r/Waiting_To_Wed • u/Hour-Shine-7205 • 7d ago
Looking For Advice How do I talk about getting engaged without making my boyfriend feel pressured to propose? (33M) & (28F)
My boyfriend (33M) and I (28F) are coming up on our third anniversary next month. I love him and want to spend my life with him. He’s been open about seeing a future with me and wanting to propose, but we haven’t talked about when.
This year has been rough. We’ve dealt with job loss and a death in the family, so I understand that things may not have gone how he originally planned. We’re still strong and happy together. We live together, have traveled abroad, and met each other’s families early on. We talk about having kids and growing old together, so getting engaged feels like a natural next step to me.
I’m hoping he proposes around our anniversary, but he hasn’t said that he will. There haven’t been any obvious hints, like asking about my ring size or what I like. He offered to pay for a manicure and pedicure at one point, but that fell through after some car issues last month. I know a lack of hints doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but I’ve been wondering...
Our lease is also up in a few months, and I’m hesitant to sign another yearlong lease without knowing where we’re headed. I’m worried about staying in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere. I don’t want to spend years hoping for a commitment that never comes. Hearing that he wants to marry me is reassuring, but eventually, I need that to turn into action.
I’ve told him that I want kids by 32 and that I want to be married before having them. He’s also been very clear that he wants kids and a family. I feel like almost three years is a reasonable amount of time to know whether you want to marry someone.
He was engaged once before, about a decade ago, and they got engaged after a year. I try not to compare, but sometimes that does get in my head.
There’s also the ring. I’m worried he may still have his ex’s engagement ring and might use it to propose to me. I don’t know if he’s actually planning that, but it would really hurt to be given a ring he picked out for someone else. It’s not about wanting something expensive. I’d just want it to be something he chose for me. How do I bring that up naturally without assuming he’s about to propose?
As for the timeline, would it be reasonable to leave if we’re still not engaged a few months after our anniversary? I love him, but I don’t want to keep putting my own plans on hold indefinitely.
But the last thing I want is to tell him all this and have him propose right afterward because he feels obligated or is afraid I’ll leave. I want him to want to marry me on his own. At the same time, I know he can’t read my mind, and avoiding the conversation isn’t helping either.
How would you handle this? I’d appreciate different perspectives, especially from men who have been in a similar situation.
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u/BunchitaBonita Started dating: 2014 . Engaged 2015. Married 2016. 7d ago
You talk about it like you talk about any other decision that impacts both your futures, like where you want to live, how many kids you want to have etc. Communication is the foundation of any good relationship. The lease being up is good timing. Tell him the truth, that you're hesitant to sign. Tell him you want his commitment in the form of an engagement before you commit to the lease. Its a perfectly reasonable ask, after 3 years together and him in his 30s.
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u/Confident-Pretty 7d ago
Open communication is everything here waiting around out of fear of pressuring hi only leads to resentment especially with the lease coming up
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u/Haunting-Ebb-7111 7d ago
Sweet jeezus. I am in a mood today. You sit down and say, “we need to have a serious conversation. I want xyz in a long term relationship. It’s been nearly three years. Our lease is coming up for renewal. I am not going to renew with you unless it is clear that we want the same things and can make that commitment to each other. That commitment comes in the publicly verbal and an outward physical symbol that your intentions are to one day marry me and start a family (or whatever you want). After this amount of time, you know if I am the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you are still unsure, then we need to let each other walk away so that I can look for my person who will be sure about me.
If you aren’t doing it because it isn’t the perfect time. Guess what, it will never be the perfect time. There is no such thing. This is life.
Then he knows. Nothing wishy washy. And, he has a choice to make. The ball is in his court. When the lease renewal comes around and nothing has been done, go get your own place.
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u/stardustpurple 7d ago
This, exactly.
And there’s no such a thing as “pressuring to propose”. Either he wants to marry the OP and then he’ll be happy to hear she wants to marry him too - or he doesn’t want to marry her and it’s in her best interests to not waste any more time with him and part ways.
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u/glutenisnotmyfriend 7d ago
Tell him you need to talk to him about engagement and marriage timelines. Explain that you're ready to get married and see how he reacts. I would also straight up tell him that when he proposes, provided this is still what he wants, that he chooses a new ring for you because you don't want to wear a ring that was meant for someone else. I don't think that's an unreasonable ask. Personally, I wouldn't mind if a diamond from that ring was repurposed but that may not be for you.
All this said, you need to make sure it's the marriage you're after, not the production of a proposal and a wedding. Also, the act of proposing/day of can be a surprise, but the fact it's coming should not be.
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u/MagicalKitteenn 7d ago
I think the important thing is to have an honest conversation about timeline without making the proposal itself an ultimatum. You can want to marry someone and still need to know that you’re both working toward the same future. And I don’t think asking for a ring chosen specifically for you is unreasonable either. The proposal can be surprise without the decision to get married being a surprise. You deserve clarity rather than having to keep guessing.
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u/ItJustWontDo242 7d ago
If you can't have these hard conversations with him, then you aren't ready for marriage.
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u/VioletEarendil 7d ago
“He’s been open about seeing a future with me and wanting to propose, but we haven’t talked about when.”
After three years together, that’s how he sees himself in the relationship with you? Just open to having a future with you? Seems like a red flag to me.
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u/Expensive_Fix8277 7d ago
💯 underrated comment
This "open to" caught my eyes too. I think it's all just words for him and he's not taking her or the relationship seriously. He's just bla-bla. He's here for the convenience of a relationship, splitting the bills etc
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u/Glittering-Vibes1267 7d ago
I think she’s saying that he’s openly communicated about the future, not that he’s “I guess I’m open to a future”
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u/VioletEarendil 6d ago edited 6d ago
True, what you’re saying makes sense as well. I saw it the other way before you stated it. I guess it depends on how it reads in your head 😅. Still, after you've been together this long, being open to talking about the future without bringing up a timeline still sucks.
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u/Whitehouses_ 7d ago
I’m a 50 yo very happily married woman, and I’m sorry to say this because it might sound more rude than I want it to, but you have no business wanting to marry a man you cannot openly and equally and comfortably communicate with.
I wish to goodness that women would realise that a proposal is not and should not be a one-sided thing. Why the hell so many women put their whole lives and futures on hold waiting and hoping for their partner to decide whether or not they’re going to propose is beyond me.
In no other part of your life would you do this. You’re effectively handing your whole potential future to someone else, and hoping that they will deign to want you, marry you, want kids with you etc.. It’s madness.
When I was in my mid-30s, after being with my boyfriend for around 10 years and living together for around 5, we had a discussion about our future. We were both very clear about what we wanted, and we agreed to a timeline that made us both happy.
Although he technically proposed to me, it was very much a mutual decision. This nonsense about secretly hoping for a proposal from a man, while having no real clue about his plans or even his timeline or opinion is so crazy. Think of yourself. Prioritise yourself. Prioritise your partnership together.,
What do you want? That is the most important thjng. My husband is my best friend. We discuss everything because we’re a team. All our decisions are entirely mutual, and I know that’s why we’re still together.
Talk to him. You’re not forcing him into proposing just because you want to know where you stand. That’s silly. And no basis at all for marriage.
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u/I-Love-Country-Life 7d ago
This is one of the best responses I’ve read in this subreddit.
Men can’t read our minds, nor do we want them to. Communication is vital throughout the ENTIRE relationship. If a woman can discuss leases and other mundane things that go with living together, they should be able to discuss what they see in their future, either with the current partner, or a future partner.
OP, you’ve got this! Have the serious conversation with your man, and update us.
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u/whatsmypassword73 7d ago
If you can’t trust him to have a productive discussion about your future, he’s just wasting your time. So be specific and tell him everything you said. If he’s your person, he won’t feel pressure. He’s 33, he’s in or he’s out at this stage. Don’t waste more of your time, waiting for something from someone that just might like how easy you make his life.
Edited to add ask about that ring and tell him you don’t want someone else’s ring.
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u/Becants 7d ago
You need to have a timeline conversation. It’s daunting but you’ll have to be brave and bring it up. You can’t dump someone without communicating your wants and needs.
I do think 3 years is a long enough time to know if you want to be married. You don’t have to make him defensive. Just ask what his timeline is and tell him yours
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u/Hour-Shine-7205 7d ago
Thank you. I’m really inexperienced with this, and what you said about communicating my wants and needs before considering a breakup really hit me... I hadn’t thought about it that way. I was worried that telling him my expectations would lead him to propose just to keep me happy and I wanted to know it was something he wanted for himself too. He has been moving at my own pace, as I move slower in a relationship. But I’m realizing I still need to communicate what I want instead of just expecting him to know.
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u/Intelligent_rose12 7d ago
OP there is a common mistaken theme among women about carefully, delicately bringing up the engagement conversation but in my honest experience all the women I know in happy marriages were very forward and upfront with their partners!
Make it clear to him that you are not going to be signing another lease until you have a clear timeline as to when you two will be engaged.
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u/Golden_Leader 7d ago
Yup, happened to my parents too. They were both pretty straightforward (my mum especially) about wanting kids and being married before it happened. The proposal was a surprise as in, the day was a surprise, but my mum knew about the timeline and they bought the ring together. They are still happily married 35 years later (and both me and my brother grew up with parents who wanted and loved us!)
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u/EtonRd 7d ago
If you’re thinking about your boyfriend, being pressured to propose, you’re already way way off track.
Two people need to make a decision about whether or not they want to spend their lives together, and whether or not that means marriage for them. That’s the discussion you and your boyfriend need to have. It’s not about pressure. It’s about both people in the relationship being honest about where they think the relationship is now and where they wanted to go in the future.
Don’t think about the ring. Don’t think about the proposal. Don’t hint about it.
Talk about it openly. Have the hard discussion. Tell him that you love him, and you’re ready to commit to him for the rest of your life and you’d like to be married to him in the next year. Ask him if he wants to be married to you within the next year.
Stop thinking about it as waiting for him to decide something. And tell him where you’re thinking is about this relationship. That you are ready to marry him. You need to know if he’s ready to marry you.
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 7d ago
Have a conversation and ask him directly about a timeline for a proposal and a wedding. These things just don't happen. Plans have to be made, and money has to be saved (unless you plan to elope). It's your life too. You get to make concrete plans for it.
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u/therealzacchai 7d ago
Don't sign a new lease without the commitment you want.
This isn't about a ring. It's about making a working plan for your life. You have the right to a clear answer as to whether this man will be a part of that life.
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u/WaluigisTennisBalls 7d ago
Before hoping that he will propose you need to have an explicit conversation about how you both see the future of your relationship. Find out what his imagined future timeline is, tell g other what is important to both of you about getting engaged and getting married.
I don't understand why people don't propose to their partners instead of waiting, but it should definitely not be something you're unsure if he's going to do
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u/Open_Trouble_6005 7d ago
I am surprised that at your boyfriends age of 33 that you would need to have this conversation with him. How do people in relationships go 3 years without having a roadmap of where they are going?
So I guess you will have to bring up the subject and using the”lease is up” issue is a good way to get started. Best of luck, I hope he is receptive of your idea to get married!
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u/GnomieOk4136 Marry someone excited to be with you. Happily married 15 years. 7d ago
Use paragraph 4. Just tell him those things directly. "Our lease is up in a few months, and I do not want to sign another lease without knowing where we are headed. I don't want to spend years hoping for a commitment that never comes. Hearing that you want to marry me is reassuring, but eventually, I need that to turn into action. What sort of timeline are you thinking about for marriage?"
Yes, if he hasn't proposed within a month after the anniversary, I would leave. Three years is more than enough time to know.
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u/jax_in_the_lake 7d ago
Men over 30 know within six months and no death or illness will prevent them from proposing.
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u/jednorog 7d ago
I don't think this is universally true and I don't think OP would benefit from making this assumption of her partner.
I think OP should talk to her specific male partner instead of making blanket assumptions about men in general.
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u/jednorog 7d ago
Look, the only advice that this subreddit gives that regularly actually solves people's problems is this: talk to the person you want to marry.
We talk about having kids and growing old together, so getting engaged feels like a natural next step to me.
You've already demonstrated that you two can have serious conversations about important topics. The question of when, precisely, you will get engaged and married is just another one of those important topics. Treat it as seriously as you treated the other topics. Talk to the person you want to marry.
I’m hoping he proposes around our anniversary, but he hasn’t said that he will.
If it's important to you that he propose on or around this date, you need to tell him that asap. Depending on what he thinks and what you think is important for a proposal (e.g. ring must look like x, proposal must take place in scenic location y), it might already be too late for him to meet this target. But maybe not! The only way to give him a chance to meet your needs is to express those needs. Talk to the person you want to marry.
As for the timeline, would it be reasonable to leave if we’re still not engaged a few months after our anniversary?
It's reasonable for you to leave whenever you feel like it. I think leaving based on a lack of proposal when you refuse to talk about a proposal is a bad idea, but if that's really what you want to do, then I suppose it's reasonable and you can do it anytime you want. Before you do that, though, I strongly recommend that you talk to the person you want to marry.
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u/Brains4Beauty 7d ago
Just “hoping” is not going to do it. Unless you’ve talked about it it’s likely not going to happen then
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7d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Waiting_To_Wed-ModTeam 7d ago
We don’t permit sexist trash. OP is a human, not an object.
This is a warning. The next infraction will be a permanent ban.
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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9257 6d ago
Does he need therapy to get over his ex? It is not fair to hold you accountable for actions she took.
Try this: "I see us together for the long haul and would love to be engaged soon. What do you think?"
If he agrees, you say "Can we shop for rings? I'd love to do that together." See what he says.
If you need to communicate with him about not recycling rings, send in friends or family to give that message. Seriously. A sister will likely be very willing to say "you better not recycle a ring buddy"
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u/leahmat 7d ago
You've been together for 3 years. There is no pressure. I must say, I went the the death of my mother when I was 27, new jobs and needless to say, we got engaged and married basically within a year of all that. You asking isn't putting pressure on him. You need to be honest and assertive (not mean about it) - your boundaries have to be respected. While his failed engagement is unfortunate, you deserve security and someone how makes it known that they only want you (also wtf, his ex engagement ring.... Sis come on). You're selling yourself short here, tbh. He sounds like the guy who will say "we're reading the same book but in different chapters". If this was me, i would have the conversation and if it isn't solidofying any positive growth, I'd leave. Don't renew the lease, start moving on. We've all unfortunately seen this time and time again.
One last thing - would you want a friend, sister, or daughter treated this way?
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u/BxGyrl416 7d ago
It sounds like there’s no communication here. None of these things should be a surprise or a guessing game. Plus, he can say that he wants to get married and have a family, but unless he’s proposing to you, those are just words. Three years is more than enough time to know whether you want to commit to somebody.
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u/Superb_Duck3353 7d ago
The issue isn’t your age. It’s his. 3 years at 33, he is not mature enough or you’re not for him. Put him to the test and tell him what you want.
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u/AdThis3702 7d ago
Go find your own apartment and bring up that you would like to be engaged by the next anniversary. 3 years.
Watch his reaction. If unsatisfactory, move on.
He already knows if he wants to marry you.
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u/mimosadanger 6d ago
I think it’s completely normal to say what you wrote here - that you’re not comfortable signing a new lease without a ring on your finger or a clear timeline. If he starts to argue then you have your answer.
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u/True_Wrangler_5027 6d ago
Candid advice: if you want to ask him if he has the engagement ring from his ex and marriage talk, ask him when he seems to be relaxed.. if he’s busy, he might not give you the answer you’re looking for. Also, will you be comfortable staying with a man for another year even when you’re not sure about your future with him?. Just think about it
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u/Wisegirl12345 5d ago
I think the lease coming up in a few months is the perfect opportunity to bring up future plans. Let him know that you would feel more comfortable signing a year-long lease if you felt that you would be engaged soon. Signing the lease makes you nervous if he doesn't plan to propose. Just see how he reacts to that.
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u/HovercraftSudden4314 4d ago
Sandwich method. First something good then bad then good.
Remember men are action oriented. They are takers. They are conditioned they have to forge what they want from this world. If he is not taking ACTION to marry you that means the thought of marrying you is not exciting to him.
Ex: I could look at your face forever. Thank for being here for me blah blah. I want to be with you forever. Wanna start building dream life together. Should we renew our current lease? Okay how long we gonna rent till we buy a home? Kids? Bring up some ideas you’ve had in your own for you like “I’ve always liked the idea of living in California” or “I’ve always wanted to be near some hills” or something.
Just ask him questions about building a real future. Don’t bring up marriage at all.
Observe.
Give yourself a week before bringing up the topic again.
If he NEVER bring up marriage on his own it’s not his mind. He may think he wants to marry you. He may want to convince himself he WANTS to marry you since he feels like he should. But if he never brings it up on your 3 year anniversary it’s not on his mind.
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u/husheveryone She used her words, he demanded a 3way 1st 🤯 7d ago edited 7d ago
INFO: Are you ::genuinely:: worried about receiving his ex’s former ring from a decade ago that you’ve never laid eyes upon?? 😳 Seriously, is that in this man’s character to do, or are you maybe catastrophizing? Common sense suggests he probably sold it ages ago if he’s ever been strapped for cash in the last decade like a lot of folks his age, but I digress.
Thing is, your 33M hasn’t even asked for your ring size, nor has he made any type of engagement-ish plans beyond some IDLE TALK WITH ZERO ACTION, at all, after 3 years and living together. So at this point you’re not even realistically on track to even get his ex’s vaunted recycled ring that’s, again, likely long gone by now. And you’re too timid to speak up about your concerns?? Come on. Stop being a Placeholder who won’t at least speak up now about your lease renewal. He’d be happy to keep you as a forever girlfriend for as long as you’ll continue to allow it.
Make your intentions known, and find out now so you can stop wasting time in a lease where your future husband cannot find you.
Relatedly, a 32F in your shoes with a looming joint lease renewal deadline asked a very similar question here on this sub just the other day. That OP was worried about hypothetically getting a shut up ring, and acknowledged she had violated her own personal standard by moving in with a boyfriend who hasn’t asked to be her fiancé yet. She got some good answers that also apply to your situation. She seems like she’s prepared to leave though, whereas you seem like you’re willing to waste a few more years on hope if he says the right stuff…
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u/Top_Sort_1534 7d ago
If you want children within the next 3-5 years, you need him to make a commitment. He knows, after 3 YEARS, if he wants to marry you. It does not take that long.
A manicure and pedicure will not pay for you bypassing your future children.
Unfortunately, now that you tell us that he’s done this before when he was 23 could be a bad sign. He could be doing this to another poor girl when he’s 40.
Don’t let it be you.
And do not accept a “shut-up” ring. You need a date AND reservations, or at least a courthouse date.
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u/BlueyIsAwesome 6d ago
Getting engaged should be multiple honest conversations. A proposal story can be a surprise or not
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u/puffballkittyfluff 5d ago
The thing about me is I’m not afraid to scare a guy off. I am just going to voice my wants and if that scares them off then it’s who I am that they’re scared of. I was very clear with my husband how soon I wanted to be engaged and I also told him I wanted to design my own ring so that he doesn’t pick out something ugly. My husband is a little scared of me and that’s what most guys want
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u/Nononsense247 5d ago
In a successful marriage communication is key. Sit down with him and tell him how you feel. It’s not like you are teenagers. Don’t wait around for him if he is not “ready”
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u/Itarandwulf_ 5d ago
Just bring up the conversation. If he’s really meant to be your husband, he will not run away from the conversation. If he does, he wasn’t the right one.
A man who actually wants to marry you will not freak out when you talk about getting married. We act like marriage is some huge secret. It’s not.
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u/Nice-Organization338 4d ago edited 3d ago
Your post is a little vague in some ways. Who lost their job? If it was him, I wouldn’t expect a proposal. I think most guys want to feel stable and that they have the financial security and a hopeful future before they propose. Don’t worry about the ring at all if he isn’t even working.
I am a Female over 40 FYI.
I am glad you are thinking about your lease situation. He probably likes things the way they are.
I’m not sure you should have told him what age you wanted to be (32 ) at the oldest, when you start trying to have kids. Because now he thinks he has 4 years to propose.
This is a good time for you to evaluate if he is the right person for you. Is he taking too long to find a job? Do you feel like he is not mature enough or stable enough, to be a good husband?
In other words, I feel you have shot yourself in the foot a bit by moving in with him before marriage. without a marriage timeline, and also by bringing up that you’re OK with waiting to have a baby until 32. That’s on you. You probably won’t do that again. Live and learn. Also, him being engaged before means nothing at this point, so don’t even think about that or make any comparisons. 10 years is a really long time. Try to keep yourself busy and work on all your goals so he doesn’t feel like he’s being overly focused on about it. After all, you have a lot of options and you’re younger than him.
If One of you is still unemployed, I see that as putting the relationship in limbo somewhat. Neither one of you is going to be in a position to move out and find a new place if you leave the other one hanging and being unemployed supporting themselves.
If both of your employments have stabilized, then you have an opportunity and could state ASAP, that you’re not comfortable signing a new lease, with the way things are with your relationship, and leave it at that. You can mention that you would love to get engaged for maybe a year and would enjoy planning your future with him, but if he doesn’t want that, then you need to know. Just being honest and transparent on your end might help him do the same. If it causes an argument or any hostility, be willing to sleep on the couch. You don’t have to keep sleeping in the same bed, or have sex with someone who isn’t sure they want you long-term after 2 years, or is not able to communicate or be honest.
Start looking for a fabulous new place and just shrug it off, that you don’t want the same things, apparently. Be confident, know that you are a catch and somebody will appreciate that if he doesn’t. That way, you’re not looking for him to increase your financial stability (if you are unemployed ) or putting pressure on him to propose.
You’re simply being true to yourself. “Maybe moving in together was a mistake” and you need to just go back to just casually dating him or being friends, if he still wants to take his time and be indefinitely casual after 2 years. Why tie yourself down with him if he isn’t sure that you’re the right person for him long-term? This is especially true if you have lived together over 2 years. That’s a long time for him to be taking you off the market. Way Too long if he’s not serious.
You know that you can’t make a man want to propose. So you will find out, either he will step up and let you feel secure that he appreciates you long-term, or he will let it fade out / make excuses / make promises without action backing them up, and risk losing you. You might as well find out now. Do not settle for being strung along, you have too much value — that does not feel right. Next time you don’t need to move in or give them more than a year to figure it out. Believe his actions, and also take actions of your own. Right now.
It’s ok to want marriage and not just living with him indefinitely.
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u/Mountain-Skirt8322 7d ago
You wrote that getting engaged feels like a natural next step to you, but it may not feel that way to him. Now, he has everything he wants. Getting engaged and married is a hassle and will make it more difficult for him to move on from you if he eventually wants to do that. For him, the cons may outweigh the pros.
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u/Moonster68speaks 7d ago
3 years and no talk about marriage? Just ask him how he sees your relationship in the future? What kind of home do you want to want us to create? Tell him that you are pro marriage.
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u/AuriannaG 7d ago
Do not move in with him before engagement. When your lease ends, if he hasn’t proposed, you know where you stand.
Don’t nag or talk to him which puts pressure. He is brown and will put it together, if not, he’s too stupid for you
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u/jednorog 7d ago
I think OP would benefit from speaking directly to her partner about her hopes and dreams and fears, and I'm confused about your advice to not communicate within the relationship.
In general, do you think relationships are stronger when both partners are open about their hopes and dreams and fears, or when they are closed off about them and keep their expectations of each other secret?
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u/AuriannaG 4d ago
I did not say don’t talk to him. I said do not nag. If marriage is all she can talk about around him he will get tired of hearing it and feel pressured.
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7d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Waiting_To_Wed-ModTeam 7d ago
This is a supportive space for those who are waiting & want to get married, and therefore a pro-marriage sub. Anti-marriage rhetoric, shaming, challenging marriage, or anything that can be construed as such, results in either a temp ban or permanent one, depending on severity of the offense. This also includes comments like “why don’t you just propose?” which aren’t helpful or what the OP is wanting.
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u/Acrobatic-Care1236 7d ago
Tell him that marriage is important to you and ask him if is something that is important to him too 🤷♀️ tell him you would like to be married in the next couple years and ask if he would like to be included in this plan
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u/Apprehensive_Rain500 7d ago
Do you normally hesitate to talk with him about your wants and needs?
You're both adults, just ask him. "Hey, I'd like to get married, how about you?" See what he says, talk about timelines. Talking about it won't feel like pressure to someone who wants to get married, so you might as well talk about it now and get an answer either way.
He got engaged to his ex but they didn't get married? What happened? And why would he still have a ring from ten years ago, let alone reuse it on you? The fact you even consider this a possibility is striking.