r/Regrets • u/Outrageous_Soil4522 • 2d ago
trust issue.
So me M21 and my gf F20 have been together for 4 years, we are going thru something right now that I hate and it’s my fault.
About a year ago she found out I was watching adult sites, and when she found out, i lied to her about it over and over. It really upset her, she sees it as if I cheated on her because I’m getting off to other women, and I don’t blame her at all for thinking of it that way but i also lied. After it happened we almost completely broke up. It hurt her in an unimaginable way and it hurt me to see her like that. I told her that I promise I would never do it again and that I would never lie about anything. She gave me a chance and I was so good about it, I took advantage of the chance she gave me I was reassuring her everyday telling her I would never hurt her again, and it all went well I rebuilt her trust. Fast forward to now, about 2 weeks ago I did it again, knowing the cost of my actions, I still did it. She found out. I know in my heart that I don’t deserve her, she is everything a man could ask for. But I need to show her that I can take full accountability. If i really want to prove to her that I can change it needs to be something other than just words, I need to take action. This may be a pathetic question to ask. But what should I do? I know I will never do it again, and all I want to do is spend the rest of my life with her, have kids, get a house, have a family with her. I need to find a way to prove to her that after time and I know it’ll take awhile, that she can trust me and never have to think i’m doing something behind her back.
Any suggestion is helpful whether it’s hate, advice, or anything. I’m desperate for this girl.
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u/thathoothslegion 2d ago
You dont know that you won't do it. If you have an actual problem, get help. Unless you pput actual effort to change, you would merely be playing with her feelings.
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u/Character-Rock2365 2d ago
Honestly, I don't think you're pathetic for asking for advice, and I don't think there's any point in hating you. But I do think you need to understand that you can't rebuild trust simply by promising her you won't do it again, especially when you've already made that promise before and broken it.
What concerns me isn't necessarily the fact that you watched adult content, because different people have different boundaries regarding that. It's that you knew how much it hurt her, promised her you wouldn't do it again, and then did it anyway. The lying probably hurt her just as much, if not more, because now she has to question whether she can believe you when you tell her something.
If you genuinely want to change, you need to do it because you understand why your actions were wrong in the context of your relationship, not just because you're scared of losing her. Be honest with yourself about why you did it again, stop making promises you can't guarantee, and figure out what concrete changes you're willing to make.
And please understand that even if you do everything right from now on, she isn't obligated to trust you again immediately, or even to stay. You can't demand forgiveness just because you're sorry. She gets to decide whether she's willing to give you another chance.
You say you want to marry her, have children, and spend the rest of your life with her. Those are beautiful things to want, but you can't build that future on promises about who you hope to be. You build it through the choices you make consistently, especially when nobody is watching.
You can't undo what happened, and you can't force her to feel safe with you again. All you can do is take accountability, be honest, respect whatever boundaries she sets, and give her the time and freedom to decide what she wants.
And remember, accountability isn't about punishing yourself or constantly telling her you don't deserve her. It's about becoming someone whose actions actually match his words.