r/Parenting • u/Catsforfour • 16d ago
Discussion Kid won’t practice his instrument
Hello!!!
My son is 14 a huge lover of music. Last year he asked me to sign him up for drum lessons so I signed him up around May of last year. He was liking lessons so I bought him a drum kit. He never practices. He goes to lessons once a week but that’s it. I encourage him to practice but he says it’s too hard or makes up an excuse.
Should I be pushing him to practice? I feel like a 30 minute lesson a week isn’t enough and it’s kind of expensive. I was really hoping he had found a hobby he enjoys outside of gaming or napping.
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u/checkmyawaymsg 16d ago
Yes, he needs more practice than once a week. It probably doesn’t make much of a difference right now at the beginner level, but as the music gets harder and the other drummers get better, it’s more likely that he’ll get frustrated and quit. I have my kids practice as part of their homework so there’s a set time for it. It also helps to get a tutor so there’s a designated time and support system.
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u/OrderSweaty9580 15d ago
2 private teachers for 1 hobby? Man, if I could just continue to hire people all my problems will be solved. Who can I hire for not having money to hire others to parent while I drink beer?
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u/Reasonable-Penalty43 15d ago
Their kid probably has a class at their school.
Our schools start band or orchestra classes in 6th grade. They are an elective.
But the teachers do recommend that if the kids want to learn about playing their instruments more adeptly that the kids should also have private lessons once a week.
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u/bobellicus 16d ago
Yes, I would be pushing him. My son does drums and guitar, and we say even 10 minutes a day and before any screens go on. Often once he's started he usually goes for longer. I will sit with him sometimes... Like the company helps him on some way. It's hard learning new things but the only way to get better is practice. We say practice makes progress.
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u/saltwatertaffy324 15d ago
Back when commercials used to be a thing, my band teacher told us to mute the tv and practice during the commercials of whatever afternoon cartoon we were watching.
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u/Creative_Text3018 16d ago
Haha good for you sitting next to a 14 year learning drums...kind of like sitting next to an explosives factory
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u/EmoGayRat 15d ago
I just recently sat next to my partner at a show she was doing and even with noise canceling headphones I think my tinnitus got worse 🤣
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u/Logical-Date1331 15d ago
Local safety protection guy here, but PSA for those reading noise-canceling headphones are NOT hearing protection! They give the illusion of silence/reduction because of how we perceive sound, but don't actually BLOCK noise the way earplugs or rated over-the-ear muffs do.
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u/Effective-Wear9371 15d ago
That’s exactly what we do. And my kids also usually play longer than the 10 minutes once they get started.
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u/MamaDoingTheBestICan 16d ago
It’s kind of a waste of time and money if he doesn’t practice. Get him to play to the beat of songs he likes, play the music and let him drum. Or ask his teacher how to get him practicing. We use a rewards chart at my house for daily practicing.
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u/lowkeyloki23 15d ago
Yes!! Rewards chart!! It's hard at this age to stick with something that isn't instantly gratifying. You know what gives just a small hit if dopamine and gratification? a sticker on a reward chart! being able to see himself get a little bit closer to some reward (sleepover? new video game? better drum set?) i think will help a lot!
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u/throwawaymuaythaict 15d ago
Tell him you aren't paying for lessons if he doesn't practice.
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u/Juicecalculator 15d ago
He may just say ok and never play again. Not the end of the world, but still
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u/throwawaymuaythaict 15d ago
Yeah, if he doesn't want to play he doesn't want to play. Kids try all kinds of different hobbies as they discover themselves.
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u/Githyerazi 15d ago
Our LO's wanted piano lessons, then violin. They wouldn't practice so lessons stopped, they didn't care by that point.
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u/Busy-Yellow6505 16d ago
Take over the drum set. Pick his favorite song that has drums and just one day be like "welp, if you're not going to use it, I will* proceed with epic song lol
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u/helianthus5 15d ago
Fantastic idea! I suggest watching Riot Women between practice sessions - you know, for homework!
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u/purrinsky 15d ago
As someone who took and loved drum lessons at 14 but didn't practice on my home drum kit, I'd ask your son some questions (when he isn't feeling cornered or stressed about the whole thing) before deciding.
how does the home kit compare to the school one? Does it sound different/off/lame? The home kits can sound weird because parents don't know how to get it up correctly, the bass drum can sound hollow, and the cymbals can sound awful because they're cheap and not work in. So maybe he doesn't wanna practice because it sounds bad, in which case you can either (1) ask his teacher how you can fix the problem,or get your kid to research this, (2) tell him that his challenge is to make crappy drums sound good,
is this journey of learning how to drum not what he expected? Like drumming looks cool, but omg basic drum exercises are boring. Is he resisting practice because the practices feel lame? Or because he has to witness his own immature playing? If it's the former, many ways around it, you can make a deal for him to just practice just "one tik Tok" video's worth of basic practice, like microdose the practice. Or ask him to give you a list of 5 ideas on how to make boring practice fun. And if it's the latter, aks him to imagine, like maybe when he's in college, or two years from now even, is he going to see a friend play drums on stage and feel bummed/jealous that he never kept up because he didn't want to practice? Is he going to look at a band recruitment post, or an open mic night at a bar and feel wistful that he can't go up there to play and jam because he isn't good enough? His answer is allowed to change mind you, but if he's like "yeah I wouldn't care" then I won't push it. If he feels like he would regret it, tell him you'll push him (or ask if he wants you to push him), he's allowed to whine because he's being "forced", sometimes that's just the process. We used to call if performative whinging in our house when we had to be "forced" to do something we actually wanted to do.
Honestly if your kid isn't comfortable being bad at something, you're going to have lots of problems with practicing a new skill even if it wasn't drums. And I think this is where the parental split on whether or not I force my kid happens. Some kids genuinely dislike a skill and forcing them to get good at a thing only builds resentment. Other kids actually like a thing but merely lack skills to cope with the negative feelings that arise when they still suck, so being forced to practice is one solution for helping them through that phase. It's a good opportunity to explore whether or not your kid needs help building some for that skill of persistence and tenacity. It's definitely a skill and not a trait.
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u/PizzaShoelace 15d ago
The early stages of learning an instrument are not that rewarding, especially with drums. He would probably be more motivated if the goal was to be in a band, or at least play songs he likes. The practice he’s getting now is probably basic drills, which is still necessary. Does he know anyone who plays drums? Seeing a peer be good at it would be motivating. I wouldn’t write it off.
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u/Catsforfour 15d ago
He is soooo shy :( I’ve tried to get him to try and find friends to play with but he’s nervous
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u/ass_pubes 14d ago
I took piano lessons as a kid but never liked playing music until after college when I finally started playing synthesizers and could play songs I liked to listen to.
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u/Mabel_A2 15d ago
When my son wanted to start piano lessons a year ago, I told him I was happy to pay for lessons if he practices every day without me nagging him. This agreement has worked out well.
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u/annalatrina 14d ago
Music practice takes a massive amount of parenting energy. You have to be there next to them until it’s routine.
Private music lessons are so extraordinarily expensive! If your child only touches their instrument during lessons, you have turned the valuable time with the teacher from instructional into an expensive supervised practice session.
Routine is more important than perfection. Try for everyday practice.
Ten minutes a day of practice 5 days a week is more valuable than an hour of practice one day a week.
You may consider combining his practice with something you have to do everyday but have a hard time being consistent with, “Son, every time you get on your drums, I’ll be here lifting weights.”
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u/todreamofspace 15d ago
I remember when my friend took up drums at around ~10/11. He was constantly practicing for rhythm and hand technique without the kit. Sometimes people pick an instrument and then they aren’t into it.
Maybe have a talk with him and ask if he actually wants to go to lessons & do the homework/practice. Be honest that if he’s not supporting both sides of instrument learning then lessons stop & you’ll sell the kit. There’s no shame in him realizing he doesn’t like it/isn’t ready for the commitment. But, at the end of the day, reiterate that you won’t continue wasting your money.
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u/Catsforfour 15d ago
When I asked him he says he loves lessons and he enjoys his teacher he just gets frustrated practicing alone because he feels like he can’t get his feet and hands to communicate.
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u/todreamofspace 15d ago
Learning & practicing any new hobby/skill is going to get super frustrating. Maybe email/call his instructor on the side and ask for alternative practice techniques/drills. Hopefully, that will get the instructor to discuss it during his next practice or you can ask him/her to lead the way.
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u/Eastern_Rhubarb4870 15d ago
Same as someone who starts something new. It stays that way unless you do the work to make it familiar. Ask him if he thinks you, mom, would just roll up to Zumba and bust out perfect choreography? How would you really look first class? Tenth class? Fiftieth class?
But if I’m putting down money, at their request, and they won’t do their part? Lessons and equipment go away. I never said they had to be a virtuoso or even good. Just that they did their part.
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u/mehnifest 15d ago
That is good though! He is noticing that something is “off” and that’s learning. It doesn’t always feel good in the moment, but that’s how you figure out that you can get through frustration and reach confidence/enjoyment.
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u/RandoBoomer Parent 15d ago
Here’s a thought… Our youngest son didn’t practice his drums very often because he was a little embarrassed over his mistakes. He’s something of a perfectionist, so making mistakes is painful, and even more so if someone knows he’s made a mistake.
Just a random thought.
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u/Catsforfour 15d ago
That’s my son too. He is embarrassed that he isn’t good. He is in the gifted program at school so things like reading and writing came naturally to him. He has a hard time with things he is not immediately good at.
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u/mehnifest 15d ago
To quote Jake the Dog: “sucking at something is the first step to becoming sort of good at something”
I think this advice is especially important now, when we can simulate in our brains what being good must look like by like watching videos and stuff and avoid actually doing things because the doing is so much different than the watching.
The only time to be embarrassed is when we don’t do something at all.
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u/aenflex 15d ago
I’ve always been of the mind that there are kids with music in them, the inherent need to make it, the need to be part of it, and there are kids who, while they enjoy music, they don’t have it in them. They may like to mess around with instruments, but they don’t have a drive to learn.
I wouldn’t force it, personally.
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u/Eastern-Relative7504 15d ago
Yes. My mom forced me into piano lessons. I was forced into practicing and it felt like punishment to me. I hated it.
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u/Moal 15d ago
Same. I had to take piano lessons from 4th to 9th grade with the strictest Soviet-trained old lady who’d yell and make me cry. It made me hate piano. She’d tell me that I was wasting my parents’ money because I wasn’t practicing, and she wasn’t wrong.
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u/Pleasant_Birthday_77 15d ago
Mine was a bit different. I had piano lessons but nobody knew or cared whether I practiced or not. I got nowhere and gave up. I always regretted it and I do feel my parents could have given me a bit of a push to practice. I don't think children are that forward thinking that they can manage it alone. I encourage my daughter to practice now and I have explained my experience to her. She seems to understand and is adamant that she enjoys it and wants to keep it up. I try not to apply too much pressure though and I listen to her and offer some encouragement and feedback (which, because I can barely play myself isn't terribly helpful, but she likes the engagement and interest.)
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u/EggsCostMoneyyyy 15d ago
My parents could only afford lessons for one of their kids/one thing at a time. I took about 5 seasons of music (they never paid during the summer so I won’t say years) all broken up and with different teachers in between my sisters’ things. Bought my own keyboard, played in my room. I’m 42 and still play to this day, love to write my own music. None of my sisters have stuck with their things (which is fine) but I just need to have music. Married a guitar player (sadly died 5 yrs ago) and neither of our kids want to learn or play an instrument even though both parents were musical and instruments are available. I could force them, but I’m choosing to let them decide what they like. Parents forcing “accomplishment” on kids is a touchy point imo, people are very split. But I don’t know many others in their 40s that still play music. I’m not sure if the lessons didn’t take or they just didn’t have the love in them like you pointed out?
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u/LostButterflyUtau 15d ago edited 15d ago
This is me but with writing and storytelling. I was always making up stories as a kid and running around roleplaying and basically writing fanfic before I knew what it was. I don’t remember not having stories in my head. I still love my media. I still love to read and write. I’m still always thinking of stories.
Luckily these were skills I could develop outside of lessons and workshops (until college), because we couldn’t afford activities.
Weirdly enough I do not come from an artsy family. My brother is creative in his own way, but my parents are very practical. My dad especially is analytical. They never quite understood my creativity, but also left it be. It kept me quiet.
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u/angelerulastiel 15d ago
Eh, my kid definitely has the music in them and a constant need to make music. He still avoids practicing, mostly because it requires focus and he has to do what someone else chose for him. But I think he will be thankful for being pushed when he’s good with his instruments in a few years.
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u/Difficult-Valuable55 16d ago
Lesson learned - if he wants to try an instrument rent it until you know he is putting effort in to it. Your call if you want to spend the money on the lesson without him putting effort in. Can he play at school?
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u/Catsforfour 15d ago
Our school system sucks. He is in band at school but their percussion is just the triangle lol but he does do that!
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u/Difficult-Valuable55 15d ago
bummer
If there is orchestra mine played double bass and never practiced but got away with it because they are desperate for basses and quite honestly they aren’t as crucial
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u/thezactaylor 15d ago
So, as a drummer that got his first kit at 14...
I felt self-conscious because of how loud it was. My parents told me I could only play until dinner, which is fine, but I didn't really want to get home from school and immediately hop on the drums. I was tired; I wanted to relax.
Anyway, my parents helped me setup a nice place in the garage. They had a couple of fans, a nice rug to place the kit on, a spot for my CD player, big headphones that helped me hear the music while I played.
I probably; practiced once or twice a week. What helped is that they also hired me a tutor, so I had an expectation placed on myself to get the 'homework' he gave me ready by the time he showed up that next week. Since you already did that, I'd talk to the tutor. Is the tutor seeing improvement?
After that, I'd look into the practice space. Is it a fun place to just be? Or is it a closet with a bunch of boxes?
I wasn't as consistent as I should've been, but it helped. I ended up playing at a bunch of churches (if you know the church circuit as a musician, you get it), and ended up with a band touring around the midwest.
I don't play anymore, but it gave me great memories.
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u/Catsforfour 15d ago
The drums are in the basement where his room is! He has the entire basement to himself luckily
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u/gonzoman92 16d ago
As someone who plays guitar and has done since 11 years old, I played for hours everynight, without my parents ever telling me to. I never took lessons either. I think the motivation is there or its not. Forcing him to practice wont help I think but I would be tempted to take the lessons away if hes not playing outside of it because its a waste of money
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u/elliotsmithlove 15d ago
I totally agree. My daughter plays guitar and will actively practice because she loves it. She tried out the trumpet last year and we had to make her practice. Eventually she gave up the trumpet. I could see the huge difference in passion between the two instruments. I’m glad she had the opportunity to try out something new and now she knows that it’s not for her.
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u/Catsforfour 15d ago
That’s what I thought too, maybe he could move to a different instrument this summer and see if he clicks with the guitar or bass better.
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u/fyr3f4wkes 15d ago
I totally agree with that and I don’t buy these responses that because phones exist kids can’t be motivated to do things. Provide structure, sure. Every kid has always needed that.
We should all be limiting screen time and tv time with our kids. They should play outside and read books and not be on YouTube. I’m sure we all agree. That doesn’t invalidate the point.
Playing a musical instrument is about expressing yourself. For a child who has a genuine desire to learn and to do that playing drums is much more fun and rewarding than sitting on YouTube. I also used to play for hours every day totally voluntarily, and my house had plenty of tv and video games and I also had my own computer as a teenager. In fact I used my computer to watch video drum lessons and look up sheet music and technique tips because I genuinely cared.
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u/limeblue31 New Parent 15d ago
Idk if this is the right mentality to have with kids of this era. These days they are met with a lot of distraction like social media, YouTube, streamers and gaming.
It’s very easy for a lot of them to never develop a special interest beyond the above mentioned because they come with instant gratification that learning something like guitar or drums would never provide.
So I think parents do need to get more involved and push a little more to get them to pick up other interests. Relying on self motivation is not enough.
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u/fyr3f4wkes 15d ago
As a new parent you should take this advice: self-motivation is KEY.
Kids have to go to school. They have to learn to clean themselves and do basic hygiene. Those are things we have to make them do and provide structure for them. The hope is by the time they are adults they’ve developed those habits through repetition.
Things like hobbies are different. When it comes to developing interests and personalities, self-motivation is the only way. You have to give your kids space. That means mental space too, free of any external inputs like screens. If they want to be musicians or artists or athletes or dungeon masters they will become those things and it will come from them.
I try to give my kids the opportunity to be intrinsically motivated. It’s really hard and it doesn’t always work. Sometimes you have to just make them do stuff. But I still try every day. I really recommend this as a parent of teenagers; I’ve seen the approach bear fruit over time
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u/limeblue31 New Parent 15d ago
I agree and I never said it wasn’t important, but it’s not always enough. As someone who was raised by parents who had a very similar parenting style to what you described, I found that it didn’t work across the board and not all children possess the same level of self motivation.
For example, my parents never micromanaged us when it came to school. They provided us a good education but always said that we should want to do good in school to improve our individual lives and future , not theirs. And if we fail or don’t care for school, then that’s on us as individuals and we would need to deal with the life consequences. I took that pretty seriously and always excelled in school because it felt like a disservice to myself not to. Meanwhile my sister took it as she can skate by and focus on being popular and social because my parents aren’t checking her grades.
Now as adults my sister holds a lot of resentment towards my parents for “not pushing her enough” and seeks validation from them constantly bc I’m an effort to not have us seek external validation we didn’t get a whole lot of “good job” or “I’m proud of you” my parents really wanted us to build self esteem that wasn’t reliant on external factors but not all of us were able to develop that.
So I think when it comes to self motivation vs encouragement, the approach is highly dependent on the child.
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u/nerdfromthenorth 15d ago
The solution here is to limit screen time then, not to force the practising. It's up to him what he does with the screen-free time. Stare a wall for 3 hours, or practise to entertain yourself. Or write poems. Whatever.
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u/Cochy115 15d ago
Practicing our instrument is homework in our house. 5-10 mins every day. Play each song once through at least.
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u/travelbig2 15d ago
I feel like you jumped the gun a bit by buying him a whole drum kit. Maybe in your mind you’re hoping this will turn into something bigger?
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u/Catsforfour 15d ago
Yes for sure lol. I was really excited for him to try something new as he is very shy and doesn’t normally step out of his comfort zone. We did get the drum kit fairly cheap but I did jump the gun a bit. But hey now we have a drum kit in case my daughter wants to try!
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u/limeblue31 New Parent 15d ago
Have you considered pairing drumming with like garage band or FL studio. See if he’d be interested in making his own beats. He can record some of his drumming and add it to garage brand or FL studio.
I feel that it might be something that motivates him to play if he’s getting bored of rehearsing other people’s music. There’s also that instant gratification of “wow I made something” that could help motivate him too.
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u/ImpossiblePrize5925 15d ago
If you punish him he will hate it. Let him do his thing. I loved playing saxophone at school not at home. If I was punished for not practicing I would have quit marching band and had no fun at all. Just let him enjoy the lessons. Lessons and playing with friends is different then practicing alone. Maybe see if he wants to play with his friend if not just don't worry.
If you force it. You will kill his enjoyment and ruin his hobby
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u/BasicallyADetective 15d ago
My daughter did the same thing this summer. (Same age). I didn’t push her, but I probably won’t pay for summer lessons again next year.
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u/Particular_Sea_4497 15d ago
I would not push him, just try to inspire him. Show him the best musicians, tell him how much practise is needed. Encourage him to play with you a bit. I had parents who tried to force practice and I hated it. It only worked when I wanted to practice myself.
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u/Level-Aide-8770 15d ago
lol my son never practices drum. He plays piano, which he does practice, and occasionally he practices mallet percussion but never drums. But he’s in the school band and seems to do fine so what do I know? Your son is being exposed to music. That’s not a bad thing. I would personally let it go.
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u/walterbernardjr 15d ago
I mean I took lessons for years and would often not practice. Maybe discuss with him that he doesn’t have to go to lessons if he doesn’t want to.
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u/lonely-dustmite 15d ago
Stop the lessons He isn’t enjoying playing and likely doesn’t look forward to the lessons at all. He has the drum kit to mess with whenever he has the motivation/passion to play, and has over a year worth of lessons to give him the fundamentals. He can progress however he wants to on his own
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u/Catsforfour 15d ago
When I ask him he says he loves going to drum lessons and he enjoys his teacher
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u/lonely-dustmite 15d ago
Give him a month to start playing on his own otherwise you won’t pay for lessons anymore, he can pay for them himself if he really wants
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u/Effective-Wear9371 15d ago
If loves it, don’t stop his lessons! Music is so important to learn.
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u/RIPMichaelPool 15d ago
What's your after school routine? I suggest building in 20 mins of practice after 20 mins of homework. Our routine looks like this:
Home, decompress 30 mins with snacks and screens. Then we have 3 things to do for 30 mins: exercise (can be playing ball in the yard or walking the dog, etc.), music practice, homework. Kids get to pick what order. Meanwhile, do my 30 mins exercise and then cook dinner. We all eat then the evening routine starts.
I suggest you talk with the kid's teacher and ask the teacher to encourage him to say something like "you're doing so good now, I think you're ready to practice 20 mins a day after school. I'm going to ask your parents to help." Then you can say "you teacher says you're good enough to practice every school day! Let's start doing this routine after school: then talk about your routine and how it'll change.
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u/Adamas_Moustache86 15d ago
There's a fickle balance here. Pushing too hard can make him lose interest. And honestly, if he was that interested he'd be playing for fun all the time anyway.
Sometimes kids need to try out a few different instruments before they land on the one they really like
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u/Original_Ad8923 15d ago
Do you have a School of Rock near you? My son has been in their program as a drummer since he was 9 (he is 13 now) and I can't say enough good things about it. My son has gotten really good, I will say, he goes through phases, in the past he would miss days, or only play for like 15 minutes, he is in a phase right now where he is playing a few hours a day. During the times when he is not playing as much, us trying to force him to play never works.
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u/Winter-Chipmunk5467 15d ago
I don’t. My kid practices twice a week at school. I do encourage her to practice twice a week on school vacation weeks just to keep the same schedule, but no more on top of that. We are not paying for instrument lessons though, they are through her school for free.
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u/ElZorroSimpatico Daddio 15d ago
That was me as a kid. I still play drums, I still don't practice more than once a week.
There's nothing wrong with encouraging him to practice or rewarding practice. I think positive reinforcement (practice every day this week and we can go out to eat at your favorite place this weekend) works better than negative reinforcement (practice every day or I'll stop paying for lessons).
Drum practice can take many forms, too. Practicing rudiments with sticks on the floor while watching TV, actively listening to music while patting lap and tapping feet along with the drums to develop coordination...
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u/dealbreakerstalkshow 15d ago
You can’t change it now, but this is why we started piano at 7 when she was young enough that we could say you’re going to practice every day and she just listened. It’s been the expectation and her habit for so long that she doesn’t question it. She’s 10 now and comes home from school, unpacks her stuff, and sits down to practice (depending on what she’s working on, maybe 10-20 minutes). Sometimes we miss a day on the weekends because our schedule is entirely different. She also has weekly lessons for 30min and her teacher can absolutely tell she plays 6-7 days a week, even if only for a short time.
Honestly I would push your kid to practice daily, at least on weekdays. Work it into your routine. He’ll also enjoy it more if he’s making progress beyond beginner stuff. But also consider if the teacher is a good fit. We switched instructors in January and the new one is much more structured but our kiddo (now 10) is actually enjoying it more because she’s learning a lot more and can play longer and more complicated pieces.
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u/Ashamed-Chemistry492 15d ago
You may be upset, but believe me, your neighbors are overjoyed that he doesn't practice drums at home.
I think you're going to have to tell your son that if he won't practice, there's no point in you paying for lessons. If he says all right, no lessons, you'll know the music isn't in him. Sometimes we think we can get to be good at something if we just practice it enough, but with things like art or music, that isn't always true. Some of that is you either have it or you don't, and lessons and practice just help you improve on it or fine-tune it if you've already got it. If you don't already have it, you're not going to learn much from the lessons and practice.
If he isn't practicing, probably his instructor can tell, and has been reluctant to lose the fees, but it's got to be frustrating trying to teach someone who isn't invested in it.
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u/ollie_adjacent 15d ago
Being in a band really helped me with the practicing aspect. A few of my friends would get together in one guys basement and play the songs we loved. Might be an idea!
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u/lawyerjsd Dad to 10F, 7F, 4F 15d ago
Get him into a band. There's a big difference between practicing by himself and practicing with others.
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u/IceEspresso2000 15d ago
No, don't push him to practice. You're nurturing the activity, that's all you can do. And trust me (been through the teen years and on the other side), those exposures make a difference. Our kid sampled some things, and it wasn't until later in high school and college that they really took root. Also, he may find it more fun to play with friends, why he likes the class structure. Practicing alone isn't much fun.
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u/100dalmations Dad 9m, 14m 15d ago
I've been sending my kid to trumpet lessons for several years now and keep forgetting that they don't write anything down, and either my kid or the teacher needs to do that. To remember what to practice in between. My piano teacher did that- wrote down warmups, what pieces and how far to work on them, and what to watch out for (dynamics, rushing, etc.), memorize them; and any special things I needed to do- very explicit (e.g., play this piece with the metronome at X speed, and play it quietly and staccato). I'm far from a performer, but I think I could tackle nearly any classical piece with enough time and find much enjoyment from it. I'd love to take lessons again and say play in a jazz group or other ensemble.
All to say, the teacher should be writing down for him a specific set of exercises for the week. That's part of the lesson too. And the teach should hold him to account for doing them.
Also, does he play in a group? If not, try to find him a situation- band, jazz band, or something else? That can be a great motivator.
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u/DonegalBrooklyn 14d ago
Ask the instructor. My son's told him a certain amount of time to practice. He would set a timer and do not one minute more. After a while we told him we were stopping the lessons. If you love your instrument, you play it! You try to learn songs on your own. We weren't going to keep paying - and worse, driving him everywhere and waiting for the lesson if he wasn't going to commit. Fortunately he kept playing ocassionally for a couple of years and he's really gotten back into it now.
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u/Interesting-Set-5993 14d ago
my kid loves band and hardly ever practices at home. with jr high aged kids I find bribery extremely effective. she gets a 10 dollar a week allowance for daily chores, and is very motivated by it so she that she can buy Temu crap or game add-ons or cool apps. If she misses a chore she doesn't get the money. so for my kid if I said "extra 2 dollars added on to your chore money if you practice 15 minutes 3 nights this week" she would likely do it.
if she still wasn't motivated by that, I would give her a huge pep talk about how much a little practice improves skills, and probably just force her to do it for a limited time period. like "I'm going to basically make you practice for 15 minutes on Tuesdays and Thursdays for 3 weeks...if you don't see improvement, or you totally hate it, then we'll figure something out from there." there's a lot of value in pushing yourself to do something, especially when you don't feel like doing it.
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u/actorpractice 14d ago
Parent of three here. The last one, my son, started drumming early, but I think that many of this advice will still apply.
At 14, you're right on the cusp of him not giving a damn about what you think, so you have this one little window that you could thread through a really help both of you out in the coming years.
When he sits down to practice, you sit in the same room. Watch/listen to him. Laugh and smile when he does something cool or different.
It's so trite, but so true that "The biggest gif you can give your kid is attention."
The interesting thing about practicing a sport like baseball with your son is that you're actually out there doing it with him, he needs someone to catch the ball and throw it back. Yes for most parents, for practicing music it's "go away from me and of that practice thing by yourself."
I cannot tell you the joy you will bring a kid if you sit and listen to them practice, if you smile and have fun with them. And practice can be anything, find a song he wants to play along with, practice paradiddles, be impressed with incremental improvements...ask him how he finally got that thing that he could barely do tomorrow. You can literally have him play through one song with you doing a stupid dance, or nodding your head or kinda singing along, or pantomiming like you're playing (basic silly "dad" stuff). And that's 3 minutes more than doing nothing.
I don't have to tell you about how much teens and adults feel alone more and more in the world where we're supposedly more connected. You can use his practice a way to spend time together. You can even (in a fun way) give him a hard time if he practices without you: "What? You Practiced without me? I missed it?!"
If you make it connected and fun, he'll want to do it more.
TL;DR - "Hey let me watch/listen to you practice," works better than "Go practice."
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u/Adventurous-Word-118 14d ago
My 8 year old has been doing piano for about 2 years. He loves it and is naturally talented. But he still needs to practice to maintain and continue improving.
What we do is he has a routine to do everyday before he can play video games. Room clean, brush and floss teeth, 10 minutes piano practice, and if weather is good, a quick bike ride.
And I rarely have to remind him. And if he really doesn't feel like it one day? I don't make him. He just doesn't get to play the switch that day. But every other day he gets home from school, does his routine, and checks in with me to make sure he hasn't forgotten anything 🤷🏼♀️
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u/Sunshine_Daisy365 14d ago
You need to build practice into the daily routine just like making his bed and brushing his teeth. I have three kids taking piano lessons and doing ten minutes of practice before they go to school in the morning is just part of life. I do still remind them to do the practice but they know that it’s just part of their day.
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u/awyf boy mom x2 15d ago
I wouldn't push it !!! My mom pushed me to practice my violin and made me play until I graduated high school. But what happened was I actually found that I liked a different instrument and played that more often. Also if the lessons aren't breaking the bank for you , let him continue til he wants to be done.
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u/JoleneDollyParton 15d ago
The problem is he’s wasting the instructors time if he’s not practicing in between.
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u/Winter-Chipmunk5467 15d ago
No he isn’t. The instructor is paid. He does not owe the instructor his undying devotion to the instrument.
Unless he is being rude, not trying, or refusing to participate while he is at the lesson, he is not wasting the instructor’s time. A great instructor is able to meet students where they are at, both the most dedicated and talented and the more casual.
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u/_hthr 15d ago
Why can't the weekly drum lessons just be what they are? 30 minutes for him to have fun, challenge himself, a little self-discovery time? Why does every hobby have to become a journey in proficiency?
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u/AdministrativeRow813 15d ago
I disagree with this. Without practice it’s impossible to get past the phase where music is hard and frustrating, so it’s likely he’ll stop enjoying it. I’d instead encourage him to practice in small daily increments. Even 5 minutes a day is something he can build from.
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u/BarryTownCouncil 16d ago
If he doesn't practice he doesn't WANT to practice. I'd believe him when he proves it. It's not the same but we cancelled my 9yo's violin lessons as, like him, she would never choose to practice, despite the tears when we said, multiple times, that she clearly didn't actually want to play, or she would be doing so already.
That said if he becomes a drummer with e years of experience, practising will be pretty different to now, and maybe be much more appealing.
Either way, it's still hard to believe your complaint is basically "my son isn't noisy enough" :D
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u/Independently-Owned 16d ago
My music kids have and have always had a list of chores/tasks they do upon arrival home. Music for 20 mins is part of that list. Its just not a battle.
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u/bjorkabjork 16d ago
if he's 14 and he's not used to practicing at hobbies, it's a SKILL he needs to build up.
Parents have used things like charts, paper chains to show progress, daily schedules. Then they REWARD them with something small for completing a week or two. . Think of his day, where would be the easiest time transition to do drums.Does he have. chunk of time before dinner? right when he gets home? Make it as few steps as possible to actually sit down to drum. Obviously the end goal is him doing all this on his own, but he's not there yet. So you have to help him build that skill and keep that routine.
maybe look at some parenting books at your local library (free).
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u/Effective-Mongoose57 15d ago
The thing is, learning anything new is hard, and annoying until you get good at it. And learning a musical instrument in particular takes time. There is no joy in playing for fun without the practice, knowledge and muscle memory from the time put into hours of practice and being “bad”.
Don’t nag. But do suggest that the consequence of him choosing not to practice is that he likely won’t get good. It’s the simple maths of “the more you do, the better you become”.
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u/EntertainmentHuge218 15d ago
My daughter and I agreed she would practice her piano for 15 minutes as soon as she gets home from school. I find that we have to agree on specifics for things that I want to become a habit for her. If she was not practicing, I'd stop the lessons (after fair warning that that is the consequence).
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u/WillSmiff 15d ago
Ah.....following the impulses of a young teen. Lesson learned I guess. Or you can force him to practice. He won't like it though.
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u/Tigerzombie 15d ago
Maybe it’s the type of teaching? My kid wanted to learn the drums so we got her a teacher. She was learning grooves and rhythms but not songs. She also didn’t have a chance to play with other kids. She’s in the string orchestra. We switched to School of Rock. They focus on learning songs and playing in a rock band. That worked better for her since she could be part of a group.
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u/maid_in_cheltenham 15d ago
Yes. He has to practise. Having lessons is a privilege and he has to earn it.
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u/Both_Seesaw9219 Non-Parent 15d ago
definitely push him.
you could ask him to show you what he’s worked on in practice, to get him drumming at home for at least a little bit. you could take him to see some live music, maybe to keep that interest and make him want to get better and better. you could lay down the law and make it a rule that he has to practice 30 minutes every day or something like that.
i needed to be pushed to work on my extracurriculars as a kid, and i was still passionate about them despite that. after a while i didn’t need to be pushed anymore. when the lessons are up, maybe see if it’s something he even wants to keep doing. if it is, push.
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u/Accurate-Force3054 15d ago
When my son was taking guitar we had a very strict practice of making him practice about five minutes per time whenever we thought of it.
When we ran out of gas to maintain this already half assed regimen we agreed lessons were not in fact worth it. (He has sports so to his credit he is busy). I don’t know my mom forced me to practice a half hour a day I’m not a professional musician after all that. He can always try it again if nobody’s feeling the funk now.
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u/freckleface9287 15d ago
Music teacher and parent here. It sounds like he needs your help to facilitate this one. If it were me spending the money, I'd sit in on lessons for awhile and make sure the practice plan is written down and go over it in detail in lessons.
The goal for at least a few lessons is figuring out how to practice. In my experience musicians are one of two types: either very specific (which you want) or very "do what feels right" which you, as an adult, are in a much better position to learn how to parse and clarify.
14 is an age where kids may or may not have been taught how to study. And practice is just that, studying. So, you're looking for a step by step use of time in that 30 minutes.
I also think this is one where doing the practice will earn a reward (in my millennial house I had to practice before the TV went on after school for a long while. Then, because I'd put that time in, I was good enough to want to play and didn't need the carrot).
You will benefit from being able to say: I know what you're supposed to do, I'll go unload the dishwasher and listen to you do it.
A little bit of practice daily is really the goal. I'll be honest, many young musicians go through seasons of not practicing much or at all so it's not a failure to have that happen. But getting into a routine of practice makes the music ability match the desire and that's the real gift imo.
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u/AbjectBeat837 15d ago
Did you ask him if he wants to stop taking lessons?
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u/Catsforfour 15d ago
Yes and he said no I love drum lessons! I asked him if he would like for me to give him reminders during the week to practice and he said that would be helpful as he forgets sometimes and needs encouragement :)
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u/DazzlingNote1925 15d ago
I would see if it appeals to him to look at the research about what it takes to master something or be good at it.
You will have to look it up but one of my adult sons told me he read that almost anyone can be good at something if they do it like 10,000 times. While that may seem like a lot, in his mind that was encouraging. So, perhaps there’s info out there that would encourage your son in addition to you because it can be a struggle to learn the drums it will feel really great to be at a higher level and the way to get there is to practice.
David goggins might help but after reading his book I will warn you that he pushed himself to his own detriment but his message that we aren’t mentally tough enough is a good one.
I also think a child that age should be able to choose and not be pressured. Encouragement is great but pressure isn’t.
So, these are just ideas for you to consider if it would help him.
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u/Xattle 15d ago
Do you play anything? This sounds like an awesome opportunity to pick up guitar or something and use this as a bonding hobby. My son and I like to plunk around for 10-15 minutes daily and practice (especially drums) is so much more fun together. A lot of times we play along with songs we like and I've caught him working in some of the things he's working on in band more than once.
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u/gonzoman92 15d ago
I dunno, I had free access to my phone/playstation/internet in the early days and it didnt really deter me. At that point, this is more a conversation about screen time limits rather than playing instruments
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u/Rooster_CPA 15d ago
My mom took me to guitar lessons weekly growing up. I never practiced outside of the lessons, because I didn't really care to learn guitar lol. Similar thing going on here?
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u/nerdfromthenorth 15d ago
If he likes it, he won't require forcing in order to practise. Practise can be frustrating, but playing should also be enjoyable. If he's not doing it, he must not like it very much. I wouldn't pay for lessons if he's not going to bother with it out side of the lessons at all. 14 is old enough to decide. I played around with my digital piano all the time because I LIKED it. I noodled around and learned songs by ear that were frustrating, and difficult, but I did it anyhow because I liked playing the songs, and it was worth it to battle through.
It sounds like a fairly straightfoward case of "he's just not that into you." If he was, the difficulty would be worth it.
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u/Early-Meet-4881 15d ago
As a private music teacher, please help
encourage him to practice. Other commenters have great ideas.
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u/Useful-Commission-76 15d ago
Where is the drum kit? Can he practice without feeling observed?
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u/Catsforfour 15d ago
Yes, it’s in the basement where his room is but we can all hear it of course lol
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u/FishScrumptious 15d ago
We required a minimum of 10min/day practice, and privileges were held until it was done. He might need help knowing what to practice (ask the teacher), getting started, finding patience in the process, and keeping attention (all executive function skills that need instruction and practice). I wouldn't expect him to independently schedule/start/complete practice on his own with nothing on your end.
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u/mamapajamas 15d ago
Maybe he’s not with the right teacher? Or not exploring music that is compelling to him? My kid started with jazz drumming which was really compelling to her at first but then it became less interesting. With her teacher, she started learning to play songs she really loves, and that has changed everything. She practices almost every day.
I wouldn’t approach music as something your kid needs to accomplish, more as something he should just enjoy. Take the expectation out of the equation and see what comes!
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u/obtusewisdom 15d ago
You should encourage him to practice. You should not pull him from lessons.
I'll ask this, even though the answer is probably obvious: is your goal that he be a world-class famous drummer, or is your goal to allow him to explore hobbies he will enjoy and will expand his world and enjoyment of it? I would assume it's the second. That being the case, if he's going to lessons and enjoying them, the rest will fall into place. Either he will get comfortable enough and eventually start practicing, or he will quit.
You can, however, touch base with his teacher to let them know he isn't practicing and why (frustration with coordination). The teacher will probably also tell you to just give it time, but they can possible give him some encouragement in that aspect.
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u/rollem 15d ago
Some combination of carrots and sticks: offer him some reward for N number of hours of practice (pizza dinner out, new video game, whatever seems motivating but not too excessive) and some punishment for not doing it (“I’m not going to keep paying for lessons if you don’t practice in between them because the lessons work best when paired with at home practice”).
Good luck!!!
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u/k9moonmoon 15d ago
Maybe just have a rule of like 2 minutes every day for a while. Or doing a routine 1 time every day. Something that is rediculiusly simple and easy and can just be a walk up, do, walk away. Figure out where in the routine it fits (that leaves flexability if he does want to practice longer).
Because that walk up can be the hardest hurdle to doing a task so making it more routine will likely end up with him practicing more.
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u/marzbarz79 15d ago
Why does he need more practice? Maybe he just enjoys the lessons and doesn’t want to take it to a higher level, is that bad?
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u/hyperfixmum 15d ago
There should be an expectation before he does things like TV, gaming or leaving the house every weekday that he practices for 20 minutes.
Even if you have to make an after school checklist, read for 30 minutes, drum for 20 minutes, homework, etc.
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u/Odd_Obligation_1300 15d ago
I was annoyed a few weeks ago when my 14 yr old wasn’t practicing her guitar (which was cheap, and neither are her lessons). AND she had a concert coming up. It turns out she was just getting bored of those songs and was already prepared.
But my thought for you - you said in a comment that he struggles with connecting the two different movements at the same time. So I’d address that with the instructor. Maybe there’s a specific exercise he can practice for that
OR maybe he can just pick arms and work on that one day. Then the next day feet?
I keep reminding mine. Some days she just doesn’t do it but I figure if she ends up practicing the majority of the week, it’s a win.
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u/Foghorn2005 15d ago
You are expected to practice between lessons, but he may not know how to. It can also be a sign that this is not for him. Have his teacher go over how to practice on his own. Make a deal with him for at least 3 (ideally daily, but might be too much to start) practices a week, and if he can't do that by X time, the lessons stop.
Is there a way to do band either through school or with other students of his drum teacher? That may give him motivation to practice from the team aspect
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u/LaLechuzaVerde 15d ago
Ask him what you can do to help him develop the habit. Maybe it’s an app, a set schedule, a different pair of drumsticks, telling a sibling they need to suck it up and go outside if they don’t want to listen to it….
Give him a timeline for developing a decent beginner practice habit. 10 minutes a day 5 days a week, for example. If he can’t hit that goal by, say, the end of the calendar year, you’re going to stop paying for lessons until he DOES develop the practice habit. He will either need to start practicing or start paying for his own lessons or stop going to lessons.
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u/Muted_Chard_139 15d ago
Gosh we have the same kid. ! My kid even joined the band and said he LOVES it but he doesn’t ever practice. Honestly though, he’s happy and he wants to go to the lessons and play in the band I am just rolling with it. At some point he will either get more serious or hang it up. We encourage him to practice and it happens rarely. Life is short. Let him have the fun.
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u/Logical-Frosting411 15d ago
"when are you going to practice? Let's write that in the calendar together. Would you like to set a reminder or would like me to remind you?" During that time he is simply not allowed to do anything else. If all he does is sit at the drum kit and stare at it for an hour a day, so be it.
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u/Abeliafly60 15d ago
1) Can you play an instrument yourself? PLAY with him! Even the simplest pieces are so much more fun with a companion.
2) Do you expect him to do all his school without any adult supervision? NO. We expect kids to learn music almost alone but they have teachers with them every day all the time at school! Be with him while he practices, listen to him without comment or criticism, but as if you really are just hearing the beat. And don't ask him about this, just do it quietly, like "oh I'm just folding laundry and you happen to be drumming."
3) Baby steps. 10 minutes a day may be enough for now.
4) As with all other parenting, you model the behavior you want the child to learn. If you are practicing your own instrument daily, the kid may just start practicing his own. Less words, less talk, more just doing.
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u/UptownJunk802 15d ago
I'm also the mom of a 14 year old drummer. He plays in two bands at school and a lesson once a week privately. If he practices it has to be his idea and it's usually in the days before a performance.
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u/Still-Art45 15d ago
My husband is a musician and only likes to practice alone in a sound proof room, he goes to a studio close by.
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u/Effective-Wear9371 15d ago
Minimum 10 minutes a day at our house. If they’re having fun keep playing. But minimum 10 minutes. Usually just starting is the hard part not the actual practicing/playing. My kids usually keep playing after the 10 minute mark.
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u/ImColdandImTired 15d ago
My kid started younger. But video game time was tied to practice. Schoolwork had to be done, and music practice had to be done. 30 minutes practice earned 30 minutes of video game time.
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u/iota-smack-you 15d ago
What music does he like? Have you tried listening to the songs he listens to? Any feedback?
Had a niece who had the same challenge. Brother reached out to me knowing I used to play in a band. Sat the kid down and asked what music she likes. Gave it a listen, found other artists of the same genre. Fed her some new music. She started learning new things, showed it to me after a few weeks. This also gave me the chance to show her my own influences to broaden her music (I love heavy metal, she likes it now).
Music can be done alone, but history has shown us that it is exponentially better to experience it with someone.
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u/Shot_Meal_7641 15d ago
How about just tell him to practice for 10 minutes and he may want to just do the 10 minutes but after he gets warmed up he many want to continue longer.
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u/LateMajor8775 15d ago
What music is the kid playing? The only way they’ll stay with it is if they find their groove, usually through playing music they actually enjoy
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u/AlexNKarlie 15d ago
As a mother that has three sons and hundreds of hours of music practice. Every time they asked for lessons we started the contract. Minimum one year before they can switch instruments or two years of lessons. Thirty minute practice M-F just like homework. And one son did drum line in high school and those practices lasted hours. Quitting was never an option.
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u/Last_Engineering1526 14d ago
I feel like even 30 mins a week of non-gaming/napping/phone is good 😅
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u/truehufflepuff21 14d ago
My 6 year old plays the violin, and I sit with him the whole practice so he has guidance and I can assist and correct based on what his teacher has told him. I know he’s a lot younger, but I think asking your kid to just “go practice” is a big ask. My 6 year old fights it, too, but every time I say “Ok, if you don’t want to practice that means you don’t want to play the violin” and he freaks out because of course he wants to keep playing.
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u/Nearby_Syllabub763 14d ago
Yes. Drop the lessons. Total waste of money if he's not practicing at least even 15-20 mins most days. My son kept asking for piano lessons. I made him beg me for them for a year before he started lessons bc I kept hounding it into him that I wasn't going to pay for lessons unless he practiced daily (I knew better bc I was once that kid that wouldn't practice)
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u/demiurbannouveau 14d ago
My kiddo started at 6 and even then I basically told her, if she wouldn't practice, or if we had to nag and fight too much about practicing, lessons would stop. The money matters. But she's a pretty mellow, go along kinda kid. At 15 she has been practicing with almost no intervention from us for 5 years now. She has two other instruments and the deal is the same, at least four days of practice for every lesson so that she isn't wasting her teacher's time or our money. (One of those instruments she isn't getting lessons for, the other we do weekly summer lessons when she has time to practice and monthly outside of that.)
14 feels old enough to be self motivated and to require daily practice to keep the lessons, but I know that most kids in her orchestra don't. Which is frustrating and limits their progress. And no matter how much a person likes an instrument, they're not going to continue to love it if they never get better. I think this is why so many kids who do an instrument in high school stop as soon as they graduate. They never get good enough to get to the fun, or interesting, or impressive parts of playing.
I think starting later makes it harder. And as parents if we don't play, we don't know how to encourage or help them. If you don't think "practice or we cancel lessons" will have a good result, you could try doing what we were taught to do when my kiddo was young:
1) Find video/audio of music/drum lines that he should be practicing. Listening, especially if there are full music, drum only, and music without drums versions, is part of practicing. It helps them envision what it's supposed to sound like, gives them something to imitate and then helps them practice playing their part "with others". Eventually he might listen outside of practice time, but you can start by making it a part of each practice session. Google the books he's using to find vids.
2) Set expectations very very low. 15 minutes three times a week would be a great start. That 15 minutes can include five minutes of listening, five minutes of basic drills, and five minutes of practicing a piece/song. When he gets more stamina, you can increase it in 5m increments or add days. But I would do no more than 30m and add days rather than time after that. Kids get in this pattern where they do really long practices once or twice a week to "catch up" and it just doesn't work because skills need repetition over time to really embed. But if 15 minutes 3 times a week is still too much, make it 5 minutes twice a week he sits and listens and does one drill. Make the goal as small as it needs to be until he gets success at meeting it.
3) Figure out the time that will consistently work. High school kids are busy. It's hard to context switch in the middle of homework going long, to do practice, and before bedtime rarely works, so I really recommend either right when he gets home, or right after a meal. But let your kid tell you when he's going to practice, since every family has different schedules and patterns to their days. Make a chart that shows which days he was supposed to practice, and which days he actually practiced, and when. Not for punishment, but so that you can both see if there's a day that is consistently getting skipped so you can find a better day or time.
Help him get really specific with what to practice. Work with the teacher on this, and make sure you see the practice sheet at the end of every lesson. Exactly how long, how many times, which drills, which songs. He needs to be able to sit down and know exactly what to do with no friction or startup, for the ten minutes he's commiting to. If anything in the list doesn't feel good or he needs help, encourage him to make a note on his sheet, and move to the next thing rather than struggle. First goal is to build the practice habit. Next goal is to learn what to practice in that time, following his teacher's instructions and communicating about it. After that he can work on -how- to practice, specific techniques to get over issues.
Sit with him. This might not work great, but you can try it. The goal is not to turn practice into a thing you nag him about. Even if you just go to his room at the practice time, and listen to his music with him for five minutes while he sets the kit up, and then leave to let him try, it would help build the idea of music practice as quality time, rather than a chore. If he wants you there the whole time, grit your teeth and do it.
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u/InternationalToe6249 14d ago edited 14d ago
My kids both started instrument lessons at age 5. They are now 10 and 12. The best thing you can do is build it into his routine every day so there is no need to fight about it. My son does best practicing in the morning. He eats breakfast, gets ready, sets a timer and practices a certain length, then can watch a little tv. My daughter is in middle school and practices after school. She gets 30 min to relax and watch tv or do something fun. Then practice, homework, dinner. No screen time unless they get their practicing done.
You might try sitting with him for support and helping him make a practice list.
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u/Successful_Citron975 14d ago
I’d talk to the teacher and ask them to help with the encouragement. My oldest plays a number of instruments and has since she was little but she went through phases of lots of practicing and virtually zero. I never pushed practicing and I think that contributed to her sticking with it.
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u/Certain_Cellist_9304 14d ago
If he can’t nail 30 minutes yet, tell him he has to do 10 minutes of practice every day to unlock signing up for the next term’s lessons. Maybe 14 is too old for a sticker chart but I say make one anyway, good dopamine hit seeing it fill up.
10 minutes is next to nothing. Hopefully it will be such a small hurdle he can overcome inertia and do it.
Having said that 14 is about the age I dropped piano because I wasn’t practicing anymore.
Maybe another way you could help support him keep a toe in the door of this interest is to get him playing in a band. Being in a band makes a huge difference
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u/mmebee 13d ago
By that age you can tell them you'll only be funding lessons if he meets you partway and practices BUT practice is a parents involved activity and a difficult skill. Effective practice strategies take learning themselves.
Reserve the last 5 minutes of each lesson to go over a practice plan with specific goals and actionable items with the teacher every week. If the teacher is unable to provide very clear practice goals they aren't a great private teacher. You have to understand the goals and sit with your kid a few times a week and make them happen. You won't be able to just say "go practice" and wash your hands of it.
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u/Fuzzy_white_pups 13d ago
Yeah, I wouldn’t pay for lessons if my kid didn’t practice. My kids both do instruments and it’s a regular part of our daily routine to practice. When I was in high school I was required to practice 45 min a day 5 days a week! That feels radical in this thread…. Self-discipline is a wonderful skill to learn. I assume the teacher has given guidelines of what needs to be practiced during the week. I would maybe strategize with the teacher for strategies to help motivate. That kiddo needs to bring back a sign practice sheet or something.
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u/Imaginary_Shirt_9350 13d ago
Yes, you have to push him. Playing an instrument takes discipline, which most kids don't have. They need us to carve out practice time and push them to do it. My son has been in piano lessons since he was 5 and still going at 10. I still have to push him but when he learns and gets good at a piece he likes, he's so proud. They may love music and want to play the instrument but they don't like putting in the work. We have to push them every single time. They'll thank us later? Maybe? Lol
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u/Flewtea 15d ago
I am a private music teacher. Many parents drastically underestimate how strong your executive functioning skills have to be to practice effectively. It’s a huge lift that is not asked of kids at this age in most other circumstances in homework or sports. What we are asking them to do is much more akin to adults trying to start a workout routine—and we all know how that goes by February each year.
They are being asked to synthesize 30 minutes of teaching into an effective daily practice plan of 30 minutes each. While teachers should be helping this, kids do have to take quite a bit of ownership. What to practice, for how long, in what order, using what strategies. Then make notes on where to start for the next day to push it a little farther. That’s a lot!
Secondly, they’re asked to do this routinely, alone, and with no check in for a week. There’s no team to body double with them or friends to look forward to seeing 3x a week. There’s no grade and usually no tests. There’s no daily homework that gets reviewed by the teacher the following class period.
Note that nowhere in here have I talked about whether or not they love music. Most humans do. But we hate being bad at something and we have pretty crummy willpower all things considered. So when you’re a beginner and it’s hard and you can tell that it’s not going well and you don’t sound like Ringo Starr yet, it’s hard to build the routine that lets you overcome our lack of will power.
So what should you do? The same strategies you’d use if he were struggling in an academic class with getting homework done. And do this together. Say hey, my understanding is you love drums and you want to improve. Is that still true? Cool. As your parent, I know you need to practice. Your teacher knows you need to practice. You know you need to practice. So let’s try some things to help you build that habit. What time of day could he commit to doing just 10 minutes? Set a timer. Tag it on to another habit. Give himself a small reward for consistency, say a week straight. If he likes checking boxes, work to create a list of goals for the day/week that his teacher has asked and check them off. Read the book Atomic Habits together.
And ask the teacher. If the teacher doesn’t have solid, clear, actionable advice for you, get a different teacher—there are many mediocre music teachers out there too who may be able to play well but aren’t as good at motivating and working with kids and families.
But come at this from a perspective of helping him live up to his own goals and be his best self. The one who achieves and works for the things he loves. Most kids need a good bit of scaffolding to get there but these skills can hold over for anything else they take up in life. Including that January fitness goal.