r/MovingtoHawaii • u/what-is-this-ish • 10d ago
Life in Maui County Divorced 42 yr old (F) seriously considering Hawaii & leaving NE
I’ve loved Hawaii and have been there twice. Please no hurtful comments …. I’m always respectful of the islands and I’m looking for honest feedback. I’m recently divorced (took longer than I anticipated) and Ive been discussing moving to Maui with my…I guess now ex bf. He travels for work and has established a life out there. I would be moving there from NE. I’m hoping to start life over in a place that is beautiful and hopefully make new friends, etc. I have a remote job and would probably look for a part time job. If my bf and I stay broken up…what’s the dating scene like out there? Where can I meet new friends? I’m a former fitness instructor and would love to take classes and meet others that way. I recently sold my house, signed divorce papers, and had to put down my soul dog because of his health… I essentially have nothing and I want to start over fresh. Am I crazy? Again please don’t be hurtful…I’ve been through the worst month of my life and now my maybe ex bf is pulling away after saying he wanted me divorced, etc. I make it happen and now he questions the relationship. Anyways… any advice (helpful kind advice) you have would be appreciated.
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u/Ambitious_Answer_150 10d ago
I'm so sorry for what your going through. Read the writing on the wall - this "ex" "bf" "maybe" is not worth your energy, do not move to be with him. Take time to find yourself again, your worth it but you have to believe in yourself. Rebuild your life and be happy again. I wish you good luck.
To answer your question with or wo bf do not move to Hawaii.
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u/what-is-this-ish 10d ago
Why do you say no to Hawaii?
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u/Ambitious_Answer_150 10d ago
The costs involved with moving are lots of $$$. Everything from housing, food, etc is expensive. Your also in a very bad mindset atm. The biggest factor is a support system. If anything goes wrong (lose job, hurricane, sickness) who can help you? You've gone through a lot and you need time to heal and rebuild. DO NOT chase after your ex.
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u/what-is-this-ish 10d ago
Thank you for your honesty.
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u/Ambitious_Answer_150 10d ago
I wish you the best and mean what I said. Take care of YOU! 🩷
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u/what-is-this-ish 10d ago
Thank you 🥺. Life has been pretty brutal lately lol. I don’t even know who I am without my dog but I know how unhappy I am here. I’ve never been very independent which is maybe what’s really pushing me extra to want to do this… do something for myself for a change…just very hard when for months you pictured it with the person you love and now you don’t even know if they want to be with you. Fml lol. I do appreciate your kindness
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u/TheSwanPanky 10d ago
I’m really sorry about what you’re going through. Especially your soul dog. That’s heartwrenching
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u/helloditto 10d ago
Kindly, I hope you find yourself in a better place soon but with all respect If you’re at a difficult moment of your life, Hawaii won’t fix those problems.
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u/VanillaBeanAboutTown 10d ago
Aloha!
I think it might be helpful for you to try to think more about what you want and why.
If you want to move to Maui for your now ex... No. Assume you will stay broken up even if you move to Maui. Imagine running into him everywhere and he's with another woman. Maui is a small town.
If you are just looking for a place to start over while you have no obligations, I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all. I think moving can result in really positive life changes sometimes. But if that's what you want to do, I think you ought to figure out some other ideas of where you might want to go. Maui shouldn't just be the default because that's what your former plans were.
Think more about your job situation. As plenty others mentioned, it's difficult to get remote work employers to go along with Hawaii requirements. Even if you do get the okay on that, what if you want to leave your job or you get let go? What other options would you have on Maui? The answer might be practically none. Do you have the finances to survive something like that going wrong?
You mentioned dating. That's hard anywhere. It's worse on a small island with a small pool of single and available people. Maui and Hawaii in general has a brain drain effect of educated college grads and professionals leaving the islands because similar jobs in the mainland pay much better and there's more career advancement opportunities.
Wishing you nothing but the best. Divorce is very life changing. Hope you are able to focus on what makes you as an individual happy without needing a partner. So sorry to hear of the loss of your pup...at some point when you're ready, getting a new pup might make me of a difference in your daily happiness than a tropical island ever could.
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u/_mojodojocasahouse_ 9d ago
Idk man. While I sympathize with your situation, Hawaii isn’t a place known for immediately adopting outsiders (aka mainlanders) into their community. It’s more so legacy and word of mouth backed up by someone vouching for you.
Imagine dating? Rebounding is even worse.
Girl get that move out of your way but manage your expectations because wherever you go, there you are.. You deserve to focus on you.
Also, monkey-branching is worse than rebounding. Keep the doors of the past CLOSED.
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u/AutoModerator 10d ago
Is your current remote job able to employ you when living in Hawai'i for 60+ days?
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u/Ok-Train3111 10d ago
Being honest..friends are not super likely for a while and dating in Maui is a poor prospect unless you’re just looking for sex with tourists
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u/cakilaraki 9d ago
Yes you’re being crazy. Move on don’t let it drag out 😭 ps im soooo so sorry about your soul dog </3 start fresh somewhere new far from your ex. There are plenty of beautiful places all over! Best of luck to you sis!
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u/Exciting-Parfait-776 10d ago
Can you afford the move and have you looked at the cost of living there?
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u/what-is-this-ish 10d ago
Yes at least for a few years if nothing changes financially for me. I got some money from the sale of my house and some alimony money. It’s not a million bucks but it’s enough to help me get established. But keeping my job and not getting a second job or finding a higher paid job will be one a problem after a few years I think
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u/notrightmeowthx 9d ago
Dating on Oahu as a woman is like 50% military (I recommend not dating military guys but of course you do you), 30% tourists/temporary residents (many people are here half the year and say they live here, again I recommend avoiding these guys because they don't really live here), 10% fresh transplants that are almost certainly going to move away in the immediate future, and 10% actual long term residents/locals.
Your best bet would be getting out and socializing, joining hobbies that are popular here. Kayaking, hiking, etc.
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u/shootzbalootz 9d ago
Hawaii and especially Maui is not great for friends and dating. But if you're single, no kids and have money, yolo I guess.
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u/MassiveBoot7962 9d ago
Hawaii is extremely expensive and Maui is somewhat remote. I would only do it if YOU want to, not because of your partner. I sold everything and booked a 1 way ticket to Oahu and while I wouldn’t change a thing, it’s been incredibly difficult to stay afloat (jobs pay little, everything is 3x the cost, there’s a lot of transient people, etc). Hawaii is also very very different than the mainland, and having people here who can support you is paramount. So if you move here only for him, and things don’t work out, that will be a big pain in the catookus.
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u/mothandravenstudio 10d ago
Make sure your remote job will allow you to move here. Yes, companies will tell you that you can, until they actually talk to legal. Ask me how I know!
We are very lucky we have other avenues to make money and other assets, but yeah- establishing nexus in Hawai’i is seriously hard for companies, it’s arguably the hardest state in the entire country to do so.
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u/TimeforPotatoChips 9d ago
FYI: NE = Nebraska
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u/what-is-this-ish 9d ago
NE is also New England lol but maybe more so for those of us who live out here
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u/Libert1stUSA77 7d ago
Maui is one of the most expensive places to live in Hawaii. Maui is a beautiful island and filled with awesome people but the high cost of living will be a problem. It can be stressful.
I recommend living on Moku o Keawe aka big island. The lower Puna area is the most affordable district to live. There’s beautiful beaches, beautiful sunsets, the lava flow, great fishing, the old town feel, solid community and Pahoa is a boiling pot of all ethnicities. Hilo is a 25 minute drive, Kona is about an hour drive, Kona has white sand beaches and Mauna Kea is worth visiting.
Also on the big island you have more freedom to do what you want. Want a homestead? A lot of acreage to purchase. What to live off grid? Lower Puna is the perfect place to do this. Want a nice 3 bedroom house, 2 bath, carport and 2,000 square feet? Live closer to Pahoa, Keaau, Mountain View, Kurtistown and Volcano.
You can easily integrate yourself with the community. Just put yourself in community events, community gathers and ect. I hope this helps and if you have any questions just ask away. You are more than welcome to DM me if you want. Aloha! 🤙🏽🤙🏽
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u/bayareaburgerlover 10d ago
don’t move to maui. if you really want to, move to oahu, quite a bunch of fitness studios here so you have better chances than maui. it’s okay divorce happens, you can always restart.
dating scene is more advantageous for women than men.
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u/badcapres 10d ago
You’re not crazy. Just go. Life is short and you’ll regret the adventure. A year ago I moved my family to Oahu with our two dogs. Work took me back to the mainland and we are now in California.
I traveled to Maui a lot for work and if we were there, I would have stayed.
Everyone will tell you how things are expensive, and they are. The roosters can also be a fucking nightmare.
The people who live there are awesome and it will be an experience we will always remember. The job markets do not match the cost of living so you have to be creative. Sounds like you have that figured out though. I can say that our housing and fuel costs were cheaper in Hawaii than they are in California.
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u/Spirited-Attempt5566 10d ago edited 8d ago
I’m from NE, (CT), and in medicine and live on the BI. I most recently lived in Northern Virginia, a very expensive area-Mclean, and so cost wise the food and gas are more $$ but housing is cheaper here on the BI but would not be on Maui or Oahu. I’ve heard best dating scene is on Oahu. I’m single but have a boyfriend. Maui is a smaller island snd if you want a fresh start don’t move where your ex-boyfriend will be. Be completely independent and free and consider the costs and whether you can work here remotely. Hawaii has strict employer laws that many companies refuse to deal with so check that first then look at housing etc. Best wishes to you.
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u/what-is-this-ish 10d ago
My boss is looking into me working there. Housing does seem more affordable than it is here in NE which is nice but I know food, etc. is more out there. I have a car paid off I can ship there eventually. My problem is I’ve never been independent. Love my parents but they kinda controlled a lot for me and I’ve been to scared most of my life to do anything for myself.
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u/Sentri318 10d ago
I’m on Oahu. About 2 years ago I applied for a job on Maui and looked into housing options there in case I was selected. $1,900/month for a lousy sectioned off portion of a house with a private entry, kitchen, bath in Kahului was the cheapest I could find. Using Google street view the yard looked crammed with cars and the neighborhood looked like it was in decay. Rent for similar attached and detached cottages in better places easily went for $3,000 or more. I later found out the job was vacant for 18 months because although they found suitable candidates, no one was willing to move to Maui for a $70,000 salary due to the cost of living, and I haven’t even mentioned the cost of car ownership, food, etc.
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u/VanillaBeanAboutTown 9d ago
Listen to this person.
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u/Disastrous-Try-655 9d ago
Maui is super expensive and rents are crazy and over the years I've seen friends leave because they can't afford it. Also a high attrition rate, people move here, it doesn't work out and they leave.
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u/Jaded-Ad9682 9d ago
I say this kindly, but moving to Hawaii, regardless of the island, isn’t the answer to finding yourself, making friends, finding a significant other, or becoming more independent. Moving with a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend, especially when you're trying to find your independence seems counterproductive and unwise. It’s unnecessary complications
Moving somewhere you know no one and have no support system will be incredibly isolating without making a major move off the mainland. Add Hawaii’s extremely high COLA and the challenges of building genuine, lasting friendships, will not be the fresh start you’re looking for.
If sunshine and moderate temperatures are priorities, I’d consider somewhere on the mainland outside of your current geography. See how you do away from, but closer to your support system
More importantly, I highly encourage you to get into therapy to work on independence and codependency, and find activities that bring you happiness and a sense of purpose and confidence, whether that’s exercise, yoga, volunteering, or joining a book club.
IMHO your goal should be to build a life that you're happy with, rather than hoping a new location or relationship will create (false) happiness for you.
I genuinely wish you the best of luck.
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u/chooseusermochi 10d ago
As most people will tell you, make sure your company will support you working from Hawaii. Any employer that employs someone here needs to open a labor number with unemployment and there are different TDI and healthcare requirements here.
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u/VanillaBeanAboutTown 10d ago
Housing is NOT affordable whatsoever on Maui. If you think it's more affordable than where you're from... Highly doubt that unless you're talking about Manhattan or something.
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u/what-is-this-ish 9d ago
Sadly here in northern MA/Southern NH an apartment is around $2,000 - $3,000 not including all utilities and in the winter we use a lot of heat. I’ve been looking at furnished ohanas for $2,000 in Maui. Yes they are small but it’s just me and if I reconcile with my ex it would just be the two of us. It’s crazy how much apartments in New England are right now.
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u/VanillaBeanAboutTown 9d ago
You've been looking online, which means you don't know which ones are scams, which ones are in reality only going to be available for a short stay, what the "catch" is that you don't see in the listing. A cheap one bedroom on Oahu runs at least 2k and there is way more availability here than Maui. Especially since the housing market was even more diminished by the fire.
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u/adavadas 10d ago
Sorry, am I missing something here? Is NE no longer Nebraska? There is no way that housing in Nebraska is more affordable than on Maui.
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u/what-is-this-ish 9d ago
lol New England…. From Mass and been living in New Hampshire for the past 20 yrs.
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u/adavadas 9d ago
Ok, just FYI - NE is the state abbreviation for Nebraska, so when you say you are from NE it is easy for others to think you mean Nebraska.
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u/Sentri318 10d ago
Also, why does your boss want you to be on Maui for work? It seems unusual given you can work remotely anywhere.
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u/what-is-this-ish 9d ago
He doesn’t want me working from there but he’s supportive of the fact I want to move there and knows I can do my job there even with the time difference.
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u/SeeLeavesOnTheTrees 8d ago
You have a remote job so you can just move for 1 year or 6 months and see how it works out right?
I’d try it. Why not? Either you enjoy a long vacation or you lean in to it being your new home. Either way you win.
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u/what-is-this-ish 6d ago
Love your outlook on it. I’m not great at taking big chances but you’re right… if I go out there and give myself at least 6 months to a year if I don’t love it, am lonely or my bf and I don’t work out I can always come back home.
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u/JesusIkaika Hawai'i resident 3d ago
If work isnt an issue then it depends on the life style you want to live. Oahu is more city similar to the united states, still rural and country in certain parts. Maui is a little bit more touristy, very expensive if youre talking real estate. Big Island and Kauai are pretty rural/country imo. Beautiful to see, a little boring to live. (Unless you like to Hunt or fish or hike. Only Moloka'i is more rural. From the sounds of it, i'd say youre looking more for an O'ahu vibe. Maui has its perks too, cant go wrong with either, but O'ahu has more of that city life if you care. People are very welcoming to most here, just respect the people and they will respect you back. Take care of the land as if it was your house. You should be fine.
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u/boogernamed 9d ago
Start on Oahu. I moved here over ten years ago with nothing but a job and a suitcase. The other islands are a lot harder so my advice at first is to Airbnb a place on Oahu and explore a little before you settle in. I’m 44m, would be happy show you around. You’d probably get along with my wife and I have about 18 dogs and a few are looking for their furever homes so maybe can outfit you with a new companion, I'd call it a bf upgrade! 😆
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u/what-is-this-ish 9d ago
Okay I might seriously take you up on this. Have any single male friends? Lol I’m a small dog girlie. God I miss my little guy so so much.
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u/Fun_Distribution2522 9d ago
Similar situation here
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u/what-is-this-ish 9d ago
And where are you trying to rebuild your life? Let’s do Maui together?! lol roomies? Haha
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u/Fun_Distribution2522 9d ago
No Maui here. I'm looking at Oahu as a starting point. If I can get established enough to stay then looking at Kauai. Was there last year on winter break and loved the positivity.
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u/what-is-this-ish 9d ago
I may end doing Oahu if Maui doesn’t seem to work out. More opportunities and dating opportunities I’ve heard.
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u/headacheinasuitcase 8d ago
you should try being single for awhile before jumping into a new relationship.
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9d ago
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u/what-is-this-ish 9d ago
I love that!!! I wish I was close to retirement. I say do it!!!
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9d ago
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u/what-is-this-ish 9d ago
He doesn’t want me there…it’s where I want to be and he knows I can do my job from anywhere
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9d ago
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u/what-is-this-ish 9d ago
I’m looking into some possible roomie situations now actually. Thinking if I can do a roomie for 6 months and establish myself on Maui then maybe I can get a better job and afford something in my own eventually
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u/Direct-Amount54 9d ago
Only live once. Might as well.
If you’re attractive then dating prob be fine
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u/imai808 10d ago
My advice to you if you're really thinking bout coming out here... Get a air b and b for a month if you can or a condo that you can rent for a month or two and try see if you really wanna come out here for a while... Vacation are way different then committing to that far a move... Maui or Kona on the Big Island are the better choices to move imo.. Oahu is a city..try it before you commit it's super expensive.. I live on the Big Island and in my town we're paying $5.59 unleaded and a gallon of milk is 7/8$...
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u/what-is-this-ish 9d ago
That’s what I was thinking. Maybe doing a furnished rental for a month or two… see how I like it. I have the money to get by even without a job for a short period and if I’m finding that I’m happy there then try to get something long term and find a job out there.
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u/Euphonic86 10d ago
It might be more helpful for you to get in psychotherapy to better understand yourself and become truly independent.