r/Anxiety • u/Visual-Fortune-4732 • 8h ago
Advice Needed 17M, autistic, suicidal thoughts getting worse. Did it get better for anyone else?
Sorry if this is the wrong place to post im not sure where to post it
as far as i know i dont have anxiety
I'm 17 and have mild autism. I'm in a program meant to help me build a routine so I can get back into school or work, but I haven't been going because I've been struggling too much.
Lately everything feels worse. I feel useless and I avoid mirrors because I hate how I look. My suicidal thoughts are getting stronger, and I often think about how and where I'd do it. Today I held a knife against my thigh and was too scared to cut.
I can laugh and switch moods in a second while feeling awful inside, so I feel like I'm faking it. I've tried therapy with different people and formats, and nothing has
helped.
I keep telling myself it doesn't count because other people have it worse, but that doesn't make the feeling go away.
I'm also scared of losing my only close friend. He's 18 and from the program. We haven't talked in a while because we've both been struggling. Texting is hard for me and I always feel like I'm bothering people.
I don't know exactly what I'm hoping for. Maybe just to not be alone with it for a minute.
If you felt like this at my age and it got better, what changed things for you?
I hate myself
1
u/cripple2493 8h ago edited 8h ago
Okay, yeah so I have ASD as well - but I'm now 33, not 17. When I was 17, I was absolutely dealing with suicidal ideation and some days still do.
That being said, it does get better. My life is absolutely better now than it was at 17, I've got a fair few qualifications, hobbies and communities. I'm generally getting by, and although therapy and meds didn't work out for me, what did work out is finding things I enjoy and focusing on doing them. So, I make video games I don't release, I train in martial arts, and I try to figure out arts academia. I'm also learning Japanese (my 3rd, arguably 4th language), and spend a lot of time watching obscure media in that language for immersion/interest's sake.
That's what makes existence somewhat bearable, doing stuff you enjoy. What changed things for me was realising that and putting it into practice as much as possible.