Convo I had with cis irl. I hate this woke way of fetishizing trans people and it feels like whenever you mention it people make excuses on why it's actually okay. It makes me so dysphoric.

I got a kitten about 3 weeks ago back in late September from a friend who's cat had a litter. My friend asked around if anyone wanted kittens and I fell in love with one of them and offered to take one.

I didn't know two is usually recommended for kittens, I also didnt know that it's not typically a good thing to take a kitten away from it's momma so young (she was about four weeks when I got her). Admittedly I'm impulsive, and I'm a lonely person in general and have wanted a pet for a while. I think I just wanted an excuse to wake up in the morning or to take care of something other than myself, and I feel selfish but that's why I got her. I didn't mean any harm.

She's loved, I promise you that. She's fed, she's got everything she can need but I don't think I can take care of her. I still live at home with family, I did the whole song and dance of "look how cute she is," and "I'll pay for everything," and I was told by my mother that I'm an adult, I can do whatever. So I did, and now I feel awful because she's a super sweet kitten. I love her to peices and would die for her but it isnt working out.

Its been 3, maybe 4 weeks and I feel pathetic. I couldn't even keep a kitten long enough to train her to use the bathroom properly. And now I want to give her away despite how much I want it to work out. My mom tells me there's no shame in realizing I can't take care of her, but considering the shit I pulled getting her in the first place, I feel a lot of shame. My fathers been telling me to get rid of her since I got her and I hate that I might have to.

She doesn't even have her shots, she's got fleas and she isnt big enough for either cause she's the runt and tiny.

I love my baby so much but I can't take care of her. I'm watching her sleep in her playpen crying while writing this. I don't know what to do. I feel awful.

ה "זין על ישראל״ מחייב

I’ll never have the balls to use it :)

Idk man :/ I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't really want to live with my aunt ( if my parents were to allow it) her house is loud and can be triggering. I wish my safe place was real and not a daydream.

Edit for context: a few months back I reported my mom for csa and my case got opened and then i got silenced and emotionally abuse and then the case got dropped. I only found out yesterday that it was 10k I thought it was less.

Idk how much more emotional abuse I can take. Anyway I'm going to take a break from reddit.

I was assaulted last week. I went to the ER and decided to press charges. the detective in charge of my case is supposed to call me today and I'm so anxious about it. I don't want to have to go over everything again. every time I talk about it it makes it more real and I don't want it to be real.

I was assaulted last week and went to the ER and decided to press charges. the responding officer took my statement and said he'd write up a report and the detective assigned to the case would call me today.

I spent all day anxious as hell waiting for that phone call, and it never came. so now I need to spend tomorrow waiting for the call. so that's just nice.

Somehow I always find myself on the receiving end of impromptu therapy sessions.

On one hand, younger people especially seem to like me and open up to me about concerning things within the first couple talks we have. That's not inherently a bad thing, and I know that neurodivergent people especially tend to share big things in their lives to try and connect with people, and these people are typically really good about listening in return ("I want to share something I find important with you because I care about you, and I'd love to learn more about you in return"). Sometimes I'm not really in the right mental space to hear it, but I get it, and I wouldn't really fault them for it, especially if I tell them I need a break and they're understanding.

I'm not talking about these people. I'm talking about people like my mom who turned me into their therapist at a young age to vent about her patients (who were often "walking problems/diagnoses" to her, and I now have extreme health anxiety), my siblings' behavior and grades, and her failing marriage, but won't listen to me about anything important in my life (or actively makes it dangerous for me to share). She also won't listen to me when I tell her I can't handle this information and that she should see a specialist or counselor who can, and blames me for it.

Like wow are people quick to make assumptions based off nothing. I’m a psychopath with npd and people have their minds blown when I say I want to be a decent person or that I do good things.

I don’t know, I just think it’s dumb that the first thing people ever think of is that I’m either doing it for some evil selfish manipulative reason and I’m “not actually a good person” or that I’m not a psychopath/narcissist. Do people want me to conform to the stereotype or something? “Oh no, you’ve seen through me! All that goody two-shoes shit like helping people out when I see them in need, giving money to the homeless, and trying to improve as a person was actually a ruse for my EVIL PSYCHOPATHIC PLAN to manipulate everyone and achieve world domination! Drats, foiled again. Next time, I’ll definitely trick you with my diabolical scheme to volunteer at a soup kitchen!”

Man, I don’t even know what to say. I’m just tired.

Unrelated to the rest of the post but so I don’t get comments about it: I’m medically recognized. Psychiatric professionals recognize me as having those disorders. Yes, I know psychopathy is not a diagnosis. No, I’m not going to say I have ASPD because I’m not diagnosed with it.

I started to say this to myself that if my own family is disgusted with this part of me, literally the people who concieved me saying that me being trans is a tragedy upon our family and that nobody will love me or hire me.

So if everyone doesn’t love me as I am, and I have to repress everything to survive, that’s mean I can’t trust anyone.

But then my family pushes me to meet up with people and do activities and this whole coping mechanism falls to pieces, because they clearly don’t care.

Most young people, especially in the industry I work in, do NOT care if I want to transition, people have openly stated that they trust me professionally, I found a remote stage with a company on the other side of the continent without anyone’s help

But if I dare to bring this up with my family, I will be covered in vitreolic vibe, because I’m a narcisistic patological victim

They’ve given them so much in life, but at the same they want to shape me into their idea of the perfect son.

Unfortunately I am not

When I look at women I don’t feel attraction, I feel envy, When I see a large hairy man (not to be offensive towards you guys this is strictly personal internalization) I’m filled with dread at the idea that I might become like that when I’m older

They keep saying how manly and masculine I am, when I’m objectively a twink, with a round face, fairly petite hands and 0 muscle mass.

I don’t want to die as someone I’m not, with a name I despise (seriously I hate my birth name, nobody outside my country can’t pronounce it and it sounds really bad to me)

I can’t tell if they want what they think it’s best for me or if they are genuinely this bigoted

I wish I had a job that payed me enough to escape, but I’ll likely end up in the end of an uncaring Doctor in some public establishment if I dare to try transition on my own

And of course, DIY isn’t an option either because I need to be supervised to be able to change my document

FUCK

No advice flair because I don’t want someone saying that this is what they’re supposed to do or smth, other things are fine

OMFG, I just had another meeting with my doctor and parents, one ive been waiting for for what feels like forever and I get a 30mg dose change. I might kms out of spite atp /j
I hate how my life is right now. I can’t function. Going to school less than 50% takes so much energy that I can not do normal things such as pursue my interests, hang out with friends or even fucking shower. ‘Taking away school completely will only make it worse-‘ well it certainly hasn’t been helping???
I’m so fed up I might actually explode.

So to be clear I am not referencing a particular online community. I am deeply aware of my personal flaws and try to work on them in every interaction with people. It’s hard when nothing I want to communicate comes out right and I’m either characterized as “over the top intense about weird things” or “deeply monotone robotic/overly chill, aloof.” I cannot hear my own tone of voice and people are gonna filter whatever you say through their own mood and preconceived notions.

There is a very strong phenomenon in America, while not uniquely American, where you cannot express that you are struggling without steeping it in 7 layers of hyperbole and sarcasm. God forbid you express loneliness beyond “Yeah I haven’t been able to go out as much as I want lately.” There is something so deeply offensive to the Protestant work ethic and American individualism that if you can’t stuff those feelings of failure down even people who don’t subscribe to those social “ideals” are repelled and see you on some level as a moral failure. And maybe in some cases, sure!

It would be nice to be able to non-anonymously express “I’m lonely” without trying to sanitize it into the socially acceptable Hyper-positive conditionally friendly dialect endemic here. One gets burned in many related and unrelated situations so many times (often by family) that an olive branch can end up looking like a spiked wall closing in on you.

edit: I’m not complaining about people asking for money by the way…