r/Foodforthought • u/huffpost • 2d ago
Grandma's Tired: America Experiencing 'Depleted Grandmother Syndrome' — Here's Why
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/grandma-is-tired-depleted-grandmother-syndrome_l_6abc08e1e4b06becc45bd5f3?utm_medium=Social&utm_source=reddit&utm_campaign=us_main262
u/deskbeetle 2d ago
We have a one year old and we just can't lean too much on our MIL. She is eager to spend time but, while she won't admit it, can't deal with him for long periods of time on her own. And we don't want her driving home late so we have to do earlier dates. Maybe once a month we can call on her.
I was basically raised by my own grandmother but she was in her early 40s during that. Since we chose to have kids later, we can't expect a fraction of that energy from my ~60 year old MIL.
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u/redditgambino 1d ago
Mine are in their 70s so I’m fucked. Not to mention a 6 hour drive in a good day, so we are on our own. Really hard not having a village.
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u/deskbeetle 1d ago
I also don't have a village. And my husband and I work full time. My one saving grace is that he is a wonderfully engaged parent. So we can make it work. Looking to be one and done because of no village.
It definitely is hard🫂
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u/DependentRow8281 1d ago
My 80 year old dad looks after my 4 year old all the time. Does sleep overs and all.
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u/dontwanna-cantmakeme 2d ago
Research shows being around grandkids can help keep grandparents healthy.
But having responsibility over those kids is detrimental to their health.
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u/SeasonPositive6771 2d ago
It seems like this is just saying "life is getting more complicated and difficult for everyone, including grandma." Yeah, surviving under capitalism and the increasing complexity of modern life is rough.
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u/-Clayburn 2d ago
I wish articles could be more direct about this. Every negative headline should end with "due to capitalism."
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u/Shamanduh 1d ago
Yea my brother heavily relies on my mother to help him get his 14 and 11 year olds around to all their extracurricular activities, when both parents are working or doing date night activities. Some of these extracurriculars relies on driving 1+ hrs, there and then back, then driving back to her home, 30min away.
Granted she is “retired”, but what that actually means is she works on average 15-20 hrs a week, some more some less, picking up shifts at her old unit. Shes an excellent nurse, who is always down to help and clean up others messes, so they call her often, sometimes even for 14hr shifts.
Shes worn out. Constantly complaining about her aches and pains, needs to get her gallbladder removed, but claims she has “no time” to schedule the surgery. Sure, she could be nervous about the routine surgery, but this is a reoccurring theme.
Anyways, i tell her to just say she cant, say no, and do her own thing, at least cut back on the driving. But she says she’d rather live through the pain and fatigue if it means spending more time with the kiddos. And that’s the kicker. My brother doesn’t invite her over for the fun stuff, just the heavy lifting chores, so really those long hauls are the bulk of their hangs.
She has also forbade me from talking to him about it, so nothing i can do. Really sucks. But also, theres multiple layers here, like her compulsive need/ addiction to working/ bringing in money, and the lack of responsibility on my brothers part for finding alternate transport/ inviting my mom out for those fun memory making times, like cookouts, camping, or even just movie nights.
Anyways. I can see how hard life is with both parents working, while also having kids with their own separate needs to be met, and wanting/ needing to impart the duties along to the grandparents. It takes a village to raise children, totally.
What i find issue with, as in my brothers case, is to then, 7 times our of 10, excluding her from the fun bits. It’s like they think since she does see the kids or was just over the other day, they don’t need to.
But, missing out on the things that matter, the things the kids will really remember her by, just builds up to resentment/ fatigue, coupled with a sense of duty bound anxiety when thinking of cutting back the help, as it could result in even less time spent with the grandkids.
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u/Laura9624 2d ago
No, that's not what its saying. Although you do explain it well by ignoring the problems stated.
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u/SeasonPositive6771 2d ago
Then what do you think it is saying?
They're certainly more I could add, like it's called that because we have always relied on women doing unpaid labor, and this is just another symptom of that, and so on.
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u/suchabadamygdala 2d ago edited 2d ago
You’ve completely left out the gust of the article which is that the physical labor of caring for young children is much much harder when the carer is elderly. In fact, it can be impossible for some people.
Edit: gist26
u/FlashbackJon 2d ago edited 1d ago
But the reasons they're shouldering so much of their burden by themselves is a byproduct of "surviving under capitalism and the increasing complexity of modern life."
If modern wages could pay for childcare -- or, better yet, for parents to stay home more with their children, such that grandma is a boon and a helping hand and not a primary caregiver -- this problem would be nonexistent. It's not even like most issues that involve a huge number of complex and overlapping factors that are impossible to discern. It's a straight shot from abysmal wages --------> grandma is overwhelmed and tired.
In the past 40 years (when grandma was just starting her life), cost of living has quintupled, worker productivity has quadrupled across all sectors, and middle class wages have risen... 40%. Anything below middle class has just been static. The vast majority of full time jobs (40 hours a week) cannot afford childcare for one child (the so-called "two income trap").
So grandma unfortunately has to pick up the slack for the situation her generation created. (The grandma that's providing this childcare probably didn't create the situation, but probably voted for the people that did.)
EDIT: Because I guess I have to spell things out: the rich and powerful created this situation by lying to the populace. By fooling people like grandma into voting for them. Grandma votes the way she statistically probably votes because she was sold a pack of lies, but that doesn't fully absolve her of that vote. We should be supporting grandma and her children and grandchildren.
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u/soulteepee 2d ago
‘Her generation created’ Yes the rich and the politicians from her generation created today’s situation, but not your gramma.
She didn’t consciously cheat her children and grandchildren. She was sold a pack of lies just like the ones you’re repeating.
This lie goes around EVERY generation. ‘Oh wait til the old ones die off and it’ll be better’
They told my generation the same damn thing. The rich have control of everything, not your gramma. The rich control policy and politics.
Repeating this and acting helpless about the current situation KEEPS US FROM PROGRESSING.
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u/bluespruce5 1d ago edited 1d ago
Thank you for that.
I'd also add that there are plenty of grandmas who didn't vote for many of the politicians who have enabled all of this, so while this grandma may have repeatedly done so, declaring that she "probably" did is an unfounded assumption. And those enabling politicians couldn't have gotten into office without some votes from other age groups than grandma's.
The wealthy have always done a fine job of deflecting responsibility and blame onto other groups -- buying influence, messaging and politicians, while greedily stuffing their pockets with far more money than they and their kids could ever spend.
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u/FlashbackJon 1d ago
Declaring that she "probably" did is just statistically supported, literally the opposite of unfounded. We're just talking about grandma and how she's been lied to, not putting the entire blame of the liars on her, nor discussing all possible voting blocks who've been lied to.
This isn't even a specific grandma (in which to assume how she voted would be, at best, an asshole move), but rather the hypothetical Ur-grandma.
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u/FlashbackJon 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm not repeating any lies (I would challenge you to find even ONE lie). You just said the same thing I said, then invented a bunch of things I definitely did not say.
This sort of weird "I like pancakes" "why did you say you hate waffles?!" discourse is crippling the left. We're on the same side here, but you assumed that I was positing some kind of doomerism that is found nowhere in my post. You're 100% right (except about what you said I said) and I'm fully in agreement with you, but you still came at me and invented something different to be mad about.
edit: tl;dr: The people to support are the poor and worked-to-death, and that includes SO MANY elderly. The people to blame are the rich. Have we considered feeding them to the poor?
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u/SeasonPositive6771 2d ago
Yes, I don't mean to be obvious but people should be aware that caring for children is difficult work and old people will struggle more with it. That seems like beyond common sense.
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u/suchabadamygdala 2d ago
Most grandparents are older than in previous generations. It’s great if they can physically hack it, but toddlers are heavy! Compare this to previous gens where grandparents were I their 40s, 50s and early 60s. If grandma is 75 she’s absolutely not as physically able as a 55 year old. Some parent are shocked and mad that grandma says she can only do it for a day or two per week. Entitled.
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u/PC-load-letter-wtf 1d ago
My grandmother was 45 when I was born. My parents were 65 when I had my kids. Big difference
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u/Laura9624 2d ago
Sadly, its not understood until people are actually that age. So never. Grandparents might need to make different choices.
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u/Pleasant_Stomach_135 1d ago
My Asian in laws say it’s their life’s purpose to raise my child. My American parents, on the other hand, would definitely get “depleted grandmother syndrome”
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u/-Clayburn 2d ago
For us it's the hustle mindset. It's not so much that these boomers can't retire. It's that they won't retire. They like the lifestyle. Their careers defined their life for 30+ years. Their entire social life is built around it. And unlike previous grandparents, they're told by corporations they can be more. They can go on cruises! They can take drugs and have surgery to avoid looking like a grandparent. They can dye their hair and dress fashionably. And they don't have to be called "Grandma", yeck! They get cool names like Gigi and Granddude. Growing old is for losers! Spend money and keep working so you won't be a loser. Always Be Consuming.
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u/NecessaryRhubarb 1d ago
Reading that article reinforced my own beliefs about spending time with someone else’s kids in a caregiver role. Parents have two choices - pay the help and have the help follow the house rules, or don’t pay the help and enable them to be successful and have a good time, without enforcing rules. It’s stressful to be a free caregiver while remembering irrational rules.
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u/youre_soaking_in_it 2d ago
If grandma's 65 or 70, she had a pretty good run. She was born at a fortuitous time in our country's life span and probably had an easier road to building wealth. Time to give back. (Granddad too, btw.)
Middle class parents these days have it much harder and a grandparent that can help is a godsend.
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u/suchabadamygdala 2d ago
It’s the physicality sometimes. Lifting and stooping, chasing toddlers is very hard in the creaky old body of many seniors. No matter how much we love it, we can’t do it like young people can.
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u/Dada2fish 2d ago
What does that have to do with getting older makes it harder to watch children?
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u/youre_soaking_in_it 2d ago
I guess I'm saying they should tough it out although I know it sounds callous and is not always feasible.
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u/Laura9624 2d ago
You think life was easier for women 50 or 60 years ago? And living less that life expectancy is a "pretty good run"? I give up. Really.
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u/-Clayburn 2d ago
If grandma's 65 or 70, she had a pretty good run.
That's what my six-year old said about my grandma (his great-grandmother). She's about 84, and we were at McDonald's with her. It was getting late, so I said "We need to take Grandma home before it gets too dark. We don't want the monsters to get her." And he goes, "Well, she's old so she's going to die soon anyway."
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u/Laura9624 13h ago
Most banks did not allow women to open a bank account, get a loan, or hold a credit card in their own name without a male co-signer. We were owned, make no mistake. There were no laws regarding abuse toward wives. Jobs were the lower paying. "Fortuitous " you think. Did you think most men were better husbands back then? I find your thoughts so unbelievable. Its like saying slaveowners were mostly kind. Looks like women are going back there.
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u/occultbookstores 34m ago
We make a deal with Moloch to sacrifice our first childhood in hopes of getting a second one. Then we wind up depleted because we sprinted for 50 years. Or we can't stop.
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