Almost 2 decades long, I love him deeply but I mind his ethnicity.
I'm Chinese, married to a husband who not Chinese. We 17 years together, 15 years married.
My parents (whom both deceased now) but back when they alive, especially my mother, she never accepted my husband because of his ethnicity. Up until my mother death she still not accepted him as a son in-law.
My mother has no reason to discriminate against him (other than he not Chinese), because this is a very educated man, we talking about Master degree at Stanford educated. And a career of Executive with a 1 million salary a year.
I write that out because Chinese mothers they want someone who financially stable that can take care of their daughter, which my husband has that, therefore there no reason for why my mother not accept him.
But what matter is he treats me really really well 16 years long, faithful to me, dotes on me in bed and outside of bed, he is an awesome husband.
I know I love him, 17 years long I'm faithful to him just as he faithful to me. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I only love him and want him. The thoughts of other men touch me gross me the F out. I love him so much that I never think of continue go on living if God forbid he die before me.
BUT why I just cannot get pass the fact that he not Chinese. This is something that I struggle with in the whole 16 years with him, it not new. It the internal struggle that I have internal conflict inside myself. It like I won't let myself love him.
I am scare, that I'm indeed just like my mother who discriminate against him. But I know I'm not, it just for some reason I cannot accept his ethnicity. I don't know how to explain it, it like it is taboo to love him. I not even sure taboo is the right word, as English is my third language.
I did think perhaps I have a very dysfunctional childhood, my childhood fuck me up, so in my adulthood I just won't let myself be happy, that I'm self-sabotage. But the thing is, both my parents deceased already, I am free of that shackle. But why I just won't allow myself to love him.
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u/cipherjones 10h ago
Honestly, you sound very happy. It seems like you're just "in shock".
Who gives AF about that when you're in love? You can't wrap logic around emotion.
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u/Own-Screen-5264 10h ago
If she sounds happy she won’t be here telling us she can’t let herself love him.
My view, she’s showing us how their relationship sounds/look perfect like anyone will want. “Perfect job wise and guys doting on you in any way possible. Who wouldn’t want that right? But humans are weird, we’ll always find something to make us have a problem, because we thrive on problem. Most people find is boring where there’s no problem.
This is why she found one and her reason for unhappiness, and I can assure you this will lead to a problem down the line.16
u/cipherjones 9h ago
She loves him, only loves him, and thinks the thought of another man touching her is disgusting.
She's head over heels in love with the man, with a mental block that's a generation's deep ethnic issue.
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u/wc2022 9h ago edited 9h ago
At least you understand me, thank you. It is the mental block.
I love him, was still a virgin when met and married him, I was not ashamed of my virginity I held on to it until I make sure I find the right man, and he is the right man 100% I know so. And he still is the right one.
It just the more I love him the more I beat myself up inside. I am emotionally scars all over because of this man, because I keep beat myself up for love him.
At first I thought I wanted a Chinese husband of my culture, but 17 years I only love my husband. I actually never think want to continue go on living if he die before me, we will grow old together and I don't know who will go first, me or him.
I thought I want a Chinese husband, but when I was back to China to take care of my deceased parents funerals, I miss my husband so much that I cried myself to sleep calling his name over and over.
---------
I have a 6 years old Reddit profile, with 6 years long posting history of him. I'm more than just love him, I'm actually damn scare I'm obsess with him. It just I won't allow myself to love him, I know it a me problem. I just won't allow myself to be happy.
In the other sub when I posted this thread, someone ask if I worry I will get look down because of his ethnicity. No. Absolutely not. I the other way around, I feel that people will look down on him has a wife like me.
Because I'm the ugly one in this marriage, I'm barely 5 feet tall, I'm short and chubby, I'm a piece of pork fat (that how I see myself). I'm not even educated, no college degree, let alone a Master at Stanford like him. I can't even give him a healthy living child (long story, it all over in my posting history).
While he him the handsome, 6-packs, lean meat lean muscles. Stanford graduated, Executive career. While me? Who the fuck am I. He deserve a better woman than me. But he not want any other woman, he said no other woman can ever take my place, because no other woman has 17 years of everything that me and him go through together.
I feel that that piece of pork fat me I'm not good enough for him. He not know I say this about myself though, because in his eyes I'm beautiful. But I don't see it that way with myself.
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u/Icy-Sprinkles2494 6h ago
I'mma be real with you lady. You're insecure af and blame it on his race looking for a flaw in him. You haven't gotten rid of your racist conditionings. Yeah you do sound obsessed and you two do sound codependent. You're self hating, self hating people can't truly love others. Learn to love and accept yourself and work on improving yourself mentally. Sure he and the relationship looks perfect on paper but what is it that you truly want? Have some self respect first, get therapy or something.
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u/hazyberto 10h ago
I have a Korean friend who recently started to date a nice african american guy and her mom immediately cut her off. Wou;d not even meet him. Total ghost blocked cell phone and all social media. I don't understand why there is so much bias over ethnicity. If you love someone, that should make no difference.
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u/petertompolicy 6h ago
It's called racism, some people are deeply racist and they are very very stupid.
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u/hazyberto 4h ago
And I always have thought love was blind. Call me an idealist, but love should always conquer hate.
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u/petertompolicy 3h ago
Right but why would your friend's love for her partner conquer her parents racism?
That's not how it works unfortunately.
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u/hazyberto 3h ago
It's the title of the thread that gets me I guess. "I love him deeply but I mind his ethnicity"
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u/petertompolicy 3h ago
Same, it's sad, but she has internalized some of her mom's racism, that's why racism does often perpetuate through generations until it runs into a kid that is smart enough to fullt discard it and break the cycle.
Unfortunately, OP isn't quite there.
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u/Cael_NaMaor 10h ago
Weird.
You say several times that you do love him. You say he loves you. You say it's been 17yrs with him, 15yrs of marriage. You seem happy. So I think your problem is that you're overthinking this shit. You're expecting something bad so you're looking for it when it doesn't exist, so you grab this one thing, this one part of him that was the reason your mom said he was wrong... & you've latched on to it. It doesn't sound like you have a problem with anything but dwelling on something that hasn't mattered in 17yrs except to your mother.
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u/GirlPhoenixRising 8h ago
You’ve had their bullshit shoved down your throat your whole life. No wonder you’re so conflicted.
We can’t help you. Get therapy. He seems like a good dude.
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u/Heseblese 10h ago
I think you may have internalized your late mothers feelings. You say love him and I say you deserve to be happy. I understand that this is hard on you. It might benefit you to work through this with a health care professional.
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u/dudesmama1 9h ago
Deep-rooted, generational cultural bias is incredibly difficult to shed, especially for a culture as ancient as Chinese culture, and especially cultural norms surrounding ideal mates.
You love him. He loves you. Ideas were put into your head from a very young age that you shouldn't love someone like him, and that kind of brainwashing is hard to undo.
Your situation is not unique. LGBTQ+ is one example: often having to cope with similar feelings that their love/partner is "wrong," because they were raised a certain way.
This may take a professional to unwind the trauma and persistent biases caused by your parents. It isn't your fault. And it isn't even their fault, necessarily. It is cultural and generational.
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u/wc2022 9h ago edited 9h ago
Thank you for your kind words and non-judgemental.
And if you click on my profile you will know his ethnicity, and it probably make more sense as to why my Chinese mother not approve him, I was a laughing stock for my whole Chinese family and relatives back in China.
It doesn't matter, I chose him over and over again 17 years long, just like he has gives me 17 years of his absolute fidelity.
At first I thought I wanted a Chinese husband of my culture, but 17 years I only love my husband. I actually never think want to continue go on living if he die before me, we will grow old together and I don't know who will go first, me or him.
I thought I want a Chinese husband, but when I was back to China to take care of my deceased parents funerals, I miss my husband so much that I cried myself to sleep calling his name over and over.
I know I love him, it just why I can't get over his ethnicity, that it like it forbidden to love him because of his ethnicity.
It just I won't allow myself to love him, and it hurts 17 years long because I struggle with love him, but keep telling myself I can't love him.
And he knows my struggle too, since the beginning of him pursuit me till now, so it not like he not know. But he keeps said he will wait for me, and he will use his love to touch me and touch my heart. And just like that we spend 17 years of our lives together, almost 2 decades long.
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u/starderpderp 3h ago
Honey, you need therapy to undo this learned (inherited) racism from your parents.
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u/Infinite-Dark-4321 10h ago
AI DR
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u/sequinsdress 9h ago
I think it reads more like a creative writing exercise. Like maybe for high school?!
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u/CalTheRobot 6h ago
I lived in China for a while, and the sentences do remind me of the way a lot of people spoke English to me. Something about the sentence structure and way or describing things strikes me as familiar.
Can't speak for the story itself, but I get the vibe a Chinese person wrote this.
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u/unoptimisticoptimist 9h ago
You’ve been with this man 17 yrs and can’t get past his ethnicity lololol ma’am give him a divorce and seek therapy for your biases.
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u/olivethelightss 9h ago
Do you maybe just feel guilty that you didn’t marry someone who is of the same culture? Do you somehow feel that it’s a disservice to your culture?
I only ask because I’ve heard of people from other cultures mentioning something similar to that before
We don’t have all the information, but if he’s not someone that wants to be actively involved in your culture… Or learn about it more… Or respect it at all… I can see why that would be maddening to you
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u/wc2022 9h ago edited 9h ago
He very respectful of my culture, in fact there things he even more Chinese than me, example like he is a very filial son to both his father and mother. And he can some Chinese too (just not like native born Chinese speakers), and even before we met, he only eats Asian food, lolol.
It just I won't allow myself to love him because he is not Chinese.
And if you click on my profile you will know his ethnicity, and it probably make more sense as to why my Chinese mother not approve him, I was a laughing stock for my whole Chinese family and relatives back in China.
It doesn't matter, I chose him over and over again 17 years long, just like he has gives me 17 years of his absolute fidelity.
At first I thought I wanted a Chinese husband of my culture, but 17 years I only love my husband. I actually never think of want to continue go on living if he die before me, we will grow old together and I don't know who will go first, me or him.
I thought I want a Chinese husband, but when I was back to China to take care of my deceased parents funerals, I miss my husband so much that I cried myself to sleep calling his name over and over.
I know I love him, it just why I can't get over his ethnicity, that it like it forbidden to love him because of his ethnicity.
It just I won't allow myself to love him, and it hurts 17 years long because I struggle with love him, but keep telling myself I can't love him.
And he knows my struggle too, since the beginning of him pursuit me till now, so it not like he not know. But he keeps said he will wait for me, and he will use his love to touch me and touch my heart. And just like that we spend 17 years of our lives together, almost 2 decades long.
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u/No-Lifeguard9194 9h ago
Has he made efforts to understand your culture and language? Because that could be part of it and I think that’s legitimate. If he participates in your cultural traditions, and does his best to make what matters to you part of your lives together, I think that would probably do a lot to alleviate some of the feelings you’re having.
If he does all that, and you still feel that you can’t accept him fully, then I think you might want to get some counselling.
ETA – my husband is American. I am Canadian. If he cared one whit about American Thanksgiving versus Canadian Thanksgiving, we would do both. But he doesn’t, so we don’t (thankfully). Same with other American traditions – he doesn’t care. But if we did we would do something.
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u/wc2022 9h ago edited 9h ago
Thank you for your input Mrs.
He very respectful of my culture, in fact there things he even more Chinese than me, example like he is a very filial son to both his father and mother. And he can some Chinese too (just not like native born Chinese speakers), and even before we met, he only eats Asian food, lolol.
It just I won't allow myself to love him because he is not Chinese.
And if you click on my profile you will know his ethnicity, and it probably make more sense as to why my Chinese mother not approve him, I was a laughing stock for my whole Chinese family and relatives back in China.
It doesn't matter, I chose him over and over again 17 years long, just like he has gives me 17 years of his absolute fidelity.
At first I thought I wanted a Chinese husband of my culture, but 17 years I only love my husband. I actually never think want to continue go on living if he die before me, we will grow old together and I don't know who will go first, me or him.
I thought I want a Chinese husband, but when I was back to China to take care of my deceased parents funerals, I miss my husband so much that I cried myself to sleep calling his name over and over.
I know I love him, it just why I can't get over his ethnicity, that it like it forbidden to love him because of his ethnicity.
It just I won't allow myself to love him, and it hurts 17 years long because I struggle with love him, but keep telling myself I can't love him.
And he knows my struggle too, since the beginning of him pursuit me till now, so it not like he not know. But he keeps said he will wait for me, and he will use his love to touch me and touch my heart. And just like that we spend 17 years of our lives together, almost 2 decades long.
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u/lauvan26 5h ago
Do you not realize Chinese tend to be racism and xenophobic especially towards black people? That’s why you were a laughing stock of your family. I hope you defended your husband when they said negative things about him.
You need to go to therapy to unpack these feelings.
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u/NightHawkSpirit 8h ago
Well girl after all that time it's probably a good idea to get you some therapy.
There you can figure it out for sure.
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u/CalTheRobot 5h ago
If you are going to be living in China, then this might be a bit more of a long term problem for you.
However, if you are living abroad, I would guess there is a good chance the whole racism stuff will fade to the back of your mind.
But I don't know, I've never been racist. But I have lived in China for a few years. Cities like Shenzhen are very international, but I seen people from more rural areas be rather negative toward outside people. They were generally nice and hospitable knowing the outside people are just guests, but I get the feeling they don't want outside people like myself to be part of things beyond just being a short term guest.
When I went to Guangzhou I saw a lot more negative feelings toward Africans. I only saw it second hand, as I am not African. A guy I worked with however got treated much better once they realized he was a black American and not an African. Some sort of deeper animosity going down in that part of China that I never saw in other parts I went to.
But I am just an outside person, so what do I know?
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u/SuperKKcrackers 5h ago edited 5h ago
I’m the MIL of a Chinese young woman. She’s smart, well educated, well employed, classy, polite, sweet, thoughtful. She’s older than my son by several years. She, unfortunately, doesn’t like me back. She also doesn’t like my daughter (my son’s only sibling) or any of my son’s friends. We’re white but we’re Southern European/ Mediterranean. We’re not WASPs. We’re affectionate, direct, sincere, warm, expressive, laid back, and far from formal. It’s ok to agree to disagree in our family. The only person she has bonded with is my stepfather’s lady friend, who is German and looks like an old skinny Barbie doll. Old Barbie has a patina of style and class but she’s superficial, ignorant, rigid, inflexible, materialistic, and openly disrespectful to me. She’s the only WASP in our family. Her only merit is that when she was very young and pretty she scored a wonderful and wealthy American dude who married her and she never had to bother working again. She never had any kids and couldn’t even tolerate a tiny dog for two weeks. When her dream husband died she scored my stepdad. I don’t understand why my Chinese DIL bonded with her. My DIL bosses my son around and has been trying to separate him from his whole family and friends since the beginning! She’s been hypersensitive about everything we say or do trying to find excuses to get offended. I worked at a Chinese corporation for a few years and what I saw was:
-They LOVE white people, but more than all, the WASPs. Like Ryan Gosling white. Not James Franco White. Not Penelope Cruz white.
-They DISLIKE black people in general, not just like African Americans.
-They don’t seem to know what to make of people who are southern or Eastern European.
Why? Could you explain the reasons why? I don’t get it.
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u/Hard2choose1 5h ago
Is he Indian?
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u/wc2022 5h ago
No. There a pic of him in my posting history in my profile.
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u/Hard2choose1 5h ago
Afro-American? Chinese people are particularly against marrying with black folks. Now I see why your mom never accepted him. It’s wrong but that’s how it is, especially with the older generation.
However, the odd thing is that YOU are having trouble with it now. If you love him and find him attractive (which you clearly must do, as you’re married to him) then it’s just your upbringing and conditioning that is causing mental obstacles for you now.
Perhaps, you need to accept that you may never fully mentally accept the fact that the man you love & married is NOT Chinese. And that is okay. Acceptance of your non-acceptance is key here.
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u/NoRecommendation9404 9h ago
You’ve already posted about this either yesterday or the day before. What are you after, exactly??
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u/PassiveChemistry 9h ago
Presumably, more venting was needed... It's not for us to judge when someone else is done venting, or not
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u/Welfinkind 10h ago
Why are you talking about your mother when you are the one who has disdain for your own husband?
Let the man go. He (and his million dollar salary) deserves someone who loves him unconditionally. Not a bigot.
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