r/LGBTireland • u/ReadyWeekend5094 • 8d ago
Seeking advice Coming out
Anyone have any advice or insight on coming out to friends in Ireland that aren't in the LGBT space? I'm 30M and haven't been in a relationship, and want to get out there and start meeting guys. I'm not really into the apps and don't think they're for me, so I want to get out and meet people in person. I haven't come out to anyone except my family, and think it might be good to come out to friends.
I have a bit of a fear of being seen in a gay bar and on my own, without telling anyone that I'm gay. It would just be hard to do on my own, having no support. My friends from back home in rural town are all straight males and they're not the worst for making jokes about gay people and I am 90% sure they would be accepting, but I'm not sure how to tell them or anything.
I don't think they would join me in a gay bar really but it is starting to get to me that I am doing all of this on my own,
Anyone have advice on building up the courage to come out, but most importantly do it confidently and stick with it
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u/gsousa 8d ago
I was in the same situation as you, I only came out when I was 30. And honestly I regret not doing it earlier. All of those issues are just in your head.
Yes, some people will look at you differently. Some people might react in a less ideal way. But over time things will get better.
I’m 43 now, and I am genuinely myself. I talk openly about my boyfriend even with strangers, because as soon as I told my family I stopped feeling the pressure of hiding myself. Nowadays I just don’t GAF about what other people think.
It is a scary step, and you might feel hurt at first. But the later you do it the harder it will be.
Also, do it for yourself only. Never for anyone else. And be unapologetic, because there’s nothing to apologize for. The moment you start apologizing you will start retract your own words and you’ll regret that even more.
As for bars, apps, etc. just give it a go. Apps can be very depressive, many guys just want a quick release, but if that works for you then go for it.
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u/ReadyWeekend5094 4d ago
Thanks for sharing, yes when I get to it I won't be apologising for anything, I want to say it openly and confidently, just not sure how to get that confidence yet. And want to say it confidently or just go about my life and go to gay events on my own confidently, not sure what way to do it lol
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u/Snaptun 8d ago
It sounds to me that your biggest worry is people finding out, hence why you have a fear of going to a gay bar - people will find out before you tell them, therefore you can't go to a bar until you come out.
It also sounds like your friends would be accepting of it so I think you should start there. Come out to one of your closest friends and see what the reaction is. I wouldn't be at all suprised if the response was along the lines of
"Yeah, sure we all know that"
or
"Why did it take you so long to tell us?"
Once you have the support of your friends etc, and you are OUT, you'll probably find it a lot easier to walk into a gay bar because the fear preventing you from going in won't exist anymore.
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u/ReadyWeekend5094 8d ago
Thanks, yeah I think telling friends would be a start. I think I have more fear of randomers knowing than my friends? Not sure why tbh lol
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u/Snaptun 8d ago
That's just something that will fade in time. I understand it completely, but the first leap is the hardest and I think you'll find the next ones aren't nearly as scary as you thought.
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u/No_Flounder_9586 8d ago
Can I ask what is it about being seen as gay by others that bothers you? This isn’t an attack as I felt the exact same way before I came out but understanding what it is specifically and working on that can really help.
If you are 30 and still not out I am assuming you are not the “stereotype” gay and so you coming out would be a shock to your friends?
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u/ReadyWeekend5094 8d ago
I get the feeling some people might know, but the main thing that bothers me is being talked about, and the fact that I am gay/have come out is being spread around, even in a small conversation way, nothing dramatic. I just want to be myself and not have a thing made about it. I would love there to be a way I could come out, own it and let it move on and I just live my life. Ideally I don't come out at all and I just started dating guys but I can't imagine walking into a gay bar as a first step
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u/Euphoric-Agent-9441 8d ago
Can I suggest therapy before u come out? If u have this much internalised homophobia youre probably not ready for a relationship x
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u/ReadyWeekend5094 8d ago
Would this be more social anxiety/something similar, or is it internalised homophobia? Not sure how it classes as internalised homophobia, thanks!
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u/Euphoric-Agent-9441 8d ago
Are u afraid of people talking about you about other topics? Or would just thinking people are talking about u being gay trigger u?
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u/No_Flounder_9586 8d ago
Not everything is internalised homophobia 🙄 not liking aspects of gay culture isn’t fear or hatred. Being gay doesn’t mean you have to like and accept everything the gay community does and says.
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u/Euphoric-Agent-9441 8d ago
No i wasnt referring to gay/queer culture. I wasnt referring to "everything"... id be concerned about the aspects of what people think etc screams of insecurity and might be worth healing before getting into relationships for fear of attracting not healthy dynamics
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u/Euphoric-Agent-9441 8d ago
I just read back. Im actually not even sure what aspects of gay culture youre referencing tbh
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u/No_Flounder_9586 8d ago
I was referring to the preconceptions of how “gay” gays bars are in closested or straight men’s minds. How the overly flamboyant and “fem” perception is exaggerated in the media. When you said “internalised homophobia” I thought you were referring to that aspect. Which isn’t homophobic it’s just not liking or adhering to a gay stereotype. I may have misread what you were trying to say I just take issue with people who think not liking all of gay culture makes you homophobic.
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u/Euphoric-Agent-9441 8d ago
No im talking about that resistance inside to being gay, that clamming up or hiding. Thats a form of internalised homophobia. The OP doesnt sound fully comfortable with their own queerness which is sad. But actually coming out and being accepted can be very validating. Hopefully the reception is positive.
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u/ReadyWeekend5094 8d ago
And thanks, no offense taken! How did you overcome this if you don't mind sharing? If you don't want to share that's okay
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u/No_Flounder_9586 8d ago
Unfortunately unless you are a stereotypical gay that’s flamboyant etc you will come out over and over again to new friends, new work colleagues etc BUT the best way to handle that is to just bring it up organically and most people accept it in the moment, as in when discussing your weekend with a new colleague and you just state “ my boyfriend and I … “ more often then not they do a surprised pikachu face and say no more. It’s a “ gets easier with time thing “
I got over it by going to gay bars tbh. You have this feeling that it will be overwhelmingly GAY like glitter bombs go off as soon as you step inside and the fact it’s actually just a normal place full of (mostly) normal guys makes you feel silly for overthinking it. It’s a one step at a time thing, right now gay bars are scary, once you unclench and dip your toe in you’ll soon feel comfortable kissing a guy in public etc
I know what you mean about just living your life, you should have been experiencing all this stuff in your teens and 20s but the world doesn’t work like that even if it’s gotten vastly better over the last 15 years. Btw I’m 34 so I’m not so old queen dropping sagely wisdom ha1
u/ReadyWeekend5094 8d ago
Thanks so much for the advice, yes I used to imagine walking into the George that there'd be streamers and confetti everywhere, gay bars are all very much exaggerated in media lol
Thanks again, it's nice to hear you're only 34 and a similar age, you are coming across very sagely lol
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u/No_Flounder_9586 8d ago
Honestly man the hardest part of coming out is telling your family. Telling your friends is just either you think get would take it badly OR take the piss out of you and if it’s the latter you only have to just ve funnier then them ha
Gay bars in Dublin anyway are very chill for the most part. Unless you’ve a very very specific taste in music because the music choices are mega gay. 😂
Flattery will get you everywhere, that’s also sagely advice 😂😂
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u/ReadyWeekend5094 4d ago
Thanks haha just not sure what suits me best, telling my friends before doing anything, or just going ahead and joining gay events or clubs
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u/No_Flounder_9586 4d ago
I would say tell one friend first. Either your best friend or someone you feel you can trust etc
Is there any other gay men in yours or their life? Even just acquaintances, only as because straight men with no gay association even in their purest acceptance will ask you duuuuumb questions 😂 and it’s generally not malicious it’s just curiosity mostly. They might even offer to go to a bar bar or event with you.2
u/mangoparrot 8d ago
I found the personal development course run by Outhouse amazingly helpful to give me supports in these things.
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u/Illustrious-Repeat70 8d ago
Telling your family is the hardest part in my opinion so congratulations on that!!
Don’t over think it, I’m sure there’s one of the group that you know would be the okayest with it, start there and least then you’ve someone in the know to run stuff by.
Going to the bars will be a lot easier when you’re comfortable with yourself and loose the anxiety around people knowing.
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u/ReadyWeekend5094 8d ago
Thanks, I have one friend I think I could tell first and definitely be accepting but not sure if they could keep it to themselves. We only became friends recently so I feel I would be worried they would tell others thinking that they wouldn't pass it on either lol
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u/Illustrious-Repeat70 8d ago
Yeah I get that fear and it’s definitely a possibility but most decent people wouldn’t.
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u/ReadyWeekend5094 8d ago
Hopefully so, thanks!
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u/Illustrious-Repeat70 8d ago
I was in the opposite situation as you, where all my friends knew but my family didn’t.
Most the lads were sound about it
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u/echoandinkDM 8d ago
As a later in life queer, I was really nervous to officially "come out" to my friend group, I had it in my head that some of them might treat me differently and that our relationships would never be the same. But, I couldn't have been more wrong.
I recommend starting small. Pick someone or two someone's within the friend group you feel most comfortable with, and tell them first. It will help build confidence as you address the rest. I think you will be surprised how many of your friends already know or have suspected and love you anyway.
Like you, I am not a big fan of going to places to meet people alone (whether they are queer spaces or not), it's nice to have someone you know there. If there is a LGBTQI+ group in your area they might be a good place to start meeting fellow queer people. The one in Limerick meets a few times a month for coffee and its a descent size group of us.
Good luck! Excited for you
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u/ReadyWeekend5094 4d ago
Thanks so much for the advice! I actually don't mind joining events on my own but there's added nervousness around it being a gay event and it'd be the first time I'd do anything in a gay space so it'd be a sort of coming out
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u/mangoparrot 8d ago
Are you in Dublin
Why not drop into Outhouse first. The cafe is relaxed and the PDC course might help you a lot.
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u/Spasticat0r 8d ago
Just go for it!!! Most gay bars are quite friendly. … or perhaps give some apps a go?… meeting someone and suggesting going to a bar for a quiet drink would be a great way to break the ice :)