r/AskReddit • u/BuildWithPurpose • 4h ago
What is the sign that shows someone has a hard life?
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u/BlueBerryShocker 4h ago
When they are hyper aware of everything going on around them. They're super sensitive to how others feel. They don't trust easily, and have become disassociated with a lot of life.
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u/BlueHeisen 3h ago
That sounds more like anxiety
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u/ChristinaECB 3h ago
Two things can be true at once. Anxiety can be a symptom of trauma
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u/gasstationsushi80 43m ago
PTSD is literally classed as an anxiety disorder, interestingly; it’s the most extreme type!
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u/PM_ME_FLOUR_TITTIES 3h ago edited 1h ago
Which could be caused by....?
Edit: the answer is a hard life. To u/ChristinaECB who replied that I'm playing games with my response and said that anxiety is caused by assholes inflicting harm on others and then blocked me. Im not, and you're an idiot. That can CAUSE PEOPLE TO HAVE A HARD LIFE. Especially when done to someone in developmental years. Those can go hand in hand.
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u/Padhome 4h ago
Hyper-vigilance, constantly monitoring the room, being aware of other people with a lot of empathy but still suspicious and never fully trusting. Always afraid to get hurt again, but loves obsessively when they feel like it’s worth it.
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u/GuZz91 3h ago
Totally this, it resonates a lot to my experience. My recent ex was exactly like this and she has a difficult life with multiple family issues, subpar and stressful job with low income and a bit socially retired…
I loved her but the hyper-vigilance along with underlying trust issue was too much to bear in the long run. I had to exit this relationship, I hope she’ll get better.
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u/Padhome 57m ago edited 50m ago
I suffer from it too but I’ve been getting a lot better about it. It’s been very important to me to understand that my trauma isn’t the end all of who I am, and that I am responsible too for how it affects other people and my relationships. It’s a fucking uphill battle all the time but I keep getting somewhere better, even if it’s just by a few feet, and I’ve been really learning how I can be of better service to others as a result.
My emotional maturity has gotten stupid good, and while I struggle a lot too with being proud of myself, that’s been getting better and I’ve found so much more value in the little successes. I’ve come a long ass way from being 14 and thinking I’d be dead before 40, I know my past isn’t my fault, but how I choose to react to it and my happiness is incumbent on the work I’m willing to put in. Help and empathy from others helps a lot with that, but it is still up to me to treat my illness with the right kind of medicine.
First step to fixing toxic behavior is to become aware of it, next is doing the hard work of reconfiguring how you want to be treated and how you treat others, and seeing what relationships or lifestyles are actually compatible with that reality. There’s a lot of old habits and attachments that need to be broken before you can put yourself back together, the the freedom you get makes it so, so worth it.
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u/Ov3rbyte719 4h ago
They self isolate. They don't talk to too many people. They enjoy little things that might not matter too much to other people. They people please because they value friendships and relationships and have probably lost friends they wish they didn't.
Basically me, but I've seen so much worse so I keep moving.
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u/CosmicHamsterBoo 3h ago
This is me lmao. Add me not worried about my birthdays and stuff. My wife asked why I dont seem to care for my own birthday and I said there were so manu things we worried about growing up and birthdays seemed trivial. I celebrate it now but still mainly not for me but for my wife and kid.
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u/ZealousidealCrow7523 3h ago
A stranger on Reddit has just summed me up in 4 lines. Wow. Just wow!!
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u/TheBlazingHeretic666 4h ago
They tend to downplay a lot of their past and current struggles.
A lot of people who haven’t will use it to their advantage for a victim mentality.
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u/Shinyblueghost 4h ago
Agreed, those with the hardest know that complaining or attention won’t help ease the pain/loss/dismay/grief/fear-and they don’t have the energy either way
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u/HeatOfTheMomentX 3h ago
They never ask for anything, even when they need it
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u/SillyGayBoy 57m ago
There are times I should have asked for help way, way earlier, but I think some of us have a hard time speaking up, and some of us are used to people not listening even when we do, so why ask? I handle things differently now.
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u/CrazyComicBookGirl 4h ago
I think one sign that someone has had a hard life is when they always try to stay strong, even when they're hurting inside.
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u/buffypatrolsbonnaroo 3h ago
“Just because I learned to carry the weight with grace doesn’t mean it feels less heavy.”
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u/Evening_Cry1376 3h ago
Exceedingly good at staying calm when handling hard situations. Bonus if they, in contrast, tend to break down over small stuff.
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u/Lurkesalot 37m ago
That’s the straw that breaks the camels back. We constantly hold it together all the time till our damn shoelace breaks on the only pair of boots we’ve got with nine hours left and just enough money to feed ourselves today and 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
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u/normalice0 4h ago
Empathy
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u/Furd_Terguson1 3h ago
I’ve also met tons of people who’ve had hard lives who are heartless assholes.
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u/Thatfrenchbish 2h ago
I feel like people either turn their hardships into a “woe is me” pity party or let those traumas shape them into a victor vs. a victim.
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u/normalice0 2h ago edited 1h ago
such people tend to create their own problems, make their own life harder than it needs to be. Not that they necessarily started on equal footing or that they ever really had a chance, but the normal reaction to hard times to try to understand them - and understanding a situation isn't so many degrees of separation from understanding a person.
although, it is true that with an adequate understanding of one's situation some people will find there simply isn't a way out, and so their best option is join the rat race with the intention of winning it. That happens, perhaps it is even common. But I don't think it is as common as those who have better options but simply don't want to consider them because they would require self control and that is simply out of the question.
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u/Thatfrenchbish 2h ago
I have a sweet metaphorical real life experience that showed me this. I’ve been clean from heroin 5 years but there was a point I was homeless and panhandling down in south Florida.
Something I noticed after a while is that MOST of the vehicle passerbys that did help me out, were riding in basic, affordable or beat down cars. People that had the lux newer cars barely looked my way. As if they had never known “the struggle” in life
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u/Comfortable-Fish-736 1h ago
Exactly, people who’ve faced struggles often notice pain in others that most people overlook.
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u/Tough_Wear_5839 4h ago
They dont have "friends" and are socially uncomfortable. Also they dont trust anyone are somewhat paranoid as a defense mechanism.
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u/boondoxDMdevil 4h ago
I feel called out
I have 1 friend, many people I associate with at work, don't like talking most times and don't trust when someone says something nice, I try to find the barbed edge to the joke or backhand to the compliment.
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u/coldBulbasaur314 51m ago
Or on the flip side, some people are overly trusting or will tell others their backstory and current deep problems very quickly since they're desperate to feel listened to or connected to others.
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u/Alone_Somewhere_9358 4h ago edited 3h ago
A lot of people with trauma internalize blame, to a debilitating or painful degree. On the other hand, people who have similar levels of trauma (but different temperaments or specific life experiences/different roles within the family or reactions to said roles) might externalize blame more than average. Nobody is the same, of course, but these are two outcomes that happen a lot.
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u/Ear_Enthusiast 4h ago edited 4h ago
I had a rough childhood. Abusive mother and two brothers with sociopathic tendencies. I can't sit or stand with my back to a room. I have to be facing the room with my back to a wall. I also don't trust anyone not to steal from me. I will never leave my wallet or keys in an unsecure place.
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u/Vectactular 4h ago
I do the same but not because im scared of thieves, but because i just dont trust anyone to not do something to me
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u/Kimmer37 4h ago
Strange food habits. Eating quickly, hoarding food, never throwing food away.
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u/benwyattswaffles 4h ago
Genuine kindness. I give what I want to receive. This doesn’t apply for all kind people, of course. But it definitely can.
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u/The_Owlets_Nest 3h ago
Kindness. They don't want anybody else to feel as alone, frightened, hopeless, or angry as they have-- so they make it a point to harbor, to encourage, to commiserate, to love.
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u/Altruistic_Cow_8422 1h ago
Trauma responses to ordinary stimuli. Flinching at sudden/loud noises, "paranoid" behavior like being very cautious of their surroundings, refusing to waste/throw away edible food, being overly apologetic or, conversely, reacting with overly aggressive emotional responses for the situation.
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u/engineeringandmusic 1h ago
Your comment was hidden but it was the best one I’ve seen so far.
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u/RefreshingVibez 4h ago
Maybe dark bags under their eyes.
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u/AttorneyDense3669 4h ago
People have been making fun of me throughout my life because I look « tired ». Yes, I am. Thank you for reminding me, I tend to forget…
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u/Padhome 4h ago
I can get a full nights rest and still have these dark fuckin pits under my eyes. Is this a symptom of depression or something?
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u/Hour_Barracuda_1567 3h ago
People can be genetically predisposed to things like dark circles under their eyes, or hair or eye color, and so on. A friend of mine has them, and all her siblings and dad do as well.
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u/darthmom 2h ago
I have them. So did my mother. I noticed them on my grandson when he was two years old
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u/AP_professional 4h ago
Probably vitamin deficiency or lack of nutrients.
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u/Crazy_Cat_7 4h ago
I think one sign that someone has had a hard life is when they’re always there for others but rarely ask for help themselves.
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u/thunerstormstriccl 4h ago
They apologize for things that aren't their fault.
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u/adumpsterfire13 4h ago
Can confirm and it’s a really hard habit to break once things get better too.
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u/HeartonSleeve1989 4h ago
They have a lot of empathy.
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u/dougiebgood 2h ago
I've seen just the opposite in certain cases. I can remember my boss's boss going through hell, having an adult daughter that was recently paralyzed in an accident and a spouse who couldn't work.
She started taking things out on her employees, first firing or threatening to fire the youngest and lowest ranking employees, often sending them home in tears. It escalated to forcing her higher-up reports to do things that could put their own jobs in jeopardy, that's when HR finally got involved.
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u/chaotichalfginger 3h ago
I know a lot of people assume drugs due to the stereotype but bad teeth is a sign also. Not everyone had two parents or any parents or anyone who could afford a dentist growing up and you end up with messed up teeth because it costs a fortune for dentist work. Also looking like you wear the same clothes all the time, because they just might not have any other clothes to wear.
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u/Muted_Negotiation613 1h ago
They're the calmest person in the emergency and the most anxious person in the quiet.
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u/Skip_My_Killcam 2h ago
When someone has been through a lot but still finds a way to smile, stays kind to others, and rarely asks for help. They’ve learned to carry their pain quietly because life taught them not everyone will understand what they’re going through
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u/peachjulietti 1h ago
They’re always prepared for the worst because life taught them that things can go wrong at any moment. They struggle to relax, have trouble trusting people, and often feel guilty for asking for help. Sometimes the strongest-looking people are just the ones who never had the luxury of falling apart.
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u/buffypatrolsbonnaroo 3h ago
My ex said he knew a couple months into dating; I said I wasn’t going to be the kind of parent who would scream at their kids for spilling milk.
I was aware enough to recognize that wasn’t right; but it was so normalized to me that I didn’t realize that it wasn’t everyone’s normal.
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u/Outofmana1 4h ago
Lost in thought or more than normal day dreams.
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u/FredHerberts_Plant 4h ago
Daydream
I fell asleep amid the flowers
For a couple of hours
On a beautiful day...
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u/EgoistHedonist 2h ago
They seem to always be optimistic, have strong empathy towards others and have the funniest jokes. Yes, this is how it sometimes manifests when you've gone through hell.
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u/SillyGayBoy 54m ago
A couple people I know just seem super independent. They are friendly but in a way that seems unique to people who have had hard lives. Raised by bad people, had horrible traumatic experiences, there is an element of seriousness to them but also directness and loyalty.
Maybe not a lot of smiling or talking about fun experiences but not bad people. There's something about them that just hits different.
And I'm so sorry my one friend was adopted by such a piece of crap, that abandoned her when she came out as gay, but she has become so great after that and I am happy about that. I hate that anyone would have to deal with that. I hate that she had to be homeless at 16.
But she is a direct and honest person. She will say when she is not comfortable doing something, not say she is and then wait and blow up, like some might.
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u/Lurkesalot 49m ago
This is me from what I’m told. I didn’t really think it was a thing until a few people pointed out how direct I am. I just cut right to the point and set a firm boundary right off the bat. Or, if something’s starting to bother me, there’s a conversation right away about it and a decision fairly quick.
I guess it’s a defense mechanism but I always just thought that’s how adults are supposed to communicate until people pointed it out. Then again, I’ve never had a role model or mentor or any stable environment to learn from.
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u/SillyGayBoy 29m ago
I have had to learn as an autistic person, that especially when we say no, or when we are telling someone to quit doing something, there are ways to break it to them gently.
It took me a long time to figure it out. To me I wasn't blunt, just... speaking. But others didn't see it that way.
Some of us can soften our approach quite a bit, and say it in smaller parts, and pause. Especially when we are young we don't realize that stuff we say sounds bad.
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u/Lurkesalot 26m ago
I’m on the spectrum as well. I’ve definitely learned to be less “blunt” I guess. I was talking more about the willingness to set a boundary before it becomes a problem at all. Like, isn’t that what adults do? And, clearly, the answer is no. 😆
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u/SillyGayBoy 24m ago
Yeah that part is weird to me too. I'm in the midwest and you wouldn't believe how many people lie their ass off because it's "polite" to the point that it's more and more confusing what they are trying to say. Sometimes a polite business lie is important but people go way too far with it sometimes.
It's tough though, not always knowing how to navigate, and growing up "no" just meant people would push until they got their way, in my family. I have learned to be firm and tell people that I don't want to be asked again. Some situations call for it.
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u/Lurkesalot 15m ago
Exactly! This just happened to me recently with a friend from the Midwest. I did something that was obviously bothering him cause his actions showed it. No one can really hide something 100% from someone they’ve know long enough.
Never brought it up out of “respect” until I finally said “did I do something to you?” And, lo and behold, it was something super minor that could have been fixed WAY before I needed to address the matter. And now the friendship will never be the same and is probably over.
It’s like, how is it a sign of respect to let someone wonder what they did wrong? It’s so, so, much simpler to address things early.
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u/TTUEngineer_91 2h ago
Hypervigilant - constantly monitoring people. Excellent at pattern recognition(words vs actions). Hyperindependent. Difficulty with accepting any and all help. Immovable boundaries. Highly empathetic. Willingness to help others. Unshaken by most tragedies/problems.
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u/BermanIsKing 4h ago
Constant fidgeting, squirming, pacing. That is hyperactivety, and that means that the person is struggling with maintaining peace within, often because of ADHD, (c)PTSD, or other stress.
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u/sarwarnouri 3h ago
Being skilled or being able to do so many things
i know it could mean a lot of things, one of them is just that u were poor and couldn't pay for plumer, electrician or just when one of ur stuff broke u just didn't have the money to pay someone to fix it and learning the skill to do it urself was the easier option
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u/Chantel_Lusciana 2h ago edited 37m ago
For me (as I have a pretty extensive complex trauma history) I’ve been told anyway is:
-Apologizing for things out of my control or things I have not done
-Inability to be alone with my thoughts. I have to always be doing something.
-Extreme and exaggerated startle reflex (hypervigilance) to seemingly nothing at all (someone could just walk by me or a sudden small sound will send me out of my skin)
-Staring into space/dissociation/forgetting where I am/who I am/who others are/what year it is
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u/freefaller3 4h ago
They’re usually quiet. Don’t get too personal with strangers. Respectful yet very short with people.
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u/Jazzlike-Phrase84 2h ago
sometimes they just try to do the best for others because they gave up on themselves
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u/DoubleL278 2h ago
In some poetic way, those who miraculously still find a way to mention their dream/vision even after years.
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u/Pale-Jelly5491 2h ago
A thing i noticed about myself,my wife is usually happy and smiling just because. I asked her a bunch of times why are you smiling or why are you so happy when we're not doing barelly anything. She said i might have a problem because i can't understand that people can be happy just because.
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u/tasselledwobbegong1 4h ago
In San Francisco there’s people living in boats because they can’t afford $3,800 rent. Local officials are making them leave. Imagine that, being told you can’t live in your boat because your out in the ocean and not paying rent/morage fees. That’s a sign the local government in San Francisco is making peoples life hard.
https://x.com/wallstreetapes/status/2110791668039561453?s=46
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u/RuffNdTumble 3h ago
They can seem overly kind, caring or thoughtful even though it's completely genuine. Yet they have difficulty accepting any good themselves. They can also be as cold as ice without malicious intent.
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u/SparkButterfly96 2h ago
i feel like a lot of anxious people have that look in their eyes, like they're carrying the weight of the world. it’s tough.
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u/browatthefuck 4h ago
In women, gaunt cheeks and a receding hairline.
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u/amigosparasiempre 3h ago
En hombres, una retracción del pito y menos pelo en los bajos
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u/briseis_wildwood 3h ago
When someone is always there for others but has nobody to lean on themselves.
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u/Caution7414 2h ago
They are humble. People who've had a hard life look different. You can see the pain in their eyes. I'm currently in prison and I've been around people who been looked up for 45 years and these guys ppl are so broken. One guy who was locked up 35 years to the door said he was terrified when I asked him. He said every one he ever knew on the outside was dead. He didn't know how he wat he was going to do. I asked if he got a plan. He said yea Imma hop on my Harley until it runs outta gas... Prison life in Georgia Prisons is so hard, violent and dangerous. Lord help us.
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u/Miss_Sensational 4h ago
Something about the skin
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u/Chantel_Lusciana 4h ago
?
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u/FreePossession9590 4h ago
Fine lines and wrinkles very early in life. Circles under eyes etc etc I’d assume is what they’re referring to.
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u/Lost_Pollution_9215 3h ago
They absolutely refuse to ask for help, even when they are clearly drowning in stress, because they are used to relying solely on themselves
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u/Ok-Cap-1271 2h ago
A small social circle, few people they trust and share life with. Also someone who examines the room and situations they are in, maybe stems from anxiety.
I think most people with a true large social bubble find it easy to socialize and create bonds with others. It can be hard to find yourself and carry a smile before finding true friends when your carrying trauma.
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u/SecretaryPersonal533 2h ago
They stop asking for help because they’ve learned not to expect anyone to show up.
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u/MarqoTheDragon 1h ago
No panic in typically shocking/scary situations. Very loud bangs, yelling, violence, medical emergencies etc.
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u/just_as_I_predicted 1h ago
You can tell from the eyes. Especially skin underneath the eyes.
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u/ImpossibleSlideee 38m ago
I think they apologise constantly. for taking up space, for asking a question, for having a problem. usually learned somewhere that needing anything was an inconvenience.
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u/star_7486 3h ago
They show empathy and kindness never think that opposite can be wrong always understand keep others opinions or emotions first
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u/Iwanttobeapharoh 2h ago
I'm fine
Anyone who got it as auto response while not looking or seeming ok has dealt with some stuff
Double points if something feels off while they look normal
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u/PortableClock84 4h ago
Resting russian face
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u/FunkyPhantom3030 3h ago
I'm a 6'0, 270 lb half Russian man who was adopted and raised by a diagnosed covert narcissist parent. My resting face looks perpetually exhausted and intimidating but I will give you the biggest hugs.
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u/FlyLost4570 2h ago
They have a thick skin and aren't easily bothered. They're used to being shit on, so they just don't care.
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u/ClinicallyHeavy 4h ago
They're uncomfortable when someone does something nice for them.