as an AFAB nb, i feel similarly. but also i have seen AMAB NBs be treated even worse than AFAB NBs in queer spaces, which is trash. i thought "theyfab" was bad but no some queer spaces legit come up with borderline conspiracy thinking to justify their hatred of AMABs and say they're fakers who just want to feel included or infiltrate queer spaces.
I've definitely had some instances where my nonbinary identity felt mostly discarded by some people, until I mentioned that I was on hrt. Then suddenly using they/them for me got easier? It can be very frustrating feeling like you have to be "trans enough" to be seen as valid, and I can only imagine how frequently more masc presenting nbs get that treatment. It really comes down to people trying to shove nonbinary folks into one of two gendered boxes at the end of the day.
Not long ago I came to the conclusion I am non-binary, and informed my partner. She's fully on-board with it but struggles to keep it in mind - so she ends up referring to me in the masculine and as a man. It is fine for me, as I was brought up as masculine, but it kinda stings.
I have not come out to anyone else in my life, and I feel it will be difficult for them to get to terms with it.
Learning it is this hard in the queer community for AMAB NBs kinda hurts. I'm sorry you have gone through this hardship. I see you. Be yourself and stay strong.
I will say, while there are definitely struggles with getting people to acknowledge you for who you are, there are also people out there who will accept you and see you for you. Even with the difficulties I've faced I'm still happier than I've ever been by just being myself, it's still very much worth it.
The early days are rough, but I hope your partner is able to adjust and see you for you, and that you can have more acceptance within your circles soon. Even having just one person being accepting can be a huge help. I see you as well, and I hope you'll continue to be yourself and stay strong as well <3
Im only out to my friend group and a single family member and you are so right.
Im still closeted in most situations due to safety with family, and just people's gendered assumptions in public
But the fact that i have a space where my pronouns and gender are wholeheartedly accepted and I am seen as myself truly does soothe the burn from my burning closet.
Thank you for your kind words to the other commentor ❤️
Hi, your comment and the one you replied to made me sad, so I apologize if you feel this perspective is unwarranted, but I offer it in hopes that it might make you feel a little more seen.
I am a male who has been in a relationship with an AFAB NB for the past 7 years. “They/ them” is now fully integrated into my subconscious, I don’t even have to think about it, but it wasn’t that way when we started dating.
They had to give me a lot of grace because I messed it up often. I always felt terrible after doing so. They were the first NB person I had regularly interacted with. It took some getting used to.
I never once felt like they were asking too much, and made sure to reinforce the pronouns around my friends/ family I introduced them to so they didn’t have to feel like they constantly had to explain themselves or be validated. It took effort, but it was worth it because now I feel like I see them and other trans people how they actually want to be seen.
My partner also struggled to feel validated by other queer communities. I wish they had more trans/ queer friends because even though I love them and see them, I can never truly understand what that dysphoria feels like. But they are loved and seen by me, my friends and family.
I guess what I’m getting at is that I can’t imagine how much anxiety you must feel about coming out beyond your GF, but if she loves you and you love her, I hope you trust that her mistakes are not to invalidate you, she will get better at it and can help be a bridge to introducing the real you to everyone else.
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u/narielthetrue Jul 31 '26
I’m an AMAB NB. It’s definitely just much easier to hide it than try to explain it to everyone.
And I’ve never felt welcome in queer spaces as I’ve been too CISHET passing… despite the fact I’m neither