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I'm too sad to type everything

Im just sad of being lonely

Trigger Warning: Suicide

I don't have anyone in my life anymore because I pushed everyone away, so I'm leaving my note here as I use Reddit to express myself.

Throughout my life, I’ve had to sit with the fact that my family, peers, strangers, previous partners, and some old “friends” have viewed me as being physically ugly. It hurts. I know that I’ve never been facially beautiful, and it seems as though my adult features will always be unappealing. There are days when I’ve longed to have parents that are conventionally beautiful. If I did have parents who looked different, I’d likely be a beautiful woman.

I never felt feminine growing up. I didn’t fit in with most girls my age at the time. A lot of them would bully me, exclude me, and make passive-aggressive comments about my mannerisms or appearance. Even still, I know I do not look feminine, and it’s worse being a Black woman in such a vulnerable position.

I’ve grown to find my face triggering. I spiral into thoughts of my face burning off or being stomped. It hurts knowing that my face is the reason why people mistreated me for so long.

I never asked to look like this.

I met this guy I liked, and he claimed to like me back. There were times when he was kind, humorous, and charismatic. I thought we understood each other as we are both Black. However, he took advantage of my kindness, used me emotionally, omitted information from certain situations, thought I was unattractive, and threw me under the bus to preserve a relationship with someone he valued. I’m not hurt by the fact that he cares for someone that isn’t me; quite the opposite... but I’m sad that he made the choice to hurt me in the process. I'm sad that he lied, took advantage of me, and treated me like garbage.

I never knew that I was so ugly that I had to be treated like that.

I can’t do this. I don’t want to keep going. People are cruel online and offline. They will berate anyone for amusement.

Feminism leaves out women like myself, the media, literature, celebrations, family, sisterhood, etc. It’s as though society decided I’m an inherent failure for not being pretty.

I thought being in my early 20s was meant to be fun. I guess not. I learned in life that I will never be someone’s priority, but I will always be the first person they choose to discard.

Goodbye,
A. ♡

I keep trying to make friends and it doesn't work. And when it does work its people I meet online. And when it's people online I don't have anyone to really hang out with. And when I do have people to talk to..the worst thing is remembering all the people that have shit on me, left me, rejected me outright, bullied me, and it just compounds and makes it hard for me to even want friends in the first place. I'm so tired. At least once a day I feel like deleting, I'm so fucking sick of feeling like this. Cant afford fucking medication and therapy because not having a steady job for the last 4 months has put me in debt.

At this point just build facilities for us to delete. Nobody gaf anyway.

I’m reaching out to black psychologists for therapy and I am getting no responses. What’s going on? Ive left voicemails and sent emails to many providers but only the white ones are responding. WTF.

My experiences with white therapists makes weary of trying one again, but the black ones are MIA.

I’ve sent emails and called a few different people and I’m feeling like Im blacklisted or something.

This was not as easy as it sounds, mainly due to the mental exertion I had to place towards this. For a long time, I could not get myself to do anything art-related, despite it being my "hobby" and wanting to do it. Because of this, I see myself just getting started on this as an achievement in its own right. I don't want to move too fast with the progress though; 45 minutes later after starting and working on it on my computer, and my head already hurts. I still have to learn and see lessons and experiences for myself as I journey to a better state of mind.

While many believe that time should be taken off of social media (and they're not wrong), I don't see the social media aspect as what I'm celebrating on, but the fact that I'm doing what I see as a little graphic design. Considering that this is the main job position that I want to start off on in my career, it's nice to know that I'm making strides to put my mind onto a familiar, yet unfamiliar experience. In fact, just expressing my victory over merely starting my banner art has proven to be something I'm still not used to yet, because my head is still tingly and trying to push away from all the new experience, when it can't!

Sorry if some of the things I've said sound like they're on repeat; I'm just glad that I was able to get through what I view as a small, but difficult and important step! I hope, and contnue to hope, that I can continue with this growth of mine, no matter how slow it has to take!

You don't have to be happy right now, if you don't feel the desire to. Embrace your emotions. Become one with your emotions. Come to terms with your emotions. It is a process that will take as long as it has to. Some days may feel like forever, being so slow that it hurts to do nothing at all, but be alone with your thoughts, without anyone to talk to, or anywhen. And some days, events can feel as if their not happening fast enough; expecting yourself to heal so quickly on the mental plane, yet remain stuck and encased in a flurry of emotions and headaches front and back.

All the colors of the rainbow present themselves here, in you. And feeling as if you're not in the mood, is perfectly okay. If you ever feel like searching for a way out, searching for advice, is more stressful than what lets it on, just walk away from it all, go drink a cup, glass, or bottle of water, and just let your thoughts and surroundings just be. Times may present themselves under difficulty, while others grasps the urge to continue forth on an activity that's looked forward to. Whatever the case is, the most important thing is to pace yourself, at the speed comfortable to you. Don't beat yourself up when you take a step back. Just hold in your heart what you're drawing yourself towards, and you will be okay.

You, will be okay.

For context, this is a post I made in a different Reddit last year. I'm reposting it here because voting time brings up feelings like this, feelings that I can't help but have every now and then even after a year. I'm also hoping that maybe it'll inspire others in this Reddit who know this feeling too... maybe remind them that they're not alone in this experience

"So here's the deal:

I'm 24, black, and fresh out of college (mind you, I went to an HBCU), and I feel like I know very little regarding my own history, past and current. It always feels like history of all sorts is happening as we speak, and I keep on missing it because I am so bad at keeping up on current and past events and am always behind. The area I live in now is predominantly white, and it seems like even the white people I work with are more black-cultured than I am! ... I want to learn though, and I try my best to, but the idea of there being so much to catch up on and it makes me feel like I may never catch up or know as much as I am supposed to is very overwhelming to me, which discourages me. It didn't help that back in college, my "friends" would condescend to me every chance they would get and make me feel bad, stupid, small, and inferior to them whenever I told them I wasn't knowledgeable on a given topic, whether it was a celebrity, event, or some media. I only told them because I wanted to know, myself. Half of those "friends " would take turns condescending me, and the rest would sit there and say nothing in my defense. None of them would ever take the time to either educate me or point me in the right direction to educate myself, only for them to gaslight me when they could clearly see they made me feel bad, upset, hurt, and not wanting to speak anymore. I'm just tired of people making me feel stupid and bad for what I don't know; feel like I always have to explain myself; and feel like in those moments, it's always me against them, a 1-v-many. Needless to say, I finally cut those people out of my life last year. I am posting this online hoping there is someone out there who reads this and understands how I feel, and maybe has some advice on how I can catch up on history and events on my own time and at my own pace, now that I no longer have those people in my life to hurt me anymore."

Hey yall

Neurospicy here. People in romantic relationships/actively dating... how are you managing? Sometimes, I feel like my "stuff" gets in the way and can/will ruin relationships. I sometimes don't want to be with anyone because I am afraid of how my ADHD shows up. I also do miss being open romantically. I don't know what to do.

So last week I attended an intake appointment for an outpatient behavioral health clinic. I have a therapy appointment later this month as well as a physical early next month and a psychiatric evaluation near Thanksgiving. I'm also on a wait-list for social services to help me get out of homelessness.

You know what? Today something stupid happened and I'm just over it. I'm at the library right now and out of nowhere something loud starts playing. Not ear shreddingly loud, but you know, it's a library and anything louder than conversational chatter is too loud. Someone's video from a computer starts playing and it goes on for a literal 2 minutes. Don't know what happened or why it happened but it just stressed me out for no reason. Mind started racing, heart starting beating, I had to put my head down for a few minutes because why the hell is this going off in the library???

After I calmed down I realized something: literally everything stresses me out. Literally everything. Loud noises. Police. My homelessness. Everything is stressful and I'm just over it. I'm tired of living like this. I don't think I can wait a month and a half to get medication for my mental illnesses. I don't think I can do it anymore. At this point I'm just waiting to get a heart attack or have the cold from the winter be bad enough to make me freeze. I feel like there is genuinely no hope.

Does anyone have tips on how to fully embrace your appearance? My ocd with my face has become so bad it’s all I think about, day in and out, on top of remembering how people have treated me because of my black features. I look masculine and in my environment it’s all everyone seems to point out about me. I’m trying to get over it, I can’t afford therapy or surgeries right now but I feel like if I don’t get a hold of it it’ll get in the way of my life. If anyone has similar experiences or advice I would love to receive it, it would help so much. Thank you.

I’m an 18 year old black woman and I want to completely widthdraw from the world because of all of the evil. It’s too hard for me as a black woman. Being black in general in this world. I’m not strong. I’m deeply sensitive and in touch with my emotions. Mentally and spiritually. I’m used to living in isolation and used to maladaptive daydream of a perfect world with no hate, evil, or “preferences” so now the real world doesn’t live up to my standards and i’m not one to lower them just because reality means I should. I would rather be alone than waste my time failing in a depressing world.

Has anyone completely withdrew from the world? Isolated, no friends, no family, no romance/dating, no social life at all? All hobbies and interest done only in the comfort of your home?

How did you go about it? What keeps you grounded during times when you feel lonely and romantically starved? Growing up thinking you’d get married, start a family, and have close friends. Any advice for a girl who actually wants to live in solitude and making her home your her fortress? Whether it’s hobbies, loving yourself, dealing with emotions, etc. All advice is welcome.

i run an archival consulting business and have primarily worked with a family of wealthy palm colored clients. they are elite artsy white ppl, and allegedly “progressive”.

to start, the client’s wife once offered me minstrel nutcracker statues (who whoopi goldberg gifted to her LMAO) because she ‘felt bad’ they were in her attic and i literally almost fainted from how violently uncomfortable i was. she genuinely thought she was hooking it up because they were ‘valuable’. it was my only contract and source of income at the time, and because it’s my first venture into independent contracting i didn’t feel like i had the leverage to cuss her out i also realized i never resolved my “grew up in suburbia” instinctual fawn response, i just simply stopped fucking with palm color people entirely for the better part of 10 years until a career shift brought me back here (the trenches). among other micro (honestly macro?) aggressions: wife “jokingly” addressed me as “bitch” when i mentioned i will be in graduate school after the project ends, asked me to help her husband figure out netflix?????, mentioned one of the characters of this play as “big blck soprano contrasted with a little blue eyed whte girl” (scary!!!).

anyways, recently in trying to pitch the collection to a big museum i made a couple historical mistakes in describing the director’s work. i apologized immediately and agreed to let them peer review communications to the institutions they want to host the collection. i felt okay doing this because its sensitive work and like to ensure clients have agency in the process, but of course they took it as a green light to be undermining and weird.

they suddenly now have been rewriting all my emails, down to the tone, wording, and salutation. which is crazy to me because i am literally a more competent writer than all of them. they went from working collaboratively to what i feel like is intern treatment within the drop of a hat and it’s so crazy to me! i let it go cause there is no kind of boundary assertion you can do here that doesn’t trigger and threaten them and the project is meant to wrap up soon.

anyways. my issue is i do care deeply about my work, and find it difficult to divorce my sense of competence and self worth from the approval of clientele, even when rationally i know they are literally PROGRAMMED ancestrally to be passive aggressively r*cist and irritating.

i don’t really have a request from anybody but i just wanted to share with other people who experience this kind of psychological warfare at work. i need to feel not crazy lmaoo!! im keeping quiet cause the contract is up soon, but its stressing me out!!

I’m an 18 year old black woman and I used to be so extroverted and naive before covid at a PWI not knowing that me being black separated me from my peers. I thought everyone just saw each other as humans but during/after covid quarantine and BLM/George Floyd, that was the first time I found out that racism was a thing and it hit HARD. My peers bullied me and made fun of GF’s death every single day after that and really traumatized me ever since. I became so isolated, developed severe social anxiety, lost all my “friends” due to racism, and haven’t had friends in years. You can imagine what dating is like. Always rejected because they’ve all said to me “I don’t like black girls.” I understand people have preferences which is fine, it just hurts being undesirable. I hate when people say “just love yourself” because you CAN love yourself but also want to love & be loved by someone else. I don’t have anyone to talk to or go out with so i’m always home alone. I’m actually scared to go out because I don’t want to lose my life due to racism. I thought moving away would make things better but now racism is “trending” and soooo bad everywhere in 2026 to the point where I realized, it’s pointless to try to “make the best of life” if all i’ll ever feel is prosecution.

I’ve decided that in my adult years, I want to isolate permanently and not leave the house unless needed (like i do now). I’m done trying to make friends, have people to talk to, or even have someone to love. I’ve craved a healthy relationship since I was 6!! I don’t even know how that is possible but then it became an obsession. I’ve never been into anything casual and I was always light years ahead (emotionally) than people my age. I crave friends badly too. Not as badly but pretty deeply.

Is it possible to teach yourself or train yourself to not care or crave human connection at all? I want to be AWAY from the world because it’s a sick place and I genuinely want to live in isolation and build my own fortress where I don’t have to be afraid at home. Which I love. I love the art of being alone but not lonely. But the hard part is feeling deeply lonely. How can I achieve to build this quiet fortress without craving human connection and letting the loneliness drive me insane like it has my entire life?

I'm not ashamed of being a black woman or anything, but I feel like I don't truly understand what it means to be black. Like I understand racism and oppression, but I feel like I don't have much in common with neurotypical black women. I don't really care about fashion or makeup and my special interests include video games, anime, dnd, cartoons and animation, "nerdy stuff" like that. I also have trouble picking up on social cues and sarcasm, so i can't tell if someone is flirting with me and I also don’t really understand African American Vernacular English (AAVE). Recently I've been thinking that if I have kids one day, will I be able to teach them what it means to be black? Does any other black autistic women feel this way or am i just being silly?

I’m an 18 year old black woman and i’m tired of how black women/people are treated in this world, I’m choosing to live the rest of my life in isolation. Which i’m slowly getting okay with because I’m fine with the art of being alone but not lonely.

The racism and other hatred people have for each other has made me develop social anxiety and made me antisocial because I don’t like the reality of this sick world or the people in it.

How do I go from being antisocial which comes from a negative place of being around others and loneliness to being asocial which comes from a positive place and preference for being around my own company? How do I become truly happy with living a quiet life completely alone without missing or craving human connection? I know to have small hobbies and stuff but what about the emotional void?

I hate this world. I wish it was perfect. People really do love hate. Whether it is gender, race, sexuality, religion, whatever. It is so sickening that differences are a threat rather than appreciated. Not the world I want to live in. Especially as a black woman. I’m tired of the racism in real life, on social media, and on the news. Never preferred or even liked as people. Black people are losing their lives due to this effed up superiority bs. It’s so hard to be a christian and struggling to have faith because why is any of this allowed?? Why did this have to happen? I hate myself for not being the person I want to be, in a world I want to be in. I yearn for a world with no hate, pain, or even death. Something completely different from reality, knowing what I crave will only ever be a dream. I hate always being seen as less valuable than a rock in reality. I’ve permanently isolated from the entire world. It’s so lonely and all I see is hatred on social media but theres nowhere to go. Even outside the US they hate us. I can never live the life I dream of. All I do is maladaptive daydream, yearn and cry. My daydreams are so much better than this but they aren’t real. It’s a different kind of pain.

I have a family who stresses me out . My siblings or the spouses are always yelling at my nieces and nephews and it reminds me of my mom yelling at me when she was alive .

Every time we have family gatherings I get stressed out because people are always yelling at me or someone else. When I see happy family gatherings and people have a good time I get stressed out and depressed and grieving for the family I never had .

Every job I had people complain about what I'm doing I thought I was doing a good job . I do my job and I show up on time everything is clean . Either bosses , coworkers and job coaches complain about how I do my job . I have to have a job coach to get a job or I won't have a job the job coach I had in the past bullied me and stressed me out . Even with my family I clean the house up people grip and complain and said I haven't done a good job .

I just want to pack my things and leave my family and quit my job because nobody likes me people always complain about what I'm doing and what I am not doing. Sometimes I want to work alone and live alone . I am tired of people complaining all because I have a disability. I believe I have autism and I am very shy and I have social anxiety.

I keep having these stressful thoughts that pisses me off and makes me angry 😡 and I be in a rage. I can't get rid of these bad thoughts of people bothering me and lecture me . And I see a therapist she's no help and I haven't talked to her in a while. I just want peace and have fun and I don't want no drama.

I hate everything about myself. I hate being around people. I hate white people. I hate pocs. I hate coons. I hate working. I hate living in this society. I hate racism. I hate being belittled. I hate being feeling awkward. I’m serious… they’re nothing I like. I really wanna leave this hellscape. I really wish I was never born. I’m so sick of this shit. What’s the point? I can’t do anything because I have family. And it would shake the ground if I did it. I’m stuck living until it comes naturally. I hate this. I hate how miserable I am. I wish I wasn’t like this. I really do. But it’s so many things that I hate that’ll never go away. I’m hurting.

Hi, I’m JD and I’m from Manchester in the UK🇬🇧 .

Alongside my co-host Jahmal, we run a podcast called "You Good Bro?" Podcast About life, mental health, and wellbeing, where we discuss the inner critic.

We talk about that small voice inside your mind telling you you're not good enough. We share our thoughts on the inner critic, where it might come from, when it can actually help, and when it just holds you back from moving forward.

Please check it out if it sounds of interest.

For those in here who are STEM majors and want to go into veterinary medicine and for those who are practicing vets, how do/did you manage your mental health and being in college? Especially if you have no friends or family to talk to. (Did any of you enter the field later in life?)

Context: Im a senior at a university I transferred to last year, after being in community college for a bit. Less than 1% of the undergrad population is black, there are three black undergrads in my department and 6 black grad students. The area my school is in is more of a retirement town, for rich old white people, than a college town. The town being so small means there are so little opportunities to shadow vets/ try to find work to get my hours in for vet school applications. I don’t have a car and my schedule doesn’t allow enough gaps in time for me to take the bus (2hr ride) to the next town over. Becoming a veterinarian is the only aspiration I have and it’s beginning to feel more and more unobtainable. I was diagnosed with depression and suicidal ideation with intent. Each year I feel like i’m closer and closer to making another attempt. I think moving out of this town would definitely make me feel better but I don’t know if I can stand this for two more quarters.

(hope this makes sense, lowkey writing this after crying on and off for 4 hours lol)

I graduated in Summer 2024 with a bachelor's degree in political science. I started in computer science but after learning about the history of anti-Black discrimination in technology and AI I wanted to do something a bit different. I realized I like technology policy & machine ethics much more. It's an interesting niche field in combining DEI, politics, data governance, research, and policy development and as this field grows and becomes more necessary to regulate AI usage and analyze societal consequences. I have planned for a master's/PhD and even a law degree as I like school and research but my ideal school rejected me.

I did some projects & conferences on critical AI-ML analysis & human-tech interactions (two conference presentations but couldn't present one of them due to my state suppressing my university's education spending) and held multiple student leadership positions that dealt with policy, both writing and advocating for, and networking with the student body and student organizations. Even worked directly with my faculty's senate, helping lead data assessments on student engagement that directly benefitted resources and frameworks for professors. As a result of my work my resume is 2 pages long (with an extra page for professional references if an application requires it). I know it's unorthodox, but as a result of my undergraduate work I feel like it's not too big of a deal.

Nothing. I've been working some small jobs that have nothing to do with my career so I don't go homeless. I know the job market is a mess, but I really feel like I messed up. Tried applying for some internships but many are for current students. Right now I'm spending time on re-learning programming to demonstrate technical skills but I don't know if that's enough.

Wondering if anyone else feels the same. I can send my resume if that's okay.