r/Marriage • u/SurlyJohn009 30 Years • 7h ago
Seeking Advice The indifference is killing our marriage
Known my second wife for 31 years, been married 25 of them. There is a new issue that is slowly ruining my years with her.
In 2024 I caught her starting an emotional affair with a co-worker subordinate half her age, she was 48 at the time and starting perimenopause. More about this later. Her behavior changed so dramatically, I knew something was going on.
I figured out it was one of her new hires, I knew him from a bank event a month earlier. He was a good looking "pretty boy", which is my wife's nickname for young men like him. Talking with my wife, explaining that a 25 year old man wants sex and not a "friend" from her fell on deaf ears. She dismissed my concerns as "controlling" and "jealous." I'm not jealous, I will not stay married to a cheating spouse.
I went to the source and met this young man after work one day to talk to him. I asked him directly if he was cheating with her, or planned to, and what he would do if I divorced her. He told me she never flirted, but never turned him away. He took it as she would cheat with him eventually, and he had zero plans after he had sex with her. What I suspected.
I confronted my wife and asked for her phone, actually took it from her when she was texting this guy during our dinner with our son and myself. She looked upset when I started reading the many text chains. It started innocently, but as time went on the guy started flirting and asking for sex. My wife didn't flirt back, but she never stopped this inappropriate texting, she loved the attention.
I told her this was it, decision time. She could stay married to me, or move on to pretty boy and be divorced. She cried and yelled at me, told me I was controlling and possessive for not letting her "have a friend..." This was not a friend, this was more. I explained what an emotional affair is, the path to a physical affair and how she was walking down that path. She finally realized what she was doing.
She told me she would stop talking to him and that he was trying for a promotion in corporate HQ in a Midwest state, about 2,000 miles from where we live. He got the promotion and moved two weeks later.
She told me she would stop pursuing young men. She would focus on our marriage and our autistic son and be a better wife to me. She has done this, but here is the issue.
Now that I stopped that emotional affair, she resents me. I see it everyday, the indifference is so loud. Her passion is gone, she is committed to me, she hasn't shown any wandering eye behaviors and I'm watching, but it's not even close to pre EA.
I need advice especially from people that have dealt with this type of situation. I can't stay in a marriage where I'm not wanted, but my boy is autistic and I care for him much more than my corporate focused wife does.
TL:DR: I stopped an EA in 2024. Now my wife resents me and is showing indifference to our relationship. We have an autistic son together. Would love to hear any similar experiences for advice.
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u/Afraid-Jaguar4282 6h ago
Man, that's tough. You basically pulled the emergency brake before the train wreck and now she's mad the ride stopped. It feels like she's not mourning the loss of you, she's mourning the loss of the attention and that fantasy life she was building in her head.
You killed the buzz and now you're the buzzkill. That resentment you're seeing is her blaming you for taking away the thing that made her feel alive, even though that thing was a grenade with the pin pulled. The indifference is the quiet tantrum after you took the toy away.
Staying just for your son is a slow death, but I get why you're doing it. Just make sure you're not setting yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm. She made her choice to stay, but she's gotta actually commit to the marriage, not just the logistics of it.
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u/SurlyJohn009 30 Years 6h ago
Could not agree more. I think the exact same thoughts about this.
My son turned 14 start of October. I have 4 years before he is an adult. I owe him those 4 years at least, and care lined up for the rest of his life. He is high functioning, but he will always need help. I do 75% of his care, this is a huge factor why I stay. My wife does not drive, she wrecks often and chose to stop driving. When I leave, my son will feel it.
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u/NoSyllabub5932 5h ago
Gosh, she chases men half her age and can't drive a car without a wreck?????? You would be better of divorced and have custody of your son.
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u/Far_Prior1058 5h ago
If you think this marriage has an expiration date (and it sounds like it does) start preparing for it. I would suggest marriage counseling if for nothing else than to be able to exist without the friction. Good luck
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u/Positive-Glove6164 6h ago
Honestly I think we forget the basics sometimes, aside from the obvious promise of loyalty, emotional affairs suck because it leads to emotional neglect to you- the husband, meaning the affair stopping but the neglect going on is saying the same problem still persists, so you should handle it as such...if you think she's hormonal with the perimenopause and it's something you can actively work with her in, go ahead, but it's okay to choose yourself.. especially in circumstances like this, that can be however it looks like to you, if it's been too long you don't want to divorce then you can set boundaries..but if you can and want to leave, it's as good of a read as any.
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u/SurlyJohn009 30 Years 6h ago
Thank you, it is nice to see that I'm thinking along these same lines. I have no one in my life I can talk to IRL that won't judge me as one comment already has here.
Her perimenopause and menopause has made her very hormonal and she has even told me she feels very different and listed the symptoms. Her EA started when she started perimenopause. I spoke with her woman doctor and said it is "very common for women hitting perimenopause to cheat. The body and mind push one last time and create the shift in hormones." She is a good doctor, so that has a lot to do with the entire situation. I went with my wife when she took me up on my offer to go to the doctor with her.
My wife has just started HRT. We will see in a month if anything changes. We don't fight, we just don't hang with each other anymore. That is the indifference.
I will do anything she asks with her HRT. Doctors visits and prescriptions picked up each and everytime.
Thank you sincerely.
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u/Positive-Glove6164 6h ago
You are welcome, and don't allow anyone to diminish all that you've already done for your marriage, and of course if you you love her by all means do all that you can to fight for her..
Just don't betray and hurt yourself in the process.
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u/Any_Repair_1640 5h ago
I’d do a little research into that, at least. The idea the perimenopause causes women to become mindless zombie cheaters, and that this is “common” is just not correct. Maybe it’s a “contributing factor” but I would not use that as a catch all. Remember, your wife puts herself above you and your son in general. That to me stands out more. I mean, hope it turns out well and all but her behaviour and attitude looks pretty consistent.
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u/manthe 7m ago
When my wife got on HRT (3+ years ago), we started to see some improvement inside of a few weeks. But it took a few months and 2 upwards adjustments in dosage to finally hit the sweet spot. She’s been back to her ‘normal’ self and stable on the HRT for years.
As someone else mentioned, I wouldn’t put this all on perimenopause/hormone imbalances. It might have been a factor, but it is largely personality & character driven. As soon as my wife started having symptoms, she came to me and leaned on me and talked to me. We didn’t realize what was going on at 1st. When it finally became apparent that it might be perimenopause/hormone issues, she made it a priority to see a doctor and start getting help.
My point is, there were never any issues with fidelity or mistreatment or being checked out, etc. She wouldn’t allow herself to not address things or go down any dark paths. As soon as she started feeling different (for her the big initial symptom was anxiety), she came running to me so we could figure it out together. That’s her character. HRT will surely help, but HRT can’t fix character. That requires a different type of treatment. If it were me, I’d make individual and couples counseling a non negotiable. I wish you luck.
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u/NoSyllabub5932 5h ago
Your wife is not in love with you, she is staying for convenience at this point. Not sure what her obsession with such young guys is but it definitely is not healthy and probably won't end.
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u/DaikonSubstantial120 3h ago
‘ I stopped an EA in 2024.”
The fact that you can write that comment and not understand the implications is more alarming than the EA your wife could not stop.
Maybe it is just me ,but if I needed to stop the EA ,than I would need to stop the marriage!
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u/SurlyJohn009 30 Years 3h ago
I thought about it, I still think about it two years later. She said something this morning that made me post this. She did text him to stop the same day I went to talk to him. That was too late for me.
My autistic boy keeps me here more than anything else. I posted the details of his care, I do about 75% of it. Another post stated marriages have an expiration date, I think mine is there.
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u/dr-joshtrippingwords 6h ago
As a dad to an autistic child I respect your actions and hope you find some relief. As I’m sure you know, neurodivergent children typically need an emotionally safe home environment that is stable, predictable to truly thrive. If you staying with your wife will provide that, then that’s fine but if it contributes to a toxic environment, co-parenting whilst staying apart may be best for your child. Wishing you all the best.
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u/SurlyJohn009 30 Years 2h ago
Thank you, and I appreciate the comments from people with autistic children. I am not toxic towards my wife, especially around my son. My wife and I had a long talk today, her bestie told her I posted this, I'm not hiding. She asked me if I was going to leave, I told her I'm undecided, that her indifference is telling me how she really feels. She apologized, said she feels like I could leave her anytime. This is not true, but may be contributing to how she is acting towards me.
My son needs stability, you understand that factor. This isn't the typical, "kids do better when parents divorce." I will care for him for at least until he is 18. Then I will make sure he has care for his lifetime. If I divorce, I will make sure he is always taken care of by one of us or a professional caretaker.
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u/OctoberLibra1 5h ago
Your wife loved the attention. She felt beautiful because a hot, young, guy desired her. He was flirting with her. He was lustful for her. He probably made her feel like she was in her 20s again. Its a powerful thing to happen to her, and it sucks for you. Now she doesn't have those feelings anymore, which felt like the fountain of youth. What she did is bad, no excuses for her. But if you can show her some sort of empathy, and do things to make her feel as special and desired as that young guy, I think you guys can get through this.
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u/SurlyJohn009 30 Years 3h ago edited 3h ago
She was informed by her bestie that I posted this. I will update the original post. My wife just had a talk with me. She did say it was lust and asked me if I've ever had a "work crush". I have, but the difference was I didn't act on it.
She told me her mind was all over the place and she didn't think she would cross any lines. I don't shame her, but I called BS on that explanation. She knew exactly what she was doing and she loved the attention. I defend her as a good mother, a hard worker, and she can be very compassionate to me. But I don't defend her conversing with young guys into EA territory.
I just cooked dinner for her and my son, we watched a bunch of college football and she kept asking me if I was thinking of leaving her.
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u/CuriouserCuriouser99 30 Years 3h ago
I am glad that you had that in depth talk with her. Also good that you called her on her BS.
You staying for your son is admirable and shows the true nature of your person. After the talk do you believe she will change the indifference she has been displaying? It may have already started with the family time today watching college football followed up by the talk you had. Does she really understand the harm she caused her marriage and you and do you expect she will reinvest in the marriage and you?
Updateme
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u/SurlyJohn009 30 Years 2h ago
She told me she feels she damaged my trust, which she did. She thinks I will leave her any time I feel the need. This is one big reason she is acting so cold, I get that point of view, that is me not talking it out. I will change that, I started the conversation today.
I won't leave because of my son, I also don't want to lose her. I know I'm very matter of fact, but I love her more than anyone else I've ever been with.
She seemed to want to make our marriage solid again. She did bring up all her changes in the past two years, but I countered with her indifference. She told me that she will work on it more, even asked what I felt was the best way to improve things between us.
So yes, I will give her the benefit of the doubt until she proves me wrong. Her finding out about this post was a great thing, I think her reading all of this was much better than me saying it to her.
I appreciate all the comments, it has helped me to figure this out.
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u/CuriouserCuriouser99 30 Years 2h ago
It does sound promising that the future will get better. Giving her opportunity to show real change is a good decision, coupled with her recognizing she has done this twice now.
With the menopause in full swing or fully set do you still have intimacy? This gets more complicated post menopause so it gets more challenging but could be an avenue for getting closer. She must still be a looker for a guy half her age to lust for her. Show her you lust for her too.
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u/SurlyJohn009 30 Years 2h ago
She is 50 and amazing looking, I'm biased of course, but she gets a lot of attention still. She is now in menopause and she initiates twice a week usually. I told her years ago I would let her decide as in perimenopause I never knew where I stood sex wise. She found a good woman's health doctor and told me she will take HRT to improve both our lives. I wish her relief, she does seem miserable at times.
I tell her I love her and how beautiful she is daily. I started wearing my gold wedding ring again as I had switched to a silicone one since I kept scratching and denting this one. She was so happy, she started to tear up. This has been an issue for many years. I will make sure she knows I lust after her like I always have. And I agree with you 100%.
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u/CuriouserCuriouser99 30 Years 1h ago
It seems encouraging that even during the two years of indifference she still sought intimacy with you. I truly hope you both find your way back to the before time, or better.
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u/OctoberLibra1 2h ago
You mentioned perimenopause. Im a women in peri, and let me tell you. Its an impossible time. Besides your hormones, you feel yourself literally disappearing. And if you're an attractive woman, losing your face, losing your body, losing control of your mind, feeling trapped and invisible, and then an outside distraction steps in...she didnt handle it right, she should have left it at feeling flattered, but I doubt your wife wants to end her marriage.
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u/InsaneAsura 5h ago
The fact that you had to explain to her that she is partaken in an emotional affair and she acted like she didn’t know (total BS by the way. She knew exactly what she was doing hence hiding it from you) and now she shows open resentment is proof enough that she is not capable of introspection or self reflection at her ripe age. This type of cheater DOES NOT change because they don’t see anything wrong with their behaviour and blame you for their fuzzy feelings ending. You should discreetly look into divorce
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u/AmazingDrama971 6h ago
I think she did it to feel desired
Not be only a wife and the mother of an autistic child
I don’t say that she was right just that she was not good then
So she must feel trapped because she did not choose you did it but you did do anything to change the causes
She should do individual counselling because she is not well
And you should do couple counselling too
Autistic child is not easy (2 here) and you should take quality Time together, support each other
She did wrong but she need help to reconnect to herself then after this Hopefully to you
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u/ttdpaco 5h ago
I'm trying to understand what you're saying here.
The way you're presenting this seems to be more like you're excusing her than explaining actual motivation for what she did. (Which, to be fair, may be from several other commenters doing a similar thing.)
No matter the circumstances (as my late wife and I had two autistic children, and, even after she passed I continued to raise them by myself and then with my girlfriend,) "not cheating" is one of the easiest rules of a relationship to keep up. And that breach of trust leaves a deep scar in the partner cheated on for life and it does not go away.
There's no excuse for it, and while someone can have compassion towards their cheating partner to forgive them, she is resentful and acting with indifference. She does not care to fix this issue and she doesn't care about him. She's just going through the motions until he leaves, and hopefully he does. He does not deserve a partner that cheats, then acts like a child when they're caught.
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u/AmazingDrama971 4h ago edited 4h ago
No I am not trying to justify what she did but to explain how she went there
Because that’s the reason why she is like actuallly
To come back from an affair or an almost one Llike here work is necessary on the cause of it
And OP took action not her
I am not saying he should have let this happen
Just that therapy should have been done then
For context mother of 3 children with special needs, 2 autistics and I did not cheat, I had been cheated on (whole thing)
So I understand the pain and don’t justifie cheating
I am saying that to mend your relation you have to treat the cause
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u/Alternative-Mode702 5h ago
Trigger warning - Going against the majority opinion here so don’t read if it will upset you. I am a 60 year old woman and have worked in office settings most of my adult life. I’d be 1000% pissed oft at my husband if he treated me like this. You “caught” her starting an emotional affair so you confronted some junior employee at work about whether he wants to have sex with her. WTF. That is so controlling, disrespectful and humiliating.
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u/Big-Web8422 6h ago
You blow up her sex combination, source of attraction, attention and passion and make her feel ashamed. Of course she resents you.
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u/PooferLlama 6h ago
If you want to disable an affair, then you need to understand (and make her feel understood on) why she would seek an affair in the first place.
You addressed the symptom, not the cause. And, you did it in a way that I still consider very controlling overall and without a complete consideration about the consequences on her.
You have been married to her for 25 years and known her for 31 years.
Would your wife of 25 years say you understand her? Make her feel loved? Make her happy?
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u/theblackdawnr3 6h ago
Way to blame the victim 🙄
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u/SurlyJohn009 30 Years 6h ago edited 6h ago
I was very caring and loving with my wife we are trauma bonded as I have dealt with cancer and she has Crohn's disease. I've been there for her when she was dying and after many operations. I love her as much as I did when we got married, and I express it daily.
But these past two years I feel a huge shift. And why blame me, I stopped the affair the best way I knew how to. I spoke with my wife multiple times, and got no where. So I moved on to the other party and it ended.
"very controlling overall and without a complete consideration about the consequences on her."
I should have just let my wife cheat and end our marriage, interesting take. Victim shaming.
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u/OpeningBandicoot7418 6h ago
Don’t pay attention. You acted very wisely by showing your character and lancing the boil.
I think your wife’s current emotional distance is a temporary phenomenon, truly caused, as someone said, by resentment over the toy that was taken away.
The future of your marriage depends on how long you’re willing to wait.
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u/OpeningBandicoot7418 6h ago
Sorry, I just realized that the situation happened in 2024. Phew. Two years of emotional punishment is, of course, too much.
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u/SurlyJohn009 30 Years 6h ago
She has improved with our son, she is more focused on everything else in our lives. The two years has improved slowly, not the same compared to pre EA. We have talked and she is glad I talked to him, she told me this a couple months back. She is regretful, but I don't shame her at all. She tells me her mind is back, but she has no drive any longer. Hormones, and she is addressing HRT just recently. I have hope for her, anything to ease her lack of feelings.
But I value her behavior over her words.
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u/PooferLlama 6h ago edited 5h ago
You talk a lot about what you did that was right. I don't see you considering what you might have missed or could have been wrong.
If you're not aware of things you could have changed on your end to prevent an affair, then how can you prevent it in the future?
I should have just let my wife cheat and end our marriage, interesting take. Victim shaming.
Your marriage has been dead for a long time. You're just seeing the effects of it given her pursuit of an affair and now her resentment of you.
She's with you, but not happily. She's indifferent towards you. Is that how you want your marriage to go?
Your tendency to paint yourself as the victim, over trying to learn what new skills you can learn, is just gonna bite you in the butt in the long-run.
Also, two whole years you felt a shift and did what to improve your marriage? I get the inkling you didn't do anything significant.
Two whole years? If you felt pain in your body that lasted longer than a week, then would you wait 2 years before consulting a doctor in some way? Or, would you schedule something more immediate?
If I notice something is off, then I try to address it almost immediately!
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Also, and I expect this to be controversial, but I believe people can be with whoever they want to be with. They can have sex with whoever they want. I don't have the right to dictate that for them.
I just focus on trying to become the person they genuinely want to be loyal to anyway. It's not that hard or complicated. Just be a loving/caring/understanding/curious person who places consistent effort towards them.
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I'm trying to help you the best way I can. If you don't like my advice, then feel free to disregard.
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u/PooferLlama 6h ago
How am I blaming the victim here?
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u/theblackdawnr3 6h ago
“You addressed the symptom and not the cause” as if he’s the one that’s supposed to fix his wife having an emotional affair.
That’s not to mention you saying he found addressed the affair in a controlling way.
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u/PooferLlama 6h ago
“You addressed the symptom and not the cause” as if he’s the one that’s supposed to fix his wife having an emotional affair.
Hold up. He stopped the affair recently. But, does he have any real understanding on how to prevent future ones (aside from just leaving his wife of 25 years)?
I'm not holding him responsible for her behavior. That's within her control and those are her choices. I'm not speaking to her.
I'm trying to help OP develop a growth mindset so that he can learn healthy lessons from this painful experience.
I'd imagine she would not even be considering an affair if she was happy in the first place. Throwing away a 25 year marriage for an affair does not make sense to me. So, I'm trying to help him understand those roots before making premature decisions.
So many times I have seen men demonize the person having the affair immediately. Not even trying to understand what went wrong, where they may have come up short, and so on. I literally know a guy who has been with over 100 women who have all left him in some capacity but he refuses to look inward at all. He always blames the woman.
His lack of accountability has just led him to bitterness and loneliness. It's literally not a mystery to me though. I don't feel sorry for him either.
Contrast that to other people who have been cheated on and choose to look within. In the short-term, it hurts to look within. But, at the end of it all, they are able to gain complete peace of mind. Any feelings towards their ex are not ones of contempt or hatred. If they feel anything at all towards them, I usually see it as they feel bad for them but they don't wanna be with them ever again. They've moved on entirely AND they enter new relationships and are supremely happy.
I want OP to be happy too. If his relationship can be saved, and there's something that he can grow within himself to do so, then that'd be amazing. If the relationship cannot be saved, because no matter how much he grows it doesn't make a difference, then at least he'd be thriving in a future relationship.
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That’s not to mention you saying he found addressed the affair in a controlling way.
I still maintain it was controlling. He went to this wife's potential affair partner and did what he could to disable the affair. Is that what his wife wanted? Probably not.
He took away a choice from her against her desire. Do I like her wanting an affair? Of course not, but to me it's clear why she would resent him for behavior.
I can see why she'd consider him controlling.
If he's going to defend himself rather than prioritizing understand her, then I can already see why she would consider other options in the first place.
There's just no way she could feel loved if her husband doesn't even really understand her.
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u/Life_Emotion1908 6h ago
AKA "She must have had a reason to cheat." AKA victim blaming.
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u/PooferLlama 6h ago
Of course, she has a reason to cheat. Are you saying people who have affairs don't have reasons for why they cheat?
I'm not saying it's a good reason or a bad reason. But, it has to be understandable, no?
It could be a her problem or it could be a him problem or somewhere in between.
If OP realize that it's completely a her problem, then he walk away with peace of mind.
But, if there are some awful things that he did to contribute towards her wanting to consider others in the first place, then doesn't it behoove him to understand those and grow?
Either way, isn't it just a smart idea to understand (not saying agree) his wife of 25 years in the first place?
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u/theblackdawnr3 6h ago
You treat getting cheated on in a relationship like a Soulsborne boss. “What did I do to push her to cheat on me? “How can I take accountability for her cheating on me?”
How about instead of trying to figure out how to get her not to cheat, SHE figures out how not to cheat? If things were so bad for her, she could have actually verbalized what she wanted instead of going somewhere else to look for it.
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u/PooferLlama 5h ago
"Hi, OP here's some advice on what you can do that's completely within your control...tell her to change"
Yeah, that's the type that brings couples together happily
/s
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u/Any_Repair_1640 6h ago
She wasn’t looking to feel loved, happy, or understood. Hilariously bad read on your part. She wanted to fuck a “pretty boy” half her age.
Not all people who seek affairs were “driven” to it, as you suggest. Some people follow their desires with more “moral flexibility” than others.
There are many possibilities.
You sound like a repentant born again who reads all situations the same way based on your own history.
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u/PooferLlama 5h ago
There are many possibilities, I completely agree.
Does OP understand what possibility his wife is on yet? Or, could he be making premature decisions off of incomplete data?
It's possible she's "immoral". But, is that type of thinking (as a first response and not a last resort) a good idea to maintain for a marriage? Let alone a 25 year marriage?
And, if she really is immoral or whatever, then OP can just leave her. If he thinks so poorly about her, then just divorce her already. Neither of them are good for each other then.
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u/Any_Repair_1640 6h ago
She stopped cos she got smoking gun caught, not because she “realized what she was doing”. She wanted a NSA fuck.
Ain’t that special. I would never see her the same way again, guess you will have to make a decision of some kind, how you want the next chapter of your life to go.
He was just the one you knew about.
This was not an emotional affair either, it was a regular affair that didn’t (or did?) get across the finish line.