r/AmItheButtface • u/Remarkable_Virus_330 • 3d ago
Serious AITBF for refusing to be involved in my ex's child's life after she hid the pregnancy from me for years?
I'm (22M), and my family thinks I'm a terrible person for refusing to be involved in a child I didn't know existed until recently.
A few years ago, my ex (22F) got pregnant and told me she wanted an abortion. Although I disagreed, I respected that it was her choice and gave her money to help pay for it.
Our relationship was already falling apart, so I ended things and told her not to base her decision on whether I stayed. I genuinely believed she'd gone through with the abortion and that we'd both moved on.
Recently, I discovered she kept the baby and raised them for years without telling me I was a father.
I'm angry and overwhelmed. My ex now wants emotional and financial support, but I never planned to have a child with her and didn't even know this child existed. I know the child isn't at fault, but I can't force myself to feel an immediate connection.
To complicate things further, my current girlfriend is pregnant, and we're preparing to raise our child together. I'm worried about the financial and emotional responsibilities ahead and don't want this situation to negatively affect my new family.
My ex has a boyfriend who's involved in the child's life. I worry that forcing myself into their lives while angry and unprepared could do more harm than good.
I've told my ex I don't want to be involved and would be willing to sign away my parental rights if possible, though I understand I may still have financial obligations.
My parents say I'm choosing one child over another and need to put my feelings aside. I understand the child deserves better, but I also feel betrayed that I was kept in the dark for years and am now expected to accept this life-changing responsibility overnight.
I'm angry at my ex, guilty about the child, and unsure whether I'm protecting my new family or avoiding a responsibility I don't want.
I'm not asking for legal advice. I just want to know if I'm a horrible person for not wanting an emotional relationship with this child and choosing to focus on the family I'm building now.
AITBF?
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u/Mysterious_Drop1122 3d ago
There is a lot to unpack here. First and foremost, I wouldn't take her word that the child is yours. You need to get DNA done. That being said, you didn't sign a birth certificate acknowledging parenthood. So start there before taking on this financial duty (if the child is yours).
You may need to have a lawyer cuz if you want to terminate your rights, I don't think you would be financially responsible but you need to ask.
I won't judge you as good or bad cuz you've been blindsided and hearing you may have a child with one on the way leads to a drastic lifestyle change. So get the DNA test and go from there.
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u/Polyamommy 3d ago
I'm not sure where you're from, but I don't believe there are a lot of places where you can terminate your own parental rights and responsibilities. If he pays for a DNA test, that will only speed up the inevitable (prove paternity so she can start the ball rolling).
This is a perfect example of why birth control is each individual's responsibility (wear a condom ALWAYS, or get a vasectomy if you don't want children). Especially since he said he never wanted children with her in the first place.
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u/Mysterious_Drop1122 3d ago
Not so sure about that. Particularly if this kid isn't his
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u/kelsmania 3d ago
If the kid isn’t his, he isn’t married to the mother, and isn’t on the birth certificate, then there are no rights to forfeit in the first place. But, once paternity is established, he can’t just terminate his rights as the father, at least with respect to his financial obligations.
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u/Mysterious_Drop1122 3d ago
I admit to not having knowledge about how that works. I do know from my personal experience my ex had a child with someone so ok. He wanted some form of visitation and she countered with back child support of over $6,000 which was a lot of money back in the day. He was kinda blindsided by that and was advised if he signed over his rights and agreed to no contact (since the boy didn't know him anyway) arrears would be forgiven. He signed and we never had to pay.
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u/PsychologicalClock28 1d ago
I get what you are saying. And I’m sure it happens. But for instance in the UK the money is for the child. And agreement like that is for the parents. The parents can’t make an agreement to take money away from the child.
What they can do is make an agreement like that, then the parent with the child agrees not to go after the other parent for any money. But that wouldn’t be binding in the UK as you can’t take rights away from your child like that
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u/Polyamommy 3d ago
Then it would be extra stupid for him to go out of his way to pay for a paternity test... right?
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u/EthylSippingBeer 3d ago
If he's not the kid's father, a paternity test fets him off yhe hook. If he is the father, then it doesn't make any difference.
Refusing a paternity test is like refusing a breathalyzer. Guilt is presumed.
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u/Polyamommy 3d ago
Who TF said anything about "refusing" a paternity test? Why do you have to create strawman arguments and move the goalpost because this commenter is giving shit advice?
She's not demanding a paternity test (at least that's not in OP's post), and the onus is on her (or the state, depending on where she's from) to go that route. In some places, if the mother or state pays for the paternity test, and it turns out he is in fact the father, then they require him to cover part of the costs. If he's not the father, he doesn't have to pay anything.
So it would be stupid for him to pay for a paternity test all on his own, when no one is asking for him to, and since it doesn't seem his name is on the birth certificate, there's no way the mother has the authority to enforce child support and visitation without proving he's the father.
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u/MommaOfManyCats 3d ago
In some states it doesn't matter if he signed the birth certificate or not. I know someone who left his ex when he found her in bed with someone else. She was pregnant, put his name down as the father, and he found out when child support came knocking. In a completely different state, a friend found out that his ex-wife had a baby, she was his, and she never told him. She had another guy down as the father, buddy went to court, DNA proved he was the daddy, and he now has a great relationship with his kid.
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u/Mysterious_Drop1122 13h ago
I believe a child conceived in the marriage is automatically considered the offspring of the married parents. Even if DNA shows the child isn't the father's, he is considered the legal father.
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u/Federal_Radish_1421 3d ago
YTBF. I really hope this is rage bait. Your feelings about your ex have absolutely nothing to do with your child. The child is innocent.
Your girlfriend’s pregnant, and that child will have a sibling whether or not you choose to involve yourself in their life. Please seek therapy before making a decision that cannot be undone, and stop having unprotected sex.
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u/Lopsided-Beach-1831 3d ago
DNA test, therapy for yourself, financial literacy and planning for you & children, parenting classes.
Yes, you should come to the child clearheaded. Right now you are making a decision based on the ex-girlfriends betrayal, not the child. The existing child is just as much a part of you as the one your girlfriend is carrying.
This is parenting. Getting over your needs and wants to do whats best for the child you created.
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u/TheFinalPhilter 3d ago edited 3d ago
Most people will probably say Y T B and Honostly I can see both sides. Especially if you just found out. I might have missed it but is there a reason she came forward now after hiding it for so long. I might be reading into it but it is pretty big coincidence that she only tells you now that your current gf is pregnant. Again these are just my thoughts off the top of my head this situation is above my pay grade. I think you need to cool down for a while and think things through me through. More often than not I hear of people’s regrets of not being in their child’s life.
Edit: already prepared for the downvotes since I asked a question which Reddit seems to hate for some reason.
Edit 2:
My ex has a boyfriend who's involved in the child's life. I worry that forcing myself into their lives while angry and unprepared could do more harm than good.
Am I the only one who thinks he has a point and he should cool off and talk to his ex? I can only imagine depending on how long she has been with this guy he may have taken a pseudo fatherly role which might even be confusing to the child more than helping him depending on his age.
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u/AlwaysJeepin 2d ago
I'm with you all the way. People automatically jump to him being a BF for not knowing if he wants to be involved with the child and say he is hurting the child. They are not actually thinking about the child they are just being self-righteous arseholes. The child does not know this man, has another man who is his father figure... Throwing another man at this child and saying HERES YOUR DADDY is not going to just be WOOHOO day for the child. He is going to be scared, shocked, hurt, overwhelmed. People are just ridiculous
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u/BernieTheDachshund 3d ago
You knew having unprotected sex causes pregnancies. As much as you wish things had gone another way, they didn't and you're a father. You're mad at all the wrong people and it won't change the fact that you do have a responsibility to that child. Just start paying child support and arrange a few visitations. You don't have to be father of the year, but you also need to realize the kid you had with your ex is just as much yours as the one you're going to have with your current girlfriend. The kids are innocent and your anger is misplaced. The buck started with you, so man up. YTB for being this angry at everyone else instead of yourself. Be a parent and quit being so negative. It's not productive and you're just sabotaging your own happiness.
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u/Spiritual_Emu_1381 3d ago
Ytbf. I’m sure it’s hard to accept but you need to find a way to do it. Also maybe find better birth control or start using some. Get a dna test and then go from there.
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u/Similar_Corner8081 3d ago
YTBF Don't you believe in condoms? I get it. I got pregnant at 21 but that's the only time I got pregnant. You're 22 have 2 kids and 2 baby mommas.
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u/katwithak82 3d ago
YTB.
You're taking your anger out on a child. Your child. Just as much your child as the one you're preparing to welcome.
You don't have to like your baby mama but you have a responsibility to that child and if she decides to take you to court, you won't have a choice but to be involved.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 3d ago
You abandoned your pregnant gf to sort it out herself. This is the consequence. If the child is yours you’ll have to pay child support but don’t be in a child’s life if you don’t want to be. The child deserves better.
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u/NextSplit2683 3d ago
NTBF. You have every right to feel angry and betrayed. The child exists. That fact is non-negotiable. It's a fact that you will pay financial support. As far as the type of relationship you have with your child, please see a therapist to help you unpack your feelings and facilitate the proper way to approach the child or not. It will not happen overnight. Good luck to you and your kids.
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u/CrazyCatLady1127 3d ago
You’re entitled to your feelings and currently you feel betrayed. That’s fine. But what’s not fine is punishing your child for the actions of their mother. Your child deserves to know you. They’ll want to know you and if they find out in a few years that you had more children that you chose to spend time with when you chose to ignore them, it’s going to devastate them. Please be there for your child.
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u/ceruveal_brooks 3d ago
You’re not a horrible person, but you need to take a pause before making any decision you may regret later. She wants financial support so most likely will take you to court, so you should also talk to a lawyer to fully understand your rights and possible outcomes.
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u/DrunkOnRedCordial 3d ago
How weird that you went from being in an intimate relationship to instantly vanishing from each other's lives so completely that you didn't even know she went through with a pregnancy and had a baby, then met someone else who is raising the baby with her. You don't have mutual friends? Your families never knew each other?
It's a bit late to be asking whether you're a horrible person for not wanting an emotional relationship with this child (yes, you are, but that's a self-solving problem, because in the long term, the kid is better off without a relationship with you). And it doesn't sound right that your ex is suddenly demanding emotional support, when she's been doing fine all this time without you, and even has another boyfriend. Financial support - sure. Your first child is entitled to that.
Sounds more like your new baby mom is spooked that you managed to ignore your first child, and is worried you'll abandon this one as well.
Get a DNA test to be 100% sure, then start paying child support. The child does not seek to exist, just because you're a deadbeat who doesn't want to pay your way.
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u/HunterGreenLeaves 3d ago
A few years ago, my ex (22F) got pregnant and told me she wanted an abortion. Although I disagreed, I respected that it was her choice and gave her money to help pay for it.
I never planned to have a child with her ...
You got someone pregnant. You didn't want her to have an abortion . She had the child. You owe child support.
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u/sarahlampi 2d ago
YTA- you have a child. You knew she was pregnant and left her. You did not follow through to make sure she truly did abort the child and keeping it was 100% her choice to make. You now have a second child with someone else, how long before you abandon that child too. Grow up!! Get a DNA test, then take care of your responsibilities. This is not about you, this is about the child you were careless enough to make and now want to abandon. If I were your current GF and read this post I would be out of your life so fast your head would spin and you would be paying support for 2 kids!
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u/SaltySweetSt 1d ago
YTB, you got her pregnant and told her not to consider your presence in the decision of whether or not to keep the baby. So she didn’t. You still made a child and are responsible for child support.
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u/MakeMuffinsNotWar 3d ago
Lot of people weighing in with explicitly unwanted legal advice. The sub and explicit question is AITBF regarding having an emotional relationship with the child.
Assuming the child is yours (paternity test), you very much WBTBF if you rejected involvement with the child you created. Kids deserve all the support they can get in this hard world.
The kid is young enough that if you begin a relationship now, s/he will likely never remember a time you were not in their life.
When you choose to have sex, you assume the associated risks and obligations.
Kid doesn't deserve to grow up knowing they were rejected, ESPECIALLY if you have a kid you DO have a relationship with.
I bet once you start spending time with the kid your parental bond will snap into place and you won't be able to imagine life without them.
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u/AlwaysJeepin 2d ago
Info: how old is the child? How does your current pregnant gf feel about the situation? Why is ex just now reaching out to you?
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u/Remarkable_Virus_330 2d ago
7-8. My GF is supportive of any decisions I will be making after I speak with the lawyer that her mother has hired for the situation. I refuse to speak with my EX as well as her boyfriend so I am not sure why I am being contacted now. With this much time passing we are all only harming that child.
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u/AlwaysJeepin 1d ago
I agree. There is a reason she is just now reaching out to you, and I don't trust those reasons. I'm glad you have your own lawyer. Never speak to her without the lawyer present. And you are 100% right... People are being ridiculous bashing you in the comments. You were blindsided by this woman with a child you were told was aborted. This child does not know you and has a different father figure. Having a "new daddy" thrown at him is not going to be a joyous occasion for him, it will be scary, overwhelming, confusing. Everything that happens from this point forward needs to be done cautiously, with the child in mind. And with cooler heads. I definitely recommend getting a therapist. This is a hard thing for you, and the people who are guilting you should be ashamed of themselves. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. In the end, once you have come to terms with all of this, maybe you will want to be a part of his life. But it needs to be a very slow process for him and you too. And I would be very very cautious with the ex. There is a reason she is reaching out to you now and I would be very suspicious of her actions..
I'm glad your gf and her family are supporting you and understanding that you were 15 yrs old at the time. Hang in there. And seriously, consider therapy. This is going to be a tough period of your life, no matter what decision. And your gf probably should be involved too, bc it will take a toll. Be strong. And stay off reddit I guess. These people are being assholes and you don't need that right now
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u/sisjanie 3d ago
She needs to take you to child support court and believe when the child gets older means you are older and if they become famous you will want to brag and have your chest out taking credit for not doing nothing.
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u/Mollylover1140 10h ago
YTA that child is blameless. If you don’t want to be a part of their life,fine. But you are financially responsible for them until they are 18.
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u/AlwaysJeepin 2d ago
YOU ARE NOT THE BUTTFACE. I definitely think you need to take a minute, take a breath, maybe talk to a therapist. This isn't like someone calling you up one day and saying Hey, you e got a new puppy you didn't know about! This is a child. You were kept out of the loop, you were basically made to think there was an abortion. You were also super young when this happened, and still are. You have every right to feel overwhelmed and have the immediate reaction that you don't want any part of this. Cooler heads prevail, and make the best decisions. Don't take any drastic steps. Take some time. Talk to the ex and ask ALL of the questions that should be asked, mainly why the fuck didn't you tell me then, and why are you telling me now. Don't be cruel to her. Be calm. Keep things cordial. Have a witness for every interaction with her. Get a lawyer and don't do anything without the lawyer.
The ex is the buttface in all of this. You are a 22 yr old with a new baby on the way and just got thrown a massive curve ball. Take a deep breath.
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u/PoutineDiamond 3d ago
NTA. In this situation, the most just decision consists of evaluating the overall impact of your choices on the well-being and stability of everyone involved. The goal should be to minimize suffering, disruption, and unnecessary chaos for each party.
Your ex-partner made a unilateral decision by lying to you about her abortion and voluntarily keeping you in the dark for years. By doing so, she has already established a family structure in which the child is growing up with her and her current partner, who acts as a father figure. Forcing your presence all of a sudden, while you are feeling anger, resentment, and a complete lack of preparation, would risk bringing a lot of instability and anxiety into this child's life, without any real benefit to their development.
Furthermore, you are about to welcome a child with your current partner. Redirecting your energy, attention, and resources toward this new home ensures a healthy, peaceful, and harmonious environment for your baby-to-be and your partner. Wanting to preserve this stability is not an act of selfishness, but a way to maximize the safety and happiness of the family you are actively building.
Even if your parents view the situation through a judgment-heavy lens, forcing a parental relationship out of guilt rarely yields a positive result. Meeting your financial obligations if required by law is a reasonable way to ensure the necessary material support, while avoiding introducing conflict or emotional turmoil into this child's life. Focus on the actions that bring the most peace and well-being to the greatest number of people.
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u/AnswerIsItDepends Buttcheek [Rank 11] 3d ago
Maybe she lied about the abortion. Maybe she is lying now. Maybe both. Step 1 is a DNA test. This could also buy OP a wee bit of time to think.
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u/Original-Swordfish69 3d ago
NTBF. Why is she reaching out now? She lied to you. She deliberately hid the pregnancy, the birth, and all the events leading up to this point. The child has a father figure in their life. So why is she reaching out now? Why wait? Get a DNA test and then go through a lawyer. You're not choosing one child over another. You're protecting your family and your peace. And your parents don't get a say in it. They're not the ones being held responsible for a kid they didn't even know about.
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u/brydeswhale 3d ago
She’s obliged to seek support. It’s for the child. Her only fault was waiting this long.
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u/PurpleAntifreeze 3d ago
She’s not obliged to do anything. She could’ve kept the secret forever if she wanted to, no legal penalty.
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u/brydeswhale 3d ago
Morally, she’s obligated, because the child is entitled to support.
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u/Original-Swordfish69 3d ago
Morally, she was also obliged to tell the father that she decided not to go through the abortion and that he had a kid running around.
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u/Original-Swordfish69 3d ago
But that doesn't answer the question as to why she waited so long? And why does she need emotional support when she has a boyfriend who's been involved in the child's life?
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u/brydeswhale 3d ago
The child is entitled to support.
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u/Original-Swordfish69 3d ago
Where did I ever say that they didn't deserve that? You need to reread what I actually said.
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u/brydeswhale 3d ago
She’s seeking support bc OP owes the kid. It has nothing to do with her.
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u/Original-Swordfish69 3d ago
It has everything to do with her. She lied. She had the pregnancy and the birth. The question is why? At this point I think that you're deliberately avoiding the question.
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u/ChampionKing100 3d ago
NTBF. The same way it was her decision to want to terminate the pregnancy is the same way it's also your decision to not want to be involved in the childs life. The child is innocent in all this but at the end of the day it is your ex's fault for this situation happening not yours, being deceitful to you and lying to you and now weaponising a child against you is genuinely insane behaviour.
Get a lawyer and protect yourself, I know it hurts a lot but best thing to do is probably not be involved in the child's life especially if she has another bf and he is slotting in as a father figure.
You're not a horrible person and anyone who is bashing you in the comments is a horrible person themselves with a lack of empathy.
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u/unimpressed-one 3d ago
You are 22 and have already gotten 2 girls pregnant, not the sharpest tool in the shed are you?