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u/jazzy22jm 4d ago
I get it not everyone wants to hand hold but some of y'all make this sound SO dehumanizing ☠️. Just communicate in bed.
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u/thecatinthewizardhat 4d ago
It feels like it's literally impossible for most people to talk about their dating preferences in a way that isn't dehumanizing as fuck. It happens to trans people really bad specifically but I see it happen to racial minorities, to fat people, to autistic people even. It's a topic that just makes so many people feel like shit for literally no reason
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u/BrightLavenderMoons 4d ago
So many gay men aren't actually all that happy with our hook-up culture, it's just that they believe that there's not another option or that not wanting that is wanting to assimilate in to heterosexual society.
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u/Leafusbee 4d ago
Wild that you’re reducing the post to only being about sex.
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u/jazzy22jm 3d ago
I understand what you are saying but I read the comments and that's what people seemed to attach the post to. You can just say you gotta say I'm down to learn. I just don't appreciate the moral grandstanding when you added nothing as well.
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u/AccelerDragon 3d ago
It’s applicable either way imo, sexual or romantic.
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u/Leafusbee 3d ago
It’s not dehumanizing for someone to say.
“I would like to fuck and date and be in relationship with someone that I feel safe enough with.”
Because that is what the 5+ years and this whole inside joke that’s real that’s now an outside joke boils down to.
To have a certain level of certainty that you are not someone’s experiment. That you will not be dehumanized in the process of trying to be with them. That they’ve worked through the internalized homophobia and comp het that 95% of us start with because of the way society shapes.
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u/jazzy22jm 3d ago
"I don't want to teach anyone, I just want to get my nut off" Is a bit dehumanizing and what I was referring to. I see your perspective and I absolutely agree with you. A queer experience shouldn't be a "fun fact" you tell your heteronormative friends.
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u/Leafusbee 3d ago
I appreciate that. I definitely hadn’t really thought of it as a hook up they were referring to.
If you don’t mind, because I am curious, what is dehumanizing in the desire to not want to teach someone if it’s a hook up? I thought that was to be expected.
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u/jazzy22jm 3d ago
I was seeing as someone saying 'If you don't know what you are doing, you are no use to me' and my response to that was effective communication. More so of someone's first time having sex rather than first time with a queer person. The way some people talk about virgins makes it sound like they want to mold them to use them or they are inexperienced so that person can't use them effectively. I'm not saying people are wrong for not wanting to hook up with someone inexperienced as long as they handle it tactfully. I just didn't like they way people were talking about it here in the comments based off the perspective I had.
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u/Leafusbee 3d ago
I really appreciate you taking the time to clarify that for me. I think I get sensitive when I feel like people expect more from queer relationships in an unfair way.
Your critique of that is lens is spot on. It’s objectifying and selfish. While I don’t necessarily think that it’s actually a bad thing, I can see why you said what you say.
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u/riceewifee 4d ago
Not gay but I feel this, I do not want to be nobodies first girlfriend anymore, please figure out what you’re doing before you rope me into it
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u/AshenSacrifice ☑️ 4d ago
I don’t think someone’s inexperience should stop you from finding the love of your life, it’s only as much as a barrier that 2 people let it be
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u/GiantLesbian 4d ago edited 3d ago
Gay relationship inexperience is a big barrier even when you don’t want it to be. Most people that are having their first gay relationship later in life are doing so because they’re bisexual and have only been dating the opposite sex, and they have really not experienced what it’s like yet to be out all the time with your clearly gay same sex partner, because now everybody treats them like they’re gay. Even people who they knew their whole lives who knew they were bisexual will treat them differently. It doesn’t even have to be nefarious, it’s just different. It feels like coming out of the closet all over again, and it’s emotionally fraught even when it goes well. Add in the fact that dating men and dating women are two totally different animals, and the fact that first gf relationships tend to follow the same patterns even if you’ve dated men before (and vice versa), and it’s often just too many barriers for people to get and stay connected when the experience gulf is that wide, even when you’re trying to make it work.
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u/AshenSacrifice ☑️ 3d ago
Yeah that sounds difficult and uncomfortable but it still sounds very possible to navigate if you’re dating a person you actually love. Or should I say it still sounds worth it. Difficult, but not impossible
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u/GiantLesbian 3d ago edited 3d ago
Half the battle is making it to the “deep in love” stage in the first place, though. You have to connect and stay connected on a deep level for that to happen. Barriers can prevent that. And when people get to a certain age, they’re done wasting half their year jerking themselves around emotionally just to figure out someone else potentially isn’t going to be on the same page needed to build even a basic real adult relationship for several more years.
It’s so much easier to just filter up front for people who have some idea of what they’re getting into and what they want. That’s how this kinda thing like in the OP happens.
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u/AshenSacrifice ☑️ 3d ago
I’d say that’s the whole battle lol. But yes I agree. I just think people keep adding and applying so many filters, there’s nothing left except themselves in a mirror lol
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u/GiantLesbian 3d ago edited 3d ago
I don’t think “has to have had a girl/boyfriend before” is that type of filter. That’s actually a pretty low bar once you’re past a certain age regardless of your sexuality.
I’d say it’s right up there with standard filters most people have past a certain age like “is employed” and “is not reliant on parents for everything”.
I don’t think any of those filters are especially likely to filter out many real catches, but, conversely, they are very likely to filter out a bunch of headaches and time sucks.
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u/AshenSacrifice ☑️ 2d ago
So you wouldn’t date someone who had a strong career and lost their job because they got laid off or looking to move to a new field?
Thats why I’m saying these rules seem like they make sense on the surface level, but if you add nuance, it can get really dumb really quickly lol. The parent one makes more sense though
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u/GiantLesbian 2d ago edited 2d ago
You are approaching this like this is my best friend who I already am in love with and would I refuse to date them? No. But that’s not how the dating world works 99.99999% of the time. We’re talking about strangers, acquaintances, and casual friends or friends-of-friends.
(A) When you’re unemployed is no time to try to start a relationship, you’re stressed and depressed and preoccupied. Whoever you’re compatible with now you might not be compatible with once you’re not stressed and depressed, or they may no longer feel compatible with you. You’re also going to miss out on a lot of people who would otherwise date you, so like just wait and you’ll have more options. Unemployment is a time to be on Tinder trying to get laid, not trying to build a relationship foundation with a new person.
(B) Every unemployed person trying to date has a story about the great job they had, how they lost it through no fault of their own, but don’t worry I have big plans! I’m going back to school, I never stay unemployed long, etc. But 99.999% of the time they’re hobosexuals who are absolutely full of it. Because, see point (A), people actually trying to build healthy relationships are not out here trying to meet the love of their life when they’re unemployed.
Your views are really nice on paper, but in the real world they’re a recipe to literally date anyone, which is at best going to be a waste of time and at worst could fuck your whole life up. Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has shit happen, everybody didn’t have the privileges or resources you did some of them led rough lives and have rough pasts, so what we shouldn’t judge anybody on anything but their personality (notably, at a time when everyone is putting on their best show on that front)? But in the real world, so much more matters than personality compatibility. Like, the reason why you don’t see high flying successful surgeons out here dating unemployed felons who can barely talk isn’t because none of those felons have nice personalities or because all those surgeons are superficial or judgmental. Lifestyle compatibility is HUGELY important for relationship compatibility.
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u/AshenSacrifice ☑️ 2d ago
I understand what you’re saying I’m just saying unemployment looks different for everyone. You being unemployed makes it so you’re stressed depressed and preoccupied. But others unemployment can look vastly different especially if they have something else lined up for the future, but aren’t currently working yet, ya know lol?
Sounds like you have some preconceived notions on unemployment lol, especially on this piece of shit economy?? I wouldn’t make any characteristic judgements based on someone’s employment status in 2026.
I think we all should disqualify people we’re dating because of their actions, views, and morals, not solely based on their circumstances. I do agree lifestyle compatibility matters as well, but I feel like you have a more woman based view compared to me as a man. Like as men we would date women that make a lot less than us or even unemployed but women are MUCH more adverse to dating men who are unemployed, so I guess that makes sense in a way. We just are looking for different things in our partners as we date. I respect your view though!
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u/AshenSacrifice ☑️ 3d ago
I think love can evolve grow and deepen, and you continuously learn how profound it can be. If you want true love you have to take a chance lmao. That’s the whole point of it. It requires trust and vulnerability.
I can’t ever tell someone what they should and shouldn’t be ok with, especially as it pertains to sexually. All I’m saying is maybe stay a little open minded and don’t block your own blessings
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u/AshenSacrifice ☑️ 3d ago
Well age gaps have way more involved to them than just inexperience. Theres power imbalances and lifestyle imbalances as well. Someone being a virgin can still be very developed in multiple other areas of their life
I do agree that love comes later and takes time to develop. I already know the lesson haha I just could have formed my sentence better
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u/pokexchespin 3d ago
i figured people were having later first gay relationships because zoomers are more single than previous generations (and i assume it’s happening with older gen alpha? idk if they’re teens yet)
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u/GiantLesbian 3d ago edited 3d ago
The people saying “I can’t be someone’s first gay relationship” are (for the most part) not at the ages where everyone is still just figuring out their sexuality and how to date. It’s more of a late 20s and on thing, like once you’re at the age where you’re expecting your partners to have had experience in adult relationships 1+ years long. So the people having their first gay relationship at those ages are usually bisexuals who have been dating the opposite sex or, occasionally, people who grew up religious and left the closet super late (which tends to have the same issues I listed in my other comment, except worse because religious guilt/discrimination).
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u/alexthealex 3d ago
>if you’re not dating to marry, then you’re dating for heartbreak
>I’m dating to get my vagina licked, EMILY
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u/AshenSacrifice ☑️ 3d ago
You can just ask nicely and get that to happen lmao🤣 don’t even need to date and waste ya time
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u/the-chat-is-cooked 3d ago
It's not a question of experience, it's a question of if the other person is ready to be an out visibly gay person (as in will you hold my hand in public, will you tell your friends and family you are dating the same sex?)
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u/AshenSacrifice ☑️ 2d ago
Those are valid concerns! But those are the same concerns every gay person would have to overcome with their first gay relationship anyway lol
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u/Aggressive_Cloud2002 3d ago
How eager would you be to be the first racialized person a white person dates, especially if they also only have white friends and family?
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u/AshenSacrifice ☑️ 3d ago
As long as they don’t view me through that racial ass lense im cool with it. I despise race as a concept anyway but that’s a whole other convo lmao
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u/Aggressive_Cloud2002 2d ago
So you'd be ok with their unconscious biases against you and your family? You'd be ok having to constantly explain or point out micro-aggressions they perpetuate because they just don't know? You'd be ok having to explain things like the converse ad to someone who has never thought about anything like that before?
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u/AshenSacrifice ☑️ 2d ago
No I’m not explaining or participating in any of that lol and if my white girlfriend doesn’t want to follow my lead on that then I’m kicking her ass to the curb too lol.
But if she supports how I want to go about it, then I would stay with her and we would navigate ignoring her family together 😂
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u/Aggressive_Cloud2002 1d ago
Right, of course not! Likewise, many queer people don't want to be someone else's first queer experience because we don't want to explain or participate in any of the queer version of that, either.
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u/FlourishingSolo 3d ago
Oh it's more than just "First relationship". In this case you either have
A. Someone who is experimenting and not actually serious about a relationship. Probably gonna bolt within 6 months
B. If it's in college for women, you always run the risk of some girl trying to make someone else jealous or be seen kissing a girl, not actually serious
C. They really are a baby queer/trans and they have a BUNCH of baggage to unpack. Internalized homophobia/transphobia, being scared to be seen in public with a queer or trans partner, coming out to family, etc.It's a lot of emotional labor to be with someone who is going through that. Like I have no problem helping someone through those first years as a friend (where I can have some emotional distance to protect myself) but I wouldn't want to deal with that in a relationship
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u/ProllySaid 3d ago
Yeah first relationship for anyone is awful. They are learning how to be a partner and they will probably be terrible at it. Honestly id recommend someone’s first partner be someone you don’t want to marry just to get the learning curve out of the way
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u/Faded1974 Loves Future 2d ago
If you get roped in it’s on you. The signs would have definitely been there.
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u/SimonPho3nix 4d ago
This conversation...I get people are trying to be real, but damn. Wouldn't nobody learn shit outside of porn with that attitude, and have you seen the warped minds who have received most of their education from porn?! Gay or straight, shit's depressing.
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u/chaotic034 3d ago
I've often liked dating to a job search since it feels the same. People don't want you without experience, but no one wants to give you an opportunity to gain any experience, and then nothing happens. You're left behind.
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u/imperatrixderoma 3d ago
People are often too conservative about this, legit if you put yourself out there you'll find someone who matches you or is slightly worse as a guy.
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u/puzzlebuns 3d ago
Plus, unless your first time is also someone else's first time, how you gonna be above dealing with virgins when someone else had to deal with your virginy ass at some point. Nobody is born with game.
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_WOES_GIRL 3d ago
Fr, do they not sleep with people they like? Isn't it supposed to feel good to be intimate and vulnerable with someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, no matter the experience-level?
Both teaching and learning should feel like a privilege when you actually like someone.
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u/queerkidxx 4d ago
I don’t ever want to be someone’s first, in general. But I’m down to be a dudes first man if he’s been with other people
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u/EitherExamination343 4d ago edited 3d ago
I know this shit is jokes but I can’t help feeling a little sad. How did queer folk writing this get their experience? Like I get it but then I don’t?
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u/Techygal9 ☑️ 4d ago
With other baby gays hopefully!
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u/ul2006kevinb Trans-cending 4d ago
Yeah I was under the assumption that the person who wrote the tweet is older. Older people -generally- don't want to have sex with people who are much younger or have much less experience. Let the young people experiment with each other while the older people can enjoy sex without having to teach a lesson first
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u/rolledbeeftaco 3d ago
Exactly. I am almost 40. I’ve done all my experimenting. I need a professional.
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u/jpgjordan 3d ago
Tbf, a lot of people come out late in life, if they are supposed to be fucking baby gays too - I find it hard to believe we're not gonna end up with niggas in their 50s with 20 year olds.
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u/Techygal9 ☑️ 3d ago
What about other late bloomers? Like other women with ex husbands and kids.
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u/jpgjordan 3d ago
If you're in a big city? You gonna have a lot of options still
Anywhere else? Pretty rare, I'm sure
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u/Techygal9 ☑️ 3d ago
Fair. It’s just if you waited until 30 or 40 to be with a woman it comes with a lot of trauma, typically religious, internalized homophobia, and more. I just lack the bandwidth for that.
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u/jpgjordan 3d ago
I get that,, trust, no one should retraumatise themselves like that.
But I'd say similarly, you may have issues with dating anyone who is carrying a lot of emotional baggage regardless of experience.
Also I can see scenerios where a baby gay just stayed with their first het partner since their teens.
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u/Techygal9 ☑️ 3d ago
I don’t think so, like if you’ve dealt with that trauma enough to be your authentic self then I would say you wouldn’t be dealing with it now in middle age. If you’ve stayed with the same person for so long that means you’re just now living authentically.
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u/ul2006kevinb Trans-cending 3d ago
Yeah that's going to be a hard one TBH. I'm in my 40s and if I were single I wouldn't want to be dating people, even my age, who just started dating (or who just started dating a new gender, same deal). It would just be too exhausting. But at the same time most 20 somethings who are just starting to date, even though they're at a similar place when dating knowledge is concerned, are at a TOTALLY different time in their lives and probably not interested in the same things the 40 something baby gay is interested in. They'll probably be going out at the time he's going to bed.
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u/jpgjordan 3d ago
I feel you, it's the sensible direction for those late bloomers to be patient but unfortunately most my gay friends had some old ass dating them when they were still 20
That said, in the queer dating scene, it's not like you won't find some time who is happy to date the inexperienced
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u/ul2006kevinb Trans-cending 3d ago
In the straight dating scene too. There's a reason why the stereotype of the middle aged guy dating a 20 year old woman exists.
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u/EitherExamination343 3d ago
This was the exact scenario I was thinking of. I’m in my 40’s as well and didn’t get comfortable with my queerness until my 30’s through my current relationship. Not that I think we’d ever break up but if we did, I’d know I’d struggle with same sex for exactly that reason.
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u/Skadij 3d ago
Yup. After I was done with college I was similarly done with dating or hooking up with women who were looking to “discover” something about themselves or were feeling “curious.”
People who come out of the closet later in life totally deserve to find themselves and date, but just because the same sex dating pool is small doesn’t mean gay and bi men and lesbian and bi women HAVE to be charity workers.
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u/randombubble8272 3d ago
My friend is 27 and learning about her own sexuality as it comes to the same sex. It would be really hard for her to meet another 27 year old who’s gay who’s never had sex with a woman
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u/ctmfg56 3d ago
We aint matching on these apps. And lots of people have in their bio same thing as OPs post.
https://giphy.com/gifs/t5qY8FyyM85a030
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u/VulkanCurze 3d ago
I have a friend who is gay and the amount of times he has had "straight" guys approach him and it always tends to start with "So, how did you know you were gay?" or "What's it like being gay?"
And a few years back he kinda done the same as this post. Said he was sick of being "straight" guys first/only experience.
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u/Jerome_Eugene_Morrow 3d ago edited 3d ago
I have a gay female friend and in college the number of times she had a girlfriend that realized they weren’t gay after 6-12 months and dumped her… I get it.
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u/Aggressive_Cloud2002 3d ago
Everyone is making it just about sex though, and it isn't. If you're not young and dating similarly young people, it means your first time is happening later in life, which means you only realized you're queer later in life, which means so much more. It very likely means you have no experience being out, or being with people who are out. You don't know how to be in community with queer people. You don't know how it feels to be visibly queer.
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u/BringAltoidSoursBack 3d ago
Just fyi, using an adjective to name a group is problematic. For instance, "queer people" vs "the queers" or "black people" vs "the blacks"
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u/NonComposMentisNY 3d ago
I’m a lesbian. I realized I was a lesbian at 18, but I didn’t fully come out until 26. I had my first girlfriend at 27. Between 18 and 26, I got A LOT of experience with women while in the closet. I am now 46 and honestly…I share (along with many others) the same sentiments. When I was getting back to dating two years ago, I ran into many late in life women who had ZERO previous experience with other women. I politely declined dating or sleeping with them. I get that everyone has to get experience somehow, it just won’t be with me.
You’re first is rarely your last. I’m at an age where I know who I am and what I want, and I wanted (happily partnered currently) a woman who knew the same. I have a few late in life friends. I’ve watched them flip flop from thinking they’re lesbian, then bi, then pan, and settle on bi. Getting them to understand why they’re having a hard time with women is challenging, but it’s true. Those of us who know have already gone through this period and we know you’re in flux and it’s gonna be a while before the dust settles. 18-30 is the period where most (not all) figure out their orientation, gain experience, and come to know who you are. It’s why past 35 few are willing to give baby gays a chance.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad-8684 3d ago
I think the issue with dating regardless of sexuality is that people are able to be a lot choosier now, which is great if you’re Fabio incarnate but if you’re a normal person with a normal life you’ll be miserable
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u/Secure_Basil8953 ☑️ 3d ago
Some comments seem put off about this, but I feel like it’s a little different in the queer community. I mean the post isn’t necessarily talking about sex. It’s the same as someone saying they don’t want to be the first black girl someone is dating tbh.
I’m a lesbian and it wouldn’t be an automatic no for me if someone has never had a queer experience, but it might give me pause. I’d have questions, so it really just depends on the person. There are lots of genuine people that are new to being queer, but there are also a lot of mfs that just want to see what’s up.
It’s okay for people to not want to go on that journey with someone, and it’s okay if they do.
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u/Ok_Truck_5092 3d ago
Yeah I may have felt more open to this in my early 20s but as a lesbian in my 30s I would absolutely not date a woman who has never been with a woman. You need to know what you’re doing lol
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u/FlashInGotham 3d ago
Exactly. Im a 45 yearold phauggete with a busy life. I'm into professional level gay shit. Playing with the Junior Varsity team would be a waste of everyone's time.
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u/nowhereman136 3d ago
I'm a 35 year old guy who's longest relationship has been a year long. That's a red flag to girls who want someone they think can be serious. How do I get a long term relationship if I have never been in a long term relationship?
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u/Leafusbee 4d ago
All these bi girls on the apps want someone with experience to teach them.
Girl get with another inexperienced girl and learn together. Pretend it’s college. And don’t get me started on the anxiety of wondering if she’s done enough work on the compulsory het for you to feel safe enough to fall in love.
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u/D3e3a2d3 3d ago
yeah fr. a lot of people want to give their opinion on this, but if you're not dating the same gender or in queer relationships, then it's hard to actually understand what the first person is getting at. And i really don't think the motivation for it was mainly sexual.
Compulsive heterosexuality is a big reason like you said. A majority of the girls I've been with where I was their "first" are still stuck on that shit. Seeking male validation, treating men's opinion as holy, always tryna follow these weird gender roles in relationships.
Then, you have to deal with her trying to accept herself and the relationship the whole time. Not wanting to introduce you to family. Questioning herself. Like you can miss me with all that shit, honestly! I am comfortable with who I am. I don't wanna deal with all the bullshit. Done it too many times and I'm too grown at this point.
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u/Leafusbee 3d ago edited 3d ago
Exactly, and the way you outlined it really gave me additional language.
There’s a layer of emotional labor that’s being extracted from us being the person settled in their queer experiences.
It’s so funny, because the online feminist discourse discourages so many women from those unequal relationships, where one person knows more and has to guide or teach a man or do unequal emotional labor. And yet, when we say we don’t want to do it in queer relationships we’re villainized. As if because it’s the same gender the concept of unequal emotional labor goes out the window.
If I’m helping someone through all of that gestures to your post there’s some part of me that really doubts they would be able to support me.
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u/Thelegendarymario 4d ago
Could mindsets like this also be contributing to that gen z dating statistics everyone like to be posting nowadays?
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u/dalledeverre 3d ago
Makes me wonder if those Gen Z statistics account for LGBTQ+. Like, are Gen Z gay/bi young men also seeing a drop in sexual experience compared previous generations? Because that's how you'd know something's hinky, when horny young dudes into each other are also going "nah I'm good".
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u/Vladimir_Putting 3d ago
This makes sense if you are just looking for sex, hookup, chemistry, fun.
If you are looking for love, relationship, bonding, partnership then who gives a fuck how much experience they have?
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u/Aggressive_Cloud2002 3d ago
It's actually more about the opposite! Previous experience doesn't mean someone will be good or compatible with you in bed. However, it does mean they will be comfortable in queer spaces, hanging out with visibly queer people, being out, holding hands with you in public so long as that's not completely unsafe, introducing you to work colleagues and their friends, etc...
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u/Vladimir_Putting 3d ago
I appreciate the queer perspective on that. I'm not gay myself so I hadn't considered that angle fully. I guess the idea you are saying is that if someone is more "out" that means they should also be more generally confident and self-assured and thus better able to navigate a relationship that will come with certain issues caused by society.
I dunno, I guess at the same time that also makes them a better candidate for the "sex, hookup, chemistry, fun" I mentioned. Confidence really helps in that department in my experience.
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u/Aggressive_Cloud2002 3d ago
Not to be too particular, but its not just confidence. It's also about all the internalised homophobia and queerphobia we almost always need to untangle. I'm too loudly out and visibly queer to be with someone who might be uncomfortable with that in any way. I also need a partner who will also notice subtle bigotry, instead of needing it explained. To put it into a racialized context because of the sub we are in, imagine having to explain what's wrong with recent converse ad to a white person you're dating because they just don't see it.
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u/Vladimir_Putting 3d ago
I'm too loudly out and visibly queer to be with someone who might be uncomfortable with that in any way. I also need a partner who will also notice subtle bigotry, instead of needing it explained.
Yeah, that makes perfect sense to me.
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u/FilteredRiddle ☑️ 3d ago
I’m a biracial, bisexual, trans dude. If I refuse to be people’s first (in many dimensions), I’m really cutting out my opportunities to get dicked down and I do not love that for me. If folks can roll up with a queer internship or two under their belt though, that’s for sure a bonus.
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u/lovestruck-bottom 3d ago
I just....talk to the person I'm interested in? We talk about previous sexual experience (or lack thereof) and discuss what we'd like to explore together, areas/activities that are off limits, etc. And then we have fun and focus on making the other person happy.
Sometimes I'm okay with someone more inexperienced. I wouldn't exactly call myself a professional.
Sometimes, I want someone who's been around the block a few more times than me.
99% of the time, I just want someone who makes me feel safe and cared for, regardless of the rest.
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u/Aggressive_Cloud2002 3d ago edited 2d ago
It's not just about sex though...
Edit to elaborate: A lot of people who come out later in life have a lot of internalized homophobia to unpack. You say you mostly just want to feel safe and cared for. Would you feel cared for when you're having to explain why something they just said is a micro-aggression, or outright bigoted? Would you feel safe with them if they felt unsafe or uncomfortable in spaces where everyone else belongs to a minority group?
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u/mgquantitysquared 3d ago
Ok but I honestly hate being someone's first trans partner, like it is a LOT of mental energy just to reassure them they're still [gay/straight/bi] "even though" they're with me 😭 the constant reminders that they don't really view me as a man take such a toll too
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u/FlourishingSolo 3d ago
Yeah, it's rarely just the sex that is the major hangup, it's knowing there is a *ton* of emotional labor that goes on.
And if you're a straight trans person, there is always running the risk of being an egg's first 'dipping their toe in the water' type experience and having them come out. Which is like, great I'm happy they felt safe enough to hatch, but our straight siblings just want to have a relationship, not open up a hatchery.
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u/mgquantitysquared 3d ago
LMAO not the hatchery!! I've had a handful of casual partners come out after we got together, I don't think I could handle it happening over and over with more serious relationships 😭
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u/jpgjordan 3d ago
I just wanna say. People with years of experience can still be trash at sex, and newbies can end up being talented. Personally I'm still taking a chance on anyone who is open.
Not all of this black and white but I understand if it's happened too many times and you wanna protect yourself if you've been burnt.
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u/SausagePotatoes 3d ago
People put off by this post do not have a lot of experience dating.
I'm my boyfriend's first trans girlfriend, but knowing that he's been on dates with other trans women before and been unbothered by it helps me feel a lot safer in our relationship, and less worried he's gonna discover an ick he can't get past and break up.
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u/mshcat 2d ago
The comment section really is "people who are queer and get what oop means" and "people who aren't and think it is only about good sex"
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u/SausagePotatoes 2d ago
People just viewing queerness as some sexual deviance? Why I never 🙂
You're absolutely right
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u/FlashInGotham 3d ago
Look, after it happened a half dozen times in college I literally felt like I needed to put this sign up outside my dorm room.
"Do not make out with me to impress your girlfriend. I will not be your collegiate gay experience to tell your kids about in 20 years after they come out. You must be THIS gay to ride this ride"
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u/Comprehensive_Fly983 3d ago edited 3d ago
Hot take: I feel like community rejection and isolation contributes to compulsory heterosexuality 🫣
I've dated a myriad of people in my life and am sometimes still treated like my experience isn't enough. Thankfully as I get older I'm apt to filtering out those who can't see me for who I am regardless of how many men / women / theybies I've dated. I feel for baby queers it's hard out here.
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u/algebra_dragon 3d ago
As someone who’s come out as queer later in life, I have to say it’s very frustrating to be comparatively inexperienced. I get it; people want people with experience. But it’s pretty discouraging, beyond the ways that dating apps intrinsically are.
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u/Distinct-Crow-1625 3d ago
Same I knew I was bi sense middle school but I've never been with a woman either. And never been in a relationship
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u/CookieManzster 3d ago
Same here. No experience but I've known about my identity since forever. The right opportunity hasn't surfaced :/
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u/Distinct-Crow-1625 2d ago edited 2d ago
Exactly their are people who know about their sexuality just have not had the opportunity rather that's rejection or they live In a place where that's not that many queer people either. That takes time to find as well
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u/-WitchyPoo- 3d ago
I kind of dropped out of the dating pool. It's been a decade. (And change.) I had a woman recently tell me that I'm not gay if I haven't slept with a woman in a decade. I was like "I also haven't slept with a man." and she said that doesn't matter.
Gate keepers be real.
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u/Craving_Suckcess 3d ago
I think that's an understandable standard to hold, frankly,
but it probably feels like absolute shit being on the receiving end of it.
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u/wingeddogs 3d ago
As a trans guy, yeah. Some people don’t get it but when the general public treats me like a freak while I’m visibly in transition, I can’t have a romantic partner who’s ignorant on certain matters
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u/choaticmaster33 3d ago
I'm glad my husband was not one of these people. He was patient and loving and now we're two years married. Plus we had the disadvantage of navigating his family (very Christian and black family that initially was skeptical of their youngest's white boyfriend.)
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u/ScriptLoL 3d ago
As someone that's dating a baby gay, I get it. I love them, but there was a lot to unpack really early on, like the internalized homophobia from being raised catholic, which was difficult for both of us for different reasons.
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u/Distinct-Crow-1625 3d ago
I know this is gonna sound weird I am a baby gay I am still religious ( met other ones who are religious as well ) but I'd still Marry a woman hold hands with a woman etc just like I'd do a man. I've never been with a woman before but I guess i find this odd but also understandable.
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u/ScriptLoL 3d ago
Some people struggle more than others, I guess. My partner struggled with physical affection (like holding hands, kissing, soft touches) afterward, when they were alone and deep in their own head. What's funny is they were the one that used to initiate it.
But, it's a process, and I'm okay with it being a little rough if there's effort and understanding from both sides.
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u/Sunshineal 3d ago
I honestly can agree with this issue after thinking about it. Who wants to someone's experiment if an individual is unsure if they're gay or not? It means the person isn't serious or just experimenting. Then they'll probably go back to being heterosexual. No one wants to invest their time and energy into a person who's still struggling with their sexual identity.
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u/kingshamroc25 4d ago
At a certain age I guess it makes sense, like I’m in my 30’s I probably shouldn’t be dating anyone with zero sexual experience anyways. But it’s kinda unfair to have had your own first ever queer experience and then not double it and give it to the next person
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u/EmberOfFlame 3d ago
It’s the product of a society where nobody has the time to unpack their insecurities. They instead make them part of their identity and go fucking work.
It’s understandable, and really hard to solve if grind culture continues to be a thing.
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u/FerretAfficionado 3d ago
As an adult lesbian that's been out for over 30 years, I have 0 interest in dating a woman of similar age, that has JUST realized they are gay.
I don't think you all understand. When a person has their gay awakening as an adult, they go through a second puberty of sorts. They regress hormonally and emotionally, becoming teenagers again while they get shit sorted out.
NOBODY is interested in dating teenagers, except other teenagers and pedophiles.
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u/Single-Market-4938 3d ago
To be honest, it sounds like the problem isn't the people without experience but the people WITH experience & using whatever they learned from those experiences (whether positive & negative) to determine their preferences. Yall fall to realize that the experiences you had in queer relationships also gave you a certain perspective & seems like some insecurities that makes you feel that way. A person without experience doesn't necessarily have any preconceived notions or any relationship baggage hovering over them.
& all this talk of "well, in college. Women used me as an experiment." Ignoring the fact that everyone in college is experimenting or just not having knowledge on themselves to understand what they're doing.
It sounds like people need therapy more than excluding people.
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u/mshcat 2d ago
The comments are funny. People who are not queer thinking it's just about sexual experience and people who are queer who know it's more than that
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u/LavenWhisper 4h ago
Fr. I'm reading these comments wondering why everyone is only talking about sex when that's not really what the post is about.
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u/alpha3305 3d ago
This is the same way I think about people jumping in ethical non-monogamy. Thinking it's just swinging with guard rails.
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u/SomeDude416 3d ago
A lot of gatekeeping going on in the younger people. Like they need to feel like the gay image is theirs now or something. Difference of the times maybe? But where are folks supposed to get experience with gay relationships if not with other gays?!?!? Gay dating sites full of closeted self loathing republicans and queer hating predators? I know someone who was beaten robbed and left for dead in winter, nearly killed for going on a date from an app. Gay, straight, Bi, it doesn't matter. People are too cruel, and they have become casual about it.
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u/LucastheMystic 3d ago
I'll only fuck a first timer if he's a bottom. Even if he calls himself a top, if he wants to fuck, he needs to know how it feels to bottom before he starts topping.
An inexperienced top is really bad for the sexual ecosystem and I wouldn't subject an inexperienced bottom to them.
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u/ceelogreenicanth 3d ago
To be fair this is what the first three girls I dated out of highschool told me more than a decade ago. Best way I heard it put "I don't want to train you how to be my boyfriend"
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u/smokeyleo13 3d ago
Why would you date someone who hasnt fully figured out if theyre into your gender? Are u surprised people whove already figured this out want to be w others who have?
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u/BaronessVonKush 3d ago
being someones 1st is the worst. that whole 72 virgins when you die sounds like hell to me 😅
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u/DirtyLittlePriincess 🍑👩🏾THICC SUGARBABY👩🏾🍑 2d ago
this but polyamory. i can’t be your first polyam experience. i get it takes time to adjust/unlearn/decide if it’s for you but ive done it twice now and i don’t have the capacity to do it again 🥴😅
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u/Bubbly_Satisfaction2 ☑️ 2d ago
Me, an asexual-aromantic: (reads both tweets)
Funny...Both tweets didn't mention performing acts of sexual intercourse and yet...
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u/RebelWithoutAClue 3d ago
Does masturbating qualify as homosexual?
It's monosexual which should be homo right?
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u/LavenWhisper 4h ago
It's weird how so many comments are only talking about sex and such and also not actually understanding why a queer person who's been dating for a while might not want to be in a relationship with another queer person who never has. Like, they're not just talking about sex. In fact, I would go so far as to say that they are mainly not talking about sex. An important part that a lot of comments seem to be missing is how a queer person who is comfortable in their queerness might find it hard to be with someone who might not be.
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u/iammixedrace 4d ago
Honestly, this is how I feel about the dude that hyper focus on women being virgins.
Like, idk about you, but I want someone who knows how to work a body. I don't need some timid, ticklish insecure about their body partner fumbling around figuring out what they like.