I Have an Everything Bagel & a Post-Nup

[u/SnooBunnies9478]

I was married last summer to the love of my life. We are in our forties, and have been together for a few years. I relocated to be with him, then we built a large house, then a vacation proposal and wedding and honeymoon abroad. He is a senior executive (though always in debt). I sold my company, left the new owners to figure out what’s next. We tried briefly for a Hail Mary baby, but I lost it on a flight to our family holiday vacation…we have two stepchildren who live with us biweekly. Incredible sex life, happy.

I’ve never “looked at” his phone, though I readily use it. One day, not wanting to grab my phone upstairs, I opened a browser looking for something with a “D” and saw two sites: doublelist and dayuse. I went downstairs to my computer. Pulling one thread upended my life and destroyed my sense of self.

A second, daytime life the entire time I’d known him. An amateur p*rn account, spanning years, with tens of thousands of followers, with multiple posts per week to have sex: on camera in the car the children and I ride in and help clean, at hotels, in adult theaters 40 mins away, in my guest bedroom when I was gone for two days to complete my company’s sale. Postings for any day he was traveling. Escalating to online videos, comments and public forum convos between him and a regional p*rn “star” - discussing “birthing” around the time of my miscarriage.

For years I’d have an infection of some sort every few months. Because of my work schedule, it was always rX’s through on-demand doctors online vs my own. I am very good about going to the doctor, but when you’re at a business HQ in another state pitching, you need to be able to hold your pee. I later learned he had been having unprotected sex with other women and then coming home to me. He blamed my hygiene on multiple occasions. I shower twice a day.

That day with the phone (before I knew anything else other than the two "d" websites), I sent him screenshots that led to him locking himself in a room, an acute psychiatric crisis involving a weapon, police intervention, followed by putting him in an involuntary psych hold for a week.

We had a prenup, separate assets. But my biggest one, MY HOME and everything in it? Half and half. Me currently unemployed. Other houses on my street for sale. Unwilling to lose EVEN MORE, I strategized. I am a best served cold type. I hired a lawyer, negotiated a behavioral agreement, and then spent months negotiating a “walk away” postnuptial agreement. Part of the strategy was straightforward: get stable, protect the house and the money, rebuild my career, and wait. If he actually changed, there might still be a marriage. If he cheated again, I would be heavily protected financially and he would have to leave.

Over the next six months he went to therapy weekly, recovery meetings monthly, almost read a full book on dopamine. I started a new executive job and am killing it, you would never know my life is this way. My sister was in a wreck and the ICU days before I started, is permanently damaged and consistently on my mind. The step children are on honor roll, and made their sports teams. I got an add’t puppy because I am terrified of my older one, my best friend, dying. We have separate quarters, but have sex far less frequently. I have had no infections. I live with a monster who I love, or loved. I am haunted. My inside thoughts are binary, either depressed or almost euphoric from something good happening and clinging to that feeling. My external presence? Bright and shiny, almost ideal. You would never know.

This past weekend, I decided to stop being haunted. I was starting to feel like myself again. Why not attempt to live fully again, enjoy our life while it lasts, let him ruin it, then bail with my ‘get out of this free’ card.

On Monday, he was fired. Part of the company’s perception was that he was never there and that supposed business-development activity was not producing results - so he was either bad at it, or not doing enough. His daytime car and hotel sex had caught up with him. He also owes me for the post-nup, half a recent vacation, I had recently stopped buying anything for him or the kids. He was slated to have a major, preplanned surgery two days later. We decided to go through with it because he does need it.

Since then I have been up throughout the night managing medications, water, food, the dogs, the house and my new executive job while he has repeatedly criticized details like whether his water had ice at 3am, why the groceries he shipped the day of surgery weren’t organized in their usual fashion, how I hate him because the protein shakes were refrigerated, and how me falling asleep sitting upright in a chair was preventing his recovery. I am choosing to be silent and preparing accordingly. I am not giving my assets to a monster, that is a decade of pain. I need to find a way to live around this until he breaks the post-nup.

Girl breakfast is takeaway lox, bagel and the tomatoes I grow.

P.S. I get the above it not a perfect solve. If you went from perfect to losing a baby, to you discovering some evidence, to your husband almost ending his life with police present the same day, to finding 100s of videos of him having sex with people online while he’s in a psych ward, to almost losing your sister, in a span of about five months, you may also not have all of the wherewithal you normally do. This is a lifeline I’ve thrown out given no one outside of a therapist knows about this situation. Im looking for those who understand and can help me by commenting about the nuance with some help. I’ve also had 3 people I love end their lives in the past, I don’t take lightly that I nearly had a fourth the same day I discovered this. I may hate his guts, but he has children.

[u/Smart_Act_1144]

I’m boiling with rage at his audacity…. good job OP go about it smartly ,you’ll come out of it winning 🫶🏻

[u/SnooBunnies9478 → u/Smart_Act_1144]

🫶🏼🥹

[u/cedricdiggory4ever]

i can barely keep up with having one life. like these people who live double lives are so unbelievably calculated and cruel. it takes so much effort to live one life, let alone multiple where you’re hiding from someone you live with. it’s straight up immoral and downright disgusting. i am so sorry but shoutout to you for handling it the best you can! 🫶🏼

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Letusia]

If I were you, I would just leave him and rebuild. This sounds like too much torture to get what you want. Don’t ever get back with him and don’t remarry him even if you think he changed. Cheaters don’t change. My mom thought my dad would stop cheating but nope he hid a secret daughter from another woman until me and my sister became adults. I’m not even surprised if my dad has other kids too.

[u/genie610_0]

Girl, he needs out way faster, stop having sex with him entirely and you probably won't have to deal with him for much longer. He can't even respect you when you're taking care of him, you're too nice. I'd definitely be using toilet water to make his protein shakes and ice cubes, he talks so much shit he'd probably think the flavor is mouthwatering.

[u/SnooBunnies9478 → u/genie610_0]

The rage is inside me. I’m trying to game it out while loving and missing a life that is gone now. If he divorces me, I owe him half.

[u/ConstantThought6]

This story is rage inducing. Excuse my misunderstanding, what is it that you’re waiting for him to do?

[u/SnooBunnies9478 → u/ConstantThought6]

If he does anything to break our post-nuptial agreement (which I can’t detail here), I take everything that is mine and he has to leave right away.

[u/Due_Job781 → u/SnooBunnies9478]

Why would you play nice, though? You're not giving him any reason to risk his comfy, cushy lifestyle. 

You're caring for him. You're sleeping with him. You've financed him. 

Why are you lifting a single finger?

[u/SnooBunnies9478 → u/Due_Job781]

I am playing nice and waiting for him to break the agreements which facilitate his immediate exit and a financial windfall

[u/Fleetdancer → u/SnooBunnies9478]

I think you misunderstand their question. Why are you making his life easier? Let him take care of himself and he'll be fucking around again within a week.

[u/SnooBunnies9478 → u/Fleetdancer]

This does make total sense. Thank you for clarifying

[u/ConstantThought6 → u/SnooBunnies9478]

You mention him owing you a vacation for the post-nup, just confused how it all factors in but hope it works out for you.

[u/SnooBunnies9478 → u/ConstantThought6]

No, he owes me money back for several things we “shared”

[u/TheNinjaPixie → u/SnooBunnies9478]

he will have a lot more time now he isn't working and you are, and he is going to be massively more sneaky than he ever was before as he has more to lose. I'd rather leave

[u/SnooBunnies9478 → u/TheNinjaPixie]

Or he cheats right away because he has more time

[u/wasnapping → u/ConstantThought6]

Cheat again. That'll break the post-nup.

[u/Any-Low-9414]

Your rage is completely understandable and your calculated planning is absolutely awe-inspiring. I can only hope you can get his ass out of the house sooner rather than later.

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

I don’t understand why you need to wait for anything if you have a prenup.

[u/SnooBunnies9478 → u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

The pre-nup did not include adultery because he was actively leading a double life and played me.

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 → u/SnooBunnies9478]

But it still lets you walk away with everything that was yours. Waiting for him to break the postnup means waiting for actionable proof and a court fight (and money) - and in the meantime you stay married to him with all the risks that entails. If you divorce now, you have a prenup, there’s nothing to litigate really.

If a real life friend came to me with this story, I would urge her to put her physical and financial safety first and hire a lawyer to get out, not to stay in a marriage with a cornered rat. waiting to punish him someday.

[u/SnooBunnies9478 → u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

You all just have to trust that I’m a highly educated exec, I have a top 5 litigation attorney, and these are my limitations based on the first agreement. I can’t really discuss the specifics of what’s written into it here. But I screwed myself by only separating assets and debt and not adultery. I’d have to list the home in a crap environment going into winter, make very little and split it (then be priced out on interest rates), or get it valued and pay him out several hundreds of thousands of dollars (that I don’t have in cash) if I wanted him out first.

[u/Early-Reindeer7704 → u/SnooBunnies9478]

Forget the pre-nup not stipulating adultery as a 'deal-breaker' - what's the law in your state or country? He cheated and in one of the most horrific ways possible with 'professionals' and you've been exposed on multiple occasions to infections that could have long term ramifications to your health and well being. It's time to kick this sorry excuse of a person (I won't dignify him with the word man) and for you to live the rest of your life with dignity

[u/CZ1988_]

This is all terrible aside from the post nup.

As a dog person though I caught you got a second puppy because you are terrified of the first one?

Take care of the dogs and dump the husband 

[u/edenteliottt → u/CZ1988_]

It's worded oddly, but she's terrified of the older dog /dying/

[u/SnooBunnies9478 → u/CZ1988_]

Terrified of losing / dog dying. I had to edit it bc my post got rejected the first time

[u/Spiritual_Cold5715]

I read this post somewhere earlier today.

[u/SnooBunnies9478 → u/Spiritual_Cold5715]

They deleted my earlier post because I did not post enough food.

[u/Spiritual_Cold5715 → u/SnooBunnies9478]

Oh, ok I see.

[u/Lenaea]

You are a much, much, much nicer person than me. F that dude.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Normal-Equivalent222]

Queen, you’re doing everything you need to do… he will break that post-nup and then you can leave with your head held high.

Keep grey-rocking and keep yourself safe mentally and physically. Do the minimum you need to, play the long game.

You are right, he is an addict and he will relapse given time.