Video assignment has me spiraling

[u/bestbeefarm]

I'm doing grad school and transition simultaneously because there's something wrong with me and I'm currently trying to work on an assignment that involves watching myself on video over and over again and I knew it would be bad but it's so bad. My voice has always been fraught for me, even before I knew I was trans or before I knew I wanted to transition. It's really high. Even after almost three months on T it's really high. I mostly try not to think about how other people see me because it's really easy for me to go crazy about it, but now I have to hear my voice over and over and I can't stop thinking about how every time I talk that's what people hear. How could I expect anyone to hear my voice and see me as anything other than a woman. I never want to speak again. I know my voice will probably get lower at some point and if not there's voice training and whatever but that doesn't do anything for me right now. I've been procrastinating on this assignment for two weeks because I knew it would really upset me and so now I have made myself a horrible mess out of timelines and dysphoria and misery and it's making me want to drop out of school.

Edit: okay everyone it's done. Thank you all for your help it was really helpful and I feel a lot less crazy and less alone. If I pull off a c+ I will be thrilled.

[u/plantsplantsplaaants]

Would it be possible to do the assignment with a video of someone else? If so, you should talk to your professor about it. Unless they’re a jerk it seems like a reasonable accommodation because dysphoria sucks

[u/bestbeefarm → u/plantsplantsplaaants]

Unfortunately it definitely would not. It's also due Thursday so I've kind of screwed myself in terms of accommodations.

[u/Nocturnal_Elexir_Owl → u/bestbeefarm]

What is the assessment about? Because winging it and BS your way though the assignment is always an option. 

[u/formerprofcurrentcog → u/bestbeefarm]

You'd be surprised at how often extensions can be granted. Are there office hours where you can have a private conversation with the professor? Do you have a relationship with them? If I had a student level with me and say they didn't expect the distress to be so intense and that it wasn't a matter of poor time management but rather of psychological need to strategize an alternative, I would hear them out. But you're the best judge on the assignment and if the instructor seems amenable/trustworthy with issues of diversity.

Regardless, try not to internalize this to mean you can't do the degree overall. Grad school is stressful and transition is stressful. The stress can make everything feel doomed when it's not, so don't make any big decisions right now and do what you can to get some support.

[u/oddletters]

hey there, im a professor in the humanities, i transitioned after i defended/got a job. it was a choice constrained by a bunch of things, but i do often wish i had transitioned during grad school instead of after. depending on your field, you might be speaking in front of people a lot in the next few years, particularly if you are in a seminars+conference presentation field. i dont really have advice for you here other than: it sucks, im sorry; if you want what you came to grad school to get, you need to push through it.

the good news is literally no one will remember what your voice sounded like in grad school. i was terrified the first time i was going to see people i knew in grad school after i had been on t for a few years bc i was sure they'd be fucking weird about it. and no one was! they were all just happy to see me and wanted to hear about my work, because we're all fucking nerds.

please talk to your advisor if this is fucking up your timelines. they're there to help you and they cant help you if they dont know whats wrong. im sorry, this sucks, both these processes (grad school and transtion) are necessary and important, and you've got both of them.

feel free to dm me if i can be of any help.

[u/vegetabledevil]

As a professor, I would never want my assignment to cause this kind of distress and would always be happy to grant an extension, regardless of the deadline. I know not every professor is like this and you're worried it's too late, but I would definitely consider asking for an alternative anyway.

[u/thambos]

Take a deep breath.

You can get this done and not have to watch the video again after it’s over. If you don’t have to listen to it each time, maybe you can put it on mute to watch for body language etc. (I assume this is a counseling type program, where you watch recordings of yourself to see how you can improve?)

Try not to worry about how others perceive you. I recognize I’m on a different timeline than other folks here since I transitioned in my early 20s, but there will come a time when most people in your life have never heard your pre-T voice or don’t remember it. This early part goes by quickly in the grand scheme of things. In the meantime, it sounds like you’re in a good place where people will respect you even as you’re early in transition.

You can do this!

[u/BaldEagle_Bearer]

There’s a reason I hate online classes. I am also in graduate school considering starting T, but afraid of others’ reactions if they notice, how do you deal with it?

[u/bestbeefarm → u/BaldEagle_Bearer]

This is an in person class because I refuse to subject myself to online classes. I can barely stand zoom therapy. It's honestly gotten so much worse since I stopped gaslighting myself out of calling it dysphoria. Like now I actually feel the whole thing instead of constantly chopping it into tiny pieces.

I'm in a very trans-friendly field and program and location so that helps. And then, I've been more or less out as nonbinary since before I started school. I've always given any as my pronouns, I go by a genderless nickname, etc. No one has said anything to me yet about hormones or gender in general, but I also don't think anything has happened that anyone else would notice.

[u/BaldEagle_Bearer → u/bestbeefarm]

Thanks for the info. And I really feel you. I’ve presented as nonbinary for almost my whole life, so even after I realized I was trans years ago, I didn’t think I experienced that much dysphoria about a lot of things. For example, I avoided mirrors and photos since I was a teenager, but I genuinely thought I just didn’t like myself, regardless of gender.
Recently, I’ve realized that a lot of the things I’ve felt uncomfortable with throughout my life were much more deeply rooted in gender dysphoria than I ever thought. And realizing that has made everything feel worse, almost unbearable. But my life is unstable so I still struggle with whether I should start on T.

[u/formerprofcurrentcog]

Hey there. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

First of all, I want to interrupt that thought that something is wrong with you for doing grad and transition at the same time, because there is no "good time", honestly. I waited to transition until after I finished my PhD, and I can't tell you how many times I felt stupid for not doing it during school when I had so many more social supports and university resources. After grad, I had to start new employment in a new career without the flexible time, and all my accomplishments were in the wrong name, etc... I think no matter what there just isn't a "right" time as an adult. You just gotta get through it.

Second, I went on T and had my voice dropping while teaching part-time and doing lectures. I had to record some for posting online. Felt like a trial by fire.

The good news is that it's not going to always feel this way. Something that helped me personally was to think of it as a record of my voice changes and as practice for developing some "social callouses" around transitioning. But in the long run, it's not going to always feel this way. 🫂

[u/Whole_Sort_5206]

Would it be possible to drop the class and retake it later? Or drop the class and take another class in its place? You’re not going to learn a thing like this. Or can you take a zero on this assignment and still pass the class?

Or, if you’re ever going to bullshit your way to a passing grade, now’s the time. Like I said, it sounds like the ship of learning something has already passed so now is the time to do damage control. Get a friend to watch it for you and give you feedback, and write the assignment based on their feedback. Quit watching and write it based on what you have already watched. Or make shit up based on your knowledge on the topic and what the assignment should look like. But for gods sake, stop watching the videos because it’s making you spiral. One bullshit assignment is not going to ruin your academic career as long as you bullshit honestly. This is similar to the “I didn’t read the book but I have an essay due tomorrow” situation. Find another way to write the essay because you can’t humanly read the book.

If passing is not possible, then talk to the prof before failing the class.

[u/thrust_velocity_]

I had to do quite a bit of this in school and I wasn't transitioning yet, but I already hated seeing and hearing myself. I never look in mirrors or window reflections either.

But I told myself: this is school and I need this because without this work, this degree? That transition doesn't matter, because I won't have the money for it.

What I did:
1) Compartmentalize the assignment in action and my emotional responses, I can handle those emotions later
2) Short bursts of exposure to myself on film
3) Remember my goal : graduating. In any goal there is discomfort, but discomfort is temporary.
4) and when the emotions hit (because it will hit) - accept them, feel them, sit down and remember it will pass
5) Repeat.

When 4 happens, sit there with those feelings. They exist and it sucks, but we aren't going to box them up. What we're going to do is do the things that lift your spirits. Vent to someone who cares about you. Talk it through at therapy. Go for a walk or some activity you like doing. But absolutely do not box it up and stuff it away. Our feelings are apart of us and when denied, they'll present forefold in the future.

And also, discomfort is normal. But at any step when you start to spiral? That is the signal to go straight to 4.

^{sorry, repost bc i pressed done when i wasn't lol}

[u/Splendafarts]

Are you editing a video? Or are you just looking for a transcript? Cause if it’s the latter you could always use a transcription service so you could read instead of listen. Maybe even with the video you could use a subtitle thing.

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[u/Unusual-Asshole]

Hey I'm transitioning DURING grad school too right now, and my voice is already dropping so it's crazy. It's fine, nobody really cares all that much in grad school and people are already aware of the existence of trans people somewhere.

You can fs ask for some accommodation if it's really getting difficult for you, or maybe you can edit your voice to something deeper once you're done with the video. A lot of options there

[u/daylightmonster]

pitch down your audio track 1-2 semitones in audacity and edit/rewatch your video that way ? if you have to submit the video you can probably get away with pitching it down 1 semitone without anyone noticing but it'll sound better to you.

[u/teddy_kyujo]

Completely rational fear to have and very common too. This is not to invalidate, but rather encourage with empathy. My 10 year T-versary is Friday. I have been recalling what my first 3 months were like and I know all too well what youve described. I have a couple suggestions and 1 piece of unsolicited (or solicited since you posted on a semi public forum) advice. I dont know you personally but the only way I know how to unravel the spiral is to get out of your head and into your body. Transitioning isnt just about your body, its a state of mind, its an effort to align or realign the head body and spirit. Theres some ugly stuff many of us come face to face with, if you're willing to let go of what you cant change and keep the courage to change what you can. The self hatred is a plague in our society, particularly that of anything associated with feminine or female, one thing and the only thing you take the mantle on is refusing that self hatred a cancerous haven in your life. Listen to your self talk. One thing my spouse and I say to each other when the other says something derogatory outlook about ourselves is to defend our best friend from the energy draining negative self hatred talk. "Hey! Don't talk about my BFF, SO etc!" Its ridiculous but so true. I go for early morning walks before light out or dusk in a safe area. It has allowed me safety from nosey on lockers and allows me to be at ease and completely free in movement.... if you're medicating with cannabis I recommend a break. Exercise hits your bodies natural cannibinoid receptors. And the best benefit of all is if you're walking 2-3 miles a day or every other day you will be turbo charging the T. Eat your cruciferous greens, exercise often, sleep well and keep that regimen and youll lift above the fog in no time.