Yeah....I'm an autistic woman, and NO THANKS. It would be a bit different if I was already very familiar with the man, but a stranger being that forward and putting me on the spot like that is just probably going to cause a shutdown.
I would feel a lot of pressure from someone I don't even know. Like sir, why are you expecting me to go out of my way to talk to you when I have no idea who you are and know nothing about you?
That’s interesting, I’d be the total opposite. If someone just came by and laid it all out for once I’d be ecstatic. I can either politely decline, or accept, and the air is cleared. Just goes to show that if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.
It's situational for me. 99% of the time, I really wish people would be direct.
But a stranger-man at a gym I regularly go to is not something I would want that kind of directness from. I hardly speak as it is and am in constant overwhelm already.
If it was a man who I already knew well, then I might like that. If I wasn't interested, I'd be a bit awkward-flattered and decline, but it would cause me to feel a bit weird every time I saw him at the gym, and we'd have to cross paths. That would possibly make me a little uncomfortable being there.
If I was interested, then I would appreciate the directness, but feel a bit pressured even still. That statement implies that he is expecting us to speak the next time we see each other, like he is making me decide in that moment what our interactions going forwards from there should include. I'd be going to the gym panicking and internally scripting conversations, which takes up a LOT of my spoons and really not something I want to be doing.
I don't always want to speak and enjoy bonding by quiet parallel play (heck, sometimes I literally can't speak due to situational mutism), and then if I don't speak or don't speak much, I feel like I would have failed an agreement, which triggers a you didn't keep your word! unfair bell which drives me crazy with guilt.
I would really rather just interactions happen organically if they feel natural in the moment, than gradual closeness over time and accumulated familiarity (familiarity=comfort to me, which is super important)! Then overt romantic signalling is optimal, I probably wouldn't vibe with anything other than gentle courtship.
A man I don't know at a place we both frequent coming up to me like that is going to freak me out, even if he's nice.
Way less annoying than having to try to guess the intentions of all those guys, or try to work out a non-offensive way of saying “hey I think you might be hitting on me even though you haven’t directly said so, and I don’t want to waste your time so I’ll just tell you now that I’m not interested.”
For every single one of those you would have 30 that would only say the small sentence since in this hypothetical scenario is "normalized" and "good" and whatever you are saying is not that normalized
For me, I really need familiarity, which can build over time, where I see them and natural interactions may happen. I'm AuADHD and am super overwhelmed by a LOT, I don't even speak to strangers unless necessary, then gradually get comfortable with people over a long time.
I am NOT the outgoing autist like my brother who has zero issues going to random people and asking the most random things. I'm the type that has shutdowns and goes mute if faced with a stranger engaging with me under certain contexts.
I elaborated more in my other comment!
Agreed, neurodivergency is a spectrum. Me and my brother are pretty much opposites in presentation in every way, you sound similar to him.
Also, you could not even pay me to touch dating apps, ever.
(Reply to your edit: I get shutdowns from both 😭. I went mute upon meeting my brother's girlfriend for the first few times and needed to go to the ladies bathroom to take a breath even though I didn't even say anything. And I am EXTREMELY sensitive sensory-wise. Even exposure to totally normal levels of sunlight, or sometimes even music playing will cause shutdowns. I need to go outside with sunglasses and ear defenders. My brother doesn't have any of that, he just gets meltdowns from frustration if things don't go the way he planned them to, and that is it. We are both level 2.)
Yeah, but its the same for women and men: one bad apple spoils the bunch. Women are always on the defensive to how to react towards men, because a few creeps gave them reason to. And guys have to be careful of who they try to flirt with because of a few girls they've interacted with or seen videos of. How are we to know if we go up and try to ask you out, that you don't get super offended and then go to the staff and make up some lie about what was said to you to get us banned from the gym. Is it likely to happen? Probably not, but because its happened once there's always a chance it can happen again. And also, a lot of us are normal, respectful people, and know that girls get hit on all the time, and don't want to add to the list by just randomly asking simply because we are at the same place on earth at the same moment of time. Plus, we know attractive girls are usually already in relationships, because they usually don't stay single for long, so know there is a very low likelihood of anything happening.
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u/_StarPuff_ 6d ago
Yeah....I'm an autistic woman, and NO THANKS. It would be a bit different if I was already very familiar with the man, but a stranger being that forward and putting me on the spot like that is just probably going to cause a shutdown.
I would feel a lot of pressure from someone I don't even know. Like sir, why are you expecting me to go out of my way to talk to you when I have no idea who you are and know nothing about you?
Maybe that's just a me problem though.