I feel like I'm more easily satisfied than other people. Hear and read all of those dating struggles and miscommunications and labels and conventions people cling to. I just... connect with people? Make a new friend, eventually sex comes up, they say yes or no, and we stay friends anyway. I can fuck who I want, keep in touch with who I want, keep going about life my own way, pick and choose what things I want and not want to do regardless of how society would label them. And it's not as if I sleep with all of my friends. Some I do, some I dont. And I've not had one of them grow distant or detached because of who I am and how I approach things. I guess I've also been pretty lucky and worked a bunch to it. To me sex is, a highway of emotion I guess you could say. I enjoy it. I prefer doing it if I can with someone. But if not, there is other ways of communicating that I care about someone.

Anyway, guess life's been pretty good lately :3

So this is a weird thing for me because I previously used the aroace label but it did not fit me because I was a gay man but now I am questioning if I am aro allo because idk if my definition of romance is romantic if that makes sense like I wouldn’t mind romance at all and I think I would like it but I feel like I think more sexually if that makes sense and idk I feel like there’s a chance but idk I could be wrong again I don’t know if this the place to ask but I would like some advice.

I won’t mention any names, but there is a female YouTuber who does musical analysis and reaction videos to music I like. Her warmth and personality and enthusiasm are absolutely gorgeous and feel like ‘home’. She’s decent looking enough but its really her personality that shines and if I were ‘personality attracted’ I’m sure it would do it for me. I don’t know anybody like this IRL. You could say I have a platonic crush on her. For full disclosure I’m a straight male.

If I were alloromantic, I would likely have a desire to marry her, and cuddle, and grow old together. But because I’m aromantic, I don’t.

At the same time I notice something about myself that gives me a slight sense of unease, and that is that strong platonic connecton, or the person you admire having brilliance or genius, is at best neutral or actually detracts from sexual desire.

On the one hand having a special skill or being intelligent is kinda sexy. It ‘ups your status’, although the effect is greater for men than women. On the other, it sort of takes me out of sexual desire rather than enhancing it.

Say if she were a random on a hook up app or at a get together it would be different. But if she’s ‘somebody’, like a singer or public figure or we just have strong platonic interest in each other, it’s almost as though I would rather keep my sexual energy directed at strangers or acquaintances.

To wax poetic, a female singer to me is perhaps what the ancients thought of a high priestess in a temple, sacred, spiritual and transcendent, and not of the body or its desires. To hook up with her would be just… wrong.

Turning it around, on the one hand I’d be glad for women to be into me because of any perceived charisma or intellect, but on the other I’d be just as happy for them to just see me as desirable to them in a raw, physical sense, if not more so.

I do have one example from my own life a few years ago where a friendship formed with a single mother I was providing services for in a work context. We would have long profound conversations and our platonic connection was so strong that I felt almost less rather than more inclined to take things further had she been so inclined.

Is it nature or nurture? Am I only this way because my young life was all porn and no relationships, or is it just the way I was wired from the start? I'll never know, I guess.

Does anyone else here experience something similar? I assume it affects males predominantly.

Are we incomplete, divided internally against ourselves, unable to experience transcendent love for another and ‘for whom it is reserved the blackness, of darkness, forever’, as I’m sure many in the general population would see us?

Or do you just roll with it?

Hi all, my first post. I consider myself AroAllo but its more of a best guess at this stage. The uncertainty is in how much personality or emotional connection would enhance my experience of attraction, lacking much experience I can't say for sure. I've only really had one intense crush in my life, over a decade ago, and even then it was predominantly physical. All I can say is 'there was just something about her', and it was more than just looks but I'm not sure what as I never got to know her all that well.

Maybe we set the bar low by saying aromantics just don't do romance as in traditional romantic gestures, etc.

Perhaps we're missing the point, and the essence of romantic attraction is secondary attraction. Primary physical attraction is never unique to one person and can easily be gotten form someone else, but we experience someone's personality as unique to them, and romantic attraction is about the uniqueness of the person and feelings that aren't just based on looks.

But does romantic attraction have to be exclusive, to only one person at a time? Say hypothetically, if you have a few FWBs and experience significant secondary as well as primary attraction to them to various degrees that still sounds to me like you experience romantic attraction, just expressed in a non traditional dating format.

To me, aromanticism means you only experience minimal or no secondary attraction at all, as in their looks are what makes you desire them, and not personality. Personality maybe enhances the desire, but it must rest on looks - personality is more a platonic thing.

Does anyone here experience secondary attraction to any significant degree and still consider themselves aro? Or with most of you it's 90-100% looks based attraction?

EDIT 19/10: The above post was written with an incomplete understanding of secondary attraction as it relates to demisexuality. To quote from LGBTQIA+ wiki:

'The meaning of an "emotional bond" in defining demisexuality is not necessarily a romantic one, but the word is often mistaken as meaning romance is required. Demisexuals may or may not experience romantic feelings or desire romantic relationships'. https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Demisexual

In other words an emotional bond does not necessarily imply 'being in love' with the person. All that aromantics lack is the ability to fall in love, therefore aromanticism is not incompatible with secondary attraction.

Commenters below have mentioned how important personality traits are for them when it comes to feeling sexual attraction.

Been seeing as a slut is like one of the downsides of coming out to people. "Oh you don't want to date but you want to fuck? Isn't that just being an avoidant whore?" And then you'd have to explain that there are other means you build deep connections with people outside of romance. Like sure we want sex but it doesn't have to be with a rando and it can and most times happens with someone we genuinely care about.

But I've been thinking, what's so wrong with being a whore really? Like even if I all I wanted was a no strings attached fuck relationship, as long as both parties are consenting and fully informed, what's so wrong with that? As a woman whose body and sexual autonomy is heavily policed by society, I've come to embrace the "slut" tag, see it as a way of reclaiming an insult but yeah.

Now whenever I explain and someone goes "so you just sleep around?", I'll say "yes".

"But that's like slutty"

"Yes and what is so wrong with being a slut?"

Like what's the crime in being someone who's sexually liberated and explores that outside of the confines of Amatonormativity?

I think I have a really niche orientation and it's causing me so much distress trying to parse it. What I know:

I have INTENSE limerence episodes to the point where I just want it to stop and I'll directly ask someone to reject me just so I can get over it.

During said episodes, I frame things mentally in terms of romance and I fantasize about romantic imagery with said person (marriage, dates, pillow talk, etc), but if you asked me whether I actually wanted those things I would say no for most of them.

If said person wanted such things, however, I would have a super hard time resisting even though it wasn't my first choice. If the stars aligned I could see myself eloping with someone within a month of meeting them just because they returned my intensity.

When/if my crush rejects me, I stop spiralling in limerence almost right away, but I'm left with a sad thought that I somehow misled them and caused them to believe that I wanted romance when I actually was just drawn to them. Like I feel like I ruined everything and essentially lied. And my underlying attracted feelings about them don't go away, just the romantic framing and the spiralling. I'm pretty much left with all the same feels but a completely different interpretation... "Oh I just really want to f him as a friend in a friend way" 👀💀

Whenever I catch these limerence feelings, I always want to "skip past the rejection to the good part where we can be friends". Which is...strange. And nobody ever really wants to be friends after rejecting me romantically anyway.

I really really really love PEOPLE. Wrt my peers and friends, I just want to talk to them and learn about them and kiss and have sex with all of them all of the time. I don't act on it ofc but the desire is pretty much always there. I feel like a creep for wanting so much intimacy with so many without the usual romance aspect. I think there's a good chance I experience super intense alterous attraction without romantic attraction.

When I've been in relationships I've always felt trapped even if the relationship was awesome. I'm thinking I'm polyamorous? The main upsides of a relationship for me are 1) constant sex (I think I'm hypersexual?) and 2) companionship, especially intellectual companionship. But I get sucked in and I lose myself in it and I much prefer being single.

Except when I have a crush and then I delude myself into thinking I want a 2k-years-long monogamous relationship in a beautiful castle in the clouds with a white picket fence and 80 children and ballroom dancing every night with rose petals constantly showering down 🫩🫩🫩.

I feel like I have to maintain this desire for romance just to have a chance at a fraction of whatever the hell it is that I actually want.

So yeah. I want to scream. Am I overthinking this? Who knows.

I'm guessing you guys would say no.

I may or may not have a "crush" on my friend... I guess what i mean by that is im attracted to them. I have said in the past that i'm sexually attracted to most people though and i kinda think i am.

Like i definitely was attracted to them in the beginning. I guess i kinda feel like that part became less important and now its again feeling more important?

I guess it's like. the time when i got worried about this we were talking on the phone and like expressing love for each other. And i felt a lot of love towards them. And also feelings in my genitals. Which is not uncommon for me it was just like a lot and i was like oh this is a lot and i was thinking like i really love them and i want to be close to them and touch them.

And someone else told me like it's ok to be attracted to your friends. Bc i usually am attracted to my friends and i get really upset about it and beat myself up over it and i think its starting to become an unhealthy "obsession" and i can't stop worrying about it.

But like is this just me being attracted to my friend or is this something else and should i tell them? I know for a fact they would not reciprocate. So I would err on the side of dont tell them. And i don't know if i even want a sexual relationship with them let alone a romantic one (i don't want a romantic one).

I think the people i've talked about this to don't really understand when i say i think im aromantic. And it seems like the assumption if i say that becomes well you just want this person for their body right. which i dont i do care about them a LOT.

I know, I know, love isn't just romantic necessarily, but I'm not sure if I really think of love as something universal and synonymous with intense fondness. I do believe you can be intensely fond of individuals, but this whole thing about "eternal, unconditional, invincible love" just sounds silly to me.

Maybe it's just me being aroallo, maybe it's insecure attachment or something, but the idea of someone genuinely loving you without it being obsessive and uncomfortable sounds like fiction to me. Like, straight-up. And I see so much evidence of that too; like, so many romantic couples barely even know, let alone like each other. They idealize each other to an extent where they're more in love with the idea of each other than their real selves, and as soon as one of them realizes their partner isn't who they want them to be, they resent them, and ultimately break up.

Intimacy itself is such a sensitive subject on its own; it's not really possible, in my experience, to find a genuinely close connection, which is especially hard for aroallos - eventually most people want romance or nothing; you don't wanna mate for life while barely knowing each other? BEGONE! 🙄

You're never fucking good enough as an aroallo. No one but us actually wants a genuine, close, intimate, non-romantic connection, and we're so rare we might as well not exist.

I'm sorry if this makes no sense, I'm drunk and just need to let out my thoughts.

There's this guy who is a friend of a friend and he clearly has a romantic interest in me, I can see it and all our mutual friends can see it. They know I am Aromantic but aren't telling him to leave me alone.

I am the kinda person who feels deeply disgusted and uncomfortable at the thought of someone being romantic attracted to me, and a chronic people pleaser, so I just tend to pretend to notice someone flirting with me till they confess and I can just let them down easy. The thing is I am genuinely starting to hate this guy, he let's his preconceived notions about me dictate how I should be as a person. This one time I said that I'm really chalant about things and he literally asked me to say the most chalant thing I've done, he's made me prove my interests!

It also kinda feels like my friends find his interest in me amusing and sweet, but I hate it so much, when I said all the things I dislike about him one said he's just shy and really cares about me, and another said I should give him a chance. I don't like having to disclose my identity to everyone especially because of the country I live in, yes I know queer people but there have been times I've had to explain what being Aromantic is.

Me being Aromantic is something I'm still kinda sensitive about, especially talking about my negative feelings towards people's romantic attraction to me, with the way the world is it's something that they can't comprehend. What really hurts is that my friends are queer too, but it feels like they treat my Aromance as an option. I'm sorry if this is hard to understand I'm just feeling emotional overwhelmed right now.

EDIT: Thank you to everyone who have responded to my post, I'm sorry that I'm not able to respond to everyone, I feel better after actually being heard, and thank you for all the advice 🙇🏾‍♀️🙇🏾‍♀️

Hi! I’m 26F and I identify as aroallo since… forever.

that said, I have never been this interested in someone in my whole life as I am right now. and before you think “aro poser”, hear me out, this is… really weird.

I went to a rock concert in my city (it’s a tiny countryside where everyone knows each other) and the guitarist of two of the local bands that played was really killing it. I truly was astonished by how he played and sang.

I didn’t really noticed him as a person, but… he smiled. I WAS SO CONFUSED AND EXCITED AND HORNY that I instantly said “i need to f- him. I need to be his friend and to f- him. I need us to be friends so I can f- him and still cherish the amazing artist he is.”

I’m NEW to the city. My whole family is from here but I am not. I started to investigate WHO he is bcs Im so damn curious about him. And the worst is that my WHOLE family knows him, he is like this aggregate since forever.

I don’t know how to flirt online. I’m really terrible at it. Seriously. but I followed him on Insta and asked about the band, complimented his work, he was very polite, very friendly and a few days later he found out i’m the cousin of his absolutely best friend.

The thing is, idk what’s happening bcs I feel this need to get physical with him and at the same time to befriend him, again I’m so curious about him. I have never felt this way before.

Why am I putting this out there as a shock? Because I never get interested or pursue anyone. Never have. People usually come to me. (not bragging, dont get me wrong. it’s just that I always start with friendship and the other person comes up with the attraction side of things).

I don’t know what to do nor how to approach him, nor if this is “normal”. He is 40M btw. And all brains.

I seriously need to lick that brain of his.

I know there’s already an AroAllo Discord server but I’m wondering if I’m the only one who prefers an 18+ space or would like to see more roles, features, etc?

I have experience making other servers and I’m willing to put in the work of polishing it fairly well, but first I wanted to gauge if there’s enough interest before I spend my time on it.

I’d be open to suggestions for things people would like to see so feel free to DM me!

I used to think i was aro until I started liking my friend, I was not rly into them ever but then I grew more and more fond of them until I started to want to kiss them and more, the weird part is that I don't know if that's romantic because I still feel discomfort on the label of "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" just dating in general, I want to keep being friends but being able to do that kind of stuff, and I also don't really feel that possessiveness that people who normally fall in love feel, like ok go on kiss and fuck whoever you want I just want to be able to do the same

I think that takes me out of the aro label, but I feel like I'm still in it somewhere, because I still can't relate to standard falling in love experience thing, I mean I didn't even fall in love it just grew on me, and to be honest I don't even know if that counts as falling in love because of that whole discomfort on the label and also the lack of possessiveness, and also Im really repulsed of the standard romance

All of this is really new to me and so confusing it would be so much easier if it was the standard crush that everyone have and is always shown on books, tv shows, animations etc, but it isn't and that is being hell, I hope you guys can help me on this because a lot of stuff I have been confused about my aroalloness was answered in here (shootout to that one green gay guy who was really active here and helped lots of people with even a board talking about amatonormativity and aroness)

My grammar is not that great and im sure some things are confusing so please ask me and I will answer, just please be patient with me I'm sleepy and English is not my first language

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Long story short, trying to figure out what romance is, and if I’m possibly aromantic, basically. From someone thinking too much and coming from a heteronormative, monogamous background and very confused.

So I’ve been seeing/hanging out with/“dating?” this guy for coming up on a year. I started out looking for purely casual. I try to keep some distance and not get entangled emotionally for casual. Through his doing originally, this was not the case. Trying to keep this succinct, but texting throughout the day and 1-2x a week hang outs/dates have been the norm. He is aroallo. What we have in common (besides interests and enjoyment of our time together) is we’ve mostly been forced into our prior romantic relationships (though I think for me, this is due to past trauma/commitment issues) This past year I’ve accidentally treated him as a stand in boyfriend after getting out of a long term, unhappy monogamous relationship. We both want ENM. He has another girl that he has a similar relationship with that I’m almost always totally cool with. I’m still dating and having casual hookups. We talk about these things. After a few months we agreed we both were crushing but didn’t want exclusivity nor labels.
I’ve been reading through the posts here and I cannot for the life of me understand what the difference is. Am I aro because I don’t understand? Like the only thing I chalk the difference between romance and friendship up to is that I don’t want to bang my friends. If I had a friend I wanted to fuck? Yeah, that’s romance, right? I also dont usually wanna fuck people I’m not obsessed with. However i do have platonic friends I’m “obsessed with”/have unconditional love for/want to spend all of my time with and prioritize over my other friends but I don’t want them sexually. So when I have that plus wanting someone sexually then I thought that was romance.
I feel like when I read about squishes/crushes on here, we’re all talking about the same thing just with different labels, no? What am I not getting? Like what do you all think romance is that isn’t choosing each other, being there emotionally and sexually, and having that start as a crush? Because I can’t figure it out. The ooeygooey nonsense that you see in like “romance” stuff is obviously not real and I’ve never participated in it. Is that the part that aro people don’t like? Thank you in advance for your insight! I’m so confused 😭

Am the only one? I am craving physical intimacy, not necessarily sex, but it just feels impossible without a romantic relationship. Feels kinda hopeless.

I have identified as aroace for years, but recently I’ve been a little obsessed with someone and it’s made me question my sexuality.

It’s always been very difficult to parse the difference between gender envy, aesthetic and platonic attraction, but this person I feel also these things and have imagined sexual scenarios with. I also kind of wonder and fantasise about them feeling the same, which I feel guilty about because they are in a long term relationship. I also think I’ve been in limerence before - I have thought about them and other people in the past constantly for months, largely in a platonic way.

It’s also difficult to tell how much I like the idea of a sexual relationship in general, whether I I am just touch- starved and lonely. I feel like I have internalised aphobia - I don’t feel that platonic activities are as intimate as sexual ones.

Internalised amatonormativity and insecurity is particularly affevting me I think when I talk to this person. I am so taken aback by my uncertain feelings for them that I have avoided talking to them a bit, and when I do I am somewhat passive aggressive or defensive. This is so frustrating because I know we genuinely get on, but I generally act very insecure around people I think are ‘cooler’ or ‘better’ than me, and now I’m dealing wiht the extra pressure of wondering if they can tell that I am attracted to them. I fear even more that I am romantically attracted to them, but the idea of being in a relationship is so foreign to me I don’t think I am.

I know I don’t have to come out as anything, but I feel like telling ppl about being demi would naturally make them wonder how i figured it out - which of our friends am i attracted to to know that.

I don’t want to hurt my friend and I want to be comfortable in my sexuality ☹️

Hi peeps, hope you all are doing fine.

To preface, I am a male in his early twenties who grew up as a Muslim in a South Asian country. During uni, I started reading and got exposed to philosophy, and after a whole load of internal weighing, depression, and whatnot, I came to the conclusion that maybe I am not convinced by the concept of Islam—or any other religion, for that matter.

That’s beside the point, though. After that experience, I decided to start dating, as dumb me thought maybe that could cure my loneliness or help with my depression. I met this girl online and things started. At first it was good, but then I started getting anxious about the concept of romantic stuff—like being there for them, cuddling, holding hands, and other romantic things a normal couple does. Since that was all online, I started to withdraw romantically, but I was always there when the topic was about sex. I was always horny. It has been like this for me since I was 13 or 14: always horny and usually masturbating.

In short, it started to get messy. We were fighting constantly, mostly around the topic of me not loving her enough and only being around when the topic was sex or wanting to jerk off. I understood that I am not a romantic guy and can never provide this girl the romance she needs in a relationship, so I started to back out and eventually we broke it off. It was not easy, but it was necessary.

After that experience, I was genuinely convinced that I am not capable of a normal romantic relationship and just decided to never date in my life. If my family really pressured me, I’d just do an MoC or some shit, but I can't date like a normal person because it just causes so much anxiety and mental stress. I was so confused and in real despair until recently, when I read a post where someone mentioned they were ace.

At first, due to my limited exposure, I thought it was a zodiac sign. Then I Googled it, found a page describing the whole spectrum, and when I read "aromantic allosexual," something clicked right there. It felt like my whole life up until now finally made sense. I searched for it on Reddit and found this community, and reading posts from other peeps felt like seeing myself on the other end.

I reevaluated things and realized that I kind of always only wanted sex, but I had just intuitively assumed sex required romance or some shit. Now I think I know what I really want: it's just sex for me, without any of the romantic baggage that comes with it. It feels like a huge relief after a really long time to actually figure myself out and know that I am not alone in this.

That was my backstory. I can’t remember all the details right now, but there's more to it. That said, I just want to experience what it feels like to get laid and get it over with. I think after having sex, I'd probably be bored with it tbh, and then there would be nothing left to excite me.

I live in a fairly conservative society, and on top of that, I am an ex-Muslim and now an aroallo. It feels like collecting all the bad omens there are in this society, but honestly, fuck it. I think I will continue my grind to move out and enjoy my life as an independent person.

For now, finding a similar person—or just someone who wants a casual sexual relationship—feels no less difficult than winning the lottery. Tbh, I don't feel like I am missing out on much by not dating or having sex, but something about it still feels thrilling. I just want to have sex at least once to feel what it's all really about.

So, that was my long rant. I don't know why I am posting it, but I just felt like doing it, and maybe that's a good enough reason.

PS: its not ai slop, i wrote it myself but used a llm to clear typos and do some formatting

When I was young I was actually really receptive to the idea of romance. Hugging, kissing, doing stuff together. I even had childhood crushes. (I don't know if that's even an indicator but it feels appropriate to mention here.) I really wanted a girlfriend and the idea really having someone spoke to me.

But as I got older this wanting for love just faded. It kind of slowly changed through the years. The wanting that special someone to love changed into wanting a special someone to love and have sex with. That changed into wanting someone special to have sex with. And later that changed into just wanting someone to have sex with.

I never really got the romantic attention I initially desired at that young age so perhaps that might have had something to do with it. But it just felt more and more that a relationship is just a compromise I must be willing to make to have sex. I have also never been the kind of guy that feels lonely, so the need for a partner in that regard also never really played a part.

Does anyone relate to this story of mine? Did you start out AroAllo or did it "develop" over the years?

Does anybody have advice for dating couples? It’s something that I have always wanted to do. The idea of hooking up with two people who have a very intimate connection with each other and getting to share in a small slice of that without being fully involved appeals to me so much. But it is SO scary. lol

I’m someone who hates first dates and almost backs out every time already. I appreciate that usually the girlfriend is taking the lead in situations with het couples but that also makes it even more intimidating because I’ve never hooked up with a girl either. I keep matching with girls looking for someone to hang out with with their bf and then chickening out cause I get so nervous. Like meeting up with one person is nerve racking enough, but when you throw in another person and they already have a built in support system through each other it makes me so scared.

What are some things you wish your non aroallo friends knew about being aroallo? I was looking for guidance I could share with my friends and loved ones who are well meaning but have very little understanding of what it means to be aroallo. However, most guidance I have found is specific to inclusion in aspec spaces.

I haven’t been able to find anything more targeted to a non aspec (or non queer in general) audience. I was hoping to find something more like this: https://transequality.org/resources/supporting-transgender-people-your-life-guide-being-good-ally.

I’m hoping the comments could be a makeshift version. I’m including some questions below but please feel free to include anything you think could be helpful!

What are some things you wish people understood more?

What do you wish people would stop doing/saying with regards to your aroallo identity?

What do you wish they would do more?

What actions/behaviors make you feel supported in your identity?

Are there questions you wish people would stop or start asking regarding your identity?

How do you wish to be described (if at all) if they are explaining your identity to somebody else?

I (M) have not really dated since I've come to terms with being aro. I'm still trying to figure out where on the spectrum I am, my romantic attraction is extremely low, almost non existent, but I still want a relationship.

Recently my husband (M) developed a massive crush on his friend (NB), and they came over for a movie night. Throughout the whole night (they stayed for 11 hours), me and that friend started cuddling and now I think I'm crushing on them too.

Not even think, I am. I got butterflies at one point while we were cuddling, I fell asleep on them, and now I can't stop thinking about them.

The three of us are gonna talk tomorrow about what we all want, and I'm realizing I have no clue what I want. My husband was supposed to just be a FWB situation, and obviously things got more serious than that. In the past I always just dated people because that's what I thought I was supposed to do, and I just went along with whatever my partners wanted.

How am I supposed to know what I want? I want to just, exist with them, but it doesn't feel fair to not have a better answer than that. My husband is AlloAce, so it's not like this conversation is gonna be a normal one anyways, I don't know I'm just freaking out.