7 years later

[u/RonaldSickenmiecker]

I’ve never been on here but after briefly reading some posts I feel that maybe I could comfort or help some people with direction. I am 24M, I lost my dad when I was 17. It’s hard to even look back and comprehend it all cuz life is so different now. My grandpa died who I spent a lot of time with and the next day my parents told me my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. My siblings are much older and moved out at the time so it was just my parents and I. The cancer worked fast and so did the chemo, he was a shell of himself within a few months and then had some infections etc. by month 5 he was barely walking and he had to go to rehab place to get stronger but got out and came home to me and my mom and died that night. I found him on the floor that morning. I would say that day started a 7 year journey that has been all over the fucking place. That morning froze my emotions, nervous system etc. I never cried because I felt like I had to be strong in front of my mom. My siblings and I never really talked much about it because my family just doesn’t talk about emotions. I went through all kinds of grieving completely unaware. I truly believe it didn’t affect me. I got right back to business and just worked out a lot and believed I’m a man and I’m strong and these things happen. Clearly in denial for about a year before going to college…college would be where I think the grief of fear/anger/ and sadness really started to bleed through me. I started drinking with my friends and eventually got introduced to Coke. Looking back, this makes a lot of sense to me now. I was around guys who were in similar hard times and I spent about 5-6 years (2 years after college I was working and lived in a huge city) just 3 days a week blacking out and snorting coke. This was absolutely hell, I would tell myself constantly that I had to stop but I kept falling into this cycle. I also kind of believe that I deserved it because of what happened to me it made me tough and this is how life is for me now. I made good money, I graduated college in 4 years. I was successful but hiding how messed up I was. You could see in photos how much weight I gained in those years but people aren’t paying much attention. It wasn’t until a life decision I made (moved across country for a job) that I realized I’ve been running for six years from all this pain. This was a year ago and the past year I’ve been processing all of this stuff and can now clearly see and that’s why I really hope some other people can read and not feel alone. I gained about 60lbs in those years and was nowhere near who I should’ve been but I’ve lost it all now, and processed the grief and forgiven him and myself. This is crucial for the process. This post might be scattered but I find that looking back at the time, I was just a kid and that loss opened me up to so much darkness that I wish that kid didn’t go through. Obviously I mentioned the drinking etc but those kind of nights lead you to other places you just shouldn’t ever go to. Also don’t expect other people to understand or even expect your family to ever truly grieve. The hardest part for me was realizing my siblings couldn’t grieve it and how my family will never be the same. There’s nothing you can do about it. I’d say 6 months ago I realized that the real emotion now for me is that I want to give back to my future family. I’m already successful at my age and know I’ll be much more successful, but the thing that keeps me going deep down is that I would never want my kids to have to deal with what I did (I don’t truly have control over that) but doing all the inner work and going through these hard things and coming out on the other side has just made me want to be fully 100% present for my future children and wife etc. it sounds kind of crazy but these days I couldn’t imagine a different life than I’ve had and I’m very thankfulf but those hard years allowed me to get to be someone that couldn’t be manufactured through self help etc. I miss my father deeply but he’s not coming back and the pain of all that has to be accepted and re-directed. I’m not sure what my main point is, but I would want someone else to know that it can get really bad and still be really good.

[u/Repulsive-Sky-2011]

Thank for sharing your story. I am extremely sorry for your loss. In a few days it will be 2 years since I lost my dad.
I can relate to a lot of the things you went through in the beginning and your story gave me hope. Thank you for that.

All the best

[u/TrivialEmbodiment → u/Repulsive-Sky-2011]

That morning finding him set a lot of things in motion you didnt even realize at the time. The forced strength thing is so common, you bottle it up and it finds its own way out later. Coke and blackout drinking is that grief leaking sideways, it's not a moral failing it's just what happens when you never let yourself actually feel it.

The part about your siblings not being able to grieve and the family never being the same, that's the quiet devastation nobody warns you about. You can't fix it and you can't make people talk, you just carry that loss on your own and slowly make peace with it.

Wild how you turned it into wanting to be fully present for your future family. That's not crazy at all, that's exactly what breaking a cycle looks like.