r/AskGaybrosOver30 • u/Sharp_Cut_3189 30-34 • 2d ago
Feeling like doomsday is coming
How to know when it’s time to let go and move on? How to move on?
Here’s my story in short if you’re interested in the read, I. E. My dilemma of a life. I (30m) have been with my partner (32m) for almost 11 years. He’s been closeted the entire time, all throughout the years of living separately, to living together, to living separately again (reasons are always he worked for his parents, he lived with his parents, he can’t lose them) meanwhile I’ve sacrificed my youth and life for fractions of “borrowed” time with him. It’s been a HARD relationship the past few years especially. Time together ranges from 3 weeks to once a month. No phone calls. Only texts. No sex. No romance. I’ve tried but have always been met with resistance (always a reason like being tired, not in the mood, maybe later - which never happens)
I live alone. I’m lonely. I’m loyal and faithful and go to work and go home and sit there by myself. I want a life with someone. I yearn for that. I’ve put in so much time and energy into this. I don’t want to lose this, yet, ironically, I don’t know how to do this anymore. I worry that this is what all relationships lead to, resentment and lonely, lies, unfaithfulness, distance. I worry this is the only future I’ll have and so it’s stay with the thing ya know, orrrr risk it all and find something worse - especially for a gay man who would like a monogamous life with someone. -
Theres more to the story, I’m not perfect, I fuck up, I’ve hurt him, I didn’t know who i was when I was younger, I clung to unhealthy people because that’s what I knew. He showed me that there were people who weren’t like that. I fell in love HARD, and probably suffocated him with too much of my love and affection. I’m not the same 19 year old anymore. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve gone through a lot. I want more. But time has twisted our lives and we’ve lived separately for 5 years and each year he promises THIS IS THE YEAR, then it never is and I’m back to being alone and waiting.
Again, there’s more to the story but this is where I’ll leave it. Thanks for listening to the rant. Just getting to a point where the loneliness is turning into a dark road, and I don’t know where to go from here.
(Sleep token - gethsemane - is the that fits how I feel)
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u/Charlie-In-The-Box 60-64 2d ago
You can end this and not lose anything of value.
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u/nikrimskyyyy 35-39 1d ago
Exactly. I keep trying to find the “but otherwise it’s great…” and I’m grasping at straws. Time to pack it in
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u/TheBattleFaze 30-34 2d ago
Regardless of who hurt who, the foundation of this relationship is not a positive one. You need to move the fuck on from this relationship. Pardon my french but you need a direct notice.
This isn't even really a relationship, is it? And I'm sure you know how much of a terrible situation this is. And at the very worst case, even if you think all relationships will lead to this, being single sounds like heaven comparatively.
The funny thing is, in time, as you simmer in a life of being single, you won't keep believing that all relationships evolve into whatever you have now.
In all cases I see a win-win scenario for you if you leave, so do that. Being in a relationship isn't some sort of "I'm doing life right and have something to show for it" trophy. Show that by being the you that you want to be, working on yourself, being healthy.
Good luck.
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u/EddieRyanDC 65-69 2d ago
For all practical purposes, you are "the other woman". He has his family and his life and his reputation, and you are this secret piece on the side he keeps away from everyone. He promises that he is going to leave his current life and bring you out into the open... but it never happens.
And why should it? The status quo suites him just fine. You twist your life into a pretzel to accommodate him, and he sacrifices nothing. He has his respectable life and his lover.
But he isn't really the problem here. At least as far as you are concerned. Because you could change this any time you wanted to. The problem is that you won't walk away and make the life you want to have.
If this is the most he can give, well, that is his limitation. Are you waiting for him to change? You will be waiting a long time. and him changing is outside of your control. What is inside your control is your ability to change yourself. You are not a victim here. You are getting the life you are choosing.
Everybody makes mistakes. The point is to learn from them and do something different. It's time to start your life, pursuing your interests, and finding your own friends. Your boyfriend is a great guy, who is just not available for an actual relationship right now. Wish him well, but it's time to move on.
Maybe take a vacation. Pack your bags and get out and do something you have always wanted to do. Get away and get some perspective. See new things and meet some new people.
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u/Brian_Kinney 50-54 2d ago
I don’t want to lose this
Why not? Seriously: Why don't you want to lose this "relationship" you've just written a post to complain about?
You've told us you don't spend time with him, you don't have sex with him, you resent him, and you're lonely. Which of those things don't you want to lose?
I think this comes down to familiarity and comfort, versus the unknown and fear. You know this man. He's familiar. He's been in your life for the past decade. He's familiar and comfortable. If you cut him loose, you'll be single for basically the first time in your adult life. That's unfamiliar and scary.
So: What, exactly, don't you want to lose? What's holding you back from a happier life?
Because you've given him all the second chances he could possibly want, to make things better. Like you say, over the past 11 years, you've tried all different combinations and situations, and nothing's working for you.
You're unhappy, and rightly so. But you're afraid to let go. Why?
This reminds me of a friend of mine, back in the day. He was in a relationship with a man who literally hit him, regularly and repeatedly. He wanted to leave, but wouldn't. I asked him why not. He told me he was too afraid of being single and alone.
Is that you?
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u/Gay_Okie 60-64 2d ago
Let’s remove the dysfunctional relationship from the equation.
Why are you coming home and sitting around by yourself? No one is forcing you to be isolated. That’s not on him, that’s on you.
Join clubs. Walk in the park. Get a dog. Volunteer at the Humane Society. Volunteer for any organization. Gay sports leagues. Eat out with friends.
Any of these things might make the relationship more palatable but ultimately you have to decide. He’s already decided; his family comes first. And his family doesn’t include you.
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u/Reptyle216 40-44 2d ago
Jesus F. Christ what the hell were you getting out of this relationship in the first place? I would MUCH rather be lonely than with a guy who plays those kinds of games.
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u/RWesc 40-44 2d ago
Together once a month. No calls. No texts. No sex. When you read that what kind of relationship does it sound like? None. Today is a new day. Get out of the house. To have friends you need to be a friend.
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u/Sharp_Cut_3189 30-34 1d ago
You’re telling me that calling your partner and asking how their day was is something people really do?! Or a partner who only fucks one person and isn’t leaving my house to go talk to someone else is a possibility?! Hahah!
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u/SonOfABeach_ 30-34 1d ago
…this isn’t a relationship in the slightest. You are operating on borrowed time and the debt has finally come due. To stay together you must cut off one pound of flesh. Not like literally but metaphorically. You must compromise the fundamental aspects of what you want or need and you have to bear this weight entirely alone in order to stay together. The person you were is not the person you have become and it seems like this is just him. But you have to ask yourself “is this enough for me” or have I already cut off too much of my flesh to make this relationship work. Only you can decide but this wouldn’t be enough for me. It wouldn’t be a relationship that I would want. And yeah, 11 years is a long time. But you have SO much life left to live and I wouldn’t want to spend it sneaking around in hushed rooms, relegated to being a phantom in your own life and relationship.
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u/Sharp_Cut_3189 30-34 1d ago
You’re 100% it definitely feels like borrowed time which is probably why I keep getting the feeling of doomsday.
I had a long conversation with myself the other night and I know I don’t want a relationship like this. Just hard to say goodbye to someone who’s been in my life for so long. Even if there were many days I felt more single than anything, it was still a constant. But I need a partner who won’t reject every kiss or hug or touch, or rejections of time and spending it together.
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u/SonOfABeach_ 30-34 1d ago
Well, sounds like you’ve made your mind up. Breakups don’t have to be bad, you can still remain friends! What they don’t tell you about breakups where the relationships just fizzle out is that a tiny part of you will always still love them. But not necessarily romantically and that doesn’t mean you will always be IN love with them. But you will occasionally look back and be reminded of something and smile because they actually meant something to you. Like a former great friend that you just lose touch with due to time and circumstances. Don’t wish him ill-will but just move on with ALL the things you have learned about yourself and what you need out of your next relationship. Don’t think of it as losing all the time you invested into the relationship but look at it as all the time you invested into yourself. Realistically, you had to learn these lessons to learn more about what you like and don’t like, what you need and no longer value.
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u/spacedogg1979 45-49 2d ago
I’m sorry you’re feeling so alone. That’s a terrible feeling, especially if you have a partner who should be there for.
It sounds like this relationship no longer serves your needs and has run its course. There’s no shame in recognizing when you’ve reached your limits.
You owe this man nothing beyond the dignity and respect he’s offered. Or lack thereof.
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u/Dogtorted 50-54 1d ago
You’re in a cage that you’ve built yourself.
You’re actively choosing to be lonely and in a terrible relationship.
It’s not a HARD relationship. It barely qualifies as a relationship.
You can leave at any time. The time to let go and move on was years ago.
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u/Sharp_Cut_3189 30-34 1d ago
Not disagreeing with you. I have a hard time of letting people go. As for the relationship, you’re absolutely right. Told him many times it doesn’t and that I just feel like a friend. Things change for a minute to how I’m wanting a life to be with him, then comfort, life, whatever, sets back in and we are right back to the same dilemma.
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u/Dogtorted 50-54 1d ago
It’s not even a good friendship.
You’re his dirty little secret. Nothing about your relationship is the slightest bit healthy.
I can understand being in a relationship like this when you’re 19 and don’t know any better, but it sounds like you know what you want now….and this isn’t it.
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u/Sharp_Cut_3189 30-34 1d ago
Yea I think my struggle now is the hump that I can’t get over. Like I know it serves me no purpose but why am I not allowing myself to let go is my issue
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u/Dogtorted 50-54 1d ago
Therapy might help you let go, or even just talking to a close friend whose opinion you respect.
I think you’re just in too deep. You’re focusing so much on trying to tread water that you’re missing the fact that you can just pull the plug and drain the pool.
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u/marvinlbrown 1d ago
Gurl, please move on. You have one life and you're currently committing it to someone that would rather give their commitment to their "conditionally" loving parents... he can't even come out to them. Therapy would be a great benefit.
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2d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/AskGaybrosOver30-ModTeam 1d ago
Overly sarcastic, hyperbolic and/or insincere contributions may be removed (which is what happened with the comment above in this case).
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u/Still_Breadfruit_732 55-59 2d ago
This stuck out to me “I want a life with someone.” You don’t have that now and, based on the last 11 years of his behaviour, you will never have that with him.
You say “I don’t want to lose this” but the “this” you describe is incredibly lonely, by your own judgement.
You already know what to do. That’s why you’re here. What’s the worst that will happen if you break up? You’ll sit alone at home? You already do that.
And despite how you’re feeling, maybe it’s not doomsday you’re feeling. Maybe it’s independence day.
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u/Loecdances 35-39 1d ago
It’s time. You get one chance on this earth. Why would you waste it being somebody’s secret? The man doesn’t even fuck you. Gtfo, what is he for?
Your history doesn’t get to hold you hostage. That was then. Move on!
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u/Sharp_Cut_3189 30-34 1d ago
And it sucks cause I’m a pretty physical, and sexual person so the past 6 years of being told a constant no, def has messed with my psyche and wether I’m attractive or not, and if anyone would ever even want me. I guess it’s more of just a friendship what he and I have at this point - since I’m out of those as well haha!
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u/Loecdances 35-39 1d ago
Fair enough! But you know what, somebody definitely wants you. And why shouldn’t you get to feel desired? Nah man, it’s sunk cost fallacy. Even if nobody ever wanted you, at least alone you’d have peace of mind without that noise!
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u/Skill-Useful 40-44 1d ago
"Theres more to the story" irrelevant. break up, move on. the time is no
" I clung to unhealthy people" he is unhealthy as well, maybe differently but he is still
move on
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u/atticus2132000 45-49 1d ago
You are continuing in the relationship out of fear. You're scared that whatever is out there in the single world is worst than what you're already experiencing. At least what you're experiencing is known and understood, but whatever is out there is terrifying. So, you're staying in this relationship out of fear. There will come a day when you are finally less afraid of the big scary unknown world than continuing on the path that you're on. When that day happens, you will finally make the choice. If you're not there yet, that's okay. It will come eventually.
As to the relationship, don't date guys who are closeted. His being closeted has nothing to do with you. It's between him and his parents. However, when you choose to date someone closeted, it's hard not to make that about you. And I suspect this plays into the whole fear thing stated above. You have fallen into this trap of connecting your worth to his choice of staying closeted. "If he loved me more, then he would come out to his parents." "He would come out if he wasn't so ashamed of me." After eleven years of that kind of narrative playing over and over in your head, yeah of course your psyche has taken a hit. Perhaps you've even started believing that this relationship is what you deserve and that some other guy who is out and proud would never settle for someone who is so damaged now.
Again, you're staying in this relationship now out of fear. Comments in your post like "sacrificed my youth" are reinforcing this narrative that staying in this bad situation is still better than the big scary single world out there. Is giving up this relationship, even when you know it's bad, less scary than facing the future ahead possibly never having a relationship?
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u/Sharp_Cut_3189 30-34 1d ago
Definitely NEVER dating another closeted guy again that’s for sure. I always believed the whole, “you’re dating them, not their family” and while that’s true, I’ve learned that family is at their center - even if they don’t claim or want that - then yea, you’re dating their family too. You’re completely right though, it is fear. I mean I do love the guy, we have had some really magical moments, it’s just becoming one of those “are the rare moments better than the whole of nothing.” Thank you for your feedback.
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u/darkedged1 40-44 1d ago
Regardless if you're dating a closeted person, if they have a family they're close with and they lack healthy boundaries, you'll be dating their family too.
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u/Revan462222 35-39 1d ago
I'm sorry OP but this relationship is already over. It's clear you've checked out and he just can't even try.
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u/D3ATHSQUAD 50-54 1d ago
You're not in a relationship. You're a Pen Pal.
Set a date, tell him you are moving on and stand your ground and don't look back. Chances are he will continue to make promises, etc... but they are there to just string you along.
Close this door and move on with your life.
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u/ChrisEWC231 65-69 21h ago
I've said my piece elsewhere, but I honestly wouldn't even contact him.
Move on. If he ever does contact you, just tell him that the "situation" (it's not a relationship) is over and you've moved on. That's a whole sentence.
Nothing else needs to be said. Drop him and move on. 32 is young. There are many nice people out there. Go meet them.
Look forward, not back.
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u/Mark_M_in_SF 60-64 1d ago
Just move on. This is no kind of relationship if he puts his parents' comfort above you.
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u/Sharp_Cut_3189 30-34 1d ago
Agreed. I use to think there was some admiration for how dedicated and loyal he was to them… just after 11 years of doing everything I possibly could for him, and his parents calling on a weekend we were supposed to spend together, saying they were having a holiday party and that they “needed” him to be there meanwhile when I was in the hospital really sick he couldn’t be there because they needed him more… the admiration fell
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u/harmjr77018 45-49 1d ago
Please go and experience your live. You Bo is going to show up with his wife and toddler some day.
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u/ChrisEWC231 65-69 21h ago
I'm sorry I can't think of any other way to day this, but you have no relationship here. None. Zero.
Maybe he's a guy you had sex with a few times. Maybe he's a guy you've gotten feelings for tangled up with.
But he doesn't keep promises to you. He loves his secrecy and closet more than he loves a healthy happy relationship. He's excessively selfish and objectively cruel. Sorry, not sorry.
Many people say "people are too quick to say 'Break it off' on Reddit," but I'm telling you something:
I've been around the block a few times. There's nothing good going to come of this. 11 freaking years? Much, much too much time wasted.
Make a clean break. If you need help, get some therapy for a few weeks to get some self-respect built up.
Then make a clean break. Meet new people. Be openly who YOU want to be. Find happiness the way YOU want happiness.
This situation is just over, if it ever really did start.
Look forward. Don't look back. Don't fuss over "lost time." You're only 32. Go live life! Look forward to happiness and real love.
Big hugs and best wishes.
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u/CuddlyTherapeuticDad 60-64 16h ago
The answer to your question is, “When you let go, when you move on.” That’s how you know it’s the right time.
To put a finer point on it, you change when the pain of staying where you are exceeds the pain of changing.
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u/Houses_on_the_wing 2d ago
It's time for you to leave him and find someone you can truly entrust your life to.
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u/HorseLawyer420 35-39 2d ago
Doomsday is an apt metaphor. You know the life you're living right now is facing its inevitable end. You will suffer through the pain of a breakup. But you will finally be free to pursue a life that can give you romantic fulfillment.
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u/mypornuserid 55-59 2d ago
You already know what you want to do. Now you have to push yourself to do it. If you don't, I think nothing will change.
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u/yeahyoubored 30-34 2d ago
I’m sorry but this isn’t a real relationship.
It’s loneliness and resentment.
If you can’t walk in the sun with your partner, literally out and about, then it isn’t real.
A relationship in the shadows is no relationship at all.