I think I realized I’m not into my boyfriend anymore.

[u/Ok_Noise_3614]

The picture doesn’t do it justice for how big this burrito was smh. Got this last night.

So I’ve been dating this guy about almost 8 months and last night I think I realized I’m mentally checked out of the relationship. I want to this restaurant last night to get birria tacos because they’re a comfort food now 😅 and there’s a guy that has been working there the whole more than a year I’ve been going there and I’ve had a crush on him the whole time.

Back in early March, his aunt who also works there, gave me his Facebook because she said she knew he wouldn’t do it and I honestly stopped going for a couple months because I had just started dating my boyfriend and I knew it was wrong to continue going. Well I started going again probably 2 weeks ago and last night he asked for my Instagram. I turned it down but I felt disappointed because I was in a relationship and that’s when I started thinking that I’m mentally checked out. I was on the phone with my best friend and we talked about it and she agreed that I might be but to probably talk to him about it.

A little context about my boyfriend real quick. I’m 22 hes 21 and I think his immaturity plays a part in why I’m like this now. I have a lot of trauma with violence and yelling from my childhood so I have panic attacks when people get mad and yell or throw and break things. He gets angry very easily when working on cars, or people cut him off or do stupid shit on the road and yells and breaks things or I once watched him key a car for cutting him off on the road. Or he hit another car for the same thing. Luckily I wasn’t with him but he did drive off. I’ve talked to him about this and I know having anger issues makes it difficult to handle but nothing has changed. He apologizes when it happens but I’m still affected by it.

I also have never been given flowers and we haven’t even said I love you to each other. I’ve said something to him many times about the flowers or just being thought of at random times like when he’s at the store and sees a drink I would like or whatever and he has since done a little bit but I think having to beg for it, ruined it. He also has a hard time “believing in love” because of his parents getting divorced after being together for a long time so I told him I would wait for him to be comfortable saying I love you to me but I just don’t think he feels it. 8 months is PLENTY of time to figure out if you’re feeling like that or not I would think and at first I felt impatient honestly and waited everyday to be able to say it and now I’m at the point where I don’t want to say it and I feel like that’s a huge red flag.

He also just went through a really scary time where he had a small procedure done that had complications that caused A LOT of pain and a full surgery to be done that was traumatic for him of course but for me too. I took care of him along with his mom while he was recovering and broke down a couple times from the fear the incident brought and the 2 year anniversary of my sisters death. But because of the location of the surgery, he can’t use his “downstairs” area so we haven’t been able to have sex for a couple weeks now. Previously, we were doing it deadass everyday almost and part of me wonders if there’s a possibility the feelings that I was feeling were just from that and now that we can’t have sex, those feelings aren’t there and now I’m not into him the way I was.

I don’t know. I think there’s a very high possibility I have bpd but I stopped going to therapy before we got that far due to the loss of health insurance so I do fear that maybe I’m just feeling so negatively towards him because of how I react to the smallest bad things that happen but I’m not sure. So I guess I just kinda wanted advice from the girlies on how to navigate this situation especially since I don’t have a mother figure to rely on.

Also, let’s say I broke up with him, I will not immediately try to talk to the guy from the restaurant. I have moved on quickly before and it ended terribly so healing would definitely be in order 😭

[u/LemonadeLemur]

Keying a car and hitting a different car is genuinely insane behavior. This sounds like a lot for only 8 months in. I would probably just exit the relationship and deal with processing your feelings after the fact rather than stay and try to analyze why you might not be into him anymore before making a decision.

[u/Disastrous_Tree8847]

I say this with all the love AND as a mom-

If my kid told me the person they were dating gets angry so easily, KEYED a car for cutting them off, and then HIT a car for the same reason, I would be so opposed to this. What if you were in the car? What if that anger turns on you? It's not an if, but when. Honey you sound like such a sweet young lady and you deserve to be handled gently and with love and care. Take this from someone who dated a guy just as you are describing, also when I was in my early 20s. This anger will not stay away from you. If they get angry like this at the drop of a hat with complete strangers, it will turn manipulative and dangerous with someone he does know. The guilting, the "woes me", the threats.

On top of this, if he doesn't even seem interested, after 8 months especially, I would cut losses. Find someone who truly loves you. Not this. You are kind and unkind people, like this boy, will take advantage if you let them.

[u/entcanta333 → u/Disastrous_Tree8847]

Fr this guy has future abusive husband written all over him. Guys can change but not that much.

[u/res06myi → u/entcanta333]

He's already an abusive boyfriend. This is abuse. Making a woman afraid of you by being violent in her presence is how it begins. It's subtly telling her that she could be next so she better act right.

[u/Disastrous_Tree8847 → u/res06myi]

Exactly.

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[u/Research_Junkie678]

“He is the worst should I stay” vol 113.

Girlie, your man sounds inconsiderate of you and frankly dangerous. Get out!! You have to be your own advocate. Given his anger issues, it might be safer to break up with him in public for your own safety.

And hopefully taco guy is a nice guy so you don’t lose your taco place. We are rooting for you OP!!

[u/Ambitious-Sleep2607 → u/Research_Junkie678]

He did key and crash the other cars in public too. Public won’t keep this man from going bonkers on her.

[u/Research_Junkie678 → u/Ambitious-Sleep2607]

Public meaning she has other humans around. Like a cafe. I don’t assume there were strangers in the car that could’ve helped her when he was hitting cars?

[u/Ambitious-Sleep2607 → u/Research_Junkie678]

Cars on a road are in public, there’s people all around.

He’s a violent man who can’t control his angry outbursts in public, why would he at a cafe?
OP needs to get her ducks in a row and break up with him after she’s established distance and a safety network. This kind of man is no joke

[u/noideawhattouse1]

You don’t have to justify not wanting to date someone. If it’s not right it’s not right and that’s ok. Breakup and move on

[u/Ok_Pass_7325 → u/noideawhattouse1]

💯👌

[u/Active_File_5620]

https://giphy.com/gifs/3ov9k9YfHKB8EbftjW

[u/Anti_Patriarchy]

You just saw who he really is, there is nothing wrong with you.

[u/Ambitious-Sleep2607]

Stopped reading at him yelling and breaking things.

That’s not a safe person and it’s not your trauma, it’s a natural response to leave someone like that bc what do think he’s gonna do when he’s mad at you??

Don’t tell him you’re breaking up before you have all your stuff that’s still at his place. If he has a key to your place, change the locks.
Then break up via text.

That’s not cowardice, it’s being safe.

[u/WTF4Sally]

You know for a fact that this guy keyed a car out of anger as well as hit somebody's car and left? And you stayed with him? I don't even know what to say.

[u/PinkPhoenixRising]

Sounds to me like your man-child suffers from a classic case of Tiny Burrito Syndrome.

[u/PinkPhoenixRising → u/PinkPhoenixRising]

But seriously, hon, this boy ain't the one. He has anger issues, and is abusive. He's already been intimidating you to set boundaries trying to make sure you stay inside the lines. It's not if he will start hitting you, it's when. Please, choose yourself and your mental health and take these 8 months as a lesson about the kinda person to avoid in the future. You deserve love abd gentleness. This situation has none of that.

[u/Massive_Pea_5156]

I don't believe in leaving one person for another... But this isn't that. You are confronting the bad parts of your relationship because of multiple different reasons.

Just from his anger issues and your past trauma, I think that is enough to say he isn't the right person for you. You just don't need that energy in your life...

And, after 8 months, your relationship actually isn't going anywhere at all. It does not seem very serious, which is fair since you're both young... But you're right, 8 months of being in a committed relationship is enough to figure out if you love the other person. He probably does, but it seems clear he isn't even ready for that.

Not having sex can definitely make partners feel disconnected, and dealing with health issues makes it even harder to connect in a relationship... It can cause even more distance or negative feelings to arise. And maybe that's why all the unaddressed issues are rising to the surface now, as they will tend to do that when the going gets tougher.

But, yeah, it sounds like during the tough times, your relationship just doesn't have the foundation to survive all that well.

[u/-Mighty-Eagle-]

Oh honey you are really young and this is definitely not the time to get tied down with a loveless relationship with someone who sounds like has a LOT of issues.

If you’re not feeling it, then go with your gut and just end things and take time to heal like you said.

[u/Tall_Buy_1058]

His anger issues are not good for you with your background. Just tell him you don’t think you are compatible, focus on getting a job with good insurance and go back to therapy. You need therapy way more than any man right now.

[u/djmermaidonthemic → u/Tall_Buy_1058]

His anger issues are bad for everyone, and they are HIS anger issues!

Really, he gets into road rage situations?!

OP: Don’t wait around for him to say he loves you. With someone like that, it’s better if he doesn’t!

Put on your running shoes and go! There are so many fish in the sea.

…

I’m a HUGE fan of birria. Good choice! I recently moved states and of the few things I miss about where I moved from, my favorite birria place is defo up there! I want to learn how to make it at home. It’s a long braise, but it is so, so good.

Now I’m gonna have to go get birria. LOL.

[u/Just-world_fallacy]

Your boyfriend if an abusive man who is trying to see how much aggression you can already put up with.
The surgery and background story or whatever do not change anything to this fact. He would be abusive without all of this.

Please get out of this without an explanation or justification. Make up a vague excuse such as "our communication styles are not compatible" or whatever.

And be careful, you might get involved with one who won't be better but will bank on the fact that you want to move on.

<3

[u/Ok_Butterfly7934]

He’s a giant red flag. Also Complex PTSD also often gets mistaken for BPD, might be worth looking into. And I’m so sorry for the very recent loss of your sister 🙏🏽

[u/Virtual-Strength-950]

The quick to anger thing and then acting on it is way more concerning to me here than the not giving flowers or saying I love you. I’ve been married for 9 years and my husband has never given me flowers. People say I love you when they’re ready, that’s not something that should be forced. However, getting so angry that you’re damaging property (whether of your own or of a stranger’s) shows very poor judgment and impulse control and that person shouldn’t be considered for a serious relationship. It has only been 8 months, you don’t owe him a relationship and can simply walk away. And you should. 

[u/civserv910]

He sounds like a nightmare to deal with

[u/RestlessRainyNight]

BPD-Princess here :)

Nur, weil du BPS haben könntest, selbst wenn du es hättest, bedeutet das nicht, dass du deswegen in einer Beziehung mehr ertragen musst. Feinfühligkeit und die damit einhergehende Emotionalität sind bei weitem kein Grund, zu bleiben, "weil andere ja kein drama daraus machen würden". Du bist auch als BPS Person eine vollständige, ernst zu nehmende person. Deine Ansprüche sind eben anders (mal ehrlich, jeder hat andere ansprüche) und du solltest auf deine ansprüche hören. Am ende musst DU glücklich sein, völlig egal, was die anderen tun und sind und sagen. Kurz: "ich habe vielleicht BPS und deswegen reagiere ich vielleicht nur über..." ist kein Argument. Wertschätze deine Reaktionen, sehe sie als Wegweiser, nicht als explosive Bombe.

[u/res06myi]

You could have stopped after the third paragraph. Dump him IMMEDIATELY. Never ever stay in a relationship with a man who is violently angry at anyone or anything. And do NOT give him a reason.

Never ever doubt that he would hurt or kill you. I know that sounds insane. There are many dead women who thought it was insane.

This post reads like rage bait. From a 40 year old woman—you're making all the mistakes millions of women before you tolerated and wish they hadn't because it destroyed their lives: blaming yourself for a man's behavior, tolerating violence from a man, begging for the absolute bare minimum, attaching your entire identity and sense of self worth to a loser man. It all needs to stop unless you want to ruin your life. I know this sounds harsh, but fuck. Step back for a minute. What are you doing? Is this the life you want? Literally serving a violent loser who doesn't give one single fuck about you?? Is this the life you'd want for your best friend or baby sister? Is this a life you're proud to be building for yourself?

To this asshole, you are literally just an accessory—something to fuck and own. He does not see you as a whole person with thoughts, emotions, opinions, feelings, interests.

The biggest mistake young women make in life is making their lives all about a man. Women so often donate their entire lives to some fucking man who doesn't know their middle name. Focus on YOU. What do you want in life? How do you want your life to look in ten years? Who do you want to be? Describe the woman you want to be—then work on being that woman. Describe the life you want to live—then work on building that life.

A man will not help you accomplish either goal. You will pour your time, energy, and love into someone else and have nothing left for yourself.

After you build the life you want for yourself, then work on finding someone who adds to that life, if that's even what you want at that point.

[u/EasternAccountant404]

Just be careful as you leave this relationship. Dont trust soon to be ex to behave well. Research how to leave with a women's anti-abuse/violence charity. Minimise risk.

[u/Cute_Piffle]

When you pour so much love, effort and care into a relationship and get nothing in return it's not worth it at all. A lot of those type of men rarely change either. If you're not happy now, you probably won't be down the road. I think you should leave him and focus on yourself for awhile. I hope you get healthcare again soon, take care of yourself and you health girl ♡ never settle for less.

[u/maureenponderosa18]

OP,, this guy sounds unstable and good for you for breaking up with him

You should really think about taking the time to focus on yourself and self reflect before your next relationship

[u/Prestigious-Ad1346]

You need to leave. I’m worried for your safety. We are living in an epidemic of angry men hurting their loved ones physically.

I’m sure you probably think “oh it wouldn’t happen to me because xyz” but it 100% could. A man who hits another car or keys a car out of anger is significantly more likely to have anger bursts in his personal life as well. It’s not safe for you to be with him.

He shouldn’t be with ANYBODY until he gets serious anger management treatment. It just isn’t safe.

[u/shygrl__]

I definitely think you being aware of all this shows that you have a strong head on your shoulders and demonstrates a level of maturity that your boyfriend seems to lack. Keying someone’s car bc they cut you off is not normal behavior btw. It sounds like your boyfriend has some issues of his own that he needs to work out and being in a relationship is not the right move rn. I think it would be best for you to break things off now while you’re realizing all of this and before you have time to convince yourself to stay. You seem to carry yourself very well and I think you’ll be just fine! Just let him know how you’ve been feeling and that you don’t think you’re a good match for each other anymore. Maybe do it somewhere kind of public so if he decides to get angry, you have an exit point and there are others around.

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[u/GazelleAbject1832]

Um everything you said is a red flag. No one can make the decision for you but you already know the decision

[u/toki_ya]

i'm in remission from bpd/have cptsd and sex definitely factors a lot into feelings of affection, love, etc., but also sometimes you just stop liking your partner and it's time to go. both can be true and you don't need an excuse, you can just leave [insert meme of skeleton walking out of various social encounters].

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[u/ClockworkPrison]

Normalize leaving because you don't want to be there. There's no need for explanations. If you feel like giving your ig to someone else, it's pretty indicative on where your heart is standing. Maybe give yourself a moment to be alone, but if it feels right, yeah hit up the other guy. Life is too short to not be happy.

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[u/thefishtanklover → u/madame-maitre-d]

Girls rule

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[u/Malipuppers]

The cool thing about dating is you can break up for any reason. 6-8 months is when many people start to show their true colors. End it now and don’t let it linger on.

[u/DaintyTentacles]

You deserve more from a partner than all of this <3 you're not overthinking it sis

[u/Muted-Policy-1416]

Please get out. Do it safely. You’re dealing with a volatile “man” incapable of regulating his emotions and that is a dangerous, unpredictable person. You are absolutely at risk here. And if you aren’t that invested, that’s better for you. But do so carefully and make sure you have the support of the people around you because you don’t know how he will react.

Please take care of yourself.

[u/SirGavBelcher]

this is not a healthy relationship on both persons so i would say find a way out of it. and if you can't afford therapy at least do some online research or even get a BPD workbook to see where you're at so you have some footing for when you are able to start therapy. i would say putting up with your partner's violence is as much of a signifier as childhood trauma

[u/milkdonut]

MJ n a thought she would cause she’s younger she was old she looks like an older apparently they have running around doing things apparently shoot my stepfather‘s father at one point and we found that out and was like oh my God she laughed and then later on was the first time they and my sister used to hang out with they were younger but I think they all had like a one point but like awake he’s feeling better I walked in he’s not in bed anymore he did take him they took him off the veteran oxygen tube for a little while but they ended up taking that physical therapy came. She was

[u/Laviathian → u/milkdonut]

https://giphy.com/gifs/SqmkZ5IdwzTP2

[u/Melodic-Contest-6456]

https://giphy.com/gifs/UEWaBMt9SobgBYTjst

[u/TaskSea5609]

I grew up in a very toxic household as well. Lots of alcohol abuse, so I know the pain. I moved out at 18 and never looked back. But in my early 20s, I connected with a guy who had a similar traumatic upbringing. I thought it brought us together, but all it did was bring all those toxic traits under one roof, and I realized I was basically building a carbon copy household of my childhood.

Definitely, the best advice is to stay away from individuals like that. He has his own trauma(s), and you need to heal from yours. The behavior is totally NOT NORMAL. Adults do not spaz out when something doesn't agree with them. They also don't go as far as damaging property or worse. However! It's important for you to understand that you also likely have some unhealed trauma, and you don't want to bounce from relationship to relationship looking for stability and peace. That only comes from self healing. I speak from experience in that regard as well, as my early 20's were a Tasmanian devil whirlwind of entering and exiting relationships, until I finally said no más, and worked on myself.

[u/Sea_Tackle_9297]

So you're a cheater