Seeking advice or support I cant seem to commit to healthy, and consistent, methods of intellectual stimulation, and it’s draining me.
Drugs are one of the only things that consistently allow my brain to not be in overdrive all of the time. Idk if its the fact that i first used at 12 and have been progressively using more frequently, and using harder stuff ever since fucked with my brain, that i have attention issues, or i have other mental issues stemming from both environmental and biological factors, or everything in between. I just feel like I’ve been dancing around doing something constructive with my life for years. Im a senior in high school, and i cant even begin to think about committing to doing something with my life. All i can imagine when i think about the future is all the mental effort i will have to put in, and how easily it will be for me to lose interest in my career. My issues clearly don’t singularly stem from my giftedness, but i feel like its mixed with everything else and made a completely different monster.
Ive gone through numerous hobbies that i truly was motivated to dedicating a lot of time into. Hobbies that i felt i could be great at if i worked for it, but they always fall through. And it sucks because i have experienced how deeply i can get myself to focus and be engaged in this stuff, making music especially. Ill be creative and so in touch with the elements of music available to me and where they need or not need to be used. Yet it feels like my brain is actively pushing away this stimulation i so desperately crave.
Im not doing so well right now and im just kinda blurting every thing out all at once. Maybe its because ive been sober for 4 days, or that my adderall is messing with my head. Whatever it is, i dont know how to cope with it.
Maybe all of this is just because im a teen and i need to grow into my brain (which my old therapist has said before), but i really need to be able to function properly before i completely throw my life away.
I probably just need to get out of my head more, but lord knows that aint no simple task.
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u/ImAPonderer2 1d ago
I can’t comment on the medications, but do know that teenage years until potentially 18-22 are sometimes the most difficult. If you are like I was you are full of hormones and your thoughts are your own but being influenced by the changes in your body telling you to prove yourself by hunting mammoth or something like that, but you are forced to sit for long hours doing things other people want - demand - you to do. A lot of people get depressed by the drudgery and lack of freedom that the teen years represents - myself included - and get through it and adulthood is better. Eventually you have freedom and you can make your own space. IDK if that’s relatable, but know it gets better. Just stay away from fent and you will probably make it through. I know a couple very bright people who started HS with good intentions, etc. They got bored / apathetic and died or got whacked out on drugs, please try to stay safe.
Ps. Fent is in a lot of stuff these days
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