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u/redmambo_no6 ‘86 2h ago
I didn’t find my person until last year and I just turned 40 yesterday lol
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u/Appropriate-Bug-6467 1h ago
There are people over 30 who have never tried being single, instead hopping from one toxic relationship to toxic relationship being miserable the whole time.
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u/Due-Sheepherder-218 1h ago
Yup some people would rather be annoyed vs be alone. Crazy to me.
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u/PunningWild 15m ago
I'm in my 40s, and watching half my friends' marriages collapse and degrade into misery because they were so afraid of enduring a single life I've been comfortably coasting on for several years now. Yesterday while driving home, there was a song on the classic 80s channel I haven't heard since college.
I gave you candy, gave you diamonds, gave you pills
Gave you everything you want. Hundred dollar bills.
I even let you watch the shows you want to see
Because you married me, married me, married me.Time has done tremendous favors to "Anything, Anything" by Dramarama, because when those lyrics hit me this time, I felt it, I understood. As much as there are times people will benefit by having another in their lives, there are equally important times where people need to live alone and figure themselves out first.
For me, I think I'm ready to get back out there again. But there's solace in that having experienced a life others would deride as "lonely" for a while, and knowing there's nothing to fear about it.
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u/Chumlee1917 2h ago
You know the phrase there a plenty of fish in the sea? The fish refuse to bite
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u/Exotic-Fuel-8420 1h ago
you know what’s also in the sea? trash. there’s lot of trash in the sea too.
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u/AttentionNo6359 2h ago
Ok, but do you ever actually…you know…go fishing?
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u/MrNiceguy037 2h ago
Let's wait for the fish to jump out of the water into my arms while I blame the fish for not doing so
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u/Astra-Fang Millennial 2h ago
Plenty of Fish was a fun dating website though.
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u/mightysockelf Xennial 2h ago
That was the only site where I actually met people in real life. Everyone on other sites were content to hide behind their computer and never want to do anything but chat.
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u/TheDesktopNinja Millennial - 1987 2h ago
I've gotten them to bite. I just get bored of the fight when I'm reeling them in and cut the line. Leaves me unfulfilled and them with a bad experience. I've realized I'm probably just not made for a real relationship. It doesn't gel with me.
Only part that sucks is the dying alone.
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u/hydrus909 59m ago
Everyone dies alone. They don't build a coffin for two. What people really mean when they say they don't want to die alone is they don't want to die single.
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u/MercifulOtter 2h ago
That isn't always a bad thing or a red flag. Is it in some cases? Yes, but there are plenty of times where a relationship just hasn't happened for someone and they're not a terrible person.
People put too much importance on romantic relationships.
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u/Elevator829 Millennial 95 2h ago
Many ppl are just shy/insecure and never make "the first move" for instance if 2 shy people really like eachother then theres a good chance nothing will happen bc neither will be brave enough to progress things 🤣
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u/Ok-Tell9019 2h ago
Both my fiancé and i had never actually dated anyone until each other at 29 years old. We both had had flings and “talked” to people but nothing serious until each other 🤷
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u/jakethabake 2h ago
My girlfriend is 29 and we started dating in may and I’m her first boyfriend. I love it honestly, there’s zero ex baggage and she’s trying more than anyone I’ve ever been with. She values me immensely and I don’t think she would have the same perspective if she hadn’t had such bad luck dating before me.
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u/beepdeeped 1h ago
This sounds bad on you, dog.
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u/OneLorgeHorseyDog 49m ago
Isn’t your attitude just further entrenching the people referenced in the OP? They’re adults, not untouchables.
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u/SuspiciousMouser 2h ago
by 20? Sure, but by 30? That’s a lot of years without having formed romantic bonds and attraction. They might not be a terrible person but there’s likely something not right with them at the very least
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u/jakethabake 2h ago
Who’s to say what people are “right”
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u/IamTotallyWorking 1h ago
Psychologists. They probably wouldn't say "not right," but I would certainly guess that people that have never been in a romantic relationship for the age of 30 would have a higher likelihood to be determined by a psychologist or mental health professional as having some sort of condition or something that needs treatment
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u/OneLorgeHorseyDog 41m ago
Why? Why couldn’t someone just place a different value on such things from others? Why can’t people be different instead of wrong, in your eyes?
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u/theaveragemillenial 1h ago
It's a bad sign, ain't no getting around that.
Pretending it isn't doesn't help anyone.
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u/StilettoJones_JR 1h ago
I think it all comes down to if you actually want it.
If you failed to make that relationship and are completely healthy enough physically and mentally it's nothing to make fun of someone for, but it's probably an issue for them.
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u/theaveragemillenial 1h ago
Humans aren't meant to be alone, I'd suggest wanting to be is problematic in itself.
At least long term, wanting to be single for a period is obviously legitimate.
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u/Fresher_Taco 1h ago
Just because you're not in a romantic relationship doesn't mean you're alone.
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u/theaveragemillenial 1h ago
I mean, it does at a romantic relationship level.
Unless you count having sexual partnerships but not romantic ones.
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u/Fresher_Taco 1h ago
There are more relationship than romantic ones. You can have those and not be alone.
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u/theaveragemillenial 1h ago
Obviously I'm not arguing that fact.
But those relationships do not match the same intimate connection that a romantic relationship does.
And pretending otherwise is just being awkward.
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u/Fresher_Taco 1h ago
Humans aren't meant to be alone
I'm more of responding to this. Yes you objectively get different things out of a romantic one but not everyone needs or wants what specifically comes out of them and that's okay.
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u/theaveragemillenial 1h ago
I understand, I just disagree entirely.
Humans need companionship and that ultimately means romantic.
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u/SlightPhilosophy9664 2h ago
This is reality for some of us sadly. Most people can't actually imagine and don't really understand.
I'm 30 and never been in one, never had the self-esteem to date during uni, COVID hit right after I graduated, since then I've been in a depression rut that I've only just managed to really climb out of and find some little crumbs of contentment with life.
Now I'm trying to find something. Fully accepted that it's the reddest of red flags to be like this. Still, I hope I make it, but will just have to accept it if I don't I guess. Qué sera sera. I have my family and friends, so it's not like I'm alone. Still, it's a bit lonely. Parents don't really talk about grandkids any more...
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u/lone_wolf1580 2h ago
So what. There are reasons -or unknown reasons- why someone either chooses or doesn’t choose to be single 🤷🏻♀️.
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u/_herbsandspices_ 2h ago
I’m begging (some of) y’all to google aromantic/asexual 😭 Not everybody wants or cares about relationships, and that’s okay!
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u/The_starving_artist5 2h ago
Yah well I’m disfigured. That makes it alot more difficult to have romantic relationships when physical attraction is big part or romance . People say looks don’t matter but they do
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u/NoQuarterGiven Millennial 1h ago
There are people who CARE that there are people over 30 on this app that haven't been in a relationship once?
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u/Ninja_Franklin 2h ago
Yea me, 30’s and never felt to be wanted enough to be in a relationship.
Lead me to spiraling depression during military and when i left, never seeked help but was on verge of just a “life” meltdown and feeling like a loner,failure and wanting to kill myself.
Got diagnosed, got abunch of meds to “help” i still have those days where i wana just off myself.
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u/Astra-Fang Millennial 2h ago edited 2h ago
I was in a really bad place as well, bathing toaster territory, not showering for over a week.
Had to put a lot of effort into myself to even get a date, years between even a bite. just trying to say I was there.
You are worth it. Don’t let life take that away from you. No guarantees and it sure as fuck aint easy, but it is possible to get out.
Lean on your brothers in the armed forces. They have dealt with it and I know they won’t leave you behind.
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u/AmericanComplaint 2h ago
Everybody’s different. Nobody’s getting out of this alive. Be kind to each other. I don’t know how people fuck that up
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u/HippoCrit Millennial 2h ago
Meh,I don't think I'm missing much
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u/kykid87 Older Millennial 2h ago
You are
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u/BiteZealousideal1816 2h ago
Only if you end up in a good relationship. To each their own but from the outside most relationships look depressing.
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u/Sandgrease 2h ago
Nah, the people in the relationship make it depressing. Friendships and romantic relationships aren't passive events.
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u/kykid87 Older Millennial 2h ago
It's never a question of 'ending up' in one, it takes two people to MAKE a good one
Been with my wife for 21 years, married for 17. She's an incredible woman and I couldn't imagine a life without her.
We've worked together that whole time to make it what it remains.
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u/OneLorgeHorseyDog 44m ago
I’m happy for you, truly.
I think the real challenge, for those who are interested, is finding someone who you’re willing to put in that kind of work for.
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u/anTWhine 2h ago
Can I be real? As someone in a great marriage with a wife that enhances every part of my life, it’s a bummer to see people miss out because they imagine other people being unhappy. This shit is awesome.
Get out there and find someone that makes your life great. Start by putting in the work on yourself so when that great person shows up, they pick you.
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u/Joeness84 2h ago
Samesies for me. 12 years in (married for 6) and since day one she has brought nothing but joy to my life
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u/hydrus909 42m ago
Perhals you just got lucky. Congrats to you fir that. Many more rekationships and marriages fail and inevitably go sideways. You wouldn't be saying this if your marriage was struggling or had ended in messy divorce. Its a gamble and you lucked out. Everyone isn't that fortunate.
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u/Ok_Economist676 2h ago
Agreed you have a 50% chance of it working out if you get married. If you’re not married there’s an even higher chance of splitting up. Most relationships don’t work out. If you really spend the time and effort to find someone with similar values then maybe there’s a higher chance it works out.
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u/taxicab_ Millennial 2h ago
Current and projected Millennial divorce rates are lower than previous generations!
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u/hydrus909 37m ago
Because fewer are getting married to begin with. So of course divorce will also be lower. Perhaps this is a sign that younger generations are recognizing marriage as nothing more than a social/religious obligation and opting out. Where older generations did it in mass because you "had to" and "its just what you do", because reasons. Quality over quantity. Fewer young people are marrying, but the ones that are, are choosing more wisely before blindly jumping in.
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u/MidgetGordonRamsey 2h ago
Are these the once talked about 14 year olds in Twitter everyone was arguing with?
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u/Savings-Home387 1h ago
Maybe those people are waiting for their person to come along, focused on their education and career, had family matters to care for. It’s not always a bad thing.
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u/Due-Sheepherder-218 1h ago
I was having too much fun in my 20s partying every weekend. Got married at 38. Life is not a race.
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u/hydrus909 25m ago
This is the best response. The rush to have sex by or before 18, and married with a family, career, and home by 25 is ridiculous. And financially no longer feasible for most at the moment. Outside of that, everyone grows at their own pace.
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u/Mystique_Red_1337 1h ago
I'm single in my fourties because I indeed never make the first move. Getting rejected multiple times would take me many months to overcome. I'm too sensitive to it, and I chose to protect my energy.
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u/trippyhop 2h ago
Yes, and?
I don’t think this is a massive red flag or anything, and I dislike the narrative that it is. You don’t know what’s going on with a person. As many in the comments have mentioned, there are aromantic and asexual folks out there. Also: a relationship is time and work. If you do not have the space in your life for a relationship, why try to be in one out of some sort of societal obligation that means absolutely nothing other than to yourself?
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u/ScorpionBite20 2h ago edited 2h ago
Dont gossip behind my back 🥺😂 I want to be a boyfriend just dont go out as much I need to plus life is hard rn
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u/slyguy67420 1h ago
People have different life paths and it's garbage to judge people that aren't hurting others.
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u/mando_rodgers 2h ago
I’ve been single for a significant amount of time now. I’ve had relationships and flings when I was younger. At this point, I value peace over a relationship. Not that I’m not open to it. I have a solid 5 year plan. If someone comes along and wants to be a part of that, then awesome. If not, that’s ok too
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u/hydrus909 20m ago
Good answer. I have a friend who's miserable and clinging to a failing marriage because he's scared of being single again. He's not the only one I know going through that. Some how these people think being single is worse.
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u/mando_rodgers 9m ago
I’m not using it as a cope cuz I would love to be in a healthy relationship. However, it is really nice to not have to ask another adult permission to do the things I want. And I get part of a relationship is that you’re tackling life together and there’s compromises and what not. I’m just saying, there are perks of being single as well.
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u/StormerSage '96 2h ago
Had short lived relationships in the past, but have been single for 8 years.
Probably because I've been in the closet for 10 years and don't really wanna date until I can transition.
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u/OneLorgeHorseyDog 43m ago
I can see how not being able to date as your authentic self would be less than desirable!
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u/marymoonu 2h ago
I've been happily married 18 years, but I can still confidently say that most of them are probably just fine on their own. Humans sort of suck and if I didn't have my husband, I don't know that I would do another relationship either.
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u/DiscussionMoist1098 1h ago
Gay 42-year-old male. Didn’t get into my first, only, and last relationship until I was 33. (It ended back in June after 8.5 years)
I never thought I would ever be in one, especially as I got older and believed that no one would bother with someone who was X years old and had never been in a relationship (e.g., the person still has to learn all the ins and out and make all the mistakes of a first relationship).
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u/hydrus909 33m ago edited 29m ago
Man, people really are uncomfortable with other people being single or choosing to be. I think that gets to the bottom of many relations being toxic and not working out. Dating because you feel you must, will only result in relationships where you're not happy and it failing. What you get are a bunch of unhappy couples who see happy singles, and want them to join in the misery. And so you get posts like this attempting to shame single people.
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u/OrionsBeltAlone 15m ago
So? This is a rude post. Don't be so judgemental OP, you don't know what people's reasons are.
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u/Just_Another_Scott 2h ago
35 here and yeah dating apps require you to be HOT as a man. Otherwise, you are SOL. Why would a woman pick me, when she literally has thousands of other options, most of which are probably better.
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u/_herbsandspices_ 1h ago
Women feel the same way - why would a man pick a regular woman over a “hotter” person? The truth is we need to say fuck what everyone else thinks and stop comparing ourselves to others. Which is, as always, much easier said than done, lol.
Edit: wording
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u/hydrus909 53m ago
Dating apps backfired at their original intended purpose, which was to make dating easier and more accessible for all. Instead, all it did was, give women more access to the top 20% of men and the top 20% of men access to more women.
And thus, the natural balance, or rather, imbalance of dating was restored. Even amplified. Initially it leveled the playing field. But as women naturally only date up, and men date down or across, this was going to happen.
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u/orichic 2h ago
I’m 31 and was in one relationship for 5 years while my current relationship is going to be 7 years starting next month. That’s 12 years altogether being in a relationship. Half of 31 is 15.5. This means I’ve been in a relationship for roughly 39% of my entire life so far, which sounds like a lot when you put it into percentages.
Believe me when I say that I envy people who get to be single. Not to say my relationships are bad, but there are certain freedoms I tend to crave being a single lone wolf that you simply don’t get in a relationship.
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u/washcyclerepeat Zillennial 2h ago
I was a slut and a party dude in high school and for some years after. Dated a couple girls who would happily call themselves sluts. Happily single now at age 32. All the party and loving sluts and being a slut gets old and gross by your late 20’s early 30’s.
Of course I still am stuck liking bimbo looking women but that’s because I have “The Madonna Whore Complex” and I’ve accepted that. Rather be single because these women have been the worst to talk to or live with for the most part. If only I liked the look of a nice hippie girl that didn’t wear lots of makeup.
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