I found out I was pregnant super early, I wasn’t ready for a second child and I’d only just started feeling like myself again & getting back into the swing of life with work and being able to do more financially for my kid. I was also awaiting my start for a new job, and wouldn’t start for another month, I knew I wouldn’t be entitled to enhanced mat pay, and to be honest I didn’t really want to start a new job pregnant especially considering my HG and overall experiences during and after pregnancy. Abortion was my immediate thought as soon as I saw those two lines. My relationship is also seriously on the rocks and my partner just doesn’t seem to have the capacity to be there for me emotionally at all, huge dismissive avoidant but thats another story.
The two lines were faint but I called NUPAs the next morning, I had done the test on a hunch the night before. Saturday morning I call NUPAs who told me the wait for a consultation was usually a few days but I could be put on they’d had a telephone slot for the next day if I wanted it with the medical professional the next day (Sunday). I said absolutely, YES.
I then spent the rest of the weekend until the phone-call in a perpetual state of what the f***. Especially as I am a part of a culture where a termination is not even considered as an option, especially when you are married & already have kids. I toyed with the idea of keeping the pregnancy. I’ll spare you my thoughts after having just written them out & deleted them, but I always came to the same conclusion, I can’t, it’s not the right time, I need to put myself & my 2 yr old first. No.
Phone call came through on the Sunday, 1 hour later of medical questions and screening, I was open about the pain I get from periods & only having a faint line I was told to go to a scan on Tuesday in Battersea. I go to my appointment, no pregnancy seen, but my endometrium had thickened. I was told to come back a week and a half later.
Friday comes round, I start feeling uncomfortable. Discomfort in my pelvic area. Probably PGP (I’m one of the few that get it from very very ultra early on in pregnancy, this having been my third time confirming this) but I was also anxious to see if the pregnancy was there by this point. I book a viability scan. I go, no pregnancy seen, I get told to refer myself to Early Pregnancy Unit at the hospital incase of PUL or smth like that. My LPP was 6.5 weeks before but I knew I must have ovulated late because I approx. knew the date I had gotten pregnant. I did explain this but I called EPU anyway. EPU says come in Monday. I go Monday, scan shows more thickness and a little bit of a sac shape but nothing in it yet. Bloods done.
I get told to come back in 48 hours on Wednesday to do more bloods. I do that then get told to go in for another scan on the Friday and update NUPAS. No scan with NUPAs needed so they share a link with me to share the NHS Early Pregnancy report with them. I go and do the scan. They can finally see the pregnancy/gestational sac, I finally cried during this moment for the first time. I felt really bad. I stalled on calling NUPAs at this point because I felt so sad, I felt sad for my body, and for the possibility of another future I might never have. I stuck to my gut. I have a million of reasons justifiable to me and thats all that matters. I called NUPAs and filed the report using their link. The doctors sign it off, they call me back, and tell me to go in on Monday to collect my medication. I spend the weeekend hyperfocussed on MA experiences. Preparing for the pain. Crying, anxious, feeling sick. I thought, Thank God NUPAs were also prescribing me codeine with the medical abortion pills!!
I go to the appt on Monday evening, I’m upset I couldn’t have just done it over the weekend and now I have to take time out of the week to do it. The clinic feels sombre, its the evening, I’ve travelled to surbiton this time to collect the medication. The receptionist smiles at me & tells me to sit and wait. I got there 20 min before my appt. I get called in 10 min after my appt is due. Its okay, but those 30 mins felt numb. NUPAS nurse comes and calls me. I follow her into a room down a long corridor. She hands me a brown paper bag and goes over everything with me, what to do, how to take what, and ensures everything on the information sheet and medication packs given to me is labelled and annotated clearly. Mifepristone first. 24-48 hrs later (my call) misoprostol. 4 vaginally or orally. Then a further 2 if nothings happened after 4 hours. And the helpline is there. So is the codeine phosphate, but I should start with paracetamol & ibuprofen first, and build up to the codeine.
I tell my partner I’ll take the first pill Tues morning, relax at home, and I will need him on Wednesday as our child doesnt have nursery that day, and I need someone to be with our child whilst I go through the pains.
Tuesday comes, I take Mifepristone, expecting to be one of the rare who experience something bizarre or painful. One hour goes by, two, three, four…. 24 - nothing. Not an ache, not a pain, not a symptom in sight. I had spent the evening researchjng about stage 2, misoprostol. I was prepped to be crying, shaking, throwing up. I had bought nurofen, paracetamol, immodium, peppermint tea (helps me with cramps), I had the codeine phosphate of course, hot water bottles, all on the ready. I was shooketh, but prepared.
Wednesday morning is here - I shake, feel faint, think to just not go through with it, then I imagine my personal reality of potentially following through with the pregnancy, and I wash my face, take a deep breath, make a tea, take two paracetamol and two ibuprofen (not medical advice) after eating a croissant and having my tea immediately after the painkillers I take the misoprostol in its packet in my hand, lay down, squirm at the thought of the pain and trauma that may occur today & tomorrow especially given my history of extreme pain, nausea, cramping, proctalgia fugax, u name it, during a previous miscarriage, and the birth I had, and the periods and suspected adeno/endo I may have.
I lay down, insert the misoprostol. 1, 2, 3, 4. As far back as they can go. I shake a bit. Anxiety. I turn to my side. I put on a series I love. I can’t watch. I flip flop about for half an hour, 45 mins, 1 hour passes in total - nothing. I just start getting into my head. I fall asleep, I wake up 2 hrs later. 3 hours have gone. I lay awake for another 20 mins. No cramps still. I think fantastic, the end of this is not in sight!!
I decide to go to the loo, I pee. I wipe, I think I see some pink but not much. Very very mild & light.
I call NUPAS at the 3hr 45 min mark. I tell them whats occurred and no cramping or pain. They call back & tell me take the next stage, two misoprostol.
I decide I will take it after I come back from the loo again. I need to go back for number 2.
I go to the loo, I poop. And then some clots & blood gush out, nothing major I thought as I remember this sort of stuff coming out of me every few hours for a solid week during my previous miscarriage that went on for 8 days. I also bleed A LOT during periods. And clot a lot too. So i thought this is minor!
I then take the further two misoprostol orally. After an hour, mild cramps, nothing as bad as my periods are or nowhere near my miscarriage pains, a true 1/10. 10 being crying shaking throwing up passing out, and my periods and miscarriage having been a strong 10 or 11 out of 10, lol.
I start bleeding a little more, no clots this time. I expect my period / previous miscarriage level of blood. This is a smidge. I start getting worried. Not a serious cramp or passing tissue waves of contractions type experience that Id read about in sight.
24 hrs go by Id called NUPAS three ornfour times by this point. They told me wait it will come, can take 48 hours fornsome. I wait 48 hours, bleeding becomes lighter and no major tissue just pea sized clumps here and there. This is exactly what happened right before my actual passing of the pregnancy I had during my previous miscarriage - in my head, its coming but idk when, could be tomorrow, 2 days, a week. 48 hours goes by, I call NUPAs, they tell me it could take a little while longer, several more days. At this point I start feeling anxious and uncomfortable. Day 3 after the misoprostol, nothing?
I pay for a scan. I go. Abdominal scan ofc. No pregnancy tissue found!? I had passed it?!
I leave, and go and sit with this information.
I realise, it had been those clots/blood that gushed out after 3.5 hrs after taking the 4 misoprostol. Thats the only time it couldve been. No pain, no cramping, no nausea, no painful diarrhea as id had before with miscarriage and pregnancy, no feeling my cervix passing it through, just straight plop and go.
I am very fortunate. I know not everyone gets to experience this. I do think this is important to share however. I was looking at all these stories online and I think my anxiety had gotten the better of me. This may very well not be most womens medical abortion experience, but I do think its important to share when its overall positive & not traumatic as well, as I think that a lot of women who become pregnant who want to consider abortion get put off by how the system and process from provider to the medication works, and also many women feel unjustified because they may come
From cultures such as mine where its not seen as an option typically. Please choose what you want for you & nobody else. We are fortunate to have this option.
I do think being not as far along made a difference, who knows though. I was meant to be nearly 8 weeks, but the pregnancy was measuring smaller & its very likely I ovulated late so apparently it looked like the pregnancy was about 7. I understand its not easy for most to make a decision so soon, but if this can ease the mind of one woman then I’ve done enough. I think this is important to share because I also want women who may be scared, of any age, shape, condition or background to know that I had the most fantastic, and compassionate support from NUPAs. They were truly so knowledgable & supportive, each and everyone of them. Quick to answer and call back. My only wish is for there to be more clinicsand medication available in more locations around. Big thank you to the NUPAS staff.
And again, if you find yourself unsure, there is pre abortion counselling available I’m sure through NUPAs. You’ve got this, do what you feel is right, but don’t be too scared. Listen to the NUPAS team about your painkiller choices, be open about what your periods are like and the fear of your pain. Its okay. I was given codeine and didn’t even have to use it in the end, but coming from a girly whose been in pain from periods her whole life, who has been told I have suspected adenomyosis and whose miscarriage was traumatic as hell, the abortion pills just brought on mild cramps in comparison. I pray over everyone who has a different experience, and I would also just say speak to the providers team, advocate for yourself, talk about what youre feeling and any physical symptoms youre worried about. You can get through this.