r/Waiting_To_Wed • u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 • 9d ago
Discussion/Asking For Experiences Will creating a logistical deadline make it feel like a shut up ring?
My boyfriend (31) and I (32) have been dating since April 2025 and living together since January. Next month we have to make a decision about renewing our lease and I’m pretty sure I only want to sign for 6 months unless there’s a ring on my finger. I don’t think this would come as a total shock to him since I was already weary about moving in before a ring. All signs point to this not being necessary (talks about wedding planning, ring shopping etc) but I want to be smart about things. However, I’m worried that drawing this line will suck the joy out of it and make any ring feel like a shut up ring even if it was genuinely going to materialize without the deadline. Anyone have experience giving a deadline and how it turned out if you got the ring?
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u/Upbeat-Fly-8738 9d ago
Don’t think ultimatums work in this case but for sure talk about potential timelines; how you imagine your relationship progressing, how he imagines it, etc. Set your expectation eg. I’m dating for marriage, I’m not waiting for more than 2 years etc.
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 9d ago
I guess the question is if letting him know that I’m not waiting more than 2 years by only doing the 6 month lease does that actually end up feeling different than an ultimatum?
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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9257 9d ago
Leases are tough. It could be better to start with "I'd love to be engaged to you by the holidays this year, is that in the cards?" See what he says. If applicable, "ordering rings can take a few months, should we get on that?" If you think he doesn't know.
If the idea of proposing to you by new years makes him cringe or freakout, you've got bigger relationship issues. To which you then say "ok, I need to think about this for a couple days. I understand if you need more time, but we're not getting younger." Sit with his reaction, research your own places, then make a decision about lease renewal.
A 32 yo who has been living with you should know - esp if he wants kids.
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 9d ago
Ya and it’s more that I need to make a decision by November on how long of a lease we resign in January so the idea would be to set my expectation to be engaged by June or I’d be moving out. So it’s not even that I need it to be this mad dash of right now before the holidays just that I want to create that boundary for myself that I’m not going to be a live in girlfriend in January of 2028.
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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9257 9d ago
The reason to open with something like "I'd love to be engaged this holiday season, what do you think" is it allows you to gauge his reaction. If he's freaked out, don't sign a lease. If he's like "that's a bit too early, how about Spring?" You keep talking and maybe sign a 6 month lease.
You're not saying "you must do this" you're saying "I'd like this, what about you?" Conversation to get info you need to make a decision, basically.
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u/Reasonable-Cheese-16 9d ago
Sorry but I feel like you’re being way too kind to this man who is already 31. OP I wouldn’t use of any of the quotes this commentator mentioned (no offense), especially the ring bit which feels like babying this man.
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u/vomputer 9d ago
I get what you’re saying but I also think this poster has some good advice.
I agree we need to stop hand holding these men through every step of the process. I didn’t have to do any of that with the person I married, so I’m a little taken aback when I see women willing to do this.
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u/Reasonable-Cheese-16 8d ago
I agree the poster has some good advice! I just disagree with the bits they put in quotation marks. And I totally feel the same about what you’re saying.
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u/K_A_irony 9d ago
They haven’t even been dating 2 years at this point.
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u/kingpinkatya do you find yourself begging 4 love and understanding? 🏃🏽♀️💨 8d ago
Yes, I did a double take at the date. If I hadnt been paying attention I would have thought they would have been dating for 4+ years.
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u/UnableFinger7233 9d ago
You can frame it as moving out after 6 months, not ending the relationship after 6 months. By moving out at 6 months if there’s no ring, technically you’re still together (though I would absolutely end it after another month or so).
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u/Fun_Performance711 6d ago
"We had our trial of living together to see if we were compatible for marriage. Now I will move out unt
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u/lostmyoldaccountohno 9d ago
It's not an ultimatum because you aren't forcing him to do anything or telling him what behaviour you expect him to do. You are telling him YOUR planned behaviour -- that you will leave by X time if your relationship is not at the next stage.
Let's think through the only possible options here: A. (What we are suggesting you do). If your mind and emotions are telling you your limit is 2 years, you tell your partner "hey I've thought about it and I see a life and marriage with you. And at this age and phase of my life I would not stay with a partner past 2 years if we we're not engaged. I'm not forcing you to propose but I'm just stating my own boundaries and needs"
B. You set the deadline only internally in your head for when you'd leave (because you are afraid that telling him out loud makes it "an ultimatum") and if he passes that date and doesn't propose you pack your bags and leave that day and tell him it's because he didn't propose. His response would be "how the hell is it fair that you had planned to leave at the 2 year mark if I didnt propose but then you never told me that so how could I have known and planned accordingly?"
C. You are so afraid of your behaviour being perceived as "an ultimatum" but you also don't want to set an internal deadline to leave because you actually want a future with this man. However he never plans to propose. You spend the next 10 years of your life waiting and not getting engaged because you are afraid that either setting a deadline or leaving someone for not proposing will label you as a "crazy woman who levelled an ultimatum"
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u/Potential-View-5827 9d ago
Let's think through the only possible options here:
This is a false premise that I often see on this sub: give an ultimatum-boundary or don't communicate at all and blindside him or be led on. These aren't the only options. For instance, OP could have a conversation with her partner that does not include any "or else" component.
Note that I'm not saying A is wrong (nor B nor C) but simply that there are other options and other possible outcomes.
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u/lostmyoldaccountohno 9d ago
Ok and what happens if he says "oh I'm not sure when it will happen".......?
Around and around in circles they go
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u/Potential-View-5827 9d ago
You continue the conversation? Obviously. I never said just ask one question. I said have a conversation.
This is one of the biggest issues on this sub to be honest. Some people don't seem to understand how a conversation and healthy communication work. They think it's making one statement or asking one question and that's it.
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u/lostmyoldaccountohno 9d ago
No that's really not it. So many of the women on this sub go to their male partners and try to have a conversation and then the man gives vague or evasive answers.
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u/Potential-View-5827 9d ago edited 9d ago
Yes, many women will make one statement or ask one question, get a vague or evasive answer or an answer they don't like, and leave it at that. I have seen it time and time again on this sub. That is not having a conversation.
When I mentioned having a conversation, your answer was "Ok and what happens if he says "oh I'm not sure when it will happen".......?" as if the answer wasn't obvious.
More importantly, here, OP never said she tried to have a conversation and he gave vague or evasive answers.
In any case, the point was that there are more options as well as more possible outcomes. It's a false dichotomy to pretend OP's options are give him a "or else" or shut up and never marry him. Based on everything OP said, she doesn't like options A, B, and C but would be an excellent candidate for option D. I want to empower women by showing them more options.
ETA: to be clear, it does also happen that women do press for answers and then directly address the lack of actual answers without success and all of their attempt to have a constructive conversation fail. If that's the case, then that couple simply doesn't have good communication and they need to either fix it, accept it, or leave. If a decent attempt to fix it has failed, I would strongly recommend just leaving, which is an option and outcome that is different from A, B, and C. Someone refusing to have a proper conversation with you is information.
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u/knysa-amatole 7d ago
But it sounds like OP and her boyfriend have already been having conversations about marriage, and OP is getting tired of only ever having conversations that never result in actual actions being taken, so she is wondering how much longer to keep "just having conversations" for.
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u/Potential-View-5827 3d ago edited 3d ago
No, OP never states that she has directly asked him when he intends to propose or that she has had the type of direct and clear-communication conversations I am referring to.
She mentions having told him her timeline over a year ago and then having some general talk about marriage over the past 3 months. That is very different from what I am talking about.
She does mention that they went ring shopping and that he told her he needed to talk to her dad in December and that all signs point to him proposing within her timeline. It also sounds like she's uncomfortable with A, B, and C options. Honestly, I think she's an excellent candidate for option D. If that fails, she will have some decisions to make but it's worth trying and may very well have good results in her case. Or to be more precise, it's worth mentioning the option rather than limiting her to a false dichotomy.
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u/KookyHalf 9d ago
If you tell him “you have to put a ring on it by the end of the six month lease”, that’s an ultimatum and you may end up with a shut up ring. If you say “I want to be engaged in 6 months and if we aren’t, then I’m leaving”, that’s a clearly stated boundary. I recommend you do the latter. Sounds similar, but the second is a healthier way to communicate.
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u/gib_loops 9d ago
both are ultimatums lol
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u/Potential-View-5827 9d ago
I am glad to see it pointed out. It's better communication and it's not an ultimatum in intention but it is still an ultimatum in effect and it's important to recognize that.
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u/lostmyoldaccountohno 9d ago edited 9d ago
So what's the alternative? This woman spends the next 10 years of her life afraid to state her intended deadline for fear that she gets called out for "an ultimatum" even if she would have preferred to leave at the 2 years mark? Or she packs up her bags and leaves at the 2 year mark as her brain is telling her to do but she DOESN'T tell him that plan in advance and then he thinks "wtf she had planned to leave me after 2 years if no ring but never told me so how could I have possibly known and planned accordingly?"
Genuinely. Please tell me. Which option should this woman (and others in her position) choose in your opinion?
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u/nunforyou 9d ago
She does have to say “I’d leave at the two year mark if we aren’t engaged by then.” She can say ask him about what his ideal timeline is for getting engaged, share hers, see how they align, and agree on a timeline that they are both happy with. Or not, in which case they break up
I wouldn’t be resigning a lease if I were OP. She was already hesitant to move in without being engaged, told her boyfriend about it and they presumably compromised. If the lease expires and they aren’t engaged they can go on their separate ways, and if he does propose then they can just move to a new place. Moving sucks but it’s better than being stuck in a lease with someone who doesn’t want a future with you
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u/Common_Sense_1451 9d ago
I would talk about what our plans are for the lease ending and then ask him what our future looks like to him. Get it out of him that way without being super direct. Then she can tell him what she thinks their future looks like and take it from there.
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u/lostmyoldaccountohno 9d ago
Why does she need to be indirect? They are grown adults. A 30 something yr old woman in a healthy relationship shouldn't fear having a direct conversation about her own life
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u/gib_loops 9d ago
i have never said it's a bad thing. she should say it clearly. acting like she is committing some evil by phrasing it this way instead of that way is the only thing im protesting against here.
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u/lostmyoldaccountohno 9d ago
That's fair enough. I personally prefer the phrasing of your own actions rather than the other persons.
But agree with you that regardless, it's not evil for a 32 year old woman to say clearly to her partner that she has specific and explicit expectations on a timeline for her own life and their shared life
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u/gib_loops 9d ago
i dont even think there is a way to phrase it in a way that completely removes his actions - he either proposes or he does not.
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u/KookyHalf 9d ago
No they’re not. A boundary is an if then statement and says what you will do. In an ultimatum you are telling someone what to do. A boundary communicates what you will tolerate and do if the behavior persists. Example: Your partner has a drinking problem and regularly goes out with a friend and gets black out drunk. An ultimatum is, “you can’t go out with your friend anymore.” A boundary is “if you continue to go out and get black out drunk, our relationship is over and I’m leaving.”
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u/gib_loops 9d ago
the outcome is the same - either he proposes or they are done. you can sugarcoat it as much as you want, but most normal adults are perfectly capable of seeing through it.
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u/KookyHalf 9d ago
Completely agree. However, healthy communication is better if this ends up being a marriage.
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u/gib_loops 9d ago
healthy communication means not having to tip toe around the issue. not having to sugarcoat stuff. not having to phrase everything in the exact correct way for the other person to be able to even hear it.
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u/WeaponsGrade520 9d ago
It’s an ultimatum by another name. The whole boundary vs. ultimatum discussion is profoundly useless because they serve the exact same function - telling someone that there will be consequences if you don’t get what you want. So own your threats and back them up, but don’t act like this is some neutral act.
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u/Catfactss 6d ago
I don't think it's an ultimatum to decide what works for you. "I don't consent to indefinitely being a girlfriend and you don't get to unilaterally decide that I do. I am renewing this as a 6 month lease to give you enough time to plan our engagement. I am not open to continuing our relationship after that time without an engagement and a wedding date."
It's only an ultimatum if don't you mean it and are just trying to manipulate. If you'd rather be single than continue the relationship unengaged there is nothing wrong with stating this so he knows.
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u/Fun_Performance711 6d ago
Personally, I don't see letting him know where you stand as an ultimatum. It's your choice between two outcomes. If he doesn't propose you will go; if he does propose you will stay. He needs to know so that he can make a decision.
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u/therealzacchai 9d ago
Reframe the issue in your own mind:
This isn't about 'a ring.' It's not about a proposal, an engagement, or even a lease.
This is you making plans for your life. You have a right to know whether this man is going to be a part of your life in 6 months, or whether your plan needs to shift.
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u/mariposa-princess 9d ago
When you went ring shopping did he actually buy one or were you just looking? And have you actually discussed timelines about marriage already rather than just the wedding you want?
Talking about a wedding and talking about marriage are different
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u/Mrs_steaks 9d ago
Did you have any timeline talks previously?
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 9d ago
When we were moving in together I said I wouldn’t be a live in girlfriend for more than 2 years so our relationship had to be on a marriage track, we’ve been talking about it more in general within the last 3 months, went ring shopping last month, and he has mentioned wanting to talk to my dad when we’re visiting them in December
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u/shegotofftheplane 9d ago
Have all these marriage discussions/ring shopping been initiated by you? Has he taken initiative for anything? When you went ring shopping, did he buy a ring?
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u/sanchopanza333 8d ago
So your arbitrary deadline overlaps with an important condition for your s/o to propose, which is him talking to your dad? This is wrapped up, a proposal is imminent, probably a few months after he talks to your dad. If it really makes your anxiety go down, just be direct and ask about his timeline, with no ultimatum
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u/MagicCarpet5846 9d ago edited 9d ago
I would just communicate, “I am glad we made sure we were able to live together before taking the next step together. That being said, I feel like the past several months has taught me that we do work well together. You knew I was a bit weary of living with a partner I’m not engaged to, and that still hasn’t changed. Now that we know for sure we cohabitate well and have already started discussing plans, it’s important to me that we make it official before we sign another lease together.”
If he starts making excuses, then yeah maybe it is a shut up ring. If he starts saying “oh I have a plan” I would just ask him “I don’t need an exact date but if you have a plan I need to know a timeline, because I am not comfortable living with someone I am not married to for a prolonged period of time.” And frankly, make sure it’s within 6 months and then maybe it’s just his name on the lease and make it clear that if he doesn’t follow through you’re prepared to walk away.
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u/shegotofftheplane 9d ago
I’ll be blunt. If you wanted to be “smart about things,” you wouldn’t have moved in without a ring OR you would’ve had a clear timeline set when moving in. What was the timeline when you moved in? Are you able to get one before you renew your lease?
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u/MagicCarpet5846 9d ago
Nah I disagree. Don’t commit to marriage if you don’t even know you can live together. That being said, they obviously can so it’s okay to say, “we know now we cohabitate well. I do not feel comfortable signing another lease with you unless you are my fiancé.
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u/thanks4advice101 9d ago
It's not so much commiting to marriage as having the discussion of marriage and that timeline before moving in together. For me, my boyfriend at the time said he wanted to live together for a year before proposing, and I want to be done with babies by the time I'm 35. We both agreed to that before having the chance to see how we are together 24/7. If we didn't even have that discussion first, one of us could feel stuck. Our timeline matched so after 2 years we moved in together. Now we're engaged because we live well together and still like eachother. Before making a big decision like this, you should at least agree on what your future could look like
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u/MusicalllyInclined 9d ago
My boyfriend has a similar view on this. He wants to live together before getting engaged and I said I was fine with that as long as we're engaged within a year of living together. We'll be moving in together in February 2027 and our 2 year anniversary will hit at the beginning of May 2027. We've had lots of talks about the future over the past year and he has already told me how he plans to propose and when lmao. I guess I should've told him that I would rather the "how" be secret, but I was already guessing how he would do it (and I was right lol).
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 9d ago edited 9d ago
I know that’s a popular sentiment on this sub but I disagree. I’m glad we live together, it has shown how compatible we really are and makes me feel confident wanting an engagement within 2 years of dating which I think is fast by a lot of people’s standards. If I wasn’t willing to move out if things don’t progress that’s another issue, but I am.
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u/Potential-View-5827 9d ago
That's perfectly fine. Tons of happily married couples chose to live together before marriage.
Not everyone is interested in the "I'm a product you need to purchase by marrying me" mindset. I would rather be single forever than adopt this kind of mercantile approach to relationships. Luckily, these aren't the only two options.
I do agree that if marriage on a certain timeline is important to you, this should have been discussed before moving in. Communication is a good thing. You should know what his intentions are, not just read signs. In your shoes, I would simply ask him.
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u/mistress_of_bokonon 9d ago
I get so frustrated with the transactional mandates spouted in this sub. I met my partner at age 33, moved in together 1.5 years later, engaged 1.5 years after that, married 1.5 years later. There were no demands, but regular open discussion about our relationship. We’re very happily married now.
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u/Middle_Road_Traveler 8d ago
I think it's more about ignoring red flags. Reading between the lines of many posts here ... it seems the writer knew they took the wrong turn and are now trying to right things. People who are serious act seriously. Maybe they have mature close talks like you did. Maybe they give living together a shot. Maybe they want the on bended knee proposal. But, whatever their goal is, they take it seriously and make wise decisions.
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u/BreakfastF00ds 8d ago
I totally agree about ignoring the red flags. I can't imagine getting engaged to someone I haven't lived with. I think OP has a great outlook in that she knows what she needs and is willing to change course if they are not aligned. Where living together goes wrong is when the man (usually) is intentionally stringing his partner along and she ignores it or justifies staying with "our lives are intertwined," "we have a cat together!" or other silliness to justify not walking away. Like you said, people who are serious act seriously.
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u/Adept-Depth-1825 9d ago
Ehm. So. Why do you want to give him an ultimatum now if you’re so happy with how things are? I couldn’t care less if people get married. But trying to force someone to marry you over a lease is… not a great start to a marriage.
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u/blue_eyes_forever 9d ago
At 32 you really don’t have years to waste if you want a few kids… I assume that’s why op wants a deadline
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u/Several_Shopping_687 9d ago
That’s my view on it, I’d never move in with a guy unless I was engaged, it’s a risk not worth taking especially In your 30s
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u/turtle_on_a_mission 9d ago
This only works if people are ready and prepared to live apart for two years at least before moving together and getting engaged, in order to get to know their partner properly and the honeymoon phase to be over. Otherwise rules like this only make for rushed engagements and a higher likelihood of breakups or divorce.
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u/Intelligent_rose12 8d ago
No they don’t! My cousin was dating her husband for a little more than a year before they got married. They never moved in before marriage either. They’ve now been married for 14 years and very happy!
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u/mmsbva 9d ago
Not what studies show. And I think it is reasonable to live apart until an active decision about the future is made. Not just talk.
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u/Mean_Restaurant_6488 9d ago
I don’t know the studies (do you have examples?) but I’d guess there’s a high likelihood of selection/Omitted variable bias and correlation-causality-fallacy.
I’d think people that postpone moving in together until after marriage are way more likely religious and/or conservative in their views on marriage and divorce. So, e.g. lower divorce rates, do not necessarily mean they are happier/have a more successful relationship or that it is caused by living separately prior to marriage.
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u/Potential-View-5827 9d ago
The research on this is a mixed bag. It hasn't conclusively pointed to a causality. In fact, even correlation isn't something that is consistently and universally verified across studies.
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u/Intelligent_rose12 8d ago
I wouldn’t live with a guy before marriage and I’m not religious or conservative.
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u/mmsbva 9d ago
https://web.stanford.edu/\~mrosenfe/Rosenfeld_and_Roesler_Cohabitation_Experience_NSFG.pdf
Summary (I copy and pasted the conclusion of the research study into ai and this is the summary)
**• The "normalization" idea fails:** the theory was that once cohabitation stopped being rare and stigmatized, cohabiters' higher divorce rates would shrink toward everyone else's. They found no such convergence. The disadvantage has stayed roughly constant across decades and marriage cohorts. **• Timing within the marriage matters:** in the first year of marriage, couples who had lived together actually broke up less often than those who hadn't. The higher divorce risk shows up later, most strongly after five years. **• Two opposing effects:** they explain this with a short-term benefit and a longer-term cost. The benefit is practical experience: the couple has already adjusted to living together. The cost is what they call the experience of impermanence: having lived in an arrangement that is easier to leave. **• Who you lived with matters:** living with the future spouse gives the first-year benefit. Living with earlier partners gives none of it and is much more strongly tied to later divorce. **• Why other studies disagreed:** they argue that researchers who found no effect in recent marriages were misled by the first-year advantage, because recent marriages haven't lasted long enough for the later risk to appear.18
u/shegotofftheplane 9d ago
Agreed. I wish this was pinned on this sub. Women need to understand that moving in for women typically is very different than moving in for men. Most women see it as the step right before marriage while most men slide into it and or do it for convenience, but do not necessarily view it as a step before marriage.
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u/WeaponsGrade520 9d ago
Agree. I don’t grant free trial offers. There’s no “try out the wife product for a year to decide if you like it” followed by me jacking up the price. A man who wants to marry you doesn’t need you to pull strings.
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u/Verybigdoona 9d ago
Does that mean you also abstain from sex until engagement?
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u/WeaponsGrade520 9d ago
I fully understand if some do, but I don’t. Sex isn’t as valuable as my focus, financial investment, and presence. I’m a partner, not a sacred hole. And I didn’t have to ask for either of my rings.
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u/aortalrecoil 9d ago
Neither did the majority of people who cohabited before marriage lol you’re not special for it
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u/WeaponsGrade520 9d ago
That's great, good for you! I'm aware that not everyone is in a position to live as I have. But this page is for women who are dry-begging for marriage at the end of the free trial. Their men aren't buying what they're selling. So perhaps some overcorrection is suitable.
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u/Adept-Depth-1825 9d ago
It’s this. You already showed him you don’t need a commitment.
And if you give him this ultimatum, what does that say about his desire to get married?
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 9d ago
What exactly were the “talks”? Did you bring up ring shopping and wedding planning or did he? And was this concrete planning (like “let’s go look at rings this weekend“) or was it aspirational (”we should go ring shopping sometime”)? Because you need to be very honest with yourself about how much of these talks are him really expressing an interest in marriage vs how much is him going along with you talking about it.
If he wants to marry you, he’ll propose and he won’t need to have a lease at his back. I don’t think you need to have any “ring or move out” conversations. If it’s lease renewal time and he hasn’t proposed, then move out and move on.
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u/Elemental_Biscotti 9d ago
You're ring shopping, having "talks about wedding planning," etc., but how firmly have you talked about "This is a real thing that's actually happening"? Because to me that's way more certain than getting a ring. Ask me about all the people I know who got "proposed to" and given a ring and then life continued in exactly the same way it had been, for years, with no *real* wedding planning or date set or even a timeline for a date. I kind of personally feel like you're not actually "engaged" until someone has put a deposit down on a venue.
Before the lease thing, I'd have a conversation along the lines of "Hey, with the whole lease resigning thing coming up, it's got me thinking -- I know we have talked about it some but what are we thinking in terms of setting a wedding date? When were you thinking we'd actually get it done by? I'd kind of like to nail down those plans before we sign more than a six month lease together." If that weirds him out or makes him uncomfortable, then sorry, I don't think he's actually serious about getting married and all the talk has just been talk.
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u/jednorog 9d ago
When was the last time you two talked about marriage? What, precisely, did you say? What, precisely, did he say?
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u/MidwestNightgirl 9d ago
I think it would be smart to have a conversation to make sure y’all are on the same page about things and the timeframe. You don’t have to make it sound “conditional” … even if it is in your mind. He may be thinking “some day” and to him that some day may be years down the road. Hopefully from the conversation you can get a better sense of what’s going on and whether you want to stick around.
I do think it’s good to have a timeframe in mind and to not let him string you along for years.
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u/Adorable-Crazy-1067 9d ago
Just ask his timeline and share yours, if it’s similar you can come to a loose agreement if it’s different you need to make a choice
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u/MilkstacheMustache 9d ago
I don't think a logistical deadline is a bad thing. When I moved in with my husband, I told him that moving in together is a step towards a more serious relationship and if we moved in together I expected to be engaged within two years.
It's just the one month lead time that concerns me. Id it we're me, I'd probably give him the 7 months until the next renewal and just have a slightly shorter engagement. You're not one of the women here who has spent 6 years dating a man who insists he does not want to get married, and despite what others say, 32 is not that old.
But it's your life! If you want to let him know before the renewal, that conversation needs to happen immediately.
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u/lostmyoldaccountohno 9d ago edited 9d ago
95% of the women (and gay men) in my social circle who are married (we are early 30s) gave strict boundaries and deadlines to their partners on how long they would wait for a ring. Most straight men are happy to wait for years unless you make it clear where your boundaries lie. It's not an ultimatum, it's you stating what your own plan is for your own life.
Of course this is presuming you are in a healthy relationship with an emotionally sound and mature person.
My fiance and I are the identical ages and started dating May 2025. For both logistical and personal development reasons I told him at the 1 year mark that my time limit at this age and stage in life was 18 months until engagement.
He made some comments about it being and ultimatum and I said "it's not an ultimatum, it has nothing to do with you and forcing you to do anything. But I'm just stating my own personal time limit before I move on with my life"
Within a couple weeks he was fully on board and he proposed at 14 months. Our big wedding is scheduled for next year but we are doing the civil ceremony next week with our family and closest friends (partially for logistical reasons and partially for elderly grandparents to be able to attend given their deteriorating health)
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u/Aggravating-Day2370 9d ago
I gave my ex husband a deadline and I did get the ring.
We lived together for 3 years as students so it wasn't practical to get married, but I told him upfront that if he didn't propose to me within 2 years, I'd do it on our 2 year anniversary.
He proposed to me after about 18 months and it wasn't a 'shut up' ring as he wanted to be married to me. It didn't take the joy out of the occasion as I'd been clear about what I wanted from the very start and he knew I'd leave if he didn't propose.
If it's what you both want, then I found setting a deadline didn't make a difference, it guaranteed that I wouldn't be left hanging. My ex said he didn't believe in marriage and only did it for me, so I could have been twisting his arm, but I wasn't.
If your boyfriend picks the 'where' and 'how' of the engagement, then it is a lovely surprise and he's just as involved in it as you are. You aren't trying to force him to do something he doesn't want to do, you want to keep things moving along.
I'd say that if he's concerned about the expense of the wedding itself, see if there's a way to have something meaningful that's not so expensive. Explain that there's loads of different types of weddings, small registry office weddings where it's legal and not religious, back garden ones, small, intimate weddings, getting married somewhere inexpensive but meaningful. He may think you can only have a huge wedding or teeny tiny one and it would be helpful for him to have more information to help with his decisions.
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u/Potential-View-5827 9d ago
Rather than setting a deadline, why don't you start by asking him when he intends to propose?
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u/Thatssowestcoast 9d ago
Having a conversation isn’t a shut up ring. If two people are smart and dating for marriage, discussing engagement is necessary for a successful future. Sometimes the man brings it up first, sometimes the woman. I feel your concern, but since you haven’t had the conversation yet. Talk to him and see how it goes.
I can’t stress this enough, if he is on the same page, having this discussion should spark joy from his end. Any other emotion like fear, anger, avoidance should give you your answer. I personally think this time line should be set if you move in together.
My past relationship sounded a bit like yours. Same ages. Mine didn’t end well, I was ready to talk serious, he wasn’t even thinking about it. After trying to have serious conversations 3 times, that were met by avoidance and annoyance, I was done. We broke up, and I’m glad I didn’t stay in the uncertainty cycle.
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u/AffectionateBite3827 8d ago
I was already weary about moving in before a ring
Wary.
But also: why did you move in if you weren't 100% comfortable?
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 9d ago
You've been together for 18 months but your boyfriend was comfortable moving in together after only 8 months, so you aren't rushing him. He's either ready to move the relationship forward or he isn't. I wouldn't sign a lease for longer than 6 months at this point either. Talking means nothing.
Tell him you're only willing to renew the lease for 6 months because you're not willing to spend more than 18 months living with a boyfriend. It's not an ultimatum. It's a standard. If he objects, don't sign a lease with him. Get your own apartment. You can continue to date and see where the relationship goes, but you maintain your autonomy. You aren't forcing him to live with you or to propose. You're just making it clear that you aren't prepared to play house with a boyfriend indefinitely. A man who isn't willing to accept your standards (i.e. thinks he gets to override them with his own) isn't right for you.
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u/Fun_Performance711 8d ago
If you have to give someone a deadline to propose and to choose you, then the relationship is already over.
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u/easypeasy1982 9d ago
A year.... you have only been together for a year and are already thinking of ultimatum. Yikes.
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u/shegotofftheplane 9d ago
She wants a ring in 6 months which will be 2 years of them dating and almost 1.5 years of them living together. That’s perfectly normal, especially in your 30s. OP just went about this and is currently going about this badly 😩
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u/xangeloffduty 9d ago
"Wanting a ring" is such strange framing.
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 9d ago
I mean it’s just phrasing. Of course I mean get engaged to we can start planning to be married.
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u/mariposa-princess 9d ago
No she’s saying she wants a ring within the next month or else she won’t sign the lease. The lease itself is what’s 6 months but the choice has to be made next month
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 9d ago
No I’m saying I want it within 6 months which will be 2 years of us dating and over a year of living together. We’re incredibly well matched and I’m in my 30s I need to be realistic about children.
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u/Bashful_Belle 9d ago
Have you guys spoken about marriage and children already? Is this something you’re aligned on? I started dating my husband around the same age you were when you started dating your boyfriend and we were talking about our ideal long term family plans within the first three months of dating.
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u/shegotofftheplane 9d ago
So what is the hesitancy from him? What timeline talks did you have before moving in?
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 9d ago
I think the hesitancy is mostly money. We’ll be paying for anything wedding related and I know he envisions a more traditional wedding. But also he might just think closer to two years together is a more reasonable time to get engaged. The talks we had before were about me being hesitant to move in before being engaged and that I wasn’t going to be a multiple year live in girlfriend.
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u/shegotofftheplane 9d ago
Marriage != wedding. Can you have a smaller or court marriage and then have a bigger wedding later down the road? 2 years is perfect time to get engaged and you’re fine to sit him down to revisit the marriage timeline/sign a 6 month lease since it matches your initial agreed upon timeline and he knows that.
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u/TermAggravating8043 9d ago
I think that's reasonable, you've only been together a year so it's not fair to assume you'll both be together in another years time
Doesn't need to be about s ring right now, just not big commitments
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u/Bucky2015 9d ago
Wanting a ring after only 1.5 years together just to feel better about a 6 month lease is odd. There are no legal protections for an engaged couple like there are for a married one. That ring guarantees nothing. In fact if he gets the ring based on an ultimatum that may make the relationship more likely to implode, not less.
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u/TermAggravating8043 9d ago
The ring is a symbol, being engaged is not the same as a married couple I agree, but a wedding take time effort and money to organize. Being engaged shows your intention. 1.5 years together when their both in their 30's is reasonable, their not kids.
This us not an ultimatum, this is being sensible
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u/Bucky2015 9d ago
If her bf has no intention of proposing yet and she brings it up with the stipulation that she wont sign a lease with him without a ring then yes that is an ultimatum. The ring is a sign of intention when both people are ready for that step. If one person feels like they HAVE to take that step that defeats the purpose. Theres a guy where I work who had been married 6 times, no I am not exaggerating. His response when asked is that it is what those women wanted. In other words he does it to shut them up.
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u/TermAggravating8043 9d ago
That tells more if his character then and the people he picks.
We don't know what his intentions are about proposing, but it would be stupid to sign a lease any longer than 6 months with just a bf. She doesn't need to make it an ultimatum, just s matter of let's see where we are in 6 months time
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u/Bucky2015 9d ago
but it would be stupid to sign a lease any longer than 6 months with just a bf.
At least in the US it is incredibly normal to go through at least one 1 year lease cycle without being engaged or married. The only person I know who didnt live with their SO for at least a year before getting engaged or married is me and it still didnt work out. Breakups with a lease are not that bad. Buying a house before being at least engaged (although I wouldn't do that until married, legal protection) is definitely stupid.
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u/BabyyBamboo 9d ago
Y’all haven’t been together that long. You’re still getting to know each other at this point really. I’m sorry but I would absolutely not give him an ultimatum at this time. 2.5 years pushing 3? Sure
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u/959539622 9d ago
Honestly, you never stop getting to know someone. But what she needs to know right now is whether they want the same future together.
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u/BabyyBamboo 9d ago
Agreed and I think theres better ways to approach this without giving deadlines or ultimatums. From my (personal) experience men do what they want.
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u/lostmyoldaccountohno 9d ago
A 32 year old woman (who wants multiple kids as it seems OP does) doesn't have another 1.5 years to wait around in silence hoping "he chooses her" -- it's her life and she gets to make active choices too
What happens if she waits and gives the ultimatum at 3 years and it turns out he had never intended to marry her and says no anyway. What an absolute waste of her own time and life to have waited in silence without that information for that extra year and a half of time
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u/BabyyBamboo 9d ago
Everyone’s timeline is different which I do understand. Hoping you get good advice on here. I married my husband ten years after meeting each other but we were quite young so this made sense for us. We had a long engagement as well
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u/Daddy_urp 9d ago
You need to communicate your expectations. That doesn’t mean you’ll get a shut up ring, it just means you aren’t expecting him to read your mind. I told my husband that I wouldn’t wait more than 5 years, and then as we got to year 3 I told him that I’d prefer not to get to 4 without a ring.
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u/schecter_ 9d ago
I feel like when you have to “give a deadline” is either because of insecurity or the other person is showing signs of not being actually committed. If you want to get married, why don’t you just sit and discuss it.
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u/Adept_Policy_2996 9d ago
This post makes me realize that OP would have been best off (too late now) to have said when asked to move in - "I am going against my desires to move in with a boyfriend instead of a fiance. However, I really love you, and will move in with you if you feel you need to live with someone prior to getting engaged. However, I want you to know upfront that I will not resign a lease. You need to have either proposed by that point, or I will look for other accommodations. I am unwilling to be a long term live in girlfriend." Then never bring it up again. He will have heard your boundaries prior to moving in, and can't be "blindsided". As the renewal date arrives the discussion then becomes, "I'm moving out to xyz. I told you I wouldn't resign a lease as a girlfriend. That's a standard I hold myself to."
This doesn't help OP, but hopefully gives other girlfriends guidance on how to frame that conversation prior to ever moving in with a boyfriend.
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u/chatterbox2024 8d ago
Yes, me. My husband knew I wanted to get married but he insisted he wanted to live together first to make sure we were compatible in that way. After about 3 mos. living together I asked him how he thought things were going with us living together. He said he was happy and I said me too but don’t forget how I feel about wanting to get married. He said I won’t. A month later he proposed. We got married a few months later. lol. We’ve been married 26 yrs now.
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u/No_Championship_7080 7d ago
You could let him sign the lease alone, so that you aren’t obligated if you aren’t engaged by the time you believe that you should be.
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u/Good_Connection_547 9d ago
There’s no guarantee they’re going to offer you a 6-month lease option, FYI. Their renewal offers depend on future vacancy projections.
I think this is the wrong way to find a life partner - you guys moved in together within 7 months.
You sound like someone who’s trying to lock down a baby daddy before you’ve actually figured out if he’s the right man. Is that the case - are you on a timeline because you want kids?
Just remember that any future kids you have planned deserve the courtesy of you finding the right person and not rushing things.
I’m not anti-living together before marriage, but you moved in with this one too soon. You need to have an honest, up front conversation ASAP.
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u/WrongPrimary2456 9d ago
I think 1.5 year dating isn’t quite enough to get married with someone. That’s my opinion tho and how things work for me.
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u/RedditUser28947 9d ago
Not if you're 22, but they're 32. Older relationships take less time if both parties are dating with the intent to actually find and secure a partner.
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u/GnomieOk4136 Marry someone excited to be with you. Happily married 15 years. 9d ago
I don't think that alone would do it. That is just you setting limits for yourself. You aren't pushing on him, you are just saying what you will do. If we aren't engaged before renewal time, I will be finding a new place to live.
You will feel rejected and like you are getting a shut up ring if he objects to it. If he fusses about "too soon" or "not ready" or "I don't know yet," that's a shut up ring.
Have deposits ready for a new place. Have the conversation. Listen to what he says and how as he responds. No matter what, follow through. That may mean setting a date once he proposes. That may mean a new apartment when the lease ends. Follow through.
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u/Adventurous-berry564 9d ago
I agree living together pre engagement is good. However what was discussed before moving in. Did you say you wanted to be engaged by 2 year mark or anything of that sentiment before moving in. Or having a conversation about timelines in general. Doesn’t need to be an ultimatum at this point just a do you want to get married/ if so when convo
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u/rmas1974 9d ago
You have only been together for 18 months so you aren’t a forever girlfriend yet. To answer your question - yes, I have seen cases of women saying that it is time to get engaged or call it quits. The results were mixed. They were all with couples together a lot longer than 18 months. You risk blowing yourself out of the water but it is up to you to decide whether to take the risk.
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u/thanks4advice101 9d ago
To be fair, you've only been together for a year and a half. I wouldn't rush it personally. If anything it may be a "shutup ring" rather than an extra special moment. I would suggest rather to discuss the timeline you both see for yourselves in the future. When you want to be married by. When you want to have kids by, if any. Granted at this point, you probably should already have had even a brief discussion of it.
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u/MaxBax_LArch 9d ago
I gave my then-bf a deadline. We had looked at rings, talked about timing for several things that we'd be facing over the next few years. I told him that I wanted to be able to announce our engagement when we saw family at Thanksgiving. I told him this in September. We were engaged with weeks to spare. With the discussions we were having, you probably could've already considered us engaged - we were both very certain of the plans we were making. Him asking and me answering was a formality. But it's when I could start wearing the ring. I didn't feel like it was a shut up ring at all. It was what I knew we both wanted.
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u/HomegirlNC123 9d ago
I think you are doing the right thing with a 6 month lease, but he needs to be well aware of why that deadline is there.
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u/Relative-Net176 9d ago
You can stand firm in your boundary of only a 6 month lease without explicitly giving him an ultimatum. Just go for that lease agreement and if he doesn’t propose by the end, leave the relationship.
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u/Local-Dinosaur-7778 9d ago
You're in your early 30s, you've been dating for less than two years, living together for less than a year, and he is, apparently, clearly making moves, ring shopping, planning. From these details, I would imagine that his head is roughly where yours is, but maybe he needs just a little bit more time to sort out the logistics for a nice proposal, ring, etc. I would not give him a deadline. Even worst case scenario it's a six month lease, not even a year. It's not a situation where you're in your late 30s, you've been living together for five years, and he's talking about buying a house or having a child while repeatedly dodging the question of marriage.
For context I am a man thinking about what it looks like on the other side of this
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u/effervescentcryptid 9d ago
I think it’s a little too soon for this after only a year together. Why would you sign up to live with him for another 6 months but not any longer? Are you willing to fully end the relationship if he hasn’t proposed after 2 years together? If 2 years of dating with no ring is your hard boundary then that’s fine, but that isn’t a typical expectation so you need to have that conversation with him. It will feel like a deadline because that’s what it is. I think having a conversation with your partner about what you want and why is important, but consider his feelings too and where your relationship actually is rather than drawing a hard line in the sand.
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u/100garbage 8d ago
talking about timelines and expressing a need for engagement/marriage to happen in a reasonable amount of time does not make it a shut up ring.
a shut up ring is when a man either misses numerous deadlines or refuses to agree to a deadline over and over and finally gives his partner a ring with no intention of marrying
talk to him. tell him the timeline you would like for engagment. then he can say yes or provide what is, to you, a reasonable alternative timeline that you agree to. then you wait for him to meet it.
if he doesnt meet the timeline you two agreed to, you leave. that is how you avoid a shut up ring in this situation.
my now husband knew I wanted to be engaged before we moved in together. we ended up signing our lease about 4 months in advance of moving in. he proposed 2 weeks later- not at the last minute, not after trying to blow past the timeline we had agreed to.
a man who wants to marry you will be able to have a reasonable conversation about when it will happen
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u/Sloppypuppy42 8d ago
Ah. I gave my boyfriend now fiancé a propose by the end of the year as we are in our mid 30s and its been 4 years as of last Saturday and we have a child timeline and he proposed with a 30k ring. So. I often wonder if it was a shut up ring , but I asked why he did it he said he was just ready. Ive read other places and articles before that a man will do it in fact when they are just ready and trust me everything aligns when its your time ! You will know. We also proposed to each other. I had it planned for months ! 33f (me) 34m
End of story . Story short. We dated in 2022 . Moved in 2023 . Found out we were pregnant 2024 . Had our son 2024. Now engaged 2026 . Worked for me and I got the ring. I still dont think its a shut up ring being 30k natural diamonds.
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u/minimalist_coach 8d ago
Probably. Unfortunately, if you get the ring, you may always doubt the sincerity of the proposal.
I personally don't believe that proposals should happen without a lot of discussion in advance. Getting married is too important for 1 person to control the timeline.
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u/AdThis3702 8d ago
I would not renew the lease. Get separate places and you can talk about engagement.
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u/WingsAndWords_ 7d ago
I don't even know how to answer this. We've been married 29 years and we both knew what we wanted, and everything we did even when dating, was a step forward for our relationship and lives together. But we really communicated well even from the beginning when we learned we had a lot of the same wants and goals. I understand your side, but by his 30s he should know what he wants and be more clear about it as well. Both should have an understanding about where the relationship stands and where it is going, especially when you already live together.
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u/Waste_Transition_524 6d ago
What happens if you do get engaged in 6 months? Whats your timeline to make it down the aisle?
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u/zukafan 3d ago
I think you should just say that, that you will have to make plans to move out as signing another lease as an unmarried woman feels ridiculous to you. I think you should continue to make your own plans, even if he says you will get married. Have a backup plan for yourself and follow through
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u/kosvenom 1d ago
Less than 2 years together expecting a ring and giving ultimatum. You woman are crazy. That’s why man don't want to marry none of you.
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u/merveillemauve 9d ago
People are super conservative here haha. It really depends on the culture. I lived with my now husband for.. a year and a half ? before he popped the question. We got married almost 2 years later. I would never get engaged to someone I haven’t lived with for a little while. Sharing housework, dealing with stress for work, routine.. Imo it’s perfectly normal to want to experience that before a formal engagement. I guess religion and societal/family expectations gets in the way for many.
That being said, I think talking about the lease is too much. You seem to be on track we the timeline you’ve discussed. If you need to be reassured, you can talk with him again about your timeline and be sure you’re still on track. Don’t worry. I don’t see any redflags in anything you said.
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u/colicinogenic 8d ago
I am all for setting a deadline but this seems a little too sudden. If it's only for 6 months I think a more reasonable deadline would be by the end of the new lease. I told my fiance that I would not be a girlfriend for 3 years. I told him a bit before the two year mark so he would have a full year to make a decision. It took about a month and then he had made his decision. Once the decision was made and he had bought the ring, it took another apx month for the ring to be made, diamond set and the whole thing shipped. After that he had to plan th proposal. Conversation was had late October, very romantic proposal mid-March. A month is not enough time for him to make the decision, buy exactly the ring you want and plan a romantic proposal. 7 months is enough time. Let that be your deadline so he can do it right and you don't lose the romance. Do a 6-month lease. April is a better time to move and have a hot girl single summer than November and being alone and cold all winter
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u/Geeeeeezzzzzzz1 9d ago
He has no incentive to do anything- he’s got everything- already.
Give an ultimatum, you MUST act on it then… do not back out of it.
If you truly believe he will respect you and what you want.
You will know one way or another, my friend
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u/Weary-Babys 6d ago
For heaven’s sake. Why are so many grown adult women letting men drive the trains on their lives?
If you want to be married, propose. Buy a gift of some sort, get down on a knee, and ask him to marry you. He will say yes or no and you’ll have your answer. Why is it ok for men to ask for marriage when they feel ready, but women have to sit around and wait for the fairy godmother of proposals?
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 5d ago
Oh I have less than 0 interest in getting on one knee lol. More power to you if that’s your thing but ick for me.
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u/Weary-Babys 5d ago
Then you get to wait around and be at the mercy of his whims or you leave. My point is that you are a grown human and can take the reins of your own life rather than wait for your boyfriend to take action.
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u/kingpinkatya do you find yourself begging 4 love and understanding? 🏃🏽♀️💨 8d ago
You 2 have been dating for less than 2 years, did you convey to your partner that you were dating for marriage or only looking to get into a relationship where marriage was a shared end goal?
I'm curious as to why you feel that you are in "shut up ring" territory as it doesn't sound like you have had in depth conversations on marriage yet.
Have you 2 sat down and spoken about relationship goals, timelines, wants/needs? I'm getting the feeling that you haven't which is why you are focusing on the lease instead of what you want versus what he is offering/not offering. If you 2 are not aligned on marriage the lease will quickly become a different sort of issue.
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u/Mountain-Skirt8322 9d ago
If you are living with him, and you say something like “I’m going to stop living with you unless we’re married,” then there’s no way a ring can be free of shut-up-ness. If that bothers you, then move out now. Say something like “you’re special to me and I could see spending the rest of my life with you, but I think that moving in together was a mistake.” Once you are back on your own, put him out of your mind and start dating other people. You already know you would marry him, so you’ve got nothing more to gain by seeing him. I guess you’ll have to see him occasionally to give him an opportunity to propose.
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u/CescaTheG 9d ago
I like this advise alll the way up until start dating other people.
You don’t HAVE to do that if you want a life-long relationship with him. You can still be in the relationship with only him.But maybe think through how it would feel to genuinely take a step back on your side, like living separately again. To start creating the independence if you realise your timelines or goals aren’t aligned.
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u/husheveryone She used her words, he demanded a 3way 1st 🤯 9d ago edited 9d ago
🎯 This would be a logical way for OP to recover from her mistake of having violated ::her own personal value of not living with a man to whom she is not at least engaged:: It’s that simple. Most of the women wasting time need to stop betraying their own set of values, but I digress.
The biggest mistake women on this sub repeatedly make is continuing to live with someone who didn’t choose you. It only delays the time for your future husband to be able to find you if your boyfriend says no to marrying you.
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8d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Waiting_To_Wed-ModTeam 8d ago
This is a supportive space for those who are waiting & want to get married, and therefore a pro-marriage sub. Anti-marriage rhetoric, shaming, challenging marriage, or anything that can be construed as such, results in either a temp ban or permanent one, depending on severity of the offense. This also includes comments like “why don’t you just propose?” which aren’t helpful or what the OP is wanting.
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u/Bashful_Belle 9d ago
I think the smarter thing to do would be to move out. I’m sorry but moving in with a boyfriend in your 30s after less than a year together when you know you want a proposal/marriage soon sounds like hustling backwards
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9d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Waiting_To_Wed-ModTeam 8d ago
Be helpful, supportive, and cautionary as need be for the poster. Unhelpful or unnecessary comments get removed.
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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9257 9d ago
A shut up ring: "where's my ring?" Ask 10x times with partner dodging, changing the subject, making up excuses. Then finally saying "here's your dumb ring, stop asking."
Relationship negotiation: "It's really important to me to be engaged before X and married before Y. Are we on the same timeline? Let's talk."
If you cannot have the second convo like two adults, instead of it being like a mommy with a whiny preteen who is dodging chores, it won't feel great. But if you're ready for marriage, you both should be at that point. And you can say to him "I'm concerned that you're dodging a conversation we should be having as equal partners. We need to be on the same page. Right?"
This sub uses "shut up ring" pretty loosely at times. You need to be able to talk timelines and expectations without guilt or fear.
It's when you feel like you're begging a wall to act that you've reached the bad place.