still looks down on that poor girl who lost a parent. That says a lot. What if someone in her life lost a family member now, and was crying and emotional about it? How would she treat them?
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May 28 '20
NTA, this is her true character. She is still unrepentant about bullying the girl and this is a massive red flag, perhaps you should seriously reconsider your relationship wih her.
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u/dookle14 Pooperintendant [61] May 28 '20
NTA - you just got a good look at her character and how she treats people. If you didnât like what you saw/heard, itâs unlikely sheâll get better as time goes on. Maybe the best thing is to move on and find someone else who has a little empathy.
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u/Flimsy-Stomach May 28 '20
If she has said, "I used to be a bully, man I f'd up back then." Then ywbta. However since she doesn't seem to regret her actions and is still very callous about it, then NTA op. Chances are she still is a bully.
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u/Dear-Complex May 28 '20
She was angry and yelled at me on the phone that her past shouldn't matter to me
I don't know where this notion that the past doesn't matter comes from. Of course you're allowed to change and grow, but of course your past informs your present and past and is subject to judgment. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that either OP NTA.
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u/GlassReverie Certified Proctologist [21] May 28 '20
NTA - sheâs still a bully judging by the way she talks and lack of remorse.
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u/DeiselRemo Asshole Enthusiast [7] May 28 '20
NTA. I see it as youâre not pissed at her for her past, youâre pissed because she doesnât regret it now.
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u/xQueenAryaStark Asshole Enthusiast [7] May 28 '20
NTA. She has shown you what she is. Is it what you want?
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u/sourapplepiez Partassipant [1] May 28 '20
NTA I hate people who don't self reflect and learn that their past behavior was wrong. If she doesn't think that what she did was wrong, then she probably never will and is still a bully.
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u/igoromg May 28 '20
NTA, it's not the past that's important here, it's that her attitude is the same and she has no remorse over her actions.
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u/booplydooply2 Partassipant [2] May 28 '20
NTA. If she doesnât feel remorse she hasnât changed.
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u/Medievalmoomin Partassipant [1] May 28 '20 edited May 28 '20
NTA I would do the same. If she were really sorry now, if she had a new, empathetic perspective and could see how horribly she treated people back then, I would still feel uneasy about her character, but actual regret and a mature perspective and efforts to change would count for something.
But she has shown you that she is just as lacking in empathy, maturity, and kindness now as she was when she was fifteen or so. She showed you who she really is. She doesnât think she did anything wrong, and she went full teenage bully on you for being honest about why you were distancing yourself.
Iâm sorry you found out these really unpalatable things, but itâs better to see someone this unkind for who she really is.
Your instinct to back off is sound.
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May 28 '20
NTA but sheâs shown you her true colours now, she was (/is?) a bully who shows no remorse even when she was targeting a child whose family were affected by cancer. She has concerningly low empathy levels.
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u/soccersprite Partassipant [1] May 28 '20
I mean at 23 she's well past the age that people realize they're wrong, outgrow their bullying, and mature in their behavior. It sounds like she's still a child in some ways and thinks that cruelty and vindictiveness are genuinely reasonable character traits to have. The fact that she described this girl as pathetic in the present tense for going through the death of her parent... Is in fact, repulsive to me just as a reader. Like, I'm not trying to feel this way, it just FEELS disgusting, like she has put slime all over my body and it would be repulsive to be near her. This is disgusting behavior. I feel gross thinking about your girlfriend. She is legitimately... pathetically cruel. Petty and spiteful. Very small inside. Her character is exceedingly decrepit. I don't really know how someone like her can still be around and think that behavior is excusable. She sounds like she has a whiff of rotting garbage inside her and no one could tell.
NTA. If she can't talk this over with you maturely and explain her side, if she just has a hissy fit and decided to punish you/blame you/guilt you etc for feeling a very rational and reasonable reaction (this is the bare basis of humanity and she is severely lacking, at 15 and onwards? Everyone has some analytical thinking skills in their head. This is incredibly ugly behavior from her)... If she responds in a way that denies that any of that behavior was wrong or says you're overreacting for not really wanting to be around someone who does that stuff, that means she full on agrees with what she used to do, and it's likely she will never see an issue with it since she doesn't want to see that.
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May 28 '20
NTA!- I've lost a 2-year-old cousin to brain cancer, and I get that it's a terrible thing for anyone who knew them. The fact that it's the girl's parent makes it even worse, and the fact that your girlfriend shows no remorse for what she did just shows what kind of person she actually is.
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u/sleepyseaslug May 28 '20
NTA.
But don't 'distance yourself' from her. If you're upset, tell her. If don't want to be with her anymore, break up with her and be done with it. Ghosting is for teenagers. Be an adult and talk to her.
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u/ashishvp May 28 '20 edited May 28 '20
If she truly didn't seem remorseful in any way, then NTA and I'd watch your own back too.
I had a bit of a bully problem in high school too. However, the man reached out to me a few years ago and we talked it out. He's changed. He's very chill now and I'm happy for him.
Your girlfriend should do the same. But it doesn't sound like she gives a shit.
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u/hmg07 Asshole Aficionado [11] May 28 '20
NTA. She pretty much told you she lacks empathy for people in serious situations and genuinely only cares about herself. I'd get out of that relationship.
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u/Turkeybaconisheresy May 28 '20
I lost my father around that age due to cancer. I also recieved some pretty cruel bullying from me being emotional at school. Not a lot but enough that 11 years later it still sticks out in my mind as some of the cruelest things that someone has ever said to me.
I don't think I like your girlfriend very much. You should get a new one. NTA.
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u/Ramsolo88 May 29 '20
At just the title, I thought you seemed like you might be TA for overreacting on past mistakes. But if she still stands by what she did after all this time and doesnât see anything wrong with it, then thatâs on her. OP youâre NTA
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u/HmmTodayIwillHmm May 29 '20
NTA, if shes that grown up and is still defending her past horrible actions, she is still an evil person at heart and you should break ties with her while the relationship is still young.
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u/terrificsmith Partassipant [1] May 29 '20
NTA
Your girlfriend wasn't a bully at school, she is a bully.
Run.
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u/AutoModerator May 28 '20
AUTOMOD The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read this before contacting the mod team
I (26M) had been dating my girlfriend (23F) for a few months now. We were at her house trying to tidy the attic and then we found some pictures of her as a teenager with some friends. I asked her how popular she was at school. I was quite popular, had a lot of friends, and was just wondering.
What she said turned my mind around. She said she used to have some sort of "mini gang" of friends who were always criticising and insulting this other group of girls. I asked why. She said one of the girls in the other group lost a parent to cancer and had since been upset, not talkative, and randomly crying. She said the girl was a crybaby in a 15 year old's body and should just "get over it". The other girls apparently always were comforting the upset girl. She called them the four teen mums due to their hugs and support.
I was upset about this. I've lost two grandparents to various cancers, and I was very upset when it happened and I understood what it was like to be the girl who was upset. I also didn't think my girlfriend had any remorse or regret for what she had done judging by how she spoke of the girl and her friends. We finished tidying the attic and then I went home later that day.
I had since been only responding to some of her messages, and our country has went in lockdown. When she asked about my constant inactivity, I told her the truth. She was angry and yelled at me on the phone that her past shouldn't matter to me and that the girl shouldn't be important. As someone who has lost loved ones to cancer, I disagree. She has since been cold with me, I have tried talking to her several times and calling her but she just ignores me. AITA?
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May 28 '20
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u/staffsargent May 28 '20
NTA. I might agree with your gf if she had told this story with remorse and recognition of how cruel she was to that poor girl. But the fact that she seems almost gleeful about it definitely says something about her character. Your gf clearly has a lot of growing up to do.
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u/NaughtyDred May 28 '20
NTA - people can get really pissed off when they discover that there are repercussions in how people think of them in the present for things they did in the past. In fact people get really angry when they find out any repercussions are something that can happen to them.
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u/WattsitTuya May 28 '20
NTA. It would be one thing if it was in the past and she expressed some level of guilt over it -- people change, and many childhood bullies grow up to be kind adults who regret their past actions. However, considering her lack of empathy years later and the fact she still believes that the girl should just "get over it" doesn't make her seem like she's changed very much along the way. I can't say for sure, as I do not know her, but that just seems kind of like a self-centered sociopath.
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u/emmasrad May 28 '20
NTA- if her mom died tomorrow would she be a cry baby in a 23 year olds body? Her lack of remorse shows shes still a bully.
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u/TraditionalCompote6 May 28 '20
NTA but if you've been distant with her for (I'm guessing) several weeks and she's now being distant with you I'm wondering why you're still in a relationship. Like this doesn't seem like you we're pissed and got over it, this seems like it's fundamentally changed how you see her to the point you don't want to be around her (which is fair enough) I don't see why you're still together
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u/PhantomNiffler Asshole Aficionado [12] May 28 '20
NTA. She's still a remorseless bully at heart, she's shown you that.
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u/offroadrnr May 28 '20
NTA your gf is still a bully. Sheâs bullying you now for your feelings. She has no remorse over treating someone terribly in school. I feel bad for any kids she might have in the future.
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May 28 '20
NTA, this is not about her past but her clearly not seeing any fault in her actions or regretting them. She probably still acts this way, judges others, makes fun of them,... and itâs very understandable if this is a dealbreaker for you.
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u/starwarschick16 May 28 '20
NTA- if she expressed regret over her actions i would say she learned from her mistakes, but that clearly isn't the case. Her behavior and lack of compassion makes her the asshole and a good reason to make her an ex.
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May 28 '20
NTA. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
I think you know your answer.
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u/AITAthrowawayeeeee May 28 '20
NTA why are you still dating her? She sounds horrible.
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u/daaaabs May 28 '20
So he should end their relationship, no matter how it has been going between the 2 of em so far, because she bullied some people in high school?
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u/AITAthrowawayeeeee May 28 '20
She shows no remorse for being an emotional terrorist in high school. Thatâs who she is. I would never be with someone like that personally, so to answer your question, yeah. Absolutely.
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u/paha_tytto Partassipant [2] May 28 '20
NTA- sounds like she is still a bully if those are fond memories. Really sad
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May 28 '20
that her past shouldn't matter to me
if this was really the issue then i would somewhat agree, but the point of the matter is that she shows no remorse or understanding of the wrongness of her actions IN THE PRESENT and that is not a good look on a significant other. NTA for judging her for not having improved from teenage bully.
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u/gingergale312 Partassipant [1] May 28 '20
ESH
She sucks for obvious reasons.
You suck for dragging her along when you clearly don't want to continue the relationship. Just break up.
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u/SwiggyBloodlust May 28 '20
She bullied a girl who lost a parent. If she was also 15, that wasnât that long ago. And then she doubled down when you said it bothered you.
Everyone has their own boundaries and lines in the sand. This would be mine. NTA
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u/veggiebuilder May 28 '20
NTA, how dare she claim this is about the past. It's about the fact that she still doesn't feel remorse.
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u/anon66212 May 28 '20
NTA. As someone who was a bully in high school, as an adult I am extremely embarrassed by who I was then and would never speak like that about how I acted. I feel shame and sadness and have tried my best to make amends and be a better person, and acknowledge that who I was is entirely a reflection of who I was and not the other person.
That being said - bullying someone who lost someone to cancer? Sheâs a lot worse than TA.
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May 28 '20
NTA. Itâs obviously not in the past when she continues to exhibit that same behavior and isnât remorseful. It would certainly be a dealbreaker for me, and I donât think itâs an overreaction by any means. Good luck with her, it sounds like youâll need it.
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u/bananers24 May 28 '20
NTA. It would be one thing if she'd learned from her past and grown as a person, but if she sees nothing wrong with her bullying behavior then that means she's still a bully. DTMFA -- you'd be well shot of her.
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u/cherr1ep1e May 28 '20
NTA. We all do shit when we are teens, but she doesn't feel bad about it or doesn't regret. It's really bad to live with someone like this.
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u/delightful_butterfly May 28 '20
NTA and u need to reevaluate this relationship. Can you really be with someone who is so mean hearted?
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u/SharpBlackberry3 Partassipant [1] May 28 '20
NTA.
At fifteen, she took it upon herself to decide how and when someone else should âget overâ the death of a parent, to the point of mocking the girl and anyone who showed her sympathy.
Now sheâs telling YOU how you ought to feel.
This shows an alarming and ongoing lack of empathy and a lack of the kind of personal emotional growth you might expect between 15 and 23.
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u/MadGod1210 May 28 '20
Her past shouldnât matter, but itâs clearly not in the past. She isnât apologetic or sorry whatsoever so this is a present problem. NTA
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u/FlinnyWinny Partassipant [1] May 28 '20
NTA. It would've been different if she was talking about it and regretting it in hindsight. This, on the other hand, is quite frankly disgusting and shows a serious lack of remorse and empathy. Honestly, for me personally, this would be a deal breaker.
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u/JenAYE2 May 28 '20
NTA - Wow if she told you the story and showed empathy and said she really should find the girls and apologize I would say, yes she has changed. But as you write it she shows no empathy or concern, so she is still that bullying person!!!!
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u/TentaclesAndCupcakes Certified Proctologist [26] May 28 '20
NTA - It would be different if she had some remorse for the situation. It sounds like she's still the AH.
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u/screechfest May 28 '20
NTA. the way she described it means she STILL feels that way about people who've experienced loss. she has NO IDEA the pain that comes with this and she didn't show any bit of remorse for the way she acted in the past. no offense, but you should leave her. she doesn't and never has understood that bullying is wrong and needs to understand that others are allowed to have feelings that she doesn't understand and she should accept them no matter what
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u/Illoney May 28 '20
Regardless of "the girl shouldn't be important" and the specific context here, the lack of compassion and empathy would personally be a completel dealbreaker for me. NTA
Of course, if she had done that and was clearly not proud of it, having grown and realised it's a shitty thing to do, that'd be a different story.
Edit: To clarify, if she had shown remorse, that simply means she was not TA, whether you'd still want to date her after that is a different discussion.
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May 28 '20
This girl sounds pretty immature. Are you sure you want to maintain a relationship with her?
NTA
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u/Deweyfinnrocks May 28 '20
NTA RED FLAG I have done things that Iam embarrassed of to this day Iam a victim turned bully and mellowed out and feel bad for my actions, Iam floored that sheâs literally defending that she used to be (and still is) an AH for treating that girl badly she had somebody who died a sad tragic way Iam sorry for your losses as well. I would break up with her if I was in your shoes she clearly hasnât grown up and see how bad her actions are and how they affect you and how shitty they are.
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u/Marmari22 May 28 '20
NTA
She still refers to the girl as a crybaby for grieving. She's still a bully.
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May 28 '20
She is simply being a bishh here. I understand not having empathy, as I myself can't sense empathy. But c'mon even if you don't feel empathy, as in you don't feel the feelings other person feels, you can full well understand intellectually that something you do is bad. Whether you care about it or not is another thing. But not understanding that what you do is a sh*t move, is a whole new level of being a prick. NTA.
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u/wkrausmann May 28 '20
NTA
If this were me, I think I have to weigh my options. I would need to set her down and talk to her seriously about what she did growing up. If she is sorry for what she did, Iâd work on moving forward into the future with her. If sheâs not remorseful about what she did and justifies what she did in any way, I will hit the road. Losing a few months invested in a relationship wonât hurt as badly as having a few years.
We all have done horrible things in our pasts that we are responsible for. As adults, we either atone for our transgressions, or we accept what we did guilt free. These are things we will be judged by.
My wife knows some of the dark secrets of my past. I answered for them as a man, and I know she has forgiven me. She knows that Iâm not that person anymore and she still loves me.
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u/viking162 May 28 '20
NTA because from what it sounds like, she didnât really seem to care, as if it was just another funny story.
Normally by this age you would regret all the dumb stuff you did in high school, especially if you were mean to someone. It didnât really sound like she âgrew upâ from that, otherwise the conversation wouldâve been her giving the background and then talking about how she regrets being mean, and how she couldnât believe she was like that back then, and how it was super embarrassing for her now. (At least thatâs how I am and the people I know act when we are reminded of dumb stuff from when we were younger)
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u/PDX816 May 29 '20
NTA - although I do think you need to give her a little leeway to prove that she isn't the same person. I say that as someone who wasn't very nice in middle school (because I was hurting and couldn't deal), but I KNOW what I did was awful. I am not the same person and have a lot of shame about how I treated other people. If it was brought up to me now I wouldn't lash out, I would try and explain where I was emotionally and how sorry I am.
Being a former bully does not automatically make someone a bad person. Being a former bully who doesn't see how hurtful they were does.
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u/veggiezombie1 May 29 '20
NTA. Sheâs not the asshole today for being a bully during school. A lot of people that age lash out for many reasons, such as insecurity, abuse at home, etc., and I believe everyone deserves a second chance to not be a shitty person.
But sheâs an asshole because she saw nothing wrong with her actions. And the fact that she sees nothing wrong with her behavior today is a massive red flag. Honestly, this is reason enough to break up with her.
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May 29 '20
NTA. Not only did she show you who she was, she showed you who she is. Don't bother trying to get back in touch; you'd basically be asking for a world of drama.
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u/offisirplz May 29 '20
I would stop thinking of it as a serious relationship if she has no remorse. nta
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May 29 '20
INFO Do you still love her? It must have been fairly serious if you were helping clean her house.
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u/Vov113 Asshole Enthusiast [6] May 28 '20
ESH- I don't think it's necessary to explain why she's being shitty here, but ghosting a significant other isn't a good thing to do. Talk to her about it and really consider if that's someone you want to be with
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u/daaaabs May 28 '20
NAH. It was in high school. This is somewhat like someone famous trying to do great things, then someone digs through quotes they said years ago, trying to humiliate them. In terms of how she said it, maybe she was saying it with little remorse to keep the mood light, instead of making the attic tidying emotional by saying how much she regrets it. If you notice/have noticed patterns of her recently being a bad person, then think about. If not, and this was a thing of the past, donât compromise your relationship over it.
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u/cbrdragon Partassipant [1] May 28 '20
Not sure how popular this answer is but Iâm going with ESH
Sheâs an asshole for bullying someone and still having no remorse for it years later. (I was bullied pretty severely in grade school and it sucked).
But you also suck for just giving her the silent treatment over it. Youâre 26. If her behaviour is unacceptable to you, either talk to her about or break up with her.
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May 28 '20
Everyone thinks that because they had a grandparent who had cancer that they understand what it's like to have a parent with cancer and to lose that parent. You don't understand what it's like to be the girl who was upset.
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u/ver0cious May 28 '20
Ok cool, so you're ghosting at 26 and your criticizing your partner for acting childish as a child.
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u/throwthisaway7886688 May 28 '20
I am not ghosting her. I have tried calling her to talk to her, and I only went cold with her initially to think things through.
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u/Biraccola May 28 '20
She isnt a child anymore and has no remorse.
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u/ver0cious May 28 '20
If you have an issue with someone you communicate, and if you don't want to date someone just break it off.
GirlgangA vs GirlgangB gossiping about each other is like the pg13 version of bullying that you see in movies. Guys do the same with sports when they are that age.
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u/Biraccola May 28 '20
This wasnt gossiping. This was an absolute lack of emphaty about a loss.
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u/ver0cious May 28 '20
Imagine that 10 years from now someone will break of your relationship and ghost you, because you didn't show empathy to the girl in this thread.
Teens are not great with empathy specially not for strangers and rivals, but they should be able to show respect. Even for grownups it's only about 10% that feels empathy for strangers, and it's something that you learn rather than are born with.
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u/Biraccola May 29 '20 edited May 29 '20
Why does she deserve empathy? Its not the same thing. ~10 years have passed and She still cant see what she did wrong. You talk about respect, yet is clear that she has none. At 15 one shouId know better. Teens may not be great with empathy, but taunting someone like this is different.
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u/ver0cious May 29 '20 edited May 29 '20
I don't know her nor her side of the story, but for one he is shaming her online to their entire contact circles for something she perhaps did when she was 15, this kind of vengeful behavior is not pretty nor righteous (and is illegal in most European countries) not sure about in US if it applies to defamation lawsuits or not. He is hurt because she dumped him for handling the relationship like he did, the amount of drama that he is trying to stir up is not proportional. If you don't like someone you stop dating them, not keep dating them and try to make them miserable and then try to take revenge online.
If you think you're on the 'good side' you're not, you're on the side that travel across the country and burns witches.
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u/Biraccola May 29 '20 edited May 29 '20
He left her because of her lack of empathy now, not only as a teen. And blocked her, not wanting to talk to her again. She falsely told online that she left him first because of him not accepting her past. She got called out on her lie by a third part, not by the ex bf. Her friends saw this and left her. He never tried to avenge himself by shaming her online. If someone tried to defame someone else, its the ex gf. Plus he didnt defame her.
Im not saying that im on the good part. Im saying that not simpathizing with someone that taunted someone else for crying over a dead parent and does not show any remorse as an adult is different that not showing empathy to someone that lost a parent. The whole thing about burning witches sounds like clumsy manipulation.
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u/ver0cious May 29 '20 edited May 29 '20
Empathy is limited, and people feel less empathy for strangers and enemies. Not feeling empathy because you dislike someone is what the girl did as 15, and what you do right now.
You take the side of someone who wants to burn his ex online, of a sob story where she has done nothing wrong towards him (except maybe dumping him), but he to her. If someone don't like you, accept that. Don't try to punish them for it.
The guy is pathetic, blocking her - what for? Is she harassing him, or he her? It's like punching someone and then run away.
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u/Biraccola May 29 '20 edited May 29 '20
feeling less empathy doesn't mean that you can bully someone for crying. I dont dislike her just for what she did at 15, but mostly for how she feels about that now. Now she is an adult.
I found her unlikable for activingly bullying someone for being sad, without provocation; she disliked someone for what? Crying because of a dead parent?
Yes, at first she has done nothing wrong to him. But she made clear a side about her that he didnt know. Its like people that during a first date are rude to the stuff. Plus, after all this she did wronged him. She tried to spread a lie about him being dumped by her. If you dislike someone you have the right to block them. It helps you to part from them. And She was the one that tried to burn him online saying that he couldnt accept her past, not him. This is vindicative behavior. The problem isnt what she did then, as you keep saying, is what she is doing now.
You say that he is tryin to shame her online. How is he doing it?
And again, he didnt burn her online. He simply defended himself after she tried to spread the lie that she dumped him.
Have you read the edit?
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u/LazerKhan May 28 '20
NAH.
Sounds like you two aren't really compatible. You need to find someone with more empathy and she needs a guy with a little more bloodlust. Maybe go your separate ways.
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May 28 '20
Jesus you might be just as crazy as she is. Can you imagine her finding another sociopath to be in a relationship with, thereâs already too much evil shit going on in the world.
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u/LazerKhan May 29 '20
Can you imagine her finding another sociopath to be in a relationship with, thereâs already too much evil shit going on in the world.
Yep. And it's always been like that and it always will be. It's better for her to be with someone else like her than it is to inflict herself on otherwise nice people.
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u/Biraccola May 29 '20
Didnt they generally avoid each other?
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u/Cent1234 Certified Proctologist [21] May 28 '20
ESH. I happen to agree; what one does as a teenager shouldn't necessarily matter. And I don't think it does, here. The red flag is her current view of her past behavior.
But in this case, you simply withdrawing and brooding isn't cool. Learn to use your words, bro, you're ostensibly an adult. You don't need to use the emotional manipulation, "I'm pissed off but you have to read my mind and come chasing after me" tactics.
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May 28 '20
I don't see manipulation here. I see shock, disappointment, frustration, hurt.
He needed time to process this new information about her and probably figure out whether he even wanted to be in a relationship with her, especially given her apparent lack of remorse.
Granted, he could have told her he needed some time to figure some stuff out, but judging from her reaction to when he finally did talk to her, he probably wasn't expecting a mature response from her in the first place.
Maybe he should have said he needs some space, but I don't see manipulation or tactics here at all. It wasn't deliberate.
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u/Cent1234 Certified Proctologist [21] May 28 '20
I was upset about this. I've lost two grandparents to various cancers, and I was very upset when it happened and I understood what it was like to be the girl who was upset. I also didn't think my girlfriend had any remorse or regret for what she had done judging by how she spoke of the girl and her friends. We finished tidying the attic and then I went home later that day.
This part is shock, disappointment, frustration, hurt. Although I do also note "I also didn't think my...." as opposed to "Upon asking my GF, she indicated she didn't have any....." He jumped to an assumption. Maybe it was a valid assumption to go on; I get that we're getting a very short synopsis of what may well have been two-hour reenactment of terribly bullying that she thought would amuse him. On the other hand, she might have been very brief and matter-of-fact because it's an old shame that she's reluctant to revisit.
I had since been only responding to some of her messages, and our country has went in lockdown.
This part is manipulation. He's not communicating his feelings, he's not trying to have a dialogue, he's not even simply asserting a boundary that he wants absolutely nothing to do with anybody who's ever been a bully. Instead, he's withholding communication and affection.
Dude had a valid cause for concern. He went about dealing with it wrong. He's young, and hopefully he learns from this.
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May 28 '20
Yeah I think the distance he needed was born out of absolute disbelief at realizing what his gf is actually like. Maybe he couldâve done a better job of voicing that he needs time to think about the relationship, but heâs not manipulating her, if anything sheâs manipulating him. He did talk to her about why he needed space and she freaked out on him and is now ignoring him and acting like heâs the one whoâs done wrong. Sheâs still a bully and probably a sociopath.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '20
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