r/daddit • u/MisterSanitation • Sep 11 '26
Story The canoe has tipped
I always said to my wife “we have two people in this damn canoe and we can’t both freak out at once!”
She’s been my best friend for 15 years and we have little kids. we just can’t… a 3 year old and a 1 year old and we can’t do anything… We can’t keep up with the garden, the yard is barely ever holding together and I see the head shakes from neighbors. We both have maximized home time with our work schedules but this means a routine is almost impossible since she is in healthcare working 7 12 hour shifts overnight and then 2 weeks off while I work Mon-Wed every week and solo dad while she is gone.
Its still not enough. parents making comments on how many toys are out, the state of the yard, quizzing us about “what we did” when they watched them because we are trying to make up for lost time with babysitting (no dates lol no chance we sweat and try and keep up). No reason to plan anything, by the time it arrives we are exhausted and just feel guilty we were dumb enough to hope for any time to ourselves.
We aren’t struggling financially (yet) and basically can’t get upside down on our house which is huge I know… But I don’t like this. I worked so hard on my mental health before the kids came and REALLY made improvements, but I’m back…
There is no village. There is no backup. No friends to relate to, no parents who can provide anything that makes me feel better. Kids aren’t progressing like we’d hope they would, making us question everything. Parks feel completely isolated, alone surrounded by people who avoid eye contact like I am wearing a shirt that says “scary pedophile”. I always got along with women more than men, always preferred their conversation (no mower talk), but when he is playing with other kids the parents just treat him and me like we are invisible.
The canoe tipped. We’re both now depressed, hating ourselves, and doing our best to fake it to the kids while they enjoy the moment in a way I can only envy now. I used to be able to do that… I’m getting crushed, drowned, just absolute despair.
272
u/Final_boss_1040 Sep 11 '26 edited Sep 11 '26
- You can't expect a 1 and 3 year old to "progress" as expected. Their growth is non-linear
- Fuck the neighbors, does your house have active leaks? Is it habitable? Mold? If there's nothing pressing, just say fuck it and make your one daily goal to just corall the toys in one section of the yard each night.
- Get a babysitter. Get someone random from care.com if you have too. Go see a movie like once every 3 months just for a breather
- Everyone at the playground is as tapped out as you are. Don't take it personally.
- You've been with you're wife for 15 years. You owe it to you both to "ride it out" for the next 15 months. You can re-evaluate then. It sucks now but I promise it won't suck forever
22
11
u/frumply Sep 11 '26
Yeah, if the neighbors can’t understand that op is barely treading water with a 1 and 3 yr old they either need to help or stfu.
3
u/oddemarspiguet Sep 11 '26 edited Sep 11 '26
My friend had a heart attack in his 30’s because of the worst work/life balance imaginable (basically no life). He and his wife who were also together since teenagers hit a rough patch too. His yard was abysmal.
When he was in the hospital I got some of the boys together and we tore that motherf*cker up (the yard….not him) and put down some artificial turf. Is that an option for you?
21
u/ElementreeCr0 Sep 11 '26
Artificial turf is not a simple or good change. It's a dramatic introduction of microplastics into your kids lives and environment.
Hiring a mower makes a lot more sense, or just ignore it, overgrown grass is not that big a deal. Just have a mower open up areas and paths for kids to play or code enforcement to chill and you're good to go.
1
74
u/Cal_768 Sep 11 '26
We have three sons. Ages 6, 4, and 1...but the older two at 3 and 1 was probably the worst time we've ever had (probably that I've ever had). Even compared to now with three because those ages are just so hard. That's when any issues you have as a couple should come out in a big way (personal mental health or relational issues).
It will be really hard to get through this time period, but it does actually pass.
Don't be afraid to take shortcuts like takeout if you can afford it. Sometimes I'd just drive the boys to a far away Chik-fil-a so they could eat waffle fries in the car listening to music while my wife cleaned/slept/showered/whatever was needed.
8
u/Consistent_Laziness Sep 11 '26
O I really like this. I’ll take them to the grocery store with me at times to push them in the cart and get them out the house from her but I like take out better
37
u/Madmeerkat55 Sep 11 '26
Respectfully. Fuck your neighbours, fuck your parents. They don't like it? They can offer to help clean. You guys will get through this. Keep on keeping on
119
u/Talongar Sep 11 '26
Your kids will not remember a messy room or overgrown garden. They will remember the love and time you give to them.
When you die, and you will actually die one day. (incase you hadn't thought about it lately)
All that will be left of your time alive on this planet is those children. Your neighbors and other parents won't remember your name let alone who you were. But those children will have an imprint of you on them for the rest of time and that will shape the imprint they leave on their children.. ad infinity.
Literally nothing else matters man, take a few deep breathes, life's gonna keep happening, do what you can to enjoy it and stay healthy.
Be gentle with each other!
5
2
u/Flat-Performance-478 Sep 11 '26
Yeah if it's not primarily about the financial side of things, which is where I'd say 90% of parents struggle, then just provide food for your family and roof over your heads, then the rest is mostly a state of mind.
I know the social construct of western society has changed but if you're not afraid to get evicted or have to spend your entire food budget on an unexpected expense etc. then you and your spouse could in theory pop on sombreros, share an edible, take the kids and pop 'em into the car, go to the beach or park, amusement park, whatever and just enjoy each other.
Let go of the minor things (which includes if stuff are dirty, if you got McD twice this week or you forgot tooth brushing one night because they fell asleep or something) an prioritize mental health.
Tell yourself and each other "it's not life or death if we missed [xyz], not being stressed out is imperative", look at your kids while they eat ice cream and think about how much you love them and that this moment could be the very last moment you share together. Then give them a big smile with that thought in the back of your head, tell them you love them with only your eyes.
0
56
u/Which_Shock1117 Sep 11 '26
You are in the trenches. I get it - I was a type A yard and house organization guy. Now (6, 4, 1.5y/o) it’s all gone to shit and you know what? I’m over caring what the neighbors think. I know someday I’ll be mowing the grass on a regular basis and desperately wish I could be with my young kids again.
Perfect lawn syndrome is a trap.
17
u/Free-Artist Sep 11 '26
Perfect lawn syndrome is a trap.
This, screw the lawn. Who cares what the neighbours think!
First of all, the US obsession with perfect lawns is ridiculous: a healthy messy garden with native plants and flowers is much better for nature and also prettier to look at.
And also it puts an unreasonable pressure on you to keep it perfect, with time and energy you simply do not have.
So let it be overgrown, drop the burden on your shoulder and start caring again in a few years only when you want to and have the energy again to do it, definitely not now or any time soon.
26
u/arejay00 Sep 11 '26
I started feeling better about everything that goes into parenting when I accepted that our kids need us a lot less than we think they do. I started focusing on my own wellbeing and working towards becoming the type of dad my kids will be admire 10 years down the line, and that is not a divorced, depressed, out of shape dad. Our home became happier because I was becoming happier. You can’t have a happy home without happy parents.
5
u/myphriendmike Sep 11 '26
Marraige comes first. It’s the prerequisite. Your wife is more important than your children. Hard to hear but true. I wish I recognized this when I was in the trenches like you.
81
u/Good_Policy3529 Sep 11 '26
Three-year old and one-year old?
Yep, that was also the most soul-crushing time of my life as well.
Wait until they're like six and four and things will be much easier. I promise.
You got this dad 👊🏻
58
u/just_let_go_ Sep 11 '26
I'm probably going to get downvoted, but telling someone "Just wait 3 years bro" is insane advice to someone struggling.
62
u/abadonn Sep 11 '26
I dunno. This too shall pass mentality got me though a lot of long nights.
5
u/pubaccountant Sep 11 '26
Lol I strongly considered getting that mantra tattooed on my arm when our first was an infant, and then again when we had a second infant.
5
u/just_let_go_ Sep 11 '26 edited Sep 11 '26
Of course, me too. I'm not saying it's wrong, it's just a bit of a broken record at this point and falls a little flat. I don't think many Dads get a comment like this and go "Just wait huh? Gee, I never thought of that before! Problem solved!"
9
u/Alarmed-Telephone-83 Sep 11 '26
Its more of a 'ahh, reassurance from 200 people who have been in this situation before that it does get better". We are a self doubting species who are reassured by the experiences of others. Sometimes you just need to hear what you know from someone else.
11
u/Tossawaysfbay Sep 11 '26
“Just wait until retirement, then you can travel and do whatever you want all day!”
1
u/TheTwatTwiddler Sep 11 '26
Honestly though, I have a 4 and 2 year old and we're having a great year compared to last year. That was the fucking trenches man.
2
u/OHotDawnThisIsMyJawn Sep 11 '26
Yeah when our boys were 3 & 1 my wife and I got to a point where we were days from divorce.
At 4.5 and 2.5 now and everything’s great.
12
u/seneeb Sep 11 '26
If yalls parents are able to come over enough to note toys and stuff being out, they're over enough to fucking help.
It takes a damned village. Sounds like y'all don't have a village.
So, stop caring about what outsiders think if they aren't willing to help
9
u/HauntingUpstairs7014 Sep 11 '26
If the first complaint in a thread like this is that “the yard” isn’t as nice as you’d like…. I think you’re doing better than you expect.
I dream of having time and energy to worry about yard maintenance.
3
u/MechEGoneNuclear Sep 11 '26
Even the r/lawncare community often chimes in that they’d rather have a dead spot around a swingset and weeds than a putting green because of the kids that cause it
7
u/knefr Sep 11 '26
It fucking sucks. We only have one but I can’t take care of myself or the house. We both work full time+ in demanding jobs. The kid is awesome but everything else is so much freaking harder and we have it easy compared to many.
I’m so glad we did this but I would never judge someone for not doing it if that makes sense.
13
u/tommyl86 Sep 11 '26
It's rough, but temporary!
Stop giving a shit what neighbors think about your yard. It's your yard, you paid for it. They can look away if it bugs them that much.
7
u/Western-Feeling2093 Sep 11 '26
Mine are 1 and 2, so I’m not as far along as you. Keep on trucking so the guys coming up after you have something positive to aim for.
6
u/Aggravating_Hold_441 Sep 11 '26
Hope it gets better , we have no village either & after having kids I realize why generations stayed close / raised kids with their families.
7
u/frommstuttgart Sep 11 '26
There’s a lot I am not qualified to help with in this post but in the nicest possible way… fuck the neighbors.
1
u/SheepherderMost2727 Sep 11 '26
Especially when a lot of them have outside help to get the yard work done too.
6
u/BreakfastOk163 Sep 11 '26
Lurking mom here:
I had a therapist explain it to me this way once :
Everything you are responsible for is a ball you are juggling : your health / your kids health / your job / your yard ... all the way down to brushing your teeth etc. When you have little kids you have to accept that you are going to drop some balls, you just have to decide which balls are rubber and which ones are glass.
One and three is hard. You have a toddler and a baby who wants to be a toddler. There is no time for anything. If finances are ok, it's ok to pay for the village. Care.com is great, if you aren't comfortable leaving your kids alone with a sitter hire a mother's helper. She plays with the kids while you are home. Yesterday my husband and I paid our regular Thursday night sitter and spent our four hours fixing the air conditioner 😂😂😂. It wasn't sexy or fun, but it had to get done and it was together time. We talked without a little one screaming over us while we did. It gets easier.
11
u/Venkat_American Sep 11 '26
The birds are always gonna be out, ignore the chirping especially when the birds can't be bothered to do anything helpful.
We have some birds too.
1
u/secondphase Pronouns: Dad/Dada/Daddy Sep 11 '26
Ironically sometimes I ignore the birds so I can go birdwatching. Oh! Look at that! Theres a painted bunting hanging out in the lawn I mowed last month. Let's mark that on the Merlin ap.
16
u/dadjo_kes Sep 11 '26
It's worth having a conversation with your parents about how you're feeling. If you have, have a direct conversation. If you have, have a more direct conversation.
You guys need a break, they are not giving you one, and they might actually want to. Give them a chance to help you in a way that will be actually meaningful to you.
5
u/reddituser1306 Sep 11 '26
I also have a 3.5 year old and an 11.5mth old, I sympathise entirely. 1 foot in front of the other and we'll laugh about it in the future I'm sure.
5
u/I_ride_ostriches Sep 11 '26
The first three years are the hardest. It took over a year for my wife to feel normal, which I assume is related to the post pregnancy hormone fluctuations.
Also, focus on what’s important. Let the neighbors judge. Figure out what your wife needs to feel supported and how to make that happen. Hang in there.
5
u/ImaginationNo7722 Sep 11 '26
I need you to breathe......
Give the kids a hug or a high five.....
You've got this!!!!
6
u/BetterDrinkMy0wnPiss Sep 11 '26
It sounds like your parents want to help, they want to give you time off. Let them know the truth, how severe the situation is. Let them help.
Also if you're in a good financial situation, hire a gardener and a cleaner. Even as a once off, getting the house and garden under control will make it a lot easier to keep under control. If you can afford it, make it a fortnightly or monthly thing.
It gets easier. You just have to do whatever you need to get through until it does.
2
u/jballa03 Sep 11 '26
Brother, I have been here. Get. Help. Now. Check out the local Mom groups on Facebook, care.com, or any of the others suggested here. You want to do the yard? Want to workout? Maybe do anything work related while they’re home? Great, then pay someone to come a few days a week for even a few hours. It is worth every dime and doesn’t come with all the familial strings attached with your parents being the caretakers. They can see how things are going and haven’t offered yet. You’re better off accepting it’s not their thing and, honestly, the parent/grandparent things comes with all sorts of weird strings attached that might make things worse for your family.
Find a nanny looking for extra help work or between families. Or a babysitter. Look around at the park. Check out Facebook. If you’re able to, and it sounds like you are, then pay for the help. Have them take your kids to the park, babysit so you can take your wife to lunch, help with anything basic around the house like dishes and/or laundry (this is a “Mommy’s helper”, but I call her my favorite person because she helps me stay sane.)
One last thing about the hulk hands, it just sounds like they want you to play with them. Are you on your phone or computer at home with them? You’re their whole world right now. Schedule a time every week to go on an adventure (Chick-fil-A on other side of town totally counts, go to a new park, go check out the Children’s Museum, etc). By the sounds of your playroom, I’m hoping you’re getting these kids outside burning off energy 1-2 per day regularly. If you’re feeling burnt out, pick an activity outside the house and introduce them to something new they’ve never seen or experienced. Keep them moving so you don’t have to.
You got this. This is the hardest part. It’s also the part you’ll look back at in a few years and wish they were still that little again. Have fun. Get help to maintain your sanity, to help your wife and your kids.
5
u/Sullacuda Sep 11 '26
It’s just a yard. Fuck your neighbors. It’s just a messy room. Kids are messy.
Are they fed? Are they healthy? Are they happy? You guys are doing just fine.
I’ve been the primary parent married to a medical professional for over a decade and I know how hard that is with your solo with the littles. I’ll tell you a stay home dad to toddler and infant secret: the moms who ostracize you at the park and ignore you and your child? They’re not worth knowing. Focus on playing and having fun with the kids. The one’s worth knowing will see this and socialize she’s the one who aren’t will stay away.
Focus on your unit and not the wider world. You got this. It gets easier.
5
u/Fletcher_Fallowfield Sep 11 '26
Oh brother, I remember this phase and this feeling. Your post is giving me PTSD flashbacks. But look, they'll be 8 and 10 before you know it. I know that feels far away but it's a blink - the days are long but the years are short. Hold on, tend the marriage - TEND. THE. MARRIAGE. - your life comes back, I promise.
5
u/HotSAuceMagik Sep 11 '26
Getting a twice a month housekeeper is my first response to posts like these every single time, because the amount of money you pay pails in comparison to the mental health bonus of having a fairly clean house, even just for a day before it gets trashed by the gremlin again.
My second piece of advice, and this is one that we did, very, very begrudgingly, was to force yourself to go on dates when you do get that support. You are going to complain about it, you are going to feel like you’re doing the wrong thing, but when you get out there, and are sitting with your wife doing whatever, you will more often than not be happy you forced yourself out. We would go to a local brewery for an hour or two and just have a couple of pints and talk, play cards or a game or something. And I’d be lying if we said we did this all that often, maybe two or three times a year if that, but it always helps the mental.
4
u/hayguccifrawg Sep 11 '26
Letting outside comments throw us in a tailspin was a mistake we made. 3 and 1 is so hard. Very likely every year after this will be easier. Hang in there Dad.
4
u/bobaddy23 Sep 11 '26
Regarding your parents, screw em. If they value the time with the kids, and you guys value the break, then their criticism is just noise.
4
u/Lazy-Protection-2241 Sep 11 '26
Screw everyone else. Do you and your wife love your kids? Do you Express that to them? Who cares about the yard and garden? Only one rule of parenthood.... have a Blast with your family.
I treated my son that way. Being a dad was (and still is) the best thing I ever did. I didn't care AT ALL what any one else thought. My son is 31 with a family of his own and still one of my best friends.
Just love your kids and wife and ffff every one else.
Good luck. Lynn
3
u/Stone_Trees Sep 11 '26
It’s fucking yard with toys in it. Who gives a fuck what your Neigbours think. They would be in the exact same position as you if not worse.
5
u/g4rg0yl3 Sep 11 '26
I'm sorry brother, it all sound very familiar... 1 and 3 was horrible for us too and was by far my least favorite time. And I've learned that the village mostly consists of strangers (caretakers, teachers, doctors,...) and very few family members, unfortunately...
Fuck other people, they can judge all they want, they are not in your shoes. Your wife's schedule is super irregular which makes it hard to have a single consistent schedule.
Don't worry about the yard or the toys. You'll get to them one day or another. For the toys, open baskets is what saved us. We could throw things in the baskets at the end of the day without taking the whole night cleaning. But even with that, it was never perfect.
Overall, put your head down and just focus on holdimg the fort for another year, heck even at 18 months the little one is going to be way easier to manage. When mine were 4 and 2, we started to see the light at the end of the tunnel (in a good way!).
Be kind to yourself and your wife!
3
u/LastWaterbender11 Sep 12 '26
As others have said, having kids age 1 & 3 at the same time is a constant battle. Many parents split up with kids at 1 & 3. Keep going. If you're all alive and healthy then you're doing alright.
3
u/gobrice15 Sep 11 '26
It's for the birds caring what others think. Pickup what will help your mental state, dishes and laundry, ignore the rest. It's temporary and. E there for each other. It's hard. We just got past that with a 4 year old and 2 year old, they're insane but hilarious. #3 comes any day now though 😭
3
u/OrganicDigitalArt Sep 11 '26
If I knew you irl I’d give ya a bro hug and watch your kids for an evening. We similar where we don’t have a village since we left home long before we ever had kids. It gets better man, take whatever chance you can to get a little moment together, and I think Roy Kent’s report says, “Fuck ‘em” about the toys left out. Some day you’ll miss it.
3
u/schmiddy106 Sep 11 '26
It’ll get easier. Our garden is unkempt, the kitchen island rarely isn’t a disaster. There’s days we do 4 loads of laundry and days we do 0. Sometimes the kids get an extra 30 minutes of screen time to allow us to make dinner.
I have a project backlog of at least a year because when I do have free time it’s usually spent working on the fixer upper we bought three years ago. My workshop is a tripping hazard, my tools are unorganized and I’ve had to buy the same tools again because I can’t find the old ones (the inefficiencies drive me fucking crazy!) my wife also did school for a while on top of work.
Kids are 5 and 21 months. Youngest just started daycare 2 days/week and oldest just started kindergarten. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel now.
We’re constantly bailing water out of the canoe from it tipping and have had to do several T rescues but we signed up for the canoe trip, and expected to get wet. Some days are tougher than others. Just try not to sweat the small stuff.
3
3
u/flyingdorito2000 Sep 11 '26
Here’s a timeline of events with two kids:
1 and 3: terrible, we are dying. 3 year old goes to daycare
2 and 4: still terrible, but at least they both go to daycare. Financially dying though
3 and 5: getting easier, annoying having to drop kids off and pick them up in different schools though but financially getting easier
4 and 6: easy mode, both in free public school so financially better. They also are way more independent and less of a physical burden
5 and 7: hasn’t happened yet but will probably get easier, I’ll let you know by how much
3
u/opinion_slicer Sep 11 '26
One small tip: hire a landscaper. Changed my life. Costs me $150/month, but it’s worth way more than that for me.
3
u/MrEdsTeeth Sep 11 '26
Bro I just got thru those exact ages. 1-3 was ROUGH. They are now 3 and 5 and I can actually get shit done (lawn, repairs, etc…) while they play inside. It will get easier as they can fend for themselves even at a basic level. Right now is all hands on deck 24/7. Just hold the line.
2
u/moleytron Sep 11 '26
The world just isn't the same, on top of being a parent you have to juggle jobs for both parents, we all are more connected to everyone we have ever known through social media and have devices in our pockets that anyone you have ever connected to can send you an alert with any time of any day and also we all have to be experts in all of the political parties not just in our own countries but also many around the interconnected world. We also have to be experts on everything from child rearing to cooking and house maintenance and then all of the subjects at school to help our kids with their learning and we have to be experts on all of the subjects of the day to day news cycle in order to talk to other adults about it. We're supposed to be improving ourselves all the time and looking after our health and getting the kids out for activities and getting them into programs like gymnastics or sports or whatever.
It really shouldn't be a surprise when parents these days are burning out, my advice is two things 1, do less - just enjoy time with your kids and lower the pressure to do so much, 2. stop giving a fuck about what other people think, in general they're not judging you even half as much as you are judging yourself.
If you can, make the time for some counseling, even just verifying the way you are feeling is normal can be a huge help.
2
u/Tossawaysfbay Sep 11 '26
Who cares what neighbors think of the yard? You’re raising two monsters. You’ll get back to it soon enough.
2
2
u/SuccessfulLab1671 Sep 11 '26
Maximize your sleep. Like black out blinds, white noise, soft light on phone, no led 3 hrs before bed, melatonin.
This is the first step and the rest follows
Maximize your sleep first so you can just think clearly to then move onto the next step
2
u/Fatigue-Error Sep 11 '26
You’ve got a lot of great suggestions already. I am sending you a proper man hug.
Also don’t “plan a date.” If you can though, set aside some time to just be with each other. Even just snuggling on the sofa, quiet, tired. That’s still time together. Give each other a hug, if that’s all you have the time for. Do that.
2
u/secondphase Pronouns: Dad/Dada/Daddy Sep 11 '26
3 and 1 is about as challenging as it gets. I have 8, 5, 1. The 8yo is almost helpful.
A 3yo has never been helpful and a 1yo is a energy vampire. So cute, but do busy. Constant supervision.
Deal with the hoa some other year. This ain't the year for that.
2
u/brandon0228 Sep 11 '26
We are in the same boat, it’s just us with no help. A bit of advice, fuck what other people think. They aren’t living your life and don’t see what you’re going through. Just be there for your family and your wife and it’ll sort itself out in time. It does get better.
2
u/donstreiff Sep 11 '26
We have 2 under 1 since March and a lot of my plants died that i had for years haha. it was sad at first but also kind of funny because thats just another sacrifice of the many we have to take. You 2 are way to harsh on yourselfs and care too much about others. Those people complaining couldn't walk one day in your shoes so don't worry about it. You guys are doing good just hold on and don't forget that you are both exhausted and this leads to stuff we do or say that we didn't mean or do on purpose.
2
u/nodogsallowed23 Sep 11 '26
Ask a neighbour to mow for you. Do they have a teenager you can pay? I know if I asked my neighbour they’d jump at the chance. We’ve helped them over the years with snow clearing and tree trimming.
2
u/andreaglorioso Sep 11 '26
If my recollections are right, that age (3 and 1) was probably the worst combo, by far.
You and your wife need to take a deep breath, appreciate you’re doing the best you can with the tools you have, enjoy every small moment of peace you can get, stop worrying about your kids “progressing” towards entirely arbitrary targets, and take regular pills of Idongivafaq to deal with judgemental neighbors and family members (chances are their “judgments” are entirely in your tired, overworked brains).
2
u/ianonredit Sep 11 '26
Going to be a little less articulate than the other responses here but, everyone outside your family can go fuck themselves. Let the yard go to shit, leave the toys out, do what you gotta do. Things get easier, survive this period and enjoy as much time with your kids as you can. If your kids are happy then the opinions of your neighbours and friends are irrelevant
2
u/Yew_Cookies38293 Sep 11 '26
Hang in there OP. Can confirm it does get easier. If anyone who wants to complain about your yard ask them to come mow it for you. Realistically, at that phase you just have to pick the two or three most important things in a day and check them off the list.
2
u/JJames26 Sep 11 '26
You’re not alone mate. I’m at almost 4 and 2 now, and it is a bit better. Once one of them gets into school etc I think it will settle more.
2
u/dlundy09 Sep 11 '26
I noticed a common theme in your post and it's that you not only seem to care SO MUCH about what other people think as if your worth is measured by others opinions, but you also seem to be so damn sure you know exactly what they think and feel.
Nip this line of thinking. There is a mental inconsistency we all have where we believe others think about us way more than they actually do. This gets especially bad if we are constantly thinking about what they are thinking and on it goes. Are your kids healthy? Taken care of? Loved? If so, and they are actually thinking something about you, fuck em. In my experience so far as a parent, the ones who seem to have it all together are able to pull this off but couldn't tell you their kids favorite toy that week because their priority is not connecting to their kids but maintaining an appearance.
You're doing fine, dad. You both are. You need to take all that energy you're committing to worrying about the opinion of others and apply that to taking care of yourselves. We teach our kids where their priorities should lie. And it should be with taking care of ourselves and our family, not what others think.
You got this
2
u/Shower__Farts Sep 11 '26
Sorry dude. It will get better. Your kids are so young, and you’re both in survival mode, and it’ll break eventually, and everyone’s lives will improve because of it.
This next piece of advice will do you no good, OP, so please ignore it. Also, I love the canoe analogy.
Family planning. Once again, family planning. If possible, do not have kids so close together if you think it’ll be a struggle, and it will, and you’re mostly lying to yourself if you think it won’t be. Spread it out! Don’t do two under two, don’t have two kids in diapers at the same time. No one in your village, if you’re lucky enough to have one, wants to watch a toddler AND a baby. It’s too much work. Not to mention the cost of childcare when they’re both that young will break most budgets.
2
u/BigHancho7420 Sep 11 '26
I have a 3, 7, and 10 year old and I do it alone as a single Dad. No help. Just me. It’s tough, like really tough but I just tell myself anything worth doing is hard. The 10 yr old gets more helpful all the time. The 7 yr old has a few diagnosed disabilities that really really make things almost impossible some days, gets expelled from school on almost a weekly basis which means I have to leave/miss work.
It won’t ever be easy but it does slowly get better. Just got to give it time and hang in there. Be grateful you have a partner.
2
u/full_bl33d Sep 11 '26
My yard was cooked for a while. The kids are 5 and 7 now and it’s all good. It may be a blessing or a curse but I genuinely do not give a flying fuck about what other people think or say or do. Their opinions about me are none of my business anyways. The house is pretty tidy tho because the kids are still learning to clean up after themselves now. We’re doing okay and able to have a house cleaner come a couple times a month and I have a pretty decent yard back in shape. It gets better, you’re doing great
2
u/desertforestcreature Sep 11 '26
Please, if you can, buy back some time. Even two afternoons a week with a nanny can give you two the pressure valve you need.
2
u/awkwardpawns Sep 12 '26
Hey man / just wanted to add a quick note:
We have four kids… 8, 7, 5, 3.
I really felt the way you did like back maybe 4 years ago. Super isolated. Super lonely. Super unrewarding in some ways.
None of our friends from HS and college had kids or were even married so we were on another planet from all of them and you get distance. It was really lonely.
Our kids starting school changed everything for me. All of a sudden we met 34 other families. Had events with them and soccer and there were allll these people in the same exact boat as us.
The next year our next kid started and even more families and so on. It was like a floodgate even. We went from barely even knowing people who had kids to knowing tons who had the same aged kids in the same scenario etc.
Maybe this isn’t your problem but before they stated actual kindergarten- things felt kind of dark. Good luck
3
u/PressPrx Sep 12 '26
I really don’t get how people let themselves get this isolated. I guarantee you no one is looking at you like a creep when you are playing with your kids outside or otherwise judging you. There are so many cognitive distortions going on here — you both probably need therapy and desperately need to build community.
2
u/applextrent Sep 11 '26
You’re doing fine.
What you need to do to be happy again is be grateful for being able to be there for your kids and family.
It’s never been this difficult to raise a family, and despite all odds you’re figuring it out.
F the neighbors and the yard. Who cares what a bunch of boomers who abused their kids think.
1
u/rkvance5 Sep 11 '26
Therapy, alone and/or together. You sound amenable to the idea, so make it happen. You two need to have important—not "bad" or even necessarily "hard"—conversations that might just be more difficult without guidance.
1
u/LordBigglesworth Sep 11 '26
You’re not alone. Almost exactly the same except we’re together almost all the time.
1
u/wickedkid9 Sep 11 '26
You’re not doing anything wrong. That’s just how it goes when your kids are that young and you’re working. It actually sounds like you’re doing everything right. Just hang in there. It will get better.
1
u/chilliwinkles Sep 11 '26
Lower your expectations.
They're alive. Not on fire. Maybe you read a book. Nice job.
Current 4 and 2 year old chaser
1
u/redpatcher Sep 11 '26
4 year old and 10 month old, I feel you. 4 year old is autistic. Those things you aren't doing during survival mode, if you're still alive and the kids are safe, that tells you they can wait.
1
u/flimityflamity Sep 11 '26
If you're not already I'd think of life on a 3 week cycle. Something like let your wife recover from her shift move then work on cleaning and giving you a chance to breath. Week 2 maybe figure out something fun and meal prep for week 3. Week 3 wife is working the only choirs that need to happen are dishes, cooking and laundry. Just get through the week.
Other things you can hire a cleaner. You can hire a babysitter even if you don't leave the house (watch a show/play a game/read a book/do dishes/whatever).
It gets easier.
1
u/beanjam Sep 11 '26
Are you religious? Join a nearby church and you’ll meet people that will understand and help. At least most churches support families.
1
u/crzyaznXD Sep 11 '26
I feel ya, 2 1/5 year old twin boys and 11 month old girl. Thankfully our girl is an angel.. but the boys really know how to drive us up the wall!
Your wife's work schedule is wack, my job can have me working dumb long hours, but 7 days a week?! I don't know how Healthcare workers do it without being sent to the psych unit.
Not all of us get the help that some of our parents did(including myself), then turn around and talk about how they did this and that yadda yadda yadda. So just keep on keeping on. We got this and you guys do too!
1
u/Watarenuts Sep 11 '26
Buddy. You got young kids and you are worried about your yard, cleanliness and your neighbours opinions. It... it's not what it's about. It's about your kids having good childhood memories. The rest don't matter. In fact, in two years the kids will be so much more independent that you will start feeling that they don't have time for you. You don't have to upkeep appearances. Embrace the temporary chaos, the time to clean up is gonna comes soon enough, but now it's not a priority.
1
u/exitaur22 Sep 11 '26
I don't know how your finances look, but if you can spare 200 a month take my advice and hire someone to mow your lawn! It took so much stress off of me. I also bring in a cleaner once every few months for a deep clean. Sometimes I give up something in order to afford those things by it has absolutely helped my mental health immensely. Also, i order clean eatz for dinner during the weeks it takes the guess work out of "whats for dinner again?" and it costs the same amount that you would have spent at the grocery store anyways. Keep your head up fellow reddit dad, you can do this!
1
u/TheDarkGoblin39 Sep 11 '26
Lots of good stuff here so I’ll just add that I only made one sort of parent friend at a playground, lots of awkward chats but nothing meaningful.
I didn’t start making good friends and kind of building a community of parents until my son started school and began making friends. We had him in daycare so that was around 4ish for us.
1
u/interstellarblues Sep 11 '26
My kids were 3 and 1 when I hit a seriously low point. Hang in there. You will make it through this. I’ve got lots more to say on the subject if you’re interested in hearing it, but most importantly, what you’re saying is completely relatable, and I’m here to tell you it doesn’t stay like this forever.
1
u/Huegh Sep 11 '26
There is nothing wrong with a messy yard and a disorganized house. I know it’s not ideal but you have only so many spoons and so many hours in the day to use them and children take a lot.
My advice is to slow down and figure out what is and is not a priority.
You keep going at the pace you are going and it can cause real health risks.
I live in a not to dissimilar situation and a few years ago was practically killing myself to try and keep the house clean, kids entertained and working it’s really hard you have my sympathy and respect.
But I started having seasure’s due to stress and poor sleep. It scared me so I had to make a tough life changes.
It’s still hard but I made a priority list. The only areas I focus on for cleaning are the kitchen, living room and bathroom.
Every other room will get a touch up from time to time.
The yard gets attention for an hour at most once every week to two weeks.
Laundry we have a clean pile and a dirty pile.
Sure every once in a while I can hang it all up and put it away proper but that’s a luxury not a necessity no one died from a wrinkly shirt.
Remember it’s okay for kids to be bored and to have independence to entertain themselves.
It will get easier as the kids get older but new challenges will present themselves.
You can do this it’s do or die but I believe in you.
1
u/deadpoolsballs Sep 11 '26
Both working full time with a one year old is a bit much. Can you afford to scale back, like either of you goes part time? Also this is just parenting, you won’t have time for all those things yet, but things to get better as your kids get older
1
u/ChristineWilkie Sep 11 '26
If you are not financially struggling yet. I would see if you can hire a nanny for a few hours to clean if you can. Have grace because we are supposed to be raising kids without a village. Even though now a days we do. I had to hire a cleaner twice a month. Check out the PSI network, they have free support groups for dads as well.
1
u/Mobile_Spot3178 Sep 11 '26
I solved the yard-problem so that every evening the kids need to be outside for 1-2 hours in any case. We do yard things together or I do stuff and they sort of "hang around". Of course with a 1 year old it's harder, but more often than not, kids just like hanging around outside, even just watching.
1
1
u/ciriwey Sep 11 '26
Maybe It sounds silly said this way but try to enjoy it. At least a bit. Toddlers are hard but also funny. Try to channel your inner child and just play. It wouldnt do the chores and work disapear but at least you get a laugh or 2. And belive me, that would make It reeeeeaaaally more bearable.
1
u/RCampR6 Sep 11 '26
I have 4 kids. Moved away from family to be able to afford a home and live more comfortably. Is it difficult? Of course. Sounds like you have a great life partner. Things don’t have to be extravagant. Have a date or movie night at home. Don’t worry about what others might think or say. I couldn’t tell you how many strange looks i get when I’m out with my 4 kids😂. Stay strong. Keep trying. Thats all that matters.
1
u/IChopBlow Sep 11 '26
All the parents I know who often have clean homes hire cleaners at least once a week.
All the parents I know who have nice lawns hire landscapers at least twice a month.
1
u/AlternativeParfait13 Sep 11 '26
It’s super crappy. We don’t have a village either, and both of us work pretty much full time. Little one prob gets less sleep than he should because we can’t squeeze everything into the day, we’re permanently exhausted and the house is a disaster zone.
I keep reminding myself that a generation ago only one parent needed to work, which left hours and hours of (unpaid) labour to deal with cleaning, cooking and laundry. There aren’t enough hours to replicate that if two of you need paid work to deal with bills.
3 and 1 are tough ages. It will ease off a little as they get older. It’s hard, but don’t expect perfection in every aspect of life right now. It’s a massive juggling act.
1
u/Flaky-Bar-6656 Sep 11 '26
lol you’re me! Except reverse. I work 60+ every week and she works 40+, mostly from home. It is DAUNTING.
1
u/the-real-babs Sep 11 '26
ha this is a great metaphor. Sounds like your schedules don't overlap enough to build a routine, and without a routine everything becomes a negotiation.
One concrete idea is to take a photo of your weekly calendar and your wife's, paste them into ChatGPT, and ask it to find every hour neither of you is working or solo parenting. I bet there are fewer than you think, and seeing that number on screen is weirdly validating. It also makes it easier to protect those hours instead of accidentally filling them with guilt errands.
1
u/Charminglyawkward20 Sep 12 '26
This could’ve been me. Same aged kids, 3 and 1. I FEEL the yard thing. Heavily. I feel the no breaks, kiddos not progressive, it’s so difficult. I’m so sorry. Just solidarity
1
u/Inevitable_Media2490 Sep 12 '26
It’s hard don’t give up, it’s like riding a unicycle while it’s on fire but the kids are precious and even tho it’s hard you can do this. You are doing a great job.
1
1
u/humphreybbear Sep 12 '26
OP, I’ve been in your shoes only a short time ago. My boys are nearly 5 and 3. We have no village either. It’s a temporary phase of life where you have to get comfortable with things being a mess to survive. This too shall pass. It helps to find a sense of humour about it. These are not the years for having a perfect garden or tidy home or feeling like you are on top of everything. These are the short years when you do enough to keep the important plates spinning and let the unimportant plates crash until your kids need you less.
You’re ok. Most neighbours and friends and family members are too self absorbed and invested in their own problems to care about your garden or whatever else you’re worried about.
In a couple of years your eldest will start helping you and looking after themselves and the workload will begin to lift. And I promise you, you’ll be devastated that they’re growing up and don’t need you as much and that you’ve got more time for weeding 😂
Give yourself some grace. Enjoy the little kid years, don’t just survive them. Fuck the chores list.
1
u/Spirited-Wolverine24 Sep 12 '26
This is not a world to bring children to, and without a network it only gets harder. It's depressing.
1
u/Leihouchao_ Sep 12 '26
People are shaking their heads and commenting on how your yard isn't perfect and the house isn't all tidied up when you have a 3yo and a 1yo? These people either don't have kids or are the kind of parents who don't really spend time with their kids (at least, are chores are more important than spending time with them).
1
u/Overhead95 Sep 12 '26
My neighbor cared a lot about my overgrown side yard when my kids were 3 & 1. I couldn't keep up with the yard work, the dead trees in my back yard and the overgrown wild section. You know what he did? He came over and cut down the areas he cared about. Made friends with my kids and brought them golf clubs and soccer balls to play with. My parents didn't like the toys everywhere, they bought a toy box and started every trip over to my house by cleaning up. (Mind you, they promptly began to play with the kids and empty the toy box immediately). You're in the deep of it, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe a cleaner or an extra step to the routine would help but you're not alone in your feelings. That invisible feeling is real and isolating. But remember, you got this. Definitely look into therapy for yourself and potentially you and your wife.
1
u/bulbfishing Sep 12 '26
Shit. This is such a good analogy.
My canoe has tipped. After treading water, my wife and I ended up at different shores. We tired to make it back to each other at different points over the years. But we now are further apart than ever.
1
u/yourefunny Sep 12 '26
Hey, just came here from another post. My garden is a mess most of the time. There are toys all over the place most of the time. Screw what people think. Get a cleaner once a week if you can afford it. Really does help. Good luck.
1
1
u/marmor84 Sep 13 '26
It's so sad to hear this. I'm a father for a 7year old boy and a 5 year old girl and I can totally relate on how hard it was and still is in a different way, because you know small kids small problems, big kids big problems , it doesn't go away it just change. But the bigger issue is that raising a child require a village.
We all need support. Physically and mentally, and sometimes just hanging together with other families makes all the difference.
In my case I'm blessed to have a strong circle of friends (8 families) that all have kids that are around the same ages as our own, and we try to hang out (dinner parties, pool days, beach days, camping etc) as much as possible and it makes a huge difference.
1
u/thebartjon Sep 13 '26
You sound like you really, really care, which is the most important part of this parenting thing. That care means you’ll figure it out, because it’s not impossible and it’s important to you.
599
u/jcuster55 Sep 11 '26
Hang in there. It does get better, I promise. In two years you'll have a 5 year old and a 3 year old and that is WAY better than a 3 year old and 1 year old as they can start being actual friends with each other.
Also, if you aren't struggling financially consider having a cleaner come once a month or even once every other month for a "refresh" of the house. It will make a huge difference for your (and your wife's) mental energy and the pricing is usually very afordable.
And don't worry about what the neighbors think. More likely than not, you are projecting onto them as they probably don't care what your lawn looks like (I certainly don't care what my neighbors lawns look like). And if they do, then they're snobs and who cares what snobs think anyways?