r/Suburbanhell • u/yawning_passenger • 14d ago
Discussion Suburban life is lonely, isolating and depressing
I've really come to terms with this after having my daughter. I go outside in my neighborhood and there's never kids playing, or hardly anyone on walks. Everyone is much, much older. There's no one my age to talk to or be friends with. There's hardly parents around my age at local events, either. I've never felt so alone in my life. It's hard to make friends in the burbs. Life is so...isolating anymore. In contrast, my friend in a local city has a huge group of mom friends she met, is constantly out and about doing various activities, walks to things and places. It's so hard being car dependent where I live and no one seems to want to make new friends or get to know other people. I grew up in the city as well and constantly had friends on my block. In the suburbs everyone just keeps to themselves. Sigh. I just had to vent. Thanks for listening.
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u/sonic-the-hedgefund 14d ago
i don’t currently live in the suburbs, but this is also the sense I get about them whenever I visit….
They’re pretty much designed for isolation and loneliness…huge lots so everyone is more spread out, creating less density (if there’s 150 people vs 1000 people in a square mile, odds are you’d have a better chance finding someone you get along with in the higher density area..), like you said, car-centric lifestyle where everything is done by car (coffee drive-thru, groceries, etc.), little, inadequate, or nonexistent pedestrian infrastructure, etc etc.
There’s also the factor that in suburbs, people tend to keep to themselves…less likely that you’ll meet someone whose social and wants to make connections
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u/lilsunsunsun 13d ago
Yeah I live in the city; a friend who live out in the suburbs says they love driving with no traffic lights, and complains that their main gripe is that they can still see their neighbor’s house from their property. It seems like what they want is just total isolation from other people.
For me, seeing my neighbors’ kids running around, chatting with neighbors about the neighborhood history while we walk to the farmers market together, or passing people hosting parties on their roof terraces etc really give me the warm fuzzies.
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u/curiouswizard 13d ago
I really don't understand people who are like that. I mean, I get that everyone is different and people have different preferences, but .. why. I have a hard time comprehending the idea of wanting to be isolated and away from everyone. Occasionally, sure, we all need a moment alone sometimes. But shaping your whole life around being as far away from other people as possible? can't compute
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u/kosmo4679 12d ago
Some people just do not like crowds or being around a bunch of people they don’t know. I think sometimes it comes with age. I’m 45 and married with 4 kids. We went from the suburbs which we liked to buying an acreage and building our dream home. I can’t see my neighbors house. I can see positives to both but I really like having our own space. We are not anti people by any stretch but it’s nice going home and being able to shut out the rest of the world and just be with your family in a safe environment. I like convenience but convenience for me is 10 minutes away from anything I need and not living too far away where grocery and food delivery won’t come to you. Out of curiosity are you in your 20s? At least for me that age seemed like the time where I was interested in meeting new people and spending time with friends. It’s crazy how quickly that changed for me once I had kids.
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u/chocotacogato 13d ago
And I think the cars are more dangerous with higher hoods and less visibility. It’s kinda scary to let kids out these days. And where I live, there’s a lot of congestion because we keep building developments while having the same roads and no reliable public transit
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u/Badkevin 14d ago
I second this, I live in the city and it’s bday parties after bday parties and friendly gatherings all within walking distance. I’m never leaving
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u/Comprehensive_Tea708 13d ago
That's what I used to say, but landlords had different plans for us. There was no way could we have bought anything in L.A.
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u/Badkevin 13d ago
Oh shoot! I’m so sorry you had to move
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u/Comprehensive_Tea708 13d ago edited 13d ago
There were definitely some pull factors at work too, so it wasn't all bad. After a few years in Escondido CA, which was surprisingly compact and semi-walkable, we ultimately ended up buying in Oregon. We wanted a cooler and wetter climate.
But damn, I do miss living in the Palms atea of L.A. There were three different Trader Joe's locations and several other amenities I could walk to at a stretch, and I do like to walk.
We left a couple of years before the Palms metro station opened.
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u/Badkevin 13d ago
City Oregon? How’s it?
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u/Comprehensive_Tea708 13d ago
Eugene, but unfortunately western Eugene which is very suburban. We loved the house so much when we saw it that I forgot about that factor.
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u/Javascript4971 14d ago
I’m blaming everyone being glued to their screens atp. No one wants to experience any sort of discomfort anymore.
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u/BishlovesSquish 13d ago
I’ve had more social discomfort than I care to admit in my life, and the screen doesn’t stop that. Quite the contrary.
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u/Javascript4971 13d ago
My point is… everyone wants a village but doesn’t want to be a villager
The cost of being a villager is discomfort.
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u/Prestigious_Water336 13d ago
This is why I'd never live in the suburbs
they're not healthy for people
They're just cookie cutter/ control c and control v copies of eachother
It's a bland boring desolate lifestyle
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u/unconfusedsub 13d ago
I grew up in a rural area and swore I'd never go back. I haven't.
I lived in cities most of my adult life, until I met my husband. Now I live in the burbs and it's literally worse than rural. It's hard to make friends, there are no activities for people over 30 unless drinking is your thing.
People used to say "but you have a yard!"
Not these burbs where all the small cute houses are being ripped out and replaced with huge houses too big for their lots. Houses that take up every inch of their "yard".
There's honestly nothing beneficial for me in the burbs. I'm lonely. It's a lonely existence.
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u/SickofTrollHypocrisy 13d ago
I feel EXACTLY the same way. And I got a house in the suburbs without realizing so of this, thinking it would be a nice place for my kids to grow up, and can't afford to leave the low mortgage rate I locked in back then. It's so isolating and I also have some good friends who have a house "downtown" and are busy with neighbors and community and walking to places all the time. I really regret this!
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u/yawning_passenger 13d ago
I’m in the exact same boat as you. We’re stuck where we are. It’s so depressing.
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u/Creativator 14d ago
The sordid part is that it’s like that on purpose. The streets are convoluted by intent.
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u/ssw77 13d ago
I grew up in the suburbs and now I live in the city in the northeast. I'm never, ever going back. every time I walk around in my neighborhood, and it is filled with people - kids, adults, so many people walking their dogs, etc. It's crazy to me that so many people choose to be forced to drive everywhere, where most of the time they strap their kids in the car and give them iPad/iPhone to look at. When I see the families walking around here, they're chatting and talking. the suburbs are soul-sucking and, I'm convinced, terrible for children.
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u/yawning_passenger 12d ago
You hit the nail on the head of what I saw the other day in the city. Tons of families and kids out and about, everyone chatting with each other having a great morning. This was 10 AM on a Saturday. My neighborhood is typically completely barren at 10 AM on a Saturday. I walk around my neighborhood with the stroller and it’s always empty. And then I keep replaying being in the city and how lively it was. Ugh. I long for community.
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u/Zestypalmtree 14d ago
Yeah this was my experience when I lived in the suburbs. I was walking downtown after happy hour yesterday at 8pm/8:30 pm and saw so many kids and families playing in the park. They have a security guard, a late night burger food truck, and it’s well lit all night, making it such a nice free place to hang out.. doubt I’d see that in the suburbs when everything outside closes as soon as it’s dark out
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u/touchthedishwasher 14d ago
I don’t live in the suburbs but I live in the country and I’m from the city. It’s so isolating and I have neighbors. I take walks everyday with my dog and I’m usually the only person walking etc. people wave here so that’s nice but it is isolating and I don’t have many friends besides people I work with
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u/hsvgamer199 14d ago
Yeah I grew up in a small subdivision in the suburbs. You couldn't bike or walk anywhere. It was very isolating.
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u/PerryNeeum 14d ago
I never understood this but maybe it is because I grew up in a massive neighborhood. There was always things to do. So many damn kids. Houses were pretty boring and repetitive but that doesn’t mean a whole lot to a kid
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u/chocotacogato 13d ago
I grew up in a suburban hellscape but was lucky that I lived in the “downtown” area of my hometown during the y2k period. I was very fortunate enough to be able to walk to the park, the grocery store, some restaurants and convenient stores, and the library as well. I had an easy time learning to drive because I knew my way around town. Meanwhile, my classmates needed a ride to go anywhere and didn’t learn how to navigate until they learned how to drive. The annoying part was when I had to walk home from a soccer game at the park because the coaches wouldn’t let me walk alone even though the house was right there (like dude, open a map!). But I also think the y2k era was when people changed their minds about letting kids roam free on their own.
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u/TomLondra 13d ago
That was the way they wanted it. They don’t want people interacting, exchanging ideas, and plotting.
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u/FauxTexan 13d ago
But that’s not everyone’s experience. Kids all over the place playing and people walking up and down in my neighborhood.
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u/Low-Astronomer3394 9d ago
My daughter is grown now, I unloaded our house a few years ago and live in a cute little apartment (widowed). I never liked living in the suburbs, I didn't like the house, I didn't like the neighborhood. No one was friendly. (they all seemed to be accountants or worked for insurance companies: khaki pants and light blue shirts, no sense of humor, no nothing.). And exactly as you said, no one around. I was a SAHM and my daughter and I went for endless walks around the empty streets. (it was more fun at holidays looking at the decorations and glancing at uncurtained windows in the evening.) As she got older, we did find a few girls her age in the neighborhood, for which I am eternally grateful. Birthday parties, sleepovers, girl scouts and play dates. ... But yeah, it was very lonely. The only women out pushing babies in strollers were nannies who barely spoke English, or who snubbed you and kept on walking. So I would load the stroller in the car and go down to a big park with a walking trail. At least we got a change of scenery and got to see some nice dogs being walked.
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u/yawning_passenger 9d ago
This is exactly what I’m going through. We live near a big finance hub so everyone typically works in finance around us. But exactly what you said, there’s no one around. Families that have similar aged kids near each other don’t even play with each other or hang out. It’s honestly so strange. I’m hoping as she gets older there will be more kids her age (like you were able to find) but otherwise it’s incredibly, incredibly lonely. And I see a lot of nannies too - even at local kid/baby events. It’s either them or grandma is taking them out. Meeting the actual parents/moms is rare it seems.
As for the parks, I may have to do the same. Just keep driving to larger parks. I’m glad you have your life in a nice apartment now. I hope you’re surrounded by people and friendly neighbors and have a bustling life! You deserve it after those isolating years putting in the work with your daughter.
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u/Mhorts 13d ago
This is exactly why I feel like my childhood felt stolen from me due to unwalkable suburbia and also kinda post-reagan post 9/11 paranoia. I had friends who lived less than a mile from my house, but I couldn't walk there because I had to cross a busy street, and my parents were worried I'd get snatched somehow. So I just stayed in my room for most of my childhood outside of going to church and boy scouts.
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u/BishlovesSquish 13d ago
I don’t like people much, so the isolation for me is mostly self inflicted. Plenty of social stuff going on, I just live in a very red area and don’t like 80% of my neighbors. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/NOT_A_DOG_ONLINE 13d ago
In the suburbs the fun never comes to you, you have to proactively create it by travelling far distances to get it. This is the path you have to take to stay sane.
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u/kosmo4679 13d ago
This is just a classic example of everyone is different. I think most of the people you mentioned that live in the suburbs probably like keeping to themselves. They like being in their backyards with a privacy fence with their family and no random strangers trying to talk to them. I think u would probably just be better off in an urban setting. I think the idea of never having my own space would drive me nuts and I’m not a fan of always being in crowds and dealing with foot traffic by my house. What’s keeping you from moving back to the city?
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u/yawning_passenger 12d ago
I definitely feel more at home in an urban setting. I grew up with it so it feels like that’s how life should be. I love the idea of ambient community and being able to run into people I know on a walk or bumping into them at a local store. I love the energy of it all. My husband is the total opposite and grew up in a very rural area. He likes land and peace and quiet. Which I get. He just refuses to move to the city.
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u/Low-Astronomer3394 9d ago
So all those movies and tv shows and comic strips with neighbors having cookouts or coffee at the kitchen table, or picking up the mail and keeping an eye on the house when we were away, all that was made up fantasy horse shit. Well, I guess so. I was a freak, a SAHM and took care of my own child. In 20+ years we had exactly one nice family who would at least wave and say good morning. Not cowering in their backyard huddling with their family
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u/kosmo4679 9d ago
No I’m sure that happens in some places. Every neighborhood is different. I’ve seen plenty of neighborhood get togethers and neighbors being friends. I’m friendly and wave to neighbors and will even make a little small talk but it’s not my favorite thing I’m just not a rude person. I’ve never cowered in my backyard but sometimes I just like to have family time where we can enjoy our backyard and pool without any distractions. I do tend to like my family more than I like others so it’s nice to be able to shut out the outside world at times.
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u/SomeGuide2893 13d ago
Went from ideal suburban neighborhood -> urban one -> diff suburban one -> back to urban. When I moved from urban to suburban it was kinda against my will. I never grew to like the neighborhood. I did feel safer, but I don’t think it was helping my mental health. DULL is the word I would use to describe it: the architecture, people keeping to themselves, etc. I was so happy when I moved back into the urban setting. It felt like I was coming home. I enjoy the movement around me, whether it’s the infrastructure or more people out and about. Some friends don’t understand why I like that neighborhood, but I love feeling connected to the heart of the city!
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u/Prestigious-Bee-9163 9d ago
I grew up in the suburbs, there were no children my age nor my younger brother's age to play with.
All sports were organized and parentally supervised.
Including all play dates.
Hell.
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u/Any-Permission-4530 12d ago
You have summarized life in the suburbs pretty well. I just came back to Arizona after being in New York for 6 months and I feel so isolated, even though I am in my best friend's house. I can't think of ways of meeting people since there's nothing to do around here. The only place where I could try to socialize is the gym but that's difficult to do since people are minding their own business.
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u/yawning_passenger 12d ago
Yes!! I know what you’re saying. I don’t want to bother people at the gym since they have headphones in and they’re doing their own thing. Everything is so forced here. There’s local groups that go on walks and such to meet around here but I went to a few and they genuinely felt so off.
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u/Musichead2468 12d ago
I live in the same suburbs I grew up in. Live right at the end of the metro line. I rarely hangout in the county I live in except for being home or parents house. Majority of my non home or work time I am in the city. Even my social life is city friends. I wanna live in the city but too expensive. I follow the local city news way more than the news of the county I live in.
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u/PippdaDipp 10d ago
I think one of the best things you can do is pop a couple of chairs in your front lawn or driveway and commit to sitting in them the same time once/week. Play with your kid, invite the few friends you do over, and hopefully you can build a local community through the repetition. Some people, even in the suburbs, have great success by hosting hot cocoa from their garage or Sunday morning pancakes. Maybe your neighbors are older and won’t necessarily be your friends, but they may have adult children you get along with who would stop by once a week for a casual neighborhood function!
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u/mechapoitier 13d ago
I swear this could have been written by any of half a dozen young parents who moved into our neighborhood and practically break their necks trying not to see us waving at them in the yard.
“It’s so isolating” (takes walk around block while pretending not to see anybody)
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u/yawning_passenger 13d ago
That’s not me. I wave to literally everyone and actually try to strike up conversation. Although I will say younger people here are more standoffish than the older ones. Which is a big gripe. It’s not easy to make friends here.
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u/mechapoitier 13d ago edited 13d ago
It may not apply to you but it’s literally all the young families here under 30. I have young kids and these people it’s like they’re teaching their kids to never acknowledge the existence of other people, by example.
What’s weird is you actually manage to interdict one and they can play normal just fine. But outside of that they act like they can’t see anybody. America is in big f’ing trouble in the future if anybody left leaning doesn’t develop the social skills to back up the “we’re all in this together” idea that actually helps society.
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u/huy_lonewolf 14d ago
This is why I don't agree with the idea that suburbs are better for children. How does social isolation help children?