r/GayChristians • u/Adventurous_Meet2562 • 3d ago
Can a relationship between a gay anti-theist and straight Christian work?
For clarification, the Christian accepts homosexuality but disproves of the action because it is against the religion. Basically “hate the sin, love the sinner.”
EDIT: Okay I feel like I was too ambiguous. My straight Christian bf approached me first, and I agreed to the relationship. He grew up Christian. I have no issue dating people of other religions, but once I learned his stance on homosexuality I took pause. Every other aspect of our relationship is great. He knows I’m bisexual and feels very strongly about having a future with me regardless. I’m at a place of uncertainty right now and seeking other perspectives/personal experiences because this could be a huge compatibility issue and although he’s willing to learn, I don’t know if there’s still hope down the line or if it’s doomed to fail.
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u/ReduxCath 3d ago
So gay person that is against god
And straight/bi person that believes in god but says homosexual activity is evil
…are we actually serious right now???
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u/ReduxCath 2d ago
Hey. So the edit to your post is very important. I also would highly suggest to not describe yourself as an anti-theist. Anti-theists by defenition would not be ok with ‘other faiths’ because anti-theists believe all religion is inherently evil, and should be done away with. What you are describing is atheism, which is just the general lack of belief in a god. The incorrect use of terminology likely contributed to a lot of the initial responses you see here.
Now, getting into the actual meat of the problem, while the fact yall care about each other is great and the fact he’s willing to learn is amazing, I would still be very careful with this. The kind of transformation required to go from “gay sex is disordered” to “gay sex is fine” is very big. It’s not something that can only come from one relationship or one bond. It takes work and effort to deconstruct that homophobia.
You know him best, but I would say all this to sober you up. The relationship could work out but it can also fail, and you do not have any obligation to be “the reason he realizes gay relationships are ok”, so to speak
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u/Adventurous_Meet2562 2d ago
I considered myself anti-theist because I do believe that institutionalized religion has had (and continues to have in some cases) negative impacts on society when used to justify inequality, such as the subservience of women or homophobia. I believe that aspect of religion should be done away with, not necessarily religion itself. If the religion is uplifting people, spreading love, community, and equality regardless of race, gender, sexuality etc. I’m all for it. I know religion is also much up to interpretation, one person in a religion may believe one thing, while another something that contradicts it completely.
I thought anti-theists were simply against the systematic aspects of religion and lingering negative effects in present times, but if it’s just straight up thinking that religion is evil I should really reconsider what category I fall under. Thank you for informing me
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u/Hex_7ac 2d ago
I am a practicing Catholic, and I completely agree with this statement:
"...I do believe that institutionalized religion has had (and continues to have in some cases) negative impacts on society when used to justify inequality, such as the subservience of women or homophobia. I believe that aspect of religion should be done away with, not necessarily religion itself. If the religion is uplifting people, spreading love, community, and equality regardless of race, gender, sexuality etc. I’m all for it."
That's not "anti-theist," that's mature-thinking Christianity.
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u/Adventurous_Meet2562 2d ago
Ah okay, that makes sense. Thank you for broadening my perspective on this. When I initially discussed it with my bf his perspective was basically “the bible says homosexuality is bad, therefore it’s bad and anyone who thinks otherwise isn’t actually Cristian bcuz it’s written in the bible.” Safe to say that was a very frustrating conversation to have. At the time I did educate him, showed him actual research. Even though he didn’t quite grasp it he was at least willing to further his understanding a bit. It just feels like a uphill battle honestly, and it sucks that someone I genuinely care about has this rigid black/white thinking. I can present him all the information in the world but if he chooses to do nothing with it…well there’s nothing I can do at that point.
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u/Hex_7ac 1d ago
You're right. The kind of thinking that your friend is demonstrating is very, very hard to penetrate. Sadly, there are many Christians who support and defend that kind of thinking. Please know, however, that there are also many Christians who have a much more mature and informed understanding of scripture, and are fully accepting of the LGBTQ+ community. Over the past half century, that side has continued to grow, but it will a while longer before it really takes root.
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u/Born-Swordfish5003 3d ago
No. Save yourselves the heartache and time, find people who are more compatible.
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u/Tallen_14x 3d ago
No, from experience. That’s a fundamental difference on so many levels that you’re going to have to go through some major deconstruction to get anywhere, which takes years. I don’t think any sort of relationship can survive that.
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u/Strongdar Gay Christian / Side A 3d ago
In theory yes, but in practice, probably not. Most people who preach "hate the in, love the sinner," can't actually do that effectively. The problem is how they tend to view sexuality. They think any expression of same-sex attraction is morally wrong, and therefore they tend to view it as a simple action rather than a part of your identity. He likely thinks that your sexuality is intrinsically disordered, but he is compartmentalizing that because he likes you and in theory you won't be expressing your same sex attraction while you two are dating.
So if you can both keep your ideological incompatibilities compartmentalized, you can make it work for a little while. But you have to play it out long term. Many people who aren't straight often find themselves naturally befriending other queer people over time. How is he going to react to you becoming friends with someone who isn't straight? Someone who is in a non-heterosexual relationship? Would he be willing to hang out socially with them? Would he go to their wedding? What happens if you have kids and one of them isn't straight and wants to be in the same sex relationship? Is he going to be okay with that? If you are interested in a long-term relationship and he seems like he might be headed in a serious direction, these are important questions to ask.
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u/Mental-Blueberry-388 Searching 3d ago
Doesn't seem compatible at all. I certainly wouldn't date someone like that. I prefer to be myself in a relationship (and in general).
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u/vampirehourz 3d ago
Don't ever date someone who would date you with a "regardless". At the end of the day he doesn't respect your sexuality and that of other people. This will be a huge point of contention in your relationship. What if you have kids and your child comes out or wants to transition? Do you want to be smothered into a straight personality because of his views? This sounds controlling off the bat already because you are muting yourself, and crushing yourself into a persona he will accept. Girl run. Go find someone who will love you for who you are, not "regardless" of who you are. Real love exists with men who appreciate and respect LGBTQIA, who won't mentally and emotionally harm you and your children because he thinks yall are sinners who are going to hell eventually.
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u/HappyHemiola 2d ago
I’m sorry but there are big red flags. You’ll find out other things he is very conservative about and it will be a struggle.
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u/PowerfullyDistracted Gay Christian / Side A 3d ago
If by relationship you mean friendship, then sure. But, if you mean dating then no. Obvi, you gotta respect who people are and who they tell you they are.
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u/VelocityRapter644 3d ago
I doubt it, you can try, but if they’re not accepting of your “actions” it will almost certainly cause issues in the future
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u/WateryTart_ndSword 3d ago
How would could one possibly go about having a romantic relationship with someone who “disapproves” of taking any action within the relationship??
That’s like trying to fly a plane that doesn’t want to turn on the engine (i.e. it ain’t gonna fly).
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u/walrusacab 2d ago
Sorry no, I don't think so. What about your gay/bi friends, are they supposed to feel welcome in your life if you're dating a homophobic person? What if you have kids who end up being LGBT, will he support them? Does he really not care about you being bisexual or does he just not actually believe you?
"Hate the sin not the sinner" is a smokescreen, because if you truly love someone you'd never expect them to live life alone and hating yourself. That's essentially what anti-gay Christians are telling gay people to do, and it's horrible.
As you can tell I have strong feelings about this one lol, but I do think that while people can have different religions/beliefs in a couple, the morals should mostly align.
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u/evieofthestars 3d ago
Next time someone wants to say pronouns don't exist, I'm sending them here.
This is about as clear as mud, OP. Are we to assume that you are a girl? Becausd if you're a man that would cause too many follow up questions. And why would you want to date someone who invalidates your identity as bisexual?
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u/Adventurous_Meet2562 3d ago
I’m unsure what you mean. I’m in a relationship with a straight man, yes I’m a woman. I didn’t know this would be a point of conflict going into the relationship. There’s genuine love, care, and support which is why I’m so torn.
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u/evieofthestars 3d ago
What I mean is that you worded it in such a way that made it deeply unclear. Even your edit for context didn't spell out the situation completely. This is why many posts across the platform have a habit of using m and f when mentioning a person to help the reader figure out the situation.
If you're having serious doubts then it's not the right relationship. Try telling him how it makes you feel and go from there. Worst case scenario, you break up and it sucks.
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u/KitchenIntention8097 2d ago
Why exactly would you as an anti-theist be interested in dateing a christian. Seems like both of you have issues with aspects of eachothers identity.
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u/Adventurous_Meet2562 2d ago
I don’t have any issue dating someone who is religious, they can have their beliefs as I have mine and I can respect that so long as they’re a good person, respectful etc. and don’t try to convert me. He has the same mindset as well. I have dated people who were religious (although not devout) and there weren’t any issues. The problem I’m having here is about a specific belief of his that does cross into my identity. As I’m writing this I’m realizing…yeah this is a bigger issue than I initially gave it credit for
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u/KitchenIntention8097 2d ago
That dosent seem very anti-theist of you. Did you mean to say youre an athiest? but I digress. Yeah I would say that people who had fundamental problems with somone elses identity would have a hard time even be friends so obviously that is going to make a relationship really hard.
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u/Adventurous_Meet2562 2d ago
If we get into the nitty gritty of it I’m more of a cross between antitheist and agnostic. I believe that as an institution, organized religion is and has been harmful to society with certain beliefs holding humanity back. Philosophically, we cannot prove or disprove god but I choose to believe the scientific evidence we have today until (if it ever happens) further, newer evidence shows something else. I also understand that some people are raised religious, some may use it as a coping mechanism, or for others it’s genuinely all they know so I don’t want to pass judgement on anyone for that. I’m always open with my beliefs and willing to discuss it with people who are interested whether they’re religious or not.
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u/Extension_Ticket_733 12h ago
No, it can't. Bisexual women who date straight homophobic dudes are shooting themselves in the foot. Your partner should have zero convictions about your sexuality and shouldn't be seeing a future with you "REGARDLESS" of the fact that you're bi. This relationship will only get worse for you as time goes on. Sorry for being blunt, but there's really no other way to put it.
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u/Careless_Product_886 3d ago
Why would a straight Christian want to date with a gay person tho?