How do I exit a difficult work dynamic?

[u/Western-Monk-2728]

TLDR: I've developed a recurring work dynamic with a PL/EM/M where I find it very difficult to say no to requests. I've tried setting limits, but they often get pushed, and I'm worried that involving other leadership will just result in me being asked to help anyway. How do I break this pattern without creating unnecessary conflict?

I've been working with a PL/EM/M for over an year, and I've become someone they rely on heavily for certain work. Although I recently rolled off their project, I’m still being pulled in occasionally.

The problem is that I'm not good at holding my boundaries with someone I've known for long once the conversation starts. Something that begins as a small request can become much more time-consuming, and I end up agreeing because they are under pressure.

If I try to decline, I'm also worried the request will be escalated to previous project leadership/my current leadership, who may see that I have some capacity and ask me to support "just for a bit." That makes it difficult to simply say no without creating a bigger issue.

I'm also being asked to participate in an upcoming CXO meeting related to the old work. I don't want to be involved anymore, but I'm worried that agreeing to even attend could turn into me driving the discussion, which I'm already being pushed to do.

I don't think the PL/EM/P is necessarily acting maliciously (very smartly though). We've just developed a working dynamic that I'm finding increasingly difficult to get out of, and I know I also play a role because I struggle to hold firm once they starts pushing.

For people who've dealt with something similar: how did you actually break the pattern? Any practical ways to handle the next request without either getting pulled back in or turning it into a confrontation. Please don't suggest me to "build boundaries" when I am clearly struggling with this person. It is a specific scenario where this PL/EM/M does not respect my boundaries. I have not really faced this with most of the other leaders/managers

The whole situation is quite complicated. Happy to share more context over DMs, since it is quite fresh and I don't want to include identifying details.

UPDATE: I ended up discussing this with my project leadership. They were surprisingly supportive and asked me to loop them in if anything like this happens again.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I didn't want to involve the project leadership before since it's my first time working with these folks (I found it uncomfortable to drag them into this fiasco during the first week itself) and this PL/EM/M has negotiated their way through similar situations before (one actually happened to me last year). I just wanted to move on from the ghost of past (projects), especially during a project where I finally have some time for myself

[u/lucabrasi999]

“No, I am busy with these other tasks. Sorry.”

EDIT: if that doesn’t work, try “Is this billable work and what is the code I can use?”

[u/Western-Monk-2728 → u/lucabrasi999]

They let me use the code for billing. That has not been the issue. Might even let me bill a couple extra hours just to make me work with them.

Had tried the former multiple times this week. They were willing to talk to the leadership of my current project to figure out a way. I don't want this fiasco to reach my current leadership.

[u/minhthemaster → u/Western-Monk-2728]

I don't want this fiasco to reach my current leadership.

why?

[u/Western-Monk-2728 → u/minhthemaster]

Just started working with this leadership and they are providing me a decent wlb (i.e. nothing is urgent).

If my previous PL/EM/M reaches out to them, they will likely agree for 1-2 hrs support, which I don't want since I know that this person will exploit this opportunity and extend it late at nights. I'm currently using my "current project urgency" cover, which will not work if leadership told them the reality (nothing is urgent on my current project but it will be eventually urgent and then I'll be grinding through that)

[u/minhthemaster → u/Western-Monk-2728]

that still doesnt explain why you dont want it to reach your current leadership, that doesnt make any sense

[u/throwawayaccount931A → u/minhthemaster]

Exactly - honestly, that is the best thing that could happen.

OR their productivity slips, and they're taking to leadership about something totally different.

[u/lucabrasi999 → u/Western-Monk-2728]

1) is it an actual client billable code? Or is it just BD bullshit?

2) or say “No, I am busy with my current work”

Just learn to say “No”. They have no say in your career. This sounds like it is all on you.

[u/Western-Monk-2728 → u/lucabrasi999]

1. Actual client code
2. I've said no. I just don't want them to go to extreme measures to involve other leaders to this and go on convincing them

[u/lucabrasi999 → u/Western-Monk-2728]

As someone else asked, why wouldn’t you want to engage your leadership? Your leadership will back you up. And if they don’t then they suck as leaders.

Just say “No”. And decline any meetings they scheduled. And tell your leadership you are done with them.

[u/lucabrasi999 → u/Western-Monk-2728]

Worst case, demand a client billable code and bill them for a full week of work. That will stop them.

[u/Other_Tourist1031 → u/lucabrasi999]

You're missing the point. He said the PL just steamrolls past that and escalates. It's not about finding the right magic phrase, it's about the dynamic where saying no to this person carries consequences.

The update is interesting though. Project leadership backing you changes the calculus a lot. If this PL tries to pull you in again, you've got explicit permission to not engage and just flag it. That's a real shield, not just words.

[u/icefromantarctica]

I would talk to my current leadership team that my previous team reaching out to me and still involved me, and I want you to help rejecting their request so that I can focus on current project.

[u/Bernhard-Welzel]

I have seen similar issues.

What might work: say "yes" and also become transparent with your workload and let then prioritize.

"Sure. I can do this. Can you quickly tell me the priority? I have work items A, B, C, D, E already in my backlog. Where does the new task fit in? Oh, you want to put it on #1? Have you checked with PL/EM who this work item is for?"

But, depending on the culture/project the painful answer might be: just work much harder. Are you already at a 16h/6d schedule? If not, stop complaining and get your stuff done yesterday :-) (i do not endorse the reality of some companies, but it is what it is).