r/Waiting_To_Wed • u/Active_Judge102 • 2d ago
Discussion/Asking For Experiences Marriage ?
I 29/F have been with my boyfriend 30/M for over a decade and we have 3 children. We have discussed getting married for several years and he always says “after baby number 1 we’ll get married” then “after baby number 2” we’ll get married - you get the picture. Now we’re in so deep and he’s now taken back the promise of us getting married. I’m pissed because marriage is something I’ve always wanted and dreamed of! I really do love him, so marriage shouldn’t mean as much to me as still spending the rest of our lives together right?? I’m just pissed off because I kept my word to have our children, and I adore them so much they’re my external heartbeats, I just wish they weren’t conceived under false pretences. I don’t even have the same surname as them, it feels like we’re a false/fake family just because we’re all together but we don’t have the same surname (kids have his name)
Am I being too sensitive about marriage being off the table now, or am I validated in feeling like I’ve been lied to this entire time?
For the record, I know the majority of women will say “leave and find your husband” or “don’t let your boyfriend stop you from finding your husband” but I really can’t see myself loving someone else and even then, I never wanted to be a woman that had children with 2 different men based on how I grew up. I never wanted the same for my children, so a lot is weighing on my mind about this.
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u/MarsupialMaven 1d ago
You gave him all the things, including kids with no marriage. Why would he want to marry you now? Go see a lawyer arrange child support and stop playing wife with this man. Find out if you can change the kid’s last name back to yours. You are now his baby mama. You are fooling yourself. This wonderful BF you think is so great has been lying to you for years. You are with a serial liar.
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u/Haunting-Ebb-7111 1d ago
You need to protect your children and yourself financially and legally. Set up a time, go down to the courthouse, get married. You’ve missed the plot on how this should have gone…so you do this, or you pay a lawyer money to get you contractual agreements to protect you and the kids and maintain your rights as a partner.
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u/CZ1988_ 1d ago edited 1d ago
And if he says no courthouse / registars office and she has no job? I feel like everyone agrees he's a liar but she's put her financial future and her kids future in peril.
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u/SystematicDragons 1d ago
She should be able to get a consult with a lawyer to find out what, if any, rights she has based on where she lives and what her best plan of action is. It's already a real mess, but the longer they live like this, the harder it will be to untangle if they break up or one dies without the other having the rights that a surviving spouse enjoys. If he won't even do a courthouse marriage for the sake of protecting their family that tells her everything she needs to know.
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u/CZ1988_ 1d ago
A lawyer will tell her she has no rights. Even in the UK. Australia is different.
There's nothing to untangle if her name are not on any assets. It's already a mess. The only thing that gets worse with time is her lack of assets and lost earning power.
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u/SystematicDragons 1d ago
Oh, didn't realize she was in the UK... in some states in the US she might qualify for certain things via common law marriage, but even that might be a stretch. She doesn’t say what her name isn't on and on, but that's a really good question and point.
Man. I really feel for OP. Lot of not great decisions in retrospect, but you should be able to trust what your partner tells you the way she did...
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u/PresentHouse9774 1d ago
Even in the US states that allow common law marriage, one of the requirements is that the couple hold themselves out to the community as married. That requires buy-in from both members of the couple. OP doesn't have that.
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u/LionessStephanie 1d ago
If she's in the UK. She just has to wait a bit. The government is going to roll out common law marriages soon.
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u/heebit_the_jeeb 18h ago
Her partner would have to willingly enter common maw marriage, and it doesn't sound like he's go for it
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u/LionessStephanie 7h ago
Nothing like willingly. According to the proposal. Living 3 years and having a child makes it automatic.
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u/This-Company836 1d ago
Are you in the U.S.? Check into social security rules. If he passes before you, you may not be entitled to spousal benefits and his retirement benefits. Do you own a home together? His next of kin will get his share. Hopefully that would at least go to his/your children. Really, talk to a lawyer to clarify differences between benefits for a GF vs. a spouse if he passes unexpectedly.
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u/stroppo 1d ago
Well, your BF clearly doesn't care about your feelings, because he apparently can lie to you without even thinking about it. If you want to throw your life away on such a man, that's your decision. Just don't complain about it later.
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u/Neweleni7 1d ago
How much you want to bet everything is in his name alone?
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u/pineappleshampoo 1d ago edited 14h ago
When I got to the part where she gave the kids his surname I rolled my literal eyes.
Grow a baby for nine long months, go through the horrors of childbirth, and then give your child the name of a boyfriend that doesn’t even want to commit?
If I wasn’t married when I had my child they’d have had my surname, and if my partner wanted to share a name with their child then there’s a simple way to achieve that: get married and take my name.
Some women just can’t be told, they’ll never learn.
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u/dmbeeez 1d ago
He's got a homemaker and kids. No reason now for him to bother to get married
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u/gfasmr 1d ago
And on top of that, he doesn’t even have to bother treating her with respect; he can treat her like garbage and she still says, “Don’t tell me to leave him, I can’t leave him, I can’t imagine myself ever loving someone else”
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u/HopefulOriginal5578 23h ago
Can’t even love themselves at the very least.
I feel for those in OPs situation but you simply don’t compromise with all this “for love.” Love is basically the minimum you need in a partnership. It’s is what opens the door. It isn’t the ONLY thing by any means. Sigh
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u/koolA-9486 1d ago
So, you have three children with a selfish liar, and you can’t imagine loving anyone else? Girl, your standards are way too low. You should be able to trust your partner, and yours is a world-class manipulator—why would you even want to remain his girlfriend?
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u/YMMV-But 1d ago
Why would leaving him mean you would have children with two different men? You don’t have to have more kids just because you’re with someone else.
It’s clear to him and to people reading this that marriage is NOT important to you. If it was important to you, you wouldn’t be 3 kids deep with someone who has told you that he’s not marrying you. If marriage was important to you, you would leave this guy because he has lied about marriage to you for years. Now he has all the kids he wants, so he has no reason to bother lying to you.
The big differences between marriage & not are property rights and other legal rights. My bet is that he has a job & you stay home with the kids. If you were married, you would have a claim to the income & assets he acquires during the marriage. Unmarried, all of that belongs to him & you have no right to any of it.
My advice to you is to talk to a lawyer. Find out what you would get in child support if you took the kids and left. Then start working on that.
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u/Real-Frosting 1d ago
That ^ I was wondering why she thought she'd have kids with different fathers, too, if she left him.
And BTW, when I spoke to a lawyer and found out what my ex-husband would have to pay for child support, I was gone. I wasn't sure I could support myself and our two kids with the tiny amount I thought he'd have to pay so I'm glad I found out it was enough for me to leave.
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u/Intelligent_rose12 18h ago
Exactly! OP is in for a harsh awakening if he ever leaves her for another woman!
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u/Jumping-shadow 1d ago
Did he promised to marry you after baby no 1? Then he didnt.Then he promised to marry you after baby number 2. And he didnt.Then he said he will marry you after baby no. 3. And he didnt. Then he said he wont marry at all. So, what do you think? He lied?
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u/TiredofBSRoommate 1d ago
You cant see yourself loving someone else? Girl love yourself and leave this guy. He clearly doesn't love you. You're a baby maker to him, why would he marry you when hes already got what he wanted? You gave him the kids he wanted despite his broken promises. If he wanted to marry you, he would have. But hes shown you time and time again he doesn't want to. He will never marry you.
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u/Frosty_Message_3017 1d ago
I can't believe you believed him when he said he wanted you to have a kid with him and then he'd marry you.
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u/hiredditihateyou 1d ago
Without even being ENGAGED!
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u/Frosty_Message_3017 1d ago
And that it worked more than once 😶
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u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 Married 5 years 1d ago
🤦🏿♀️🤣 imagine! 3 times! This was a choice on op's part
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u/MotherGeologist5502 1d ago
I don’t know if I could stay in the same house with someone who lied and manipulated me that way.
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u/Grumpy_Goblin_Zombie 1d ago
I ask this question repeatedly in this sub, without ever a decent answer: why don't your children have the same surname as you? That's all on you. You did all the hard work of pregnancy and birth and the aftermath. You alone chose the surname of your child. Why did you not give them yours?
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u/jkraige 1d ago
My husband and I just had our first baby. She has my last name. It used to be that if the parents weren't married the baby got mom's name. I really don't know why women stopped doing that, or frankly why giving dad's last name was ever the default to begin with, but it seems to cause a lot of resentment.
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u/pineappleshampoo 1d ago
Exactly. Babies get dad’s name when it’s also mum’s name.
I can’t actually believe people that go through pregnancy and childbirth and then choose to have their baby have a totally different name to their own. Wild.
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u/Grumpy_Goblin_Zombie 1d ago
I don't get choosing to change your surname to a man's name at all, regardless of children. It's very old-fashioned. But when there are children the woman does all the hard work so children should definitely carry her name.
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u/Present_Ebb_9469 1d ago
But also....who cares? I would never take my husband last name, so my kids will likely have his and not mine. Never once have I thought that as a problem.
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u/Grumpy_Goblin_Zombie 1d ago
Well that's entirely your choice. I'm just interested why would you want to be pregnant and give birth to a child that doesn't carry your name, after you did all the hard work?
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u/Present_Ebb_9469 1d ago
Because I wouldn't see my kids as a "gold star" because I gave birth to them. it's his kid too. And if I could I would hire a surrogate tbh. If he cares about his kid having his last name sure have it. I just know for a fact I am not changing my last name.
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u/HopefulOriginal5578 23h ago
I kept my last name but my son has my husbands last name.
I mean I could change my last name but I like my last name. It’s not a big deal to me personally. But then again we are married… I just choose to keep my maiden name.
Maybe I am weird. Just isn’t a big deal to me.
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u/Playful-Sundae-9686 1d ago
Did you tell him that you are angry that you kept your part of the bargain (children) but he did not (marriage)? What exactly does he say when you tell him that? What are the exact reasons he gives you as to why he won't marry you? It's generally a bad idea to buy a home or have children with someone that you are not married to.
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1d ago
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u/HopefulOriginal5578 23h ago
He will ABSOLUTELY get married to the next one if he can find one stupid enough to take on the childcare and all that mess. These men fall in love REAL fast when they are staring down the barrel of shared custody
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u/Waiting_To_Wed-ModTeam 18h ago
Be helpful, supportive, and cautionary as need be for the poster. Unhelpful or unnecessary comments get removed.
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u/tearsinmypocket 21h ago
I just wish they weren't conceived under false pretences
yeah the first one was. the other two were a choice
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 1d ago
What makes you think that a man who lied to you about marriage (multiple times) to manipulate you into risking my your health to bear his children will spend the rest of his life with you? Even if he said so, he's proven that you can't believe him.
You're a mother, so your children are your priority. You're teaching your sons how to treat women and your daughters what sort of behavior to expect from men. If those aren't the lessons you want to teach them, create an exit plan and move on.
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u/DAWG13610 1d ago
Why do you tolerate such disrespect? He treats you like trash and you say thank you sir may I have another. When do you get to set the boundaries? You have a man who has no respect for you and you rationalize why you stay. That’s really fucked up. Just saying.
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u/CautiousConfidence8 Married in 2022 1d ago
Did you ask him why he didn't keep his promises about marriage? Because if your BF is just lying to you, I'd find a lot of issues with that.
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u/CZ1988_ 1d ago edited 1d ago
Unless you are independently wealthy you have much bigger problems than determining if you are sensitive or validated.
Marriage is a life strategy. It's a legal construct to make your spouse your next of kin.
What is your strategy for your financial future if you have no good job and he leaves?
Make him pay for childcare while you go work and start contributing towards your own 401K and social security.
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u/Assia_Penryn 1d ago
You say you can't see yourself loving someone else... he clearly doesn't feel the same way.
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u/0rsch0 23h ago
Why did you keep believing him when he changed his mind after the first baby? And then after the second he said jokes you you, I meant third? And you said “Bet!”. Or what?
And you’ve already said you won’t leave him so I guess surprise this is the family now. I think maybe you’re not in America meaning you likely have more protections than you would have here but make sure that’s true.
And finally I guess hope he doesn’t want marriage anymore (vs he explicitly doesn’t want to marry you and being a single mom is in your future when he meets his actual wife).
It’s so depressing. Watching someone whittle their dreams down in one paragraph.
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u/nothishomeland 1d ago
Then you will remain unmarried. You cannot force or convince the man to marry you if he doesn’t want to. If you’re not willing to leave him, then you need to accept marriage is not in your future.
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u/Negative_Till3888 1d ago
I’m not gonna say the typical thing you think I’m gonna say. I’m just gonna say you’ve been majorly bamboozled. Take what you want with that. If this guy can’t just marry you in a courthouse tomorrow, then I don’t know what the hell his problem is. I was pregnant before marriage too, and there was no fucking way I was gonna have a different last name than my child. Luckily I didn’t have to force his hand and he proposed. I don’t know how you got yourself so deep.
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u/ur-humble-overlord 1d ago
i understand that you've held on to this notion you won't have children with different fathers, but you're doing your children a disservice teaching them to lay down and take this kind of treatment. would you rather your kids grow up seeing mom unhappy and dad complacent, or their parents happy and separate? you have to remember they're little sponges, and they're watching everything that happens to you and compartmentalizing that this is a relationship, this is love, this is what i can aspire to. is how you feel something you want your kids to feel? to normalize?
respectfully your trauma about blended families is something you are dragging them into and repeating. someone who has kids with multiple partners is not lesser than. you deserve better. your kids deserve better. you can have love for this man and understand he isn't your future. go to therapy and move on.
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u/vulg-her 1d ago
It really doesn't sound like a fair trade of going through the process of birth (potentially injuring yourself or death) for marriage. And then you went and did it three times and he still didn't follow through on his part.
He's a liar. He should be ashamed of himself.
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u/mistressusa 1d ago
Does he have enough money to support two households? Do you have a job? If yes on both, you can sue him for child support and move out with your children. If y'all are barely getting by financially, your children are better off with your current living situation.
I am sorry but the optimal time for a woman to demand marriage was before baby #1. You are wayyyy off.
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u/GnomieOk4136 Marry someone excited to be with you. Happily married 15 years. 1d ago
He is never, ever going to marry you. You know it, he knows it, your friends know it, even your children know it. He has lied to you continuously for years. You said yourself you won't leave, so I don't know what you want us to say. There are no magic words to turn him into a good man.
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u/Emerald_Bobcat7 1d ago
Sorry this happened to you. I would get a degree in a high demand field ( registered nurse) unless you are already working. You don’t mention your income situation. Take your time so you can leave and support yourself and the children. Plan your way out of it. It’s not your fault so do what you have to do. You deserve to be loved and cared for not to be tricked and held back. I’ve seen several women do exactly this!
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u/gr_rn 1d ago
I think you need to seriously reconsider your future. Do you have children? Daughters?Would you want someone to treat your daughter the way you have been treated? Or your son to treat a woman that way? That is how I base everything in my life. I set the example for my daughter. I got a career, took my time finding the right husband, got married and then had a daughter. I saw my mother be left by my father for another woman and she had no skills, didn’t speak good English, no education, no money etc. everything was in my fathers name and the only thing she was able to get was the house with a mortgage.
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u/allieoops925 1d ago
I’m sorry, but I can’t believe you still think that he’s going to marry you someday.
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u/Littlewing1307 1d ago
A marriage is legal protection for you and your children. I would dump him immediately for being a liar, manipulator and frankly he's selfish as fuck. If he won't get married he better name you power of attorney, etc and get those legal papers in place should anything happen.
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u/whoaelena 1d ago
Theres a reason the “fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me” doesnt have a 3rd part.
I feel bad for your kids.
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u/Affectionate-Paper56 1d ago
You fell for the lie THREE times! Why do you think leaving him will result in you having children by two different men? Could it be because you think having their baby is a good way to trap them? It didn’t work with your current guy. Why would it work with the next one? First you have to understand that the way it works is to NOT have kids with them until AFTER you are married.
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u/therealzacchai 1d ago
If you can't be a good example, at least you can be a horrible warning.
I'm so sorry, sis. Time to wake up and fix your kids' lives.
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u/crazyprotein 1d ago
I’m very sorry. When he didn’t marry you before or right as you got pregnant for the first time - that is when he was never going to. Why do you adore a man who couldn’t do such an obvious and normal thing as marry a mother of his child if he loves her?
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u/katdanmorgan 1d ago
If you don’t want to leave him, you have to be okay with never getting married.
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u/Available-Trade-5970 20h ago
You never wanted to be the woman with multiple children fathers but you had the children of a man who was not committed to you and then gave them his name
The logic is ridiculous
You don’t need to have a kid with another man. You don’t even need another man. You just need to get up off the floor and respect yourself
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u/AuriannaG 1d ago
Leave with the kids. It’s cheaper for him to marry you than pay child support
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u/Real-Frosting 1d ago
😉 yes, it is. I about tap danced out the door when I found out what my ex-husband would have to pay!
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u/Nadja-19 1d ago
If you’re unwilling to leave then you have to accept you’ll be a forever girlfriend. But you deserve more than that. You’re giving way more than you’re getting in return here.
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u/Intelligent_rose12 18h ago
She might not even be a forever girlfriend if her boyfriend meets his dream woman a dumps OP for her!
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u/MichElegance 1d ago
Cart before the horse, cart before the horse, rinse and repeat…
Pay attention to how the goal posts keep moving and now you are totally baby trapped this guy whose word means absolutely nothing.
He’s not going to change. He’s a manipulator and is totally future faking so he gets what he wants in the present and he’s getting all the benefit benefits of your beautiful feminine energy as well as wifely benefits without actually making you a wife. It’s unbelievable guys like these.
The best you can do is believe his actions and remove yourself from this so the right guy can find his way to you if you desire your marriage.
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u/jednorog 1d ago
Am I being too sensitive about marriage being off the table now, or am I validated in feeling like I’ve been lied to this entire time?
No, you're not being too sensitive. Yes, this man lied to you.
It sounds like your questions are focused on whether you have the right to feel certain feelings. Sure you have that right. But now that you feel those feelings, the question I think you should ask yourself is what do you do now?
I know the majority of women will say “leave and find your husband” or “don’t let your boyfriend stop you from finding your husband” but I really can’t see myself loving someone else and even then, I never wanted to be a woman that had children with 2 different men based on how I grew up. I never wanted the same for my children, so a lot is weighing on my mind about this.
I ask what do you do now because you've preemptively rejected the advice you know you're going to get. You know that this man will not marry you and you know we will advise you that if you want to be married, you need to leave this man. But you're preemptively rejecting that truth. So what do you actually want in this situation?
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u/Anoninemonie 1d ago
Huh, I genuinely hope that he is a saint and an amazing father and he's just stupid as hell and has the emotional intelligence of a bottle of ketchup.
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u/Slothfulness69 1d ago
I know you said you don’t wanna have kids with another man, so then don’t. Go find someone else and marry them but don’t have kids. The fact of the matter is that it’s too late for the current boyfriend. You can’t go back in time and make him marry you before kids, and you can’t make him care about your feelings. So what are you gonna do about? You can be a girlfriend/baby mama forever as long as you’re happy with that. But if you really wanna get married, this guy won’t give you that.
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u/nutkinknits 1d ago
If you are currently a stay at home mom, I encourage you to start establishing a career. Without being married he has no obligation to take care of you in any capacity should he decide to leave. The kids yes but what laws in your country say he needs to care for a long term girlfriend?
If you are wanting to stay with him, you need to be ok with him not wanting to get married. I know a bunch of people in long term relationships that aren't married and are completely happy with that. But it's because both people are on board. Will not getting married cause you to resent him? Because if that is the case, you need to make exit plans. It will eat you alive.
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1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Waiting_To_Wed-ModTeam 18h ago
Be helpful, supportive, and cautionary as need be for the poster. Unhelpful or unnecessary comments get removed.
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u/daphne2211 1d ago
OP, you dont ddeserve to be Treated like this in your relationship nor in this sub!!! Stay streng!
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u/Superb-Coyote5972 1d ago
No one told you having kids out of wedlock is a bad idea? Not your parents, friends? If you always wanted to be married, did he give you a ring? Propose?
If he doesn't want to marry you, your only option is to leave and co parent. You still have a whole life to live. You might meet someone who doesn't lie about what they want in life. How can you say you can't love anyone else? Does this sound like a person of good character? Lying to get you to have kids. Should have insisted on that BEFORE giving birth.
Now? If you leave him, he might respect you.
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u/Secret_Preparation99 1d ago
Your boyfriend isn’t going to marry you. Why should he? He has everything the way he wants on his terms. If he wanted to marry you, then he would have 3 kids ago.
Yes, people will say if you want to get married then you will have to leave. They are correct. But, it sounds like you aren’t going to, so you will need to work through your resentment. It’s going to be extremely difficult.
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u/mercedeszzzz 1d ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I do think you should advise other women not to have children until they’re married, and to be careful not to fall for false promises.
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u/gdognoseit 1d ago
So he lies to you and doesn’t care about you or respect you.
Leave him and coparent. He deceived you to get everything he wanted and refuses to do something that means so much to you.
Does that sound like love to you? Does that sound like a good man?
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u/Watch5345 19h ago
You are playing a very dangerous game having 3 children without a husband. Most companies insist on health insurance is only for the spouse and children. Also it protects the women if the man passes. Stop the BS and go get married
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u/Andromeda081 10h ago edited 10h ago
Fucking seriously.
This man is literally preventing you from being protected OP. He is stingily refusing to protect you. That’s the behavior of someone who doesn’t care what happens to you.
Don’t even get me started on the humiliation of being “girlfriend” 3 kids deep. If he cared about you (or even himself tbh) he would be ashamed by this.
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u/Disastrous-Radish353 1d ago
I feel this. We are 11 years and 2 kids and 3 cross country moves for his job later and marriage is off the table. I’ve just sacrificed that want at this point
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u/stroppo 1d ago
I will never understand how a person can accept being a second class citizen in their own home.
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u/DAWG13610 1d ago
I’m thinking the same thing, where’s the self respect?
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u/Disastrous-Radish353 1d ago
It has nothing to do with self respect. He had been married previously and was on the fence about whether he ever wanted to do it again. I’m not willing to blow up my family over his boundary.
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u/jkraige 1d ago
But he's willing to blow up your family over his boundary, and that's the problem
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u/Disastrous-Radish353 1d ago
How is he blowing up our family? It’s something we have discussed extensively. He has made other sacrifices to accommodate my boundaries
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u/jkraige 1d ago
I said he's willing to, not that he is. It only doesn't blow up your family because you defer to his wishes and give in on something you want. It doesn't actually cost him anything to marry you. He's already tied to you for life since you have two kids together, he just refuses to provide any real stability to your family structure
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u/gdognoseit 1d ago
Your children will grow up thinking that love is them being used and taken advantage of with no respect.
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u/HopefulOriginal5578 23h ago
Well it would be if marriage was super important to you. But it’s not for you which is fine.
Ultimately, for those who absolutely want marriage? Having that taken off the table could very well have them leave the relationship. Otherwise they’d be in a state of unhappiness that would bleed into other parts of life.
Seems you and your man have an understanding and that it’s good enough for you both. But if marriage were truly a foundational boundary than him not wanting the same thing would make you incompatible…
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u/Neweleni7 1d ago
His “boundary” 🙄 now we know he’s even more of a jerk lol
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u/HopefulOriginal5578 23h ago
The weaponization of mental health speak is always such a big sign …
However ladies behold how men have very little problem holding their own boundaries? Everyone see that? Be like men in this regard. Hold your own and don’t settle if it’s important to you.
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u/WhatFreshHello 1d ago
What advice would you give to a sister or friend in this situation? I read what you posted in an other forum and sadly agree that this is, at least in part, a struggle with believing that you deserve to have a happy, fulfilling relationship.
Because of the monstrous way your previous partner treated you, I’m not sure that you recognize that your current partner is emotionally and verbally abusive, down to telling you he’s only with you for the sake of the kids and policing what you wear - after he got caught having an emotional affair. WTF?!
I have to think that if this was happening to a dear friend, you would be the first one there to protect and support her. If you don’t have someone like that in your own life now, please find the strength to be that person for yourself.
The controlling way your partner is treating you now is classic projection - he may well be cheating again. Just because you now have access to one phone doesn’t mean he’s not hiding a second one somewhere. You’re a nurse, so I don’t have to tell you about the potential risks if this time it’s something more than emotional.
If you have a daughter, please think about how you hope she will be loved and cherished by her partner one day. If you have a son, please think about him behaving towards his partner one day exactly as he sees his father treat you now. I know that’s not what you want for your kids, so I hope you will make a plan to get your ducks in a row and exit this relationship safely.
By tolerating your boyfriend’s abuse, you are normalizing a deeply unhealthy dynamic. Thank goodness you do have an education and earn a good income. You’re not trapped.
You made it out safely once and I promise you, you can do it again.
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u/Disastrous-Radish353 1d ago
He has been married previously and was on the fence on whether he wanted to marry again. I’m not willing to blow up my family over his boundary.
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u/nothishomeland 1d ago
So you're fine with letting another woman who isn't even in your baby daddy's life anymore dictate your life and family structure? That's sad.
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u/Disastrous-Radish353 1d ago
I have boundaries based off previously relationships. Does that mean he is allowing other men who aren’t part of our family dictate my family structure/rules? No it doesn’t.
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u/nothishomeland 1d ago
Do those boundaries include not marrying and having children out of wedlock? If so, yes. That's objectively allowing his ex and his bad experiences to dictate the terms of your life and family structure.
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 1d ago
What are your plans if he meets someone he does want to marry? Can you support yourself and your children on your own?
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u/jednorog 1d ago
Why?
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u/Disastrous-Radish353 1d ago
Because it wasn’t so important to me that I was willing to blow up my family over it. It’s called compromise. He has sacrificed things for my boundaries as well.
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u/jednorog 1d ago
Ok! Glad you have a dynamic that works for you and that you're happy in your relationship.
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u/sysaphiswaits 1d ago edited 1d ago
If you were adults when you were pregnant with the first one and he didn’t marry you, he was never going to and on some level he was aware of that.
You put your health, your future, possibly even your life at risk, but a public commitment was still too much for him.
Not saying you should leave him, but in a lot of states, you would have common law rights. Would be a good thing to keep in mind considering there’s a reason he won’t make his commitment official.
I certainly hope you’ve maintained your financial independence, and if you haven’t you’d better get that sorted out as soon as you can. This is not a trustworthy man.
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u/Present_Ebb_9469 1d ago
Common law marriage is really not a thing any more. Maybe in a few, but not a lot.
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u/Hot-Signature8402 1d ago
I have never really understood this shared surname thing?
It doesn’t mean jack shite, there are literally millions of people who don’t share a surname with a kid for various reasons and it doesn’t make them any less of a family.
There are over 100 million people would wide with the surname wang, and they aren’t all related or the same family group.
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u/pineappleshampoo 1d ago
This is a rare situation where I don’t think you actually should leave.
You made your choices, if you love him and it’s an otherwise happy relationship then I think you need to consider what’s best for your children at this stage rather than what you want.
Uprooting their lives because you made some dumb decisions wouldn’t be fair when the relationship is otherwise okay. But if you want marriage yes, you will need to leave.
Idk how you could trust and sleep with someone like him, a liar. But you seem to be doing okay with it for the past several years so many it’s just not that important to you to be respected by your boyfriend or be able to trust him.
After the first major lie ‘I’ll marry you after our first child’ why did you keep having more children with this boyfriend?
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u/Whiteroses7252012 1d ago
You have two choices: accept that this is your life, or leave. We don’t have the magic words that will make him do what you want. If we did, this sub wouldn’t exist. And unfortunately, marriage has certain legal and financial protections that you can’t replicate anywhere else.
I’m not sure what kind of advice you want, really.
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u/schecter_ 1d ago edited 1d ago
I mean the last name thing is so weird for me. Since in my culture women keep their names so you never have the same last name. They get the men's though which is unfair. We should all get our mother's name, but that’s another conversation.
Now to the real problem, at this point, your only choice is to ask him for a courtroom wedding, but if He doesn’t accept it, well He will never marry you. Now, once you know that, you need to decide if this is worth breaking your family over.
Edit. I hope you aren’t a SAHM, if you are girl you are screwed.
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u/Bapps4thewin 1d ago
I mean … you’ve already spent 10 years of your life with him and with children. At this point there’s no need fighting for a marriage, no? Why don’t you just go about your life till the end? I don’t think he tricked you, I think you just allowed him to play in your face three times. Now you’ve got your lovely kids, why ruin it and separate the family over a surname. It doesn’t make much difference now. You also don’t want to leave when you know that’s what everyone will say so don’t. Stick with your decision as long as you know the repercussions of being an unmarried partner legally
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u/Kimbaaaaly 22h ago
Marriage gives you each some legal protections that don't exist outside of marriage. (I'm sure it's different in different states, don't jump on me). Once is the blast is end of life decisions. (DNR vs no DNR for example, and without marriage they're can be battles between someone's family of origin vs the partner. THAT is why marriage can be important. (Even if you are young, things happen without warning often).
Updateme
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u/dianexyz 22h ago
Marriage is importance to you, but not to him. I am sorry you are in this spot. I am just curious, do you know why he won’t agree to marry you? In any case, it is obviously not your preference to be with him and not married. If I felt like you, I would have to leave, staying with a man that really isn’t committed would be too painful. I would find someone who wants me as much as I want them. Do you have a career? If not I would start by trying to get my independence so I can plan my future.
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u/Fragrant-Half-7854 20h ago
Girl you dug your own hole. I’m sure all the grown women in your life were warning you. He will never marry you, your only choice now is how long you’re willing to be a gf.
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u/Blue-eagle-23 19h ago
In most states you can charge your name without getting married, yes it’s a little more of a process but it can be done. If he says anything you can say you’re changing it to match your children.
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u/AlisonPoole98 19h ago
You absolutely will never get your way by sticking with this man and hoping he'll get around to it. You will have to make changes yourself if you expect anything to change
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u/Adept_Policy_2996 18h ago
Not enough women are willing to leave the children with the father. She should dip for a while, leaving all the children with the father for a while. Tell him he can be the single father of three kids, if he doesn't want to get married. Tell him the children have his last name, it makes more sense for him to keep them. Then leave for a week or two, while he gets to experience three kids as a single father.
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u/Grouchy_Document_856 17h ago
What possessed you to get pregnant a second and third time after he didn't marry you after the first?
Like what were you thinking?
If being married was important to you why would you agree to have kids while unmarried?
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u/Suspicious_Winter103 14h ago
If he intends to be with you til death do you part he has mo reason to be anti-marriage.
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u/Middle_Road_Traveler 12h ago
You can't leave now. You have 3 children with him. Hopefully when the kids realize you aren't married he might do it for them.
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u/Andromeda081 10h ago edited 10h ago
Wow. He really disrespected you with those moving goalposts. He falsely promised you the prize of your ultimate goal but only after YOU did all the work to prove to HIM that you deserved it — and now that the gestating and birthing is done he’s not even bothering with the false promises anymore.
That’s a fucking breathtaking level of deception and exploitation. I’m really sorry that the person you love so much was capable of doing this to you.
>”…marriage shouldn’t mean as much to me as still spending the rest of our lives together right??”
That’s beside the point. You wanted to be married, change your last name, have the legal / monetary protections of a spouse, be able to call yourself the wife of the man you love, and know that the man you love so much mutually wanted you as his wife too.
Instead. You don’t even have the same last name as your own children. The human beings YOU brought into this world. That’s fucking heartbreaking.
Was that his idea too? Did he falsely promise you eventual marriage convince you that “his legacy” should have his name instead of yours? If so, why did that matter so much to him? Is it because hm I don’t know did he picture that he would be ashamed to speak of the kids he sired if they had a different last name from his? Hm why would that be, is that because he wouldn’t have wanted the societal view of him for having kids by a baby mama? But that’s good enough for you? You should be ok with that? If so, why?
Ask him all these questions. He needs to answer for himself.
Ideally you would have addressed all this prior to getting pregnant and prior to giving your children his name (when he didn’t earn that privilege by MARRYING YOU), but since it’s too late for that, he needs to answer for that NOW. Don’t make the excuse for him with the question I quoted above. He doesn’t need you to make those excuses for him. Talking yourself off the ledge by preemptively excusing his shitty actions isn’t in your best interest. It serves him above you. He’s already serving himself just fine, you need to look out for you.
Don’t let this go. Tell him that you feel betrayed and deceived by all of this, and that you want marriage, period. Say that you upheld your end of the bargain, and he did not. Because he knew how important that was to you, why did he think it was ok to make promises he had no intention of keeping? Does he not have empathy for you, or think your needs are not important? Does he think you deserve to be his baby mama forever? Does he think that you’d change your mind? Why would you change your mind when the children YOU birthed don’t have your name? List the benefits of marriage. Tell him that withholding those benefits from you now after he promised he would uphold his end of the bargain (and you’ve already upheld yours) makes him a liar. Ask him why he doesn’t want to marry you? Does he think he’ll meet someone else when he’s older, and doesn’t want the trouble of having to divorce you? Have his feelings already changed? Is he afraid of commitment? Does he realize how having a different name than your own children makes you feel? Is he not a man of his word? Etc etc. GRILL HIM. Don’t let him talk you out of it or give you excuses or flip the questions on you, because YOU did as you promised and the discussion is that he did not. If he does that, keep bringing it back to the fact that you upheld your end ad he did not, and resume questioning why.
If he refuses to take accountability, and refuses to marry you still, begin the process of changing your childrens’ names. Yes, seriously. And completely withdraw your labor from him. He shouldn’t get wife benefits keeping you on a baby mama’s salary, and last time I checked, a baby mama doesn’t fold her baby daddy’s laundry.
Good luck, I believe in you! You have more than earned being his wife. He made you prove yourself to him, instead of vice versa to earn your bodily commitment of giving him children, and that is ass backwards. Time to be a man of his word. You speak of how much you love him, but you should love yourself more…he won’t.
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u/GetInTheBasement 9h ago
>Am I being too sensitive about marriage being off the table now, or am I validated in feeling like I’ve been lied to the entire time?
Given everything you’ve typed, it speaks volumes how this, of all things, is somehow what you’re preoccupied with vs. the lifetime of nonsense you’ve gotten yourself and your children into for a man who clearly doesn’t respect you.
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u/mostlylovelyacct 1d ago
You are definitely being too sensitive…
There is no reason to get married because you already gave him wife treatment without being married… so you should not expect to get married at this point. Lower your expectations.
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u/ItJustWontDo242 1d ago
I don't know why you're being downvoted because you're right. The chances are very slim that a man is going to want to marry her with 3 kids in tow. She needs to just accept that this is her life.
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u/SpoiledLady 1d ago
If you don't want your kids raised by two different men, then start getting used to the idea of being a forever girlfriend. Or single mom.
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u/Nice-Organization338 1d ago edited 1d ago
If you really love him and want to be with him, then accept him warts and all, including the very big wart of not wanting marriage.
If you are angry at him and want to be married to someone, then you’ll have to end the relationship and date guys that are looking for marriage.
Make a decision which side of the fence you want to be on and go ahead with it.
You could make one last effort and suggest that you get a prenup with him and then get married, that way he could iron out concerns about possible divorce if that’s what he’s worried about.
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u/kyoshis_revenge 1d ago
Im so sorry but you got bamboozled. This is why you NEVER give babies to a man you’re not married to.
Unfortunately if marriage is important to you, you’ll have to leave. I don’t know how you could want to stay with a manipulator anyway