In this specific context it's going to always be a problem. Woman need to always be on guard because of how they've been treated by a not insignificant number of men in the past.
So as a counter-balance other men try to ask in a way that gives them a safe exit. Part of that involves trying to avoid coming on too strong. Which you are doing by telling her how you feel and also saying you're going to possibly follow up at a later date.
You ask them out by saying something like "Do you want to get coffee on Thursday?" and if they say "no" the correct response is "OK bye" and just end the conversation. Do not respond by hinting that you want to try again in the future hoping she will change her mind. If the day you selected doesn't work it's up to her to offer a better day and reschedule. Don't try to guess when they are free, take it as a "no".
tl;dr if a woman says no to an invite without offering any alternative arrangements you end the conversation.
That is a very good explanation of why that's awkward, thanks. I knew it was awkward but I would have had trouble explaining why. "You have to provide them a safe exit" is going into my explaining things bucket.
A safe exit physically and emotionally. It’s very uncomfortable for NT people to directly reject someone, so leaving some ambiguity cushions the blow for both parties.
“Hey wanna get coffee next week?”
“Oh sorry I’m busy” = maybe I’m busy or maybe I’m just not interested but you can plausibly assume I’m just busy and don’t have to feel as rejected
“I think you’re cute and I’d like to get to know you better.”
“…no thanks?” = I have no alternative except to tell you explicitly that I’m not attracted to you and I’m not interested in getting to know you.
That said, a direct approach like that will work sometimes; you just have to make sure it’s non-threatening and expect to smile and walk away if you get a no.
Wait, where is the part about trying again coming from? Did the other autistic person above me in the thread edit their comment or something and I missed it? That wasn’t suggest anywhere I can see. And of course if someone says no you should gracefully accept.
The problem is when you say things like "you wanna talk some time". Don't leave things unclear or open ended. It's either "now" or at a very specific time and place in the future. Then it's up to her to say otherwise. The point is to try to make everything into a clear yes or no answer. Either this specific date works for her or it doesn't and she offers a different one.
Men that can't take no for an answer tend to use unclear terms like "some time" in an attempt to probe or see what sticks. The counter is the take it or leave it approach.
This is one where I’m gonna have to take your word for it because it seems functionally identical to me. You’ve approached, expressed your intent, and given them a comfortable wiggle room to say no without feeling bad.
Plus approaching with a specific time like that feels too domineering to me.
I'm going to be honest with you, as a straight autistic dude, I want exactly zero people coming up and talking to me while I'm at the gym. Women receive enough direct and indirect advances as it is. I dont think your suggested approach improves the situation.
As another autistic, following on what you said: the purpose of the ambiguous possibly-inane opener is to check in about whether the other person is open to interaction at all.
Well personally I don’t do any of this because I have no idea how to interact with NT people anyway. Just trying to understand people a little more I guess, even if I end up not really “getting” it
You can just tack on "or another day if that works for you?". But you do have to give a specific date and time in addition to that. You're trying to set her up for being able to say "no" or "yes" in as many different ways as possible.
So because I have a lot of time on my hands and asking someone else when they have time because that aproach just leads to a quicker result, I'm being creepy? Good to know. Not that I need it, I'm in a stable relationship
As another autistic person I feel the sentiment but also feel like in general it'd be better to do it in like a straightforward/reasonable progression i.e one hang out, second time hang out expressing "I feel like we are comfortable with each other and I just want to say-..." And laying it all out there. That way you aren't setting someone up to be a deer in headlights but also not being coy about everything.
Like others said though the gym is always just gonna be bad haha
In the best world it's "uphill awkward battle", in worse/most cases it's straight up harassment
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u/TyWorth 6d ago
As another autistic person, lord do I wish this was normal. Why do we have to be coy about everything?