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u/cem2256 14h ago edited 14h ago
Depends very much on the kids and their ages.
My 10 year old son started weaping and begged us not to sell the house and was worried where he’d put his legos.
My 7 year old daughter said “Well, this is kinda sad but now I can get that guinea pig I’ve always wanted and maybe the new house will have a pool!”
Kids are human with their own personalities and needs.
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u/Familiar-Zombie2481 12h ago
Similar. My 10yo burst into tears because his friends with split parents have mums and dads that hate each other. Sadly, that’s what’s happened here too. But two years later and he gets on with it.
My 7 yo was buoyed by the idea of having two houses. He’s now the one that suffers the most. He hates the transition and has become extremely clingy. I enjoy the closeness, but worry for him.
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u/unlovable1000 14h ago
Usually after cheating there's nothing you can do to fix things. Your child might be ok they may act out and despise you. Your wife has given you 2 children and her loyalty give her respect and tell her. Sometimes intimacy issues can be worked out, but it's to late for that now. I would go to your wife and tell her so the kids can be told together by both at once they may take it better and probably reflect less blame on one parent.
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u/Rare-Smoke9944 10h ago
In completely understand. But you haven’t figured into account NOT being available for Years as well. She has to know
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u/Relevant-Squash8575 14h ago
you're already cheating, the kids will figure it out faster than you think and they won't care about your excuses
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u/newlife4567 11h ago
Do not cheat. Do not. Divorce your wife honorably, settle your kids, then start the new relationship six months after you tell the kids. Your high schoolers will be old enough to realize you cheated. They may not say anything while they’re minors, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect them, it means it doesn’t feel safe to say anything.
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u/Rare-Smoke9944 10h ago
I think this is great advice….had I not found someone. And had my wife bothered to be intimate for a huge stretch of time. I didn’t actively seek it out…it found me. And I was willing because of the lack of intimacy at home. Cheating is a relative term imo
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u/Familiar-Zombie2481 11h ago
No matter what we say about that relationship not working, you’re still going to try. Don’t mess things up more by trying to go back to your wife after.
You will think the kids are fine, but one day they’ll know what you did. Can you live with letting them down like that?
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u/Rare-Smoke9944 10h ago
Did I really let them down? By being happy with someone else? Maybe they’ll see that as a positive? You chose to be happy rather than stuck with a person who wasn’t right for you. I think it’s a narrative that can be accepted frankly
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u/Any-Republic-4269 10h ago
Unfortunately you can't know how things will pan out. This is not a criticism, but cheaters tend to look for justification for their actions - unfortunately this doesn't make it any less painful or horrible for the person cheated on, whose whole world is just about to be blown apart
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u/Familiar-Zombie2481 9h ago
Being happy with someone else isn’t the problem. Cheating and disrespecting your family is what I’m pointing to.
You won’t get the validation you seek, here. For that, you’ll have to keep lying to yourself.
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u/raeoflyte-460 9h ago
My older teen left immediately when we told them and the younger child followed. Older child wouldn't look or speak to us and wouldn't eat anything I made or bought. And that was just run of the mill we're not compatible. If it was because one of us cheated I'm not sure if they would have ever come around to that parent.
But because you couldn't keep it in your pants for 1 more week - seriously- just go home, tell wife its over, start the divorce process and then fuck the new person! You are only left with shitty options. Keep lying waiting to get caught or ask for the divorce now and hope the kids dont put the timing together. And that wife doesn't tell them.which I will say is unlikely if this sub is like most people.
Regardless of your wifes part in your marriage youve removed all culpability by cheating and being so grossly cavalier about it. You fucked up. You have betrayed your wife which you dont seem to care about but youve made a bad situation so much harder for your kids. Take accountability. Stop blaming her for your actions. Be fair and honest with the divorce. Be better.
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u/MilaRose82 3h ago
Love the attitude that I was gonna leave anyway…why didn’t you? If your bedroom is dead, something didn’t work for her either and rather than getting curious and fixing it, now that you have a plan B, you feel righteous in leaving her now. You could have done the favor many years ago when it would have been equally tough. But since you can’t emotionally handle being alone, you waited for a chew toy before leaving her alone. Tell yourself whatever that helps you sleep at night. From my experience men like you do sleep peacefully because they are too concerned with their own wellbeing to care how their actions impact others. At the end of the day, the kids grow up and will see the situation exactly as it is. A dad who abandoned their mom the minute he found a new supply to boost his ego. The honorable thing would have been to divorce before someone else had entered the picture. It’s ok to leave an unhappy marriage. It’s not ok to have a spare tire ready to go and leave the other person in the middle of nowhere.
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u/40fnolongercares 13h ago
One thing that I highly recommend is showing some accountability. You seem very dismissive. You were thinking of ending it years ago - but didn't. You choose to stay.
You choose to cheat. You choose to hurt those around you. Own that.
Doesn't matter what was wrong in your marriage - cheating should never be an option.
Be honest with your kids and don't try and shift the blame. You made this choice and now you need to show some maturity and own up to it.