r/Christianity • u/Excellent-Recipe3119 • 14h ago
Advice How do I F24 go about handling a difference in intimacy desires with my husband M25?
Hi. I’m new to Reddit but feel like this is the only place in which I can express my feelings and get unbiased feedback.
I F24 have been married to my husband M25 for 18 months. We met in college at a Christian club as Faith is really important to both of us. We only dated for 6 months before our engagement but it took 16 months before we had our dream wedding. Throughout our dating time and our engagement we didn’t live together and practiced abstinence as we both wanted to save ourselves until marriage.
The night of our wedding we did the deed and although it didn’t last long it was awesome. The issue that I am having now is that we have been married for 18 months and have done the deed a total of 13 times including our wedding night and our honeymoon. Even if I initiate which I try to do often he tells me “not tonight” or “I’m not in the mood for that.” I have gone to lengths that I don’t want to share to try and increase our intimacy life. I don’t feel desired or wanted and it hurts.
Recently I shared my feelings with him and he shared that although he is attracted to me on many levels he just doesn’t enjoy intimacy as much as he thought he would and that can go a long period of not wanting it at all. He said he enjoys when we shower together and that is all he needs but that sucks because there isn’t even any touching most of the time.
I love my husband but I am unsure on how to handle this. I don’t feel desired and wanted.
Any advice would be great, sorry for the novel:)
TL;DR how do I handle our intimacy disconnect?
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u/Constant-Park8184 13h ago
I’m kinda in the same boat as you rn (f25, my husband m24). We’ve been married for 2.5 yrs. It honestly feels like such a rejection all the time! I’m sorry you’re going through this. As others have said, I really recommend couples counseling. Having a mediator is invaluable. I really truly believe that talking these things out can help both of you feel more understood, comfortable, and ultimately find ways to help the other feel more loved and wanted. Praying for you girl
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u/Christianity-ModTeam 11h ago
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12h ago
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u/Practical_Fee_3430 12h ago
That isn’t trolling. A lot of unlicensed Christian counselors do not know what they are doing and oftentimes just do everything possible to keep a couple in a marriage because they want to avoid divorce.
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u/michalismenten 11h ago
Except that guy was commenting the same thing on comments that recommended using a licensed secular marriage counselor.
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u/telecustardchaos 13h ago
This reminds me of my cousin that came out as gay after trying to be married twice to women. Not saying that is the case, just reading the story reminded me of that.
Since marriage is a two way street, intimacy should be desired on both sides.
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u/candidsounds 5h ago
First, I'm sorry you're having this problem... it is very serious. He needs to understand how serious it is - he's literally putting your marriage in jeopardy. (Not suggesting you get a divorce, btw). I'm thinking that it's one of the following:
- He has some sort of past trauma that is keeping him from enjoying sex (i.e. - he was molested).
- He was/is addicted to porn and the real thing is too intimate.
- He is gay.
- There is some other reason. Physical condition? Fear of fatherhood? Fear of failure? I dunno.
No matter what, you both have to be willing to discuss it in an honest and candid way with, both each other and a professional (whether in the church or secular) or things will continue to get worse. And pray, pray, pray.
Wishing you the best...
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u/Sylsfear 4h ago
Man. Leave porn out of it. I can wack off everyday and still give the wife everything she wants and more.
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u/AcademicAd3504 3h ago
You might not be addicted to it? Or you might be one of few who doesn't suffer intimacy problems from it? All you need to do is go to r/askmenadvice which is secular and a lot of them there suggest stopping porn when they have intimacy issues.
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u/yetetigre 14h ago
Make sure he’s not addicted to porn and satisfying himself so he’s not interested in the real thing with you.
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u/Lonely-Teaching-8805 7h ago
My initial thoughts went there also, after counseling couples for well over 20 years. It's not always the case, but these days it's very common.
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u/Excellent-Recipe3119 14h ago
Thanks!
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u/sardnaxelam 13h ago edited 9h ago
I came to the comments section to the say the same thing. I was in your shoes…. Could’ve wrote the post myself. The issue — a long term porn addiction he thought marriage would magically make go away and was too ashamed to admit and I was too naive to see.
I’m not wanting to throw this on you nor falsely accuse him…. However I’d bet a lot that he is addicted to porn and masturbating and that has rewired his brain and taken away his desire for sex with his wife that he loves.
Dm me if you’d like.0
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u/JayMag23 Church of God 13h ago
Porn addiction can corrupt or replace real intimacy between couples.
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u/Lyo-lyok_student Argonautica could be real 13h ago
There could be a whole host of reasons.
Has he had a physical?
Is he masturbating in between because of religious guilt? He can't ask you to do what he really wants?
Is there anything that does arouse him?
It could just be he's more asexual, and this is the way it will be. If he's unwilling to work with you, then you'll have to decide what to do.
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u/ThanksForTheFish_111 13h ago
He might have low testosterone levels. A blood test will confirm. I have read that many younger men are being treated with TRT now.
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u/HatchetJackson 12h ago
Therapy or maybe a book to read together to help engage meaning of what sex means to him.
7 principles to make marriage work -gottman.
The great sex rescue by gregoire.
Sex talk you never got- joleman
Unwanted, then desire by stringer
Make sense of your story by Adam young.
Landscapes of the soul by Holcomb
Dan Allender books as well deep rooted marriage.
Just gave a library but starting somewhere and seeking intimacy through connection and meaning could be a start.
Purity culture takes a lot to unwind as “now we can have sex” or “sex is dirty or wrong”. What sex means to both of you and the impact and baggage of your stories could be affecting your marriage in this way.
Continue to be curious
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u/tonedad77 6h ago
Those are great books, for sure. But without the accountability of a third party they'll just give information which will add give definition to the pain. Speaking from experience. It's been almost 15 years for me now. While I've had to give up on the marriage, I can't leave as I don't want my kids to be alone with my (I learned far too late) very emotionally unhealthy spouse. Is divorce wrong? Sure. So is abondonment and not keeping vows and gaslighting. You have agency and God cares about your heart (and his) much more than the checking of a box. Get as healthy as YOU can for your own sake. Invite them into YOUR life. If they won't come with you, and you don't have kids yet, get out while you can. Life is too long to suffer through this otherwise. I wish we could have fixed it. She was unwilling / unable. I wish I could have left. Here we are. You have time to possibly fix it or possibly leave. Don't linger for either. For either of your sake.
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u/michaelY1968 11h ago
u/Mordecai_Gist - you seem to be commenting in a support thread simply to troll and rile people up. If you have nothing helpful to add, please refrain from commenting. This is your first official warning, three warnings will result in a ban.
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u/Christianity-ModTeam 11h ago
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u/michaelY1968 11h ago
As I said, if you have nothing helpful to add to a support thread, please step away.
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u/AmosOfTekoa Christian 14h ago
It sounds like he's taking a very selfish approach to it, where his willingness is about how much he gets out of it and what he needs, not wanting you to get something out of it and what you need.
Maybe it's personal prejudice, but this feels like somebody distracted by video games instead of spending time with you in sub-sexual intimacy. Perhaps increasing that, and the communication, would help?
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u/AmosOfTekoa Christian 14h ago
Depending on how it was presented? Yes. Same for your question about being gay to the other person. Though nothing here indicates that to me it's definitely a possibility. Similarly for issues about stress, expectations, or a hundred other things that can lead to lack of libido.
I certainly wouldn't just presume that a young married couple has their shit all sorted out well enough to know that this is their "true selves" when lack of libido at that age is an abnormal thing.
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u/AmosOfTekoa Christian 14h ago
And maybe they just need to work through this, communicating better and learning to love each other more and in different ways.
"Just get divorced" is such cheap, shitty, useless, and fatalist advice that it's not worth sharing.
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u/Christianity-ModTeam 12h ago
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u/NovelTypical1500 1h ago
Don't bring your own biasses here please. I play video games too that would never stop me or any man that loves his wife from enjoying intimacy. That was a crazy comment.
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u/Fearless_Spring5611 Committing the sin of empathy 13h ago
Some people just have different levels of sex drive. This is, unfortunately, the gamble you take when you don't explore sexual compatibility prior to marriage, and unless there is something more deep-rooted he feels he needs to explore, you have to accept he is not enjoying intimacy as much as you are.
It will be up to you to work out whether this is a marriage you want to remain in.
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u/Lonely-Teaching-8805 8h ago
Wow, so your advice is she should have had premarital sex and should now consider a divorce?
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u/Minimum-Question3101 4h ago
Yes, that is the unbiblical advice they are giving with full confidence and no shame.
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u/Practical_Fee_3430 12h ago
I’ve been here with a partner. It’s truly awful and sucks.
Get therapy for yourself.
Get therapy with a non-religious couples counselor. I am a practicing Catholic so I am not anti religion. But religious therapists tend to just end up offering spiritual direction which isn’t what you need. Go to someone who is focused on mending the natural human relationship between you two.
Also if the first time and all other times were quick then maybe he has anxiety. Get him on blue chew.
As someone else pointed out, it might be that he is gay.
I am really sorry. This does suck. All the best.
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u/SeldomScene Christian (Cross) 5h ago
He’s gay, has low T, or a porn addiction. My bet is a porn addiction.
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u/Buysiderr 12h ago
He’s likely addicted to porn. A large majority of younger men are. I would bet that’s the reason 70%+ of the time when I see posts like this.
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u/GmamaC96 11h ago
Counseling can help, he needs to hear about your needs as well. Sex isnt always mutually beneficial each time but that has to be communicated and he needs to be able to hear it. My husband and I are often both in the mood but occasionally one desires it more than the other and we talk about whether we are too tired or hey this is an urge I really need satisfied right now- and if thats the case we make sure the person asking gets what they need even if its foreplay, only involves toys or is just a quickie and not "intimacy". God designed sex for marriage and while we can go without sometimes we also shouldn't withhold from one another to give opportunity for temptation. Your husband needs to understand that. If he cannot hear it from you perhaps marriage Counseling or from a mentor/friend he respects that he can talk to about it. Also, getting hormones checked as someone else mentioned is a great idea. That can sometimes play a role in libido. As can stress, or weight. My husband and I both have lost weight recently and man. Both of our drives have gone up. Hope that helps.
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u/ConfidenceOk5448 9h ago
Is that something talked about before marriage? Unless there's some other issue it might just be a difference in desire / wanting it. Everyone is different. Typically it's the man who wants it more. Therapy will probably help.
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u/pro_rege_semper 7h ago
Seems like this is a fairly normal thing for couples to work through, as we all have a different sex drive and libido. I sympathize though, it can be very frustrating.
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u/weggaan_weggaat Seventh-day Adventist 6h ago
Just checking to make sure I understand, are you saying that he doesn't really want to participate in any sort of intimate time together or just not penetration?
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u/AngelaSLP 5h ago edited 5h ago
Has he had labs run to check testosterone levels? If he is low T, he will be physically tired a lot, low libido, have trouble building muscle mass etc. also, porn and/or masturbation can cause huge problems. Porn use Will 100% poison a man’s eyes/mind against his wife.
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u/ZookeepergameFar2653 4h ago
Not everyone is sex driven. He sounds like he’s not. BUT marriage is not just about him. It’s about you too. So you guys have to work together to figure out how to have sex more frequently bc that’s the only thing that is fair here. Figure out what your bare minimum is and set that as the goal.
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u/RCaHuman Secular Humanist (raised Catholic) 3h ago
Although it's too late for you, I'd advise others: If you want to get a driver's license then practice driving before the test. The car might have a standard transmission and you need an automatic.
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u/SlightAttitude143 3h ago
Is he a high testosterone man? Does he do man shit? Does he eat eggs and meat? Clean diet? Is he fat and over weight?
Are you overweight? Health is a factor here maybe
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u/NovelTypical1500 2h ago
I hate these types of problems but they happen. But every man is different. I find it odd even with low drive as newlyweds. Most newlyweds doing it everywhere on everything. It's partly why they call it the honeymoon stage.
I am weary of giving advice but my first would be medical. Does he have Low testosterone. It's a serious issue in today's men usually older but it can happen any time.
Is he engaging in porn.. porn sales you a fantasy of a woman not a realistic ideal. The fantasy is every woman orgasms 27 times a day and every man has a baseball bat level organ that also gives men self esteem issues thinking they are not big enough.
If that isn't the issue. Look at yourself. Do you think if you worked out. Lost weight or are you already in fit shape. I don't want to put weight on you but I am being objective.
Does he see sex as dirty because of past abuse or trauma he's not told you ? The issues you can fix with your body are easiest but trauma is going to take a lot of time in prayer.
Do you have a Christian elder you can ask about this a woman who's been married long enough and has the spiritual wisdom to help you and you know she can be trusted.
I would ask him. Babe I want to look my best for you if I start working out will you work out with me and when your fit unless he really has low testosterone I wouldn't think he'd be able to stop from having to have you multiple times a day.
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u/Pittsburghchic 1h ago
Dear OP, this is Not a Christian sub. It’s a sub to debate the pros & cons of Christianity, so about half the participants are atheists.
But like others have said, seek therapy. Most pastors have very little training in counseling and probably none in this area.
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u/Lonely-Teaching-8805 7h ago edited 7h ago
Since you're new to Reddit, you need to know this sub isn't set up for Christians per se. It is a sub to discuss the religion of Christianity. Most of the people here are either atheists, agnostics, secular humanists, or "progressive Christians." Many of which tear down the Bible and hate fundamental and Evangelical Christianity.
Reddit is also one of the most censored social media platforms on the internet. Christians who adhere to God's Word and believe the Bible is God's Word usually don't last long on Reddit before they are banned from commenting.
With that said, your husband really needs to meditate on this scripture.
1 Cor 7:3-5 NASB The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise the wife also to her husband. 4. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband also does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Just like the rest of us humans, your husband is focused on himself. He responded the wrong way when you told him your drive is not being met. He talked about himself.
Marriage is mainly giving up ourselves to be one together. One of the best ways he can love you is to enthusiastically "serve you" when he doesn't initially feel like it and to keep your needs in mind rather than his own.
It's easier said than done, but if he makes an effort I'm sure he could do much better in this area.
If he was to blow off what God says, then I would see if he would be willing to talk to one of the ministers at your church. Hopefully, it's a Bible believing church who will give him the Word of God and encourage him to obey it.
I've been in ministry for 33 years and a pastor for 23 years. Your situation is not uncommon. Most often it's the other way around. Usually it's the female that has the lower sex drive. I have seen a few times where it's the male.
Lastly, I hate to mention it, but I have seen this situation before where the male was addicted to pornography and masturbation, and the wife did not know it.
Sex is mostly mental. Healthy marital sex can't live up to what an immoral or perverted addiction requires. Normal women can't do the things professional pornstars condition themselves and prepare themselves to do. I've seen some women go so far as to try to be like the pornstars for their husbands, or even watch pornography with them. It ALWAYS turns out bad. Lusting after people we are not married to is adultery, plain and simple. There are always consequences for that.
I hope your husband is not wasting his drive elsewhere.
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u/Excellent-Recipe3119 14h ago
What do you mean by that?
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u/Excellent-Recipe3119 14h ago
I don’t think I can do that. That sounds like a horrible marriage
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u/Rocktamus1 12h ago
Your entire line of thinking is absolutely horrible. Just sucking it up isn’t the right thing to do.
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u/Last-Ground-8113 9h ago
No os neguéis el uno al otro dice la Biblia, ya que ambos sois cristianos, el está incumpliendo lo que prometió delante de Dios cuando se casaron, así que si decides divorciarte, que es lo más sensato, estás en tu derecho, el parece que tiene otros gustos
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u/Niftyrat_Specialist Non-denominational heretic, reformed 14h ago
I'd recommend he talk to a qualified professional counselor.
I'm no pro, but some ideas of suggestions: Maybe he's gay, but hopefully it's some problem that can be worked on instead. Does he not care about giving you orgasms, or does he maybe not know that's a thing he should be doing? What does he like about showering together? Maybe you can start there?
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u/Excellent-Recipe3119 14h ago
Thanks for your comment. I don’t feel comfortable replying to your question in detail in the comments. Sorry
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u/Niftyrat_Specialist Non-denominational heretic, reformed 13h ago
No worries at all! Totally understand not wanting to go into detail with strangers on the internet. So forget telling other people: if you and he contemplate those questions, that might help.
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u/Mordecai_Gist 14h ago
If this was the other way around, a young husband frustrated that his wife wasn't as interested in sex as he, would you suggest that she was gay?
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u/Lyo-lyok_student Argonautica could be real 14h ago
Unfortunately, there is a possibility that it's true, especially from certain Christian denominations.
There's no reason not to explore all possibilities.
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u/Potential-Ostrich-82 Christian 14h ago
Suggesting that he might be gay is inappropriate to the conversation, not to mention completely unfounded.
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u/Niftyrat_Specialist Non-denominational heretic, reformed 14h ago
Understanding the cause of a problem is not useful for solving the problem? I gotta disagree with you there.
It's actually a fairly common thing. Met in a Christian club, oddly uninterested in sex with his wife. Him being gay and having been taught taught to repress it is a very plausible possibility, worth investigating. It's something I'd expect a counselor to explore.
I would guess you're an anti-gay crusader and that is motivating your stance here. I'm not one, though.
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u/Potential-Ostrich-82 Christian 13h ago edited 13h ago
"I would guess you're an anti-gay crusader and that is motivating your stance here. I'm not one, though." That's presumptuous and based on nothing that I've said. Homosexuality is none of my business, apart from treating those who appear or present themselves as such with the same civility I demonstrate towards anyone else.
Is being gay ever the first suggestion when a woman is uninterested in sex in her marriage? Women having a lack of interest in sex in marriage is far more common than it is for men, and I've yet to hear the suggestion that a woman is a lesbian because she is lacking the desire to sleep with her husband. That would be misogyny. Consider that this might be a double standard in your thinking.
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u/Stock_Padawan 14h ago
Does he have any health conditions or life style habits/differences that could lead to low romantic interest in you? Low testosterone, porn addiction, sexual interest in a category you don’t fall into are all common issues.
If it isn’t lifestyle/health related, you two could just be mismatched. It’s one of the risks you take when saving yourself for marriage. You could explore outside options based on both your comfort levels, but you could be out of luck. Even if you can convince him to be more intimate for your sake, will that satisfy you if you know he’s only going through the motions?
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u/Excellent-Recipe3119 14h ago
Thanks. It just hurts not feeling desired and wanted
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u/Excellent-Recipe3119 14h ago
We were saving ourselves. We talked about sex while dating and he seemed very interested once we are married
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u/justnigel Christian 10h ago
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u/Stock_Padawan 14h ago
It’s a major part of a healthy relationship. Do what you can to work towards a happy medium. Couples counselling, medical testing and a life coach could all work wonders. If you can’t fix it, you may need to decide if this is the kind of marriage you want to be in. I have a highschool friend who lasted 7 years before his girlfriend came out asexual. My sister in law lasted around 15 years before she divorced her husband(he was similar to your husband).
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u/timtucker_com 10h ago
On the medical front, also look at the potential side effects for any medications that he's on.
As an example, when I was on statins I lost motivation to do much of anything -- turns out some can affect dopamine levels.
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u/sardnaxelam 13h ago
It does hurt! Your emotions are valued. And to be clear this is his sexual intimacy problem not yours. It’s not your fault!!!!!!! I can’t stress that enough.
I’m sorry for all the unhelpful comments saying you should’ve just had sex and lived together beforehand.
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u/Smooth-Week-505 9h ago
So nearly once a month isn't enough for you? You do know that sex is meant for procreation and not for fun right?
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u/Lonely-Teaching-8805 5h ago
Just in case you're being serious, where does the Bible say anything similar to that?
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u/Jedi_Dad_22 Christian 14h ago
Couples therapy.
Many modern churches are completely understanding of this situation and have counseling for this.
You can also see a certified professional counselor.