There are a lot of families that pound into their kids a lot of things about how you have to help women and if you don't your a monster who everyone will hate
Eventually the fear wears off but the habit remains
It becomes the default to help carry things, hold the door, or just do simple task
They aren't trying to say you're incompetent or incapable or even trying to be mean
They aren't looking down on you or trying to say that you're not able to do it yourself
They have just been told if they are not helpful they are worthless
i was raised a gentleman, so wanting to hold the door is just second nature
however gentlemen should also be able to allow someone else to hold the door. ill speed up to get the door first to be a gentleman but if someone else is already holding the door i will offer to take it and if they say "no" than you thank them and walk through. trying to fight over the door is rude, disrespectful, and ungentlemanly behavior. the converse should also be true though imo, if a gentleman offers to take the door from a lady then the lady should allow herself to be pampered, especially in this day and age where chivalry is on a serious decline. it isnt a weird or misogynistic thing to offer to be a gentleman unless you start a fight over it.
ladies, let us gentlemen pamper you gals a bit, and gentlemen, respect the ladies. i also agree with other comments that mention if you are both part of different groups to try and insist (again, keep it respectful, maybe even mention you are part of a group to explain the why) on taking over the door.
same goes for car doors, chairs, jackets, umbrellas, tea/coffee/hot cocoa, bags, etc. just offer, if the lady says no then respect the decision and maybe use it as an excuse to snag the door because she is carrying bags or the umbrella or what have you. nothing wrong with offering, and nothing wrong with refusing. everything wrong with insisting to the point of it becoming an issue
This is how I was raised in the south. It was literally pounded and beat into my f****** head that you, the man
must treat the ladies properly, hold doors, throw your jacket over a puddle, so they can cross it s*** like that. I just do it subconsciously, at this point I don't even think about it
For me, it’s not necessarily that I’m worthless, but rather that it is a show that I do have manners and a gentleman. In a way, it adds to my worth?(again, not that I’m worthless if I don’t do it). But I see it can be taken to that extreme
They aren't trying to say you're incompetent or incapable or even trying to be mean
They aren't looking down on you or trying to say that you're not able to do it yourself
That is the origin of those stupid practices and it's the kind of culture those practices create. These guys may or may not be bad people on an individual level, but they are participants in the system. How we were raised isn't our fault, but being better than our parents is our responsibility.
I've long since learned you often can't find rhyme or reason in why anything gets upvoted or downvoted.
In this case what probably happened was that my comment kind of "felt" like it was blaming guys for being raised a certain way - I explicitly said the opposite, but the first few people to read my comment read it as being more combative than it was, so it got downvoted a little. Then other people just sort of followed their lead.
Then when I made my position more clear further into the thread my posts got upvoted because the vibes were clearly not combative.
I wouldn't mind so much if the guys that do this shit would just listen to the many, many times women politely explain to them that what they're doing is inappropriate and sexist.
Every time I have tried, this Type of Guy has doubled down and insisted that I should just put up with having my space and autonomy violated because he's "trying to be nice" and "it's just how he was raised"
🤷 I was explicit that these guys can be good people and that it's not their fault how they were raised. I pushed back on the idea that this absolves us of any responsibility to change our behaviour once we learn what's wrong with it.
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u/runnerhasnolife 7d ago edited 6d ago
Yes
There are a lot of families that pound into their kids a lot of things about how you have to help women and if you don't your a monster who everyone will hate
Eventually the fear wears off but the habit remains
It becomes the default to help carry things, hold the door, or just do simple task
They aren't trying to say you're incompetent or incapable or even trying to be mean
They aren't looking down on you or trying to say that you're not able to do it yourself
They have just been told if they are not helpful they are worthless