Apologies for the long-winded vent. I’m just tired of seeing Fictophobia.

——-

“Nobody in history has ever thought to themselves ‘man, I gotta get myself in shape, take care of my appearance, and get a good job so that I have a chance of impressing princess Zelda’.”

I can only speak for myself, but the only reason I’m alive today and had any ambition in life is because of my first F/O (which, neither of my F/Os are Princess Zelda specifically, so I guess they were right in that regard). Being Ficto/AroAce doesn’t come from mental health issues. It’s not a “symptom” of anything. It’s something you’re born with like any other sexuality.

Yes, I’ve been through the wringer, but me exclusively being attracted to the same character since I was 4 and into adulthood, despite desperately trying to stop feeling this way about them and only falling deeper in love with them, was not just a symptom of my upbringing, or even nothing at all.

I’m tired of hearing “the character can’t reciprocate” and “that’s weird/gross/demonic” as an argument against being Ficto, especially because people can say the most degenerate and disgusting things about a character, and just be met with “haha same.” Just oh, sorry that I genuinely want to bond with a character and make their life better and to spend the rest of my life with them instead of just using them for my own gratification.

I know I’m probably reading too far into it and over exaggerating what was said here, and I can’t blame people for still thinking being Ficto is weird since there’s so little acceptance for being AroAce in general, let alone a microlabel of it. It still just hurts that after a lifetime of being bombarded with “there’s something fundamentally wrong with you for this,” that there’s still occasionally people continuing that “well at least you’re not like one of those” type mindsets.

Before say what I need to say, I need to give a disclaimer:

• I am not a healthcare provider in any sense, so I cannot give medical advice on how to seek or access therapy / counselling. Please do not ask me for medical advice.

• This is an anecdotal post, sharing my own views based on what has helped me personally, as a 22 year old AroAce who has been doing self work and therapy for 6 years.

  That said! I wanna talk about something that’s been bothering me about how we view fulfilment in QPRs. Imo, it feels similar to how allo people view romantic relationships- especially the whole concept of “The One”.

Allo society views romantic relationships as the be-all, end-all to life. In my last post, I mentioned how allo society places the need for 100% fulfilment onto 1 person (their partners), and tend to neglect seeking fulfilment through all of their connections.

(As in- they expect their partner to give them fulfilment in ways that all different types of connections would. They are expected to be family, friend, lover and even favourite person, all at once and are expected to juggle their partner’s mental load ontop of that. This imo, i think is why so many relationships fail)

I’m noticing a similar pattern in the QPR space tbh.

If someone is struggling with how they perceive love and they post asking for advice. The top comments are usually about QPRs. Whether that’s recommending one, educating the OP on QPR existence etc. and that’s great! But I always feel like we’re collectively overlooking a massive thing.

Self love.

When i say self love I don’t mean “ohh I love myself. I have only myself for the rest of my life. I want no one else”

Self love is not something you just wake up with someday. It can be a really hard and long process to truly finding and usually takes therapy to do so since for most of us, we have years of baggage and conditioning.

What I do mean is, if you have unhealthy attachment or you lack an understanding of what love means for yourself, or you don’t truly actually even know yourself, I feel that it would be bad advice to tell you that a QPR is a better option.

Yes, for a lot of people including myself, QPRs are a great option.

But I think that if regardless of your worries, you haven’t healed your personal connection to relationships itself, including the one you have with yourself, I think there’s a good chance you’ll end up either being codependent in a QPR or … I’m sorry… but probably a emotionally unavailable one.

Unhealthy attachment and even dismissive attachment isn’t synonymous with being aroace. You’re not cooked, you’ve just not healed.

Before I say anything else I wanna remind you:

You are worthy of love at any stage you might be in. You are worthy of love at your worst, at your best and especially everything in between. You’re worthy of love while you do the work. You don’t have to wait to be “100% healed” before you agree to a QPR.

In fact, there will always be stuff to work through. And having someone with you is part of a wonderful commitment.

In a healthy commitment like this, you both need to fill your own cups and pour to eachother’s cups when it’s needed.

In an unhealthy commitment, only 1 person is pouring into the other’s cup while not pouring into their own and while the partner also does not pour into their own either. It can also be unhealthy if both partners are pouring but ONLY into eachothers cups, not their own.

An unbalanced commitment does not equal unhealthy.

Some days, months, even years, 1 partner may struggle to fill their cup and the partner will choose to pour until they have enough to go on. The partner that pours will need to take time to refill their cup as you cannot pour if it’s empty.

A healthy but unbalanced connection can happen if one of you is having a mental or physical health dip but your connection remains healthy because there is NOT an expectation that your partner carries you.

You must choose yourself the way you want your partner to choose you. And vice versa.

It is unhealthy if the only stability you have is from eachother and not yourselves as a foundation.

It is healthy if you have stability from eachother AS WELL AS your own self.

This is what I feel like a lot of us could be doing better at. QPRs, like all connections, is a relationship. A commitment.

A QPR won’t fix you. You doing the inner work and learning how to help and carry yourself will. And vice versa, they should do the same. It’s okay to lean on eachother when you need.

But it’s also not you and this person against the world you know.

Fulfilment should not and I don’t belief can come from 1 connection in your life.

Fulfilment, In my own experience, comes from the connection you have to self, friends, family, pets and also a QPR.

But these things ADD UP to fulfilment.

More than anything, finding fulfilment in self love as a foundation is what helped me heal and get to where I am now.

Ultimately, in my opinion, everything goes back to Self. Please don’t take the Self for granted.

Hiya

I am aroace and I'm curious about other aspecs of colour! The location doesn't matter, of course.

I really really need help.😭

So I met my girlfriend of a year and a half online, she is genuinely the sweetest person who cares about me to death. Now, something about me is that I develop these "squishes" I think as you call them, strong crushes towards new friends or acquaintances often (which I still cannot differentiate between platonic or romantic). So basically, that happened, and we became obsessed with eachother. Back then, I wasn't quite aware of my aroace tendencies. So, when she wanted to be in a relationship, I reciprocated.

We've been dating for over a year now. But lately, I've been unable to find any sort of attraction for her in myself. I definitely have this really strong platonic love for her and want to be with her forever, but anytime she says lovey dovey or sexual stuff it feels like my brain is being grated when I try to reciprocate and say it back.

A few months back, I told her I might be aroace, and she said she would be completely fine with it. Then, sometime later, I figured out that I might be aegoroace instead, she said she would be fine with it. But then a few days ago I really told her the truth about how it disgusts me (I didn't tell her this rudely) to say things about romantic or sexual love, because I really can't mean it. All my love is very strong but it's all platonic. A lot of confusion happened because of this, but amidst every one of these confessions, I told her I loved her the most in the world, but only in the way being aromantic allowed me to.

Well, I'm still really confused about my orientation, because sometimes I can't stop saying "I love you"s and other sweet stuff to her, but other times it disgusts me to even hear that from her. She got mixed signals, and got genuinely mad at me. Then I said Id just like to be close friends with her, because I still love her so so so much, it's just that it's all platonic. Well, she was furious, thinking that I don't love her enough to be in a romantic relationship with her, but I have no idea how to explain that it breaks my heart every time I struggle to find myself reciprocating.

Well, after all that arguing, I was tired of it and I just wanted her to be with me even if I have to push through the flirting (which I despise). So, I told her to ignore it all and let's go back to dating like normal. I was being kind of passive-aggressive about it, like if you saw my texts you could tell that I was not looking forward to the relationship again. She's a smart woman, I know she understood that. But, then the told me we're in the relationship again now, but I can interpret it however I'd like. Something important is that every time I confessed the possibilities, she was always like "it's okay, let's just stay in a relationship, but you can interpret it however you like", but she still got mad when I couldn't reciprocate.

So, I really don't understand. What does she mean by this? I've told her so many times, and it's genuinely so, SO painful to stay in this, but I can't bear to lose her as a person in my life. I also need help on what my orientation might be (under the aro spectrum of course). I have half a braincell. Please help me read the signs and I'll sell you my soul.

To anyone that is either new to figuring out you’re aro/ace (like myself) or anyone that is just struggling with the idea of having close meaningful relationships…

You will find them. Genuinely. Not only do QPRs exist. But also. Non-QPR relationships can be full of love too.

But I know you’ve heard this before, so let me actually give you a piece of unsolicited advice that… miiiiight be controversial. So I wanna emphasis that this is what MY journey has been and what has helped ME

I’ve been doing inner work for 6 years now, and let me tell you. The biggest lesson I’ve ever had to learn was to truly love myself and understand what love means to me in any form it takes.

When I didn’t understand or embody either of these things, connections outside of myself were incredibly hard and always worried stuff like:

“But if I say no to being with you, with the dynamic change?… will we stop being close? Will you pull back because this won’t lead anywhere?”

I would say yes to anyone and everyone because I was afraid that theyd stop caring about me all together if I said no. Even if we’d been friends for years. So I ended up having pretty bad anxious attachment.

Once I did the hard work and truly learned to love myself and understand what love actually means to me, it made everything easier.

No matter found family, friends, QPR, whatever- love flourishes when both/all have healthy attachment and love for themselves. It’s what I’ve found to be the true foundation of all connection.

If you’re worried about not finding someone / people that you can be extremely close with and live your life contently out of fear that once they know you are aro/ace, it won’t mean as much to them anymore or that you’ll eventually get left behind, I have 1 thing I want you to remember:

Love is not limited. Love is expansive.

Someone who has limiting views on love, wouldn’t go well with you even IF you could feel the way they do. Because society’s belief that romantic love is more important than anything else is NOT WHOLE and places Self Love below all.

This brings me onto another thing:

Can we talk about how everyone feels like 1 connection needs to be 100% fulfilling??

Even in QPRs, I see this mindset everywhere and I think it’s actually ironically perpetuating the limiting beliefs about love.

You’re allowed to have a favourite person. You’re also allowed for this person to be your QPP. But they don’t have to be.

You can have a QPP and have a favourite person who is a family member, a friend etc.

But I strongly don’t believe that there is 1 connection above all else that gives you 100% fulfilment.

I feel like fulfilment is a mix of all types of connections and love.

In my case:

Self love is my foundation. Friends, I will go to individually for different things. A friend I play games with, a friend I talk politics with, a friend I go shopping with etc.

All together, that makes me fulfilled in friendship.

If I have a QPR one day (which I do want), it would be fulfilling in a closeness way.

With family, I have the family member I talk to and ask advice from, the family member I have jokes and good times with, the family member I can just chill with and be understood quietly with.

All together, that makes me fulfilled in that aspect.

All of these types of connections, when added up, makes contentment for me in my life. I’m aware I’m privileged in this way, I won’t take it for granted.

I just feel like, in my personal opinion, it has always felt weird to me that all of this fulfilment, is expected to be put onto 1 person. THE person. The one, even in a QPR sense sometimes.

It feels unbalanced and I think a lot of us might be happier if we just reconstructed the way we viewed fulfilment and the way we seek it in connection.

EDIT: Sorry this is so long and if this comes off pretentious or anything. I hope it makes sense and I don’t mean to upset anyone.

Hello everyone, I have recently started high school. What kind of situations or people should I know about and try my best to avoid. I for the longest time known that I was aroace and I'm rather content about it. Also please tell me how to reject someone if they confess to me or how to spot someone advances or flirting.

I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection over the last few months. I’ve considered myself aroace for a while, but sometimes I experience a kind of "imposter syndrome," and I wonder if it might be linked to mental health issues. It’s not about a lack of self-acceptance; it’s more about the fear of labeling myself and potentially being wrong. For instance, in the past, I thought I might be trans. After looking into it deeply, I concluded that it was actually just an idealization of gender norms combined with low self-esteem.

But being aroace has never really been an "issue," so to speak... I’ve never felt a strong romantic pull—aside from the romance I see in books or media. During my teenage years, I experienced a platonic crush that, once it turned into a relationship, felt practically suffocating. A few months ago, I tried going on a date with someone from Tinder, and it was such a disaster that I actually felt disgusted—even though he was a perfectly nice person. I’ve been involved with both men and women, and while I’ve felt physical attraction, there was no real desire, you know? I’ve never felt anything special from kissing or having sex, even though I do experience urges every now and then (like, maybe once every six months). Honestly, I get more pleasure from taking care of my own needs than I ever have with someone else; the very idea of ​​being with another person is actually a bit repulsive to me.

I often idealize a life on my own, perhaps as a single mother, and so on. I’m not strictly against being in a relationship, but I know it would be a difficult path for me. Sometimes, I wonder if this is all tied to my mental health: I’ve never really been to therapy, and I spend a lot of time alone since I work from home.

Any advice?

So I’ve been exploring a bit recently and I discovered that I really dislike the idea of sex. I have concluded that I am most likely lithosexual (I experience sexual attraction but it goes away if reciprocated) or orchidsexual (I experience sexual attraction but I have no desire to act on it). However, I know I experience romantic attraction and it usually happens when I suspect someone may like me (like recipromantic) but in my one experience with a romantic partner, I lost feelings after a month of dating because I got easily disgusted by the thought of being liked (contradictory, I know). I believe the closest things are lithromantic, orchidromantic, and recipromantic. I have no idea, so please help me!

Hi all,

Some of you may remember my post a few months ago about Ace & Aro: Heart-to-Heart – a short, narrative game where you chat to a-spec characters!

I wanted to let you know that the demo – Ace & Aro: One Night Early – is out now on Steam and itch.io, for PC, Mac and Linux!

It takes place one night before the events of the full game. Despite your early arrival, Maya takes you on a short tour around Barcade Bros. Get to know her, learn about the meetup group, try a cocktail, and even play a rhythm dance mini-game! 💃

I hope you're about to check it out and I look forward to any feedback! 😀

A quick introduction, I am currently exploring what my identity might be, and I had a question I was unsure where to ask anywhere else considering my family is conservative and I live in a small country town with little to no resources to help me with this. (This is also my first time using reddit so please excuse any mistakes)

I believe I might be aromantic and asexual as peers around have began to have s*x and start dating, I am not. I do not have any interest in either of those and I know that. But where my confusion comes in is here.

I still look at people and can find them hot, I also do read sm*t occasionally, but the thought of actually having s*x with a real person is a thought that disgusts me. Does this still make me asexual?

For my second question, I am under the aromatic label as a cupioromantic (I feel little to no romantic attraction but I still want to date, just more platonically) And if I end up being asexual, would I still be classified as aroace?

(And yes i understand google is a resource, I would just prefer to get an answer from a real person)

I am pretty sure I am aroace

But my friend kept telling me I wasn't aroace because I didn't know what romantic or sexual feelings feel like. However, I have an amazing boyfriend who is aroace, and we are in a queerplatonic relationship.

I, however, don't understand it much, but I have these flare-ups of positive feelings and wanting to do so much more with him and worrying if I'm not romantic enough for him.

I don't know what I feel for him, but I would die for him. I feel this strange fading of feelings and even hurt when we don't hang out or talk as much. I feel like a part of me just dies, and that I get super lonely, and as if Pinkie Pie is deflating into her straightened-hair self, iykyk. Feelings begin to return when we talk and have intimate moments like deep talks. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside and want to pursue a future with him.

My other friend said it was romantic feelings, but I don't know. My friend keeps basing stuff to do in the future, and my boyfriend and I are very scared of commitment. I also feel the same about everyone : being that they're worthy of love and affection and I must protect them at all costs. But with my boyfriend, that feeling is stronger; the protectiveness is aggressive.

Are these romantic feelings? Am I aroace? I have a whole explanation on asexuality, but it dives into trauma, which I really don't want to get into (but I can if it helps you guys figure out if i'm asexual). I apologize if this post is dumb or just nonsense; I've never posted to Reddit before.

Thank you for reading, and please help me!

It’s like the holy grail of stupid. Literally the moment I realize I’m lithro (when you experience romance but fades if reciprocated). I also realize I have feelings for my best friend. And they’re definitely romantic. And I know they’re aromantic too… to some extent like me. It’s literally stuff that we’ve bonded over before… it feels like a betrayal ??

Like even IF things did work out, I know my feelings would eventually fade. They always do. So it’s like what do I do? Do I try and pursue something? Do I just sit back and be ok w secret admiration? Should I come clean abt it and try to stop?

I hate this too because I really like crushing on someone but this isn’t a typical “yeah just ask them out” it’s getting to a point where I’m sure if I mess this relationship up, I’ll be totally done 😭 I’ve lost like three best friends in the span of a couple months, if I lose this last one I might js sob forever.

IM NOT TRYING TO COME OFF AS HATEFUL OR ANYTHING. I’m just stuck. Cuz I know they’re aro, but I also know that they’ve dated b4… and that lil bit gets me like “ooo ooo go for it” but it’s also like I have a feeling they don’t like me like that (cuz we aro brothers) or, even if they do, it’ll end up in a break up cuz I can’t love ppl normally.

IDK… maybe I could beg and plead to be like the kinda relationship I want. Super close best friends or aka qpr, but man I’m so scared to mention anything like that cuz I seriously don’t wanna lose another friend.

Either way, I appreciate listening to me. I had a lot of hate to myself in the past, but I’m accepting who I am and I’m still a proud aro—it’s my favorite thing about myself—but this scenario feels like the plot of a movie… “a person who can’t keep love falls in love… with another loveless!?” Cue the 1940s title card bum bum BUUMMM

ok sorry but u get the point. What do I do. Thank you

Je pose la question car je pense que je suis aroace depuis quelques semaines.

J'ai deja pensé.e etre tomber amoureux.se au collège, mais je pense que c'etais surtout de l'admiration, et que je me sentais un peu obligé.e a cause de la société. (Lorsque j'etais en primaire, j'etais dégouté.e par la romance et me disais que je ne tomberais jamais amoureux.se, alors même que je shipais tout mes personnages de dessins animés entre eux... ^^')

Mais, je ne pense pas que je ressentes d'attirance romantique ou sexuelle pour autant, meme si je dirait que je suis plutôt sex-favorable.

Or, j'ai grandi avec l'idée que je trouverai quelqu'un dans ma vie, et, j'ai un peu de mal a me défaire de cette idée. J'ai pensé a une QPR, mais, je pense qu'il est trop tôt pour moi pour me mettre dans une ambiguïté, meme platonique, (et avec quelqu'un de mon age) alors que je ne suis même pas sur de ce que je ressens...

Merci d'avoir lu, j'ai hâte de lire vos conseils, xoxo💋💕

I made my own flag which consists of 3 flags, which is also personalisable in: any form of asexual +any form of aromantic + any orientation. the part behind the triangle is the one where the orien matters (if orientation matters for both you can just choose)

I wish I wasn't all of the things that I am. But since it's an aroace subreddit, I'll keep the vent to that. I would do ANYTHING to not be aroace. I wish I had never found out. I hate that I didn't even mean to. It's been more than a decade and at times.. I think I'm fine, but I'm not. I'm so not fine with being aroace, etc.

I wish I could change it. God knows I have tried (not in that way) but of course, it didn't work. I wish it did though.

I am so disgusted with myself that I'm ugly-sobbing and have been breaking down over it..for hours now

"Your partner is supposed to take priority over your friends"
"We're just friends."
"But I'll still love you, too! It's just platonic relationships can't compare to how romance feels."
"He's my boyfriend, what am I supposed to do?"
What am I supposed to do?

I know they're not saying it outright, but what else does it add up to?
Every aroace person I know dates, or comes back out as allo and starts dating again.

That is when I find them.

I know this is bad to do, but I just stopped my friendships.
I stopped talking, I'm still polite in passing, but I don't ask to go out anymore.
I don't try to make new friends.
It just hurts too much now.
I'm a stand in, at best I'm third wheel.
While everyone has their 'soulmate', I'm expected to be okay as a permanent supporting cast to everyone.
They like it like that.

I have to stop myself from getting too attached because I know it'll be one sided, it'll hurt too much.

I hate how this works so much. It leaves a physical pain always in my chest.

I’ve only recently made my peace with being aroace and every now and then, a memory will come to me of my childhood or adolescence that makes me either cringe or go “ohhh… yeah so I’ve just always been aroace.”

Today, as I was having breakfast, I remembered the time I accidentally became my school’s Cupid when I was 13.

This was back in 2016- oof- So like everyone else, it starts with a canon event…

Everyone my age was getting obsessed with dating and sex and all convo shifted to being about who they had crushes on and all the drama that came from someone else liking them etc.

(I’m 22 now and I’ve only ever had 3 crushes. And even then, they were queer-platonic crushes. I’m also autistic so this plays a huge factor too)

Everyone seemed so damn confused about what was right and wrong for relationships and sex and I got really annoyed because oh my god how hard is it to just go up to them and say straight up “do you want to hang out?” Simple.

So I learned everything I could about relationships and sex from books and TV and stuff and then every time a friend told me their problems, I became the advice friend because I just wanted to STOP hearing about the yearning.

Soon, people were randomly approaching me while I was lining up for classes and eating lunch because they wanted “love advice” - even kids from the older years too. It was… weird.

Unfortunately, people started to assume that this meant I was some kind of serial-dater. It didn’t help that when a friend of mine asked me out, I thought he meant in a friend way and when another friend asked me out too, I got accused of two-timing and my response was:

“😐 wait. I’m only allowed 1 friend?… I have to pick one?…”

I was (at the time I thought) a good Cupid for everyone else but myself lol

so uhhh yeah. That was the time I became my school’s playground Cupid lmao.

IMPORTANT: Only talking about romance which is happening in real life and includes you! Not how you see others partaking or what you fantasize about.

Wanted to post in r/aromantic but it was removed... So posting it here!

Listen, me no like smex or romance.

But women.

((I just like leaning towards women in other forms. Also I managed to hide everything as welll, thank you everyone that helped! :D))