r/TouringMusicians • u/hmatrtomato • 4d ago
is it crazy to reconsider my great relationship with a touring musician? (I want kids)
My boyfriend is so wonderful. We’ve been together for two years and things are moving along. We’ve had some ups and downs but overall it’s the best and healthiest relationship i’ve been in.
I’m also a musician, so I understand the commitment and love, although he’s further along on his musical journey. However, I’m getting closer to 30, and starting to be more of a realist about what this lifestyle may mean. He’s going to be out of town all summer, for example.
I love him and it would be devastating, but when I imagine family life, I imagine togetherness and a unit, not my partner missing out on big moments. I don’t want to grill my partner on all this, and the reality is there are still unknowns. His band is signed with a label and taking on bigger and bigger tours, so it looks like they will keep growing.
I’m not sure if I should cut my losses and let him go so I can find someone more aligned (I don’t feel psyched about the late twenties dating pool unfortunately but maybe I’m too pessimistic).
Any advice? Anyone have kids with a touring musician? How do you handle it?
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u/ProbableSlob 3d ago edited 3d ago
It's not crazy.
You should think about the kind of life you want, especially if you want to start a family.
I am like barely a touring musician. We play maybe 30 gigs in a busy year, but it's all travel dates.
I miss out on a ton of stuff. We usually tour in the spring and summer. I swear everyone im related to was born between May and August, I've missed every family member's birthday at least a couple times. My MIL always manages to pick the long weekend i travel to schedule her annual family reunion, different holiday every year but i think I've only been to one in a decade. I missed my son's first dance recital (saw the dress rehearsal though). I caught the second one.
This year is different because he's going to miss the dance recital, too, to come with us to Europe for a music festival and vacation. We took him to Zion a few years ago after we played a festival in Vegas. We try to plan family stuff around the schedule and leverage it as a way to spend time together whenever possible. Our lives kind of revolve around music because otherwise we'd be apart a lot more.
But also we all love music, so in a way it feels natural. My kid loves music (if only because we've been brainwashing him to). I have the cutest fucking pictures of my (then 3 yo) son wearing gun muffler headphones (and a sick battle jacket) at sound check at a venue my dad mixed Tom Petty in when he was younger than me. He loves going to shows. He loves traveling. We've had some great moments we wouldn't have had otherwise.
I couldn't hang with touring full time though. Too much time away from home, at least with small kids. But also it's hard on your relationship with your spouse to be away so much. I'm not sure how else you make a living doing music these days though.
You should talk to your partner and understand what kind of life they see for themselves and whether it is something you want. It will be unconventional probably but that doesn't make it bad.
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u/shake-it-2-the-grave 3d ago
Full time touring musician here.
Although, as others have said, no one can answer this for you, I think there are some very real data points that can be gleaned at a basic level.
Relationships (with partner and potential children, friends, etc) require presence.
Miss a summer/birthday/Xmas/graduation here and there, some families can work with that.
Miss every second one, only a few families can deal with that in a healthy way.
Missing them constantly as a career default, development of relationships will be impacted.
Touring is not travel. Music careers are so different from regular jobs.
Examples:
Our managers (and tour managers) work for us. We can and do, fire them.
We are encouraged to drink alcohol at work. It is often in the contract (band riders).
Drug use is known and often tolerated (as long as you can function and work).
It’s a really grey area of work safety practises and all of that can severely impact normal relationships, especially when children are involved, over time.
My best advice: sit down with your partner and determine all the sticking points and plan and make agreements on how you’ll both get around them and minimise impact.
Together, list the main things that a healthy relationship and family need.
Then list all the factors of a music touring career that impact that.
Then decide what you’ll do about each one.
I didn’t do any of these things and learnt the hard way.
Also, I’m in my forties and do not have children.
Good luck. Best wishes to you both.
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u/nicoleonline 3d ago edited 3d ago
Excellent advice here so far. I want to add, I have a friend who is a popular artist. He routinely flies home between shows on off days to see his son and wife. The possibility his flight is delayed and the show is canceled is worth it to him. Instead of a $400 hotel room he’ll take a flight right after his set and a flight late at night the next day into the early morning. If you have the $ and dedication you can still raise a family on the road.
But of course it does take $. And the influence to sway your booking agent into giving you more off days between show dates, the ability to pay the band a per diem or weekly rate regardless, a bus driver for days he’s just sitting in the lot etc. Because of families their band books 2 weeks on 2 weeks off frequently as well. He will need to be serious about making a living on music, perhaps even working with a sync licensing company on the side to increase chances of stable passive $. (Edit to add, especially considering how much more expensive flights and gas are now)
All of that said. I am a woman. I am 30 years old. And I don’t think I would want to tour if we had kids, nor would I want my husband to tour. I dislike the idea of being a stay at home mom and I really would want him to be there to support me every day in the flesh. Checking in on the phone is nice but I helped raise my sister’s 4 kids and having someone to change a diaper, watch while you shower, take turns rocking the baby to bed etc is something that I’d be really keen on. I’ve never been a fan of long distance relationships either. We managed to make it work when I was on those long tours but it wasn’t preferable for me. I ended up being very selective with my opportunities
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u/Capital-Meet9365 3d ago
Solid replies already, but I want to add:
This is a different question if the band gets to a place where they're making real money. The kind where your partner doesn't have to have another job when home. Then:
-they may be away a lot, but when they're home, they're fully present. And so the routine of having kids and getting the after school activities/dinner/homework thing going might be solo some of the time, but the time off is potentially 100% presence, not just arriving home at 6:30 after an office job.
-you can afford to travel to/with them as you wish
-you can pay for help at home. Cleaning, home maintenance, things that stress someone solo parenting. Maybe even pay for family and friends to visit and help with childcare.
-being in the band allows so much more flexibility and control than being on the crew.
If you can stomach the thought of a life less traditional, there can be significant upsides.
♥️
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u/lillielemon 3d ago
Your partner does not want to leave the road now and there is no reason to believe he will want to in the near future. Instead of banking on a potential future, ask yourself how you would feel if you had a kid at this very moment and nothing about him changed. Not his job, not his level of commitment, nothing. You are not dating his potential, you are dating the man he is right now. If you could happily have a child with him right now, knowing nothing at all would change, you have your answer.
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u/sewerwolvez 3d ago
Definitely not crazy to consider. My relationship of four years has been similar. I'm 24F he's 34M. I personally really want kids. We're engaged and have talked about it, and he also wants kids. I tour and do merch, he's in a band as well as drives buses. About 75% of the year we are not at home together. We've discussed it and made the decision to move closer to my family, so when we are ready, I have support from family and our close friends. It is hard to imagine them missing the big moments. I also try to consider that our child will grow up with more travel experience than most kids, be exposed to creative outlets like music and art, and see what two adults in a healthy relationship are like, even if we aren't in the same room a lot of the time.
Some of his bandmates have children and there is the positive side of it: When they're home, they're HOME. No 9-5s, no commutes, they can just be home with their kids and spend 100% of it with their family. They also regularly fly their kids out to shows, especially if there's a day off or two to spend with them. It's not impossible, I know so many couples who have children and tour, and it works wonderfully for them.
Someone else brought up that touring is a totally different world from a normal job. Alcohol at work is encouraged, drugs aren't taboo, and unfortunately a lot of people (men) who tour are not trustworthy partners when you're away. If drinking/drugs/infidelity is a concern for you, I would think more about that. I sincerely hope it isn't, but the culture the industry provides rips people apart a lot easier than simply being away.
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u/lovesecretdomain 3d ago
You need to sit down and talk with them about this. Not Reddit. Got to say I’ve toured with musicians who are parents, and often they make it work. I’ve even done a few tours with Parents who actually tour together and take the kids with them. Things don’t have to be one way, and often when people want it, they will make it work. But yeah, you have to speak to them about what they feel about it all.
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u/Burdy323 2d ago
Exactly, if there is a will there is a way. Really comes down to the individuals and their will tbh
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u/evanFFTF 3d ago
I agree with everyone here that no one can answer this question from you, but here's another data point. I am the parent of a 16 year old and I've been touring on and off since before she was born.
For the first 4ish years of her life she came with me on tour, which honestly was awesome. She's been to a couple dozen countries and most of the US states (though doesn't remember a lot of that!)
As she got older, I had to limit my touring more to summer, school vacations etc, but that's also partly because I am largely a solo parent. I know many touring musicians with kids who have found ways to make this work, though it's true that it's really hard to do if you are in a band or act that is trying to tour like 150+ days a year or be on the road all the time. But also that level of success generally brings resources that make this more possible (like I know more popular musicians who regularly fly home in the middle of a tour to go to their kids play or softball game and then go back and meet up, etc)
Anyhow just saying that while many structures are not set up for touring musicians who are also engaged parents, we do exist and it is possible!
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u/Few_Interview_8750 2d ago
My husband and I have 2 children ( 3 and 10 months) and we are in the trenches! He is away aproximatly 1/3 of the year and believe me it is HARD for us both.
However... when hes home 2/3 of the year hes HOME and if he had a regular 9-5 he actually wouldnt be here as much as he is when hes home.
He earns more than he would on a regular job at the moment so it makes sense for our family but if that were to stop then we would be looking at the viability of hia job.
Being open and transparent about concerns if definitely something you need to do - but also, dont let him be the one that got away if you love him. It could be a long regret c
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u/shugEOuterspace 3d ago
only you know if he's worth the sacrifices. the internet can't really help you here
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u/RyanHarington 3d ago
My friend doesn't tour but teaches music and plays shows on the side at night. On gig days he doesn't get to see his baby daughter.
Whatever you choose, choose it with your whole heart.
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u/TJOcculist 4d ago
Nobody can answer that for you. Only you and your partner can decide if you can make it work or want to.
But look at it this way….
Tens of Thousands if not more families have one member who travels.
Assuming its one or the other may lead you to neither