r/MuslimNikah • u/Particular-Elk-9801 • 1d ago

Discussion Should I marry him?

Hey, my parents want me to marry someone I haven't met in real life and my family is conservative and doesn't consider it appropriate even after me explaining that it is allowed in Islam. The guy is a family friend and we have talked about 3-4 times, from his pictures I can tell I'm not attracted to him (even a little, like he is below avg in my eyes) and even after talking I don't feel the spark, instead my heart keeps on repelling the idea of marrying him. I am afraid I won't be able to respect him and I feel like he is immature.

Besides these things, he is a practicing muslim and check all the boxes that usually people want like small family, financially stable, good education etc. If I reject him, I'm afraid that next time when proposal come, I won't be able to talk even once and I will have to marry someone I have no idea about. Please don't tell me to talk it out with my parents, trust me I've tried multiple times. They think I'm way too immature to take such decisions and the such people are hard to find which I agree with. Its very rare for someone to tick all the boxes and they say you can't tell a thing about a man's character before living with him but I think that one conversation can tell a lot about how person thinks. Like we can ask questions that reveals his mindset and habits. I have been praying istikhara but my heart is still confused. I wonder how can we assess a man's character in an arrange marriage setup. What should I do?

8 Upvotes

84% Upvoted

37 comments sorted by

8

u/areeb1216 1d ago

I didn't read after the first few lines and in my opinion if you don't like him even a little bit

Khallaas end of discussion

Given that your family won't accept meeting him they probably would think you are rejecting someone good for you,

Id also suggest telling them that your raza is not in the marriage and basically they are forcing to marry which is already been explained in a hadith that prophet peace be upon him said such marriages are invalid if they are done against will

1

u/Particular-Elk-9801 1d ago

I'm afraid, next time I will have to marry a totally unknown person since they don't allow talking before marriage, not even once. I was able to talk to this person because I had his contact since they are family friends. Also what if I couldn't find someone attractive who checks all the boxes as well? My parents also don't allow marrying someone out of caste 😭

4

u/areeb1216 1d ago

I'm not sure, but you do sound like you're probably young (only because with age, parents lose a lot of such forceful battles and the kids start feeling comfortable in bluntly opposing their force)

I've spent 5.5 years of my Life trying to find a partner,

Tried all methods
Halaal non halaal
Meeting not meeting
Doing nothing and sometimes showering with love extra efforts
Even lost myself in pleading and accommodating others

And somehow was just casually browsing I matched with someone,

We both personally gave up
We both were exhausted from such searches and marriage meetings
And we both didn't expect to find solace with each other

NO HARAAM STUFF met 3 times few hours each and got someone who comforts checks all the boxes and is attracting me,

Where I was exhausted that my standards are too high
Gave up expecting but a habit of reciting prophet musa as dua in my prayers rabbi inni lima

Eventually it all made sense and was much easier than all my previous tries

Fits like a glove

So would suggest you to be patient believe in allah

Things will happen inshah allah

2

u/BugRevolutionary27 1d ago

Thank you for this reply. I needed to see it because I am in the exact same boat rn where I can’t tell you exhausted and fed up I am trying to find someone suitable for me and it just doesn’t work out

1

u/Particular-Elk-9801 1d ago

I'm so happy that you found the one, may Allah keep you guys happy and together, both in this world and the hereafter

2

u/another3rdworldguy 18h ago

But they shouldn't impose rules based on what they feel best. You are allowed to speak to a potential in the presence of a mehram.

2

u/Born-Assistance925 1d ago

Don’t marry someone you don’t want.

2

u/Royal_Letterhead3790 23h ago

You don't feel attracted to him. It would then be a criminal offence to marry him.

Just tell your parents you don't want to proceed further.

2

u/Adekunes M - Single 21h ago

you've already told us the answer three times in one paragraph. below average in your eyes, your heart repels the idea, you're afraid you won't respect him. that last one is the whole thing. a marriage can survive a wife who wasn't attracted at first. it can't survive a wife who doesn't respect her husband, and you're saying that before you've even met him.

the boxes are real and your parents aren't crazy to point at them. but a box list is what you check after your heart says maybe. and "you can't know a man's character before living with him" is true of every man, so it can't be the argument for this one.

on the fear that the next proposal gets worse. a no now doesn't cost you your voice next time, if you do it right. say it so they hear you're still in: "i will meet whoever you bring, properly, and i'm telling you clearly this one is not it." parents push hardest when they think you've opted out of marriage. show them you're in, and selective, and the next conversation goes differently.

may Allah bring you a man you can respect without trying

1

u/Particular-Elk-9801 15h ago

Ameen, JazakAllah

2

u/Healthy_Car_1018 17h ago

Girl as a man I would hate it if you said yes to my marriage proposal without actually liking me because now it feels like you just did this because you had to not because you liked me so you would harm you and him in the long run so please say no and let him find a woman who actually likes him don’t waste each others time just say no. I understand parents are strict and stuff but don’t let them be the reason that you make grave mistakes just disobey them and say no because life changing things like these your parents have 0 say in so don’t let them it’s not them that’s getting to spend their life with this person it’s you

2

u/Holiday_Sprinkles769 1d ago

Sister some people have some really dumb opinions but islamically simply the fact you don’t find him attractive is legitimate grounds to say no. Please don’t sign your life away because some dumbass on reddit said you should please your wali
Sincerely,
A muslim brother

1

u/BetterMood4725 M - Single 1d ago

Forced marriage isnt permissible islam. You have the right to conversate with a potential in person within the boundaries of not being left alone with him and you shouldnt be soft in speech. 

If youre not attracted to him and you feel you need to be i personally dont think its for you.

Everybody is different. Id want to be more attracted to her heart than looks. So it would be important to try get to know the potential better which your parents dont seem to be allowing you to do.

1

u/Particular-Elk-9801 1d ago

Before saying no to my parents, I want to make sure I'm taking the right decision. I too prefer character over looks, I know I can easily get attracted to someone who has a good mindset and mature which I don't think he is. I'm afraid I might be making the wrong judgement and whenever I try to talk about some serious stuff, he says we will see after marriage. Not sure how to assess someone's maturity level

2

u/BetterMood4725 M - Single 1d ago

Whatever we do we should do it for Allah and i believe He will bless our marriages more no matter the obstacles before of after marriage

1

u/That_b3st 1d ago

Na I think u should marry me instead

1

u/Mr_Poet6 23h ago

In Islam, if we are mature enough for nikah, we are mature enough to have a say in it. Give the proposal a proper chance, talk in a halal way so you really understand his mindset. But remember, you are never forced ,Allah never made it obligatory for you to say yes to someone your heart doesn't accept with respect. Also attraction does matter it’s not immaturity. Inshallah Allah makes it easy for you and Allah knows best.

1

u/Calm-Republic-221 16h ago

tell the guy your feelings , and let him break it off on his side . He can take the blow

1

u/Executive-Tycoon-Mil 1d ago

“they say you can't tell a thing about a man's character before living with him”

Correct ✅

“but I think that one conversation can tell a lot about how person thinks. Like we can ask questions that reveals his mindset and habits”. 

False ❌ unfortunately you possibly cannot, people wear 100 masks a day, he or she will be on best behaviour 

If he ticks all the boxes, it maybe be more worthwhile to spend some more time talking to see if he has other redeemable qualities you may fall or love with 

1

u/Particular-Elk-9801 1d ago

What do I talk about if I can't know the real him before getting married? And if our interests or mindset don't align somewhere, how will I decide whether this is something that can be compromised on? In love marriage, its easy to compromise because you know that person has other things to offer, but in arrange marriage, we don't have this privilege

1

u/Executive-Tycoon-Mil 1d ago edited 1d ago

What do you mean “real him”

Even if we married for 50 years, there are certain things that couples keep secret with themselves , take them to the graves so you can never know somebody as “ REAL” as we would wish 

All You need to know when he talks about his life, see if it excites you and see if you can see yourself beside him,  just know the words he ChOOSE to use when talking , tells you a lot about the kind of man he is, or at least give you the right glimpse into his life, and honestly you can have a glimpse of someone personality by the way he choose his or her words 

You can never tell who the REAL person is, but you can have an IDEA about him by talking

Forget real, follow what the prophet adviced us to wren looking for a spouse

And also forget about love marriage, it’s a scam, Infact love marriage breaks up the most ,  60% of marriages end in divorce, and 70% initiated by the girls,  that’s the result 

In comparison to marriages where the couples are traditional and conservative and Muslims, the marriage tends to hold better overall -even anecdotally speaking 

2

u/Particular-Elk-9801 1d ago

I agree, by real I meant how he thinks and how he wants his future to look like and this is what I was trying to judge. And the answer is no, I think we are not compatible at all. Like he wants kids immediately right after marriage and I don't feel I'm ready for motherhood, so I asked him to not expect anything for at least 2-3 years and that's when he said "you shouldn't get married then". I was like its not the only purpose of marriage c'mon. I love traveling and he doesn't. I don't want to sound inappropriate, just trying to explain my point here. Im more attracted to you after reading this one comment than I ever was to him after multiple conversations. In fact, there was zero attraction to begin with

1

u/Executive-Tycoon-Mil 1d ago

lol Jazakhalkhairan for that comment 

May Allah bless you with a husband who would be good for you long term 

2

u/Particular-Elk-9801 1d ago

Ameen, JazakAllah

-5

u/Bahadur_linto23 1d ago

Assalamualaikum I think the best option is to marry him and make your wali happy

5

u/Particular-Elk-9801 1d ago

Walaikum as salam, this is what I decided, but once while talking to him he said he want kids immediately right after marriage and I'm not ready to be a mother at all. I'm young and I still have time to prepare myself for motherhood so I explained these things to him but he said, why are you even getting married then? That's when I realized that after marriage, I will be held responsible for the decision that's not even mine and considering how unsupportive my parents are, I will be left alone to deal with everything

1

u/PhysicalOperation928 1d ago

Sister whatever you do, do not listen to this absolute troll. He's asking you to sacrifice the rest of your life for someone you don't respect or find attractive. Do not do it. "Making your wali happy" is not your obligation when it comes to marriage. You need his permission and he needs yours. If he doesn't have it, he's sinful for forcing marriage onto you.

And what is this about not allowing you two to meet despite it being allowed in islam?? Do they think they're more pious than the prophet? Astaghfurullah what staggering arrogance. 

Until they become reasonable and speak with an imam (you should try to find one), I believe you should reject marriage entirely. They clearly don't have your best interests in mind. Staying single for the rest of your life will be so much better than marrying someone you don't respect or are attracted to. Do not give up on this because what they're doing is not islam.

3

u/Particular-Elk-9801 1d ago

You won't believe but I did find an imam, and he said do whatever your parents say. They are experienced and know what's best for you. These compatibility checks etc mean nothing, if the guy belongs to a good family and is financially stable, you shouldn't be saying no. UGHH

0

u/PhysicalOperation928 1d ago

What an utterly disappointing result. How could he possibly say they mean nothing 😭😭 Even the prophet peace be upon him ordered a companion to go and see a potential before proposing.

By any chance are you living in a south asian country like india? I guess the culture around you will have similar opinions to your parents. Maybe reach out to friends and try to find what their parents think? If they feel differently, we should find what convinced them to think differently to the culture around them. That way we can bring that to your parents and hope it'll change their thinking too.

Either way, it's dangerous to accept this guy if you have such grave incompatibilities like how soon he expects you to have children. Given he's in a position of power over you physically, this presents a risk to your freedom of choice 

-1

u/Bahadur_linto23 1d ago

Yes that is true Men assume that women want to get married, but sometimes it's not be their wishes, they just want to fulfill their parents wishes.

Once you get married you will have to birth many sons, don't think of it as a choice, it is the very crux of womanhood... Once you satisfy the wishes of your wali and husband, you will reach paradise masha Allah

3

u/Particular-Elk-9801 1d ago

Saying no will not lead me to hell and if I protect myself from haram things, I can still reach paradise so why marry someone I don't want to and choose misery for myself just to make my parents happy who are not even willing to listen to what their daughter want

1

u/West-Tax-8988 1d ago

Girl don’t do it. Dont listen to the idiot telling you to get married to make your parents happy. It’s your life that will be ruined not theirs. And plus, life isn’t all about marriage, kids, etc. learn to love yourself and be content with yourself. You will find someone else inshallah when the timing is right. Don’t waste both your and his time.

3

u/BetterMood4725 M - Single 1d ago

Are you him