r/daddit • u/[deleted] • 10h ago
Advice Request Marriage is coming completely undone and im lost on how to handle it
[deleted]
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u/propofoolish 8h ago edited 8h ago
First, really sorry that you’re going through this. No one should have to deal with physical violence especially at home. Second, I am not your doctor/this is not medical advice etc but when I read this:
Ill be the first to admit that lately I have been alot more emotionally volatile
I looked at your profile. Judging from your recent posts it might not be the best idea to mix roids with your current home situation
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u/FrankandRon 5h ago
I would imagine not a great idea if stressed about finances as well, can’t be cheap.
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u/cocaineandfatbitches 7h ago
Im only on trt currently. Emotionally volatile may not be the best term to describe it, like someone else said its more so like a pressure cooker situation and ive just reached a boiling point in alot of ways
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u/propofoolish 6h ago
Sorry man it’s not “TRT” if you’re taking excess for the purpose of bodybuilding. “Pressure cooker/boiling point/emotionally volatile” reads to me like textbook roid rage. Not a great combo with all the other stuff going on and 3 young kids in the home.
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u/amine250 4h ago
Oooff you gotta stop that man, even if it’s not the source of these problems, it’s only gonna make it worse
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u/Burger_Gouger 6h ago
This dudes username paired with steroid use and a violent home?
Ya this will be on the news
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u/apocalypticpickle 7h ago
Brother, I am so sorry. Couple of things:
- The person your wife was before you got married and had kids is gone. Hormones, stress, lack of sleep, and pressures from the world can change people. You should take time to mourn this loss.
- Therapists will say just about any relationship is salvageable, except those in which domestic violence is involved. Depending on where you live, therapists are also mandatory reporters, so they may call CPS.
- The person your wife has become doesn't respect you, and is creating an unsafe home for your whole family. Even verbal abuse between parents has a detrimental affect on kids, let alone physical abuse. The people in this thread who are telling you to salvage this very clearly didn't have or know anyone with abusive parents.
Consider your options carefully. You need to think about your kids and the home they'll grow up in. I would consider a separation at the minimum.
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u/BitComfortable6618 4h ago
Lurking woman here - it doesn’t matter what is going on with each of you, there is absolutely no excuse for that kind of violence. The stressors you are describing are very normal for couples with kids in this economy. We all miss the connection, the us time. A lot of couples have trouble talking about it too, that’s normal. What is NOT normal is your wife punching you in the face during an argument. I know you’re more likely to brush it off because you’re a guy… but your wife is abusive. That is abuse. I repeat - that is not normal. Deal with the physical violence before you deal with anything else. If she’s doing that to you, how long do you think it is until she’s doing that to your kids.. if she isnt already. I grew up with a violent and angry mother like this. She hit my dad, and she hit us. She knocked me out once. Please get some independent help from a therapist.
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u/laserpewpewAK 10h ago
Nobody should make major life decisions with a baby. Neither of you are in your right mind. The hormone & lifestyle changes combined with the sleep deprivation is enough to make anyone crazy. You need counseling ASAP, personal and couple's. You both sound exhausted. If you can afford it, I highly recommend taking a few days off work to simply trade off sleeping. If you can get a friend or relative to take the kids for a night, that would be ideal. Once you've both had a solid night's rest, I bet you will be able to talk much more effectively.
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u/SnooHabits8484 8h ago
Domestic violence is a hard line
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u/laserpewpewAK 6h ago
Real relationships aren't that simple unfortunately. It's easy to see things as black and white when it isn't your life. People are messy and make mistakes. I don't believe in "once an abuser, always an abuser". One moment does not define people forever. I believe people can change, if they're willing to put in the work. That doesn't mean there aren't consequences, and OP would be well within his rights to leave. But, if his wife can take accountability for her actions and show a commitment to making sure it never happens again, it's possible for things to work out.
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u/SnooHabits8484 6h ago
Nah. Someone punches you repeatedly in the face, you leave. And I would bet the farm on her never taking proper accountability- domestic violence perpetrators almost never do.
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u/laserpewpewAK 5h ago
That's an easy bet to make when it's not your farm at stake. We're only getting a small glimpse into what's likely the worst moment of their lives. Postpartum mental health issues are very real, for both men and women. I wouldn't be so quick to judge.
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u/generic_canadian_dad 3 girls: 9, 7, 2 9h ago
That first sentence is so real. The only decision I would support is a decision like changing jobs to something with a better work life balance.
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u/DUFRelic 8h ago
Dude she hit you... thats a line that cant be crossed.. it sucks for you and for the kids but it will only get worse from this point forward...
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u/ooa3603 7h ago
I'm getting the strong feeling that both of you have latent confrontational personalities. Like you both don't know how to self-soothe anxieties or fears in yourselves, let alone each other.
Basically I'm getting strong emotional immaturity vibes that weren't an issue in a low stress environment. But now in this economic environment brings out the worst in the both of you.
Was this ever broached in your therapy sessions?
Because I think as much as the economic realities of your situation is bad, what's preventing you guys from being able to work together is the underlying lack of emotional skills.
It doesn't sound like either of you have good de-escalation skills and it affects your communication and how you talk to each other. You guys unintentionally make a bad situation worse.
I say this not to attack you, its actually experience from my own personal failings so please don't take this as condescension.
That said, unfortunately DV has crossed a line. I think a separation is due until y'all cement down how you're going to build the interpersonal skills so that you're not needlessly escalating problems.
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u/polybian718 8h ago
I really feel for you. I’ve been in a marriage where things became physically abusive, and I know how difficult it is when you have a family you desperately want to keep together. I ultimately made the decision to leave, but not before consulting a family law attorney who helped me document what was happening, gather evidence, and understand my options. I would strongly encourage you to do the same, even if you’re not considering divorce right now. You acknowledge your own shortcomings, but nothing you’ve described justifies your wife punching you in the face.
I’d also encourage you to think carefully about what this means for your children. Physical violence toward a spouse raises legitimate concerns about the safety of the kids, too, especially as they get older. And growing up witnessing domestic violence can be damaging in its own right. I’m not saying your marriage can’t be saved, but that requires genuine accountability and change on her part, not simply more patience and accommodation from you. Please protect yourself, understand your legal and custody options, and remember that keeping your family together and keeping your children safe aren’t necessarily the same thing.
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u/Mental_Ad3737 6h ago
If she doesn't want to babysit and you need that 1200 see if she'll get a part time job when you're not working. I get not wanting to talk at 10pm when you want to chill before bed, like now is not the right time, but there isn't really a good time is there? You both feel underappreciated and thats your own faults. Do little things for each other make things easy for each other. You feel like a slave and she does to. You guys chose to have 3 kids together so figure it out. Most people always wish they had more money. Learn to enjoy what you do have and can manage. Marriage has lost its meaning. For better or worse, thats what you agree to. You need to grow together.
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u/Key-Pomegranate-3507 9h ago
Did nobody see the part where he said his wife hit him, or do people just not care because it’s a man getting assaulted? That’s a hard stop in any relationship. OP are you sure this is salvageable?
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u/Gold_End_9139 4h ago
Yeah they don't really care. Call the woman a bad name for being a literal abuser and you'll get banned. Actually not joking unfortunately.
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u/benkalam 5h ago
I think daddit cares when men get assaulted. That doesn't mean we all think that his wife is some irredeemable piece of shit.
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u/ZukowskiHardware 5h ago
Dude, she can’t be hitting you in the face. If you were on the same page that she would be a stay at home mom, then you had more kids you couldn’t afford, then made her work and be a stay at home mom then you aren’t on the same page. The most important thing is that you two agree on what is going on, then don’t change that without talking together.
She can’t hit you though, that is not ok no matter what. Needs to start there with an apology then most likely she needs to stop working and being full time mom.
More than likely you are going to have to get a 2nd gig to pay for the child you couldn’t afford. It will suck.
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u/crazyDiamnd67 9h ago edited 16m ago
She physically assaulted you.
Amazing the comments here that are just totally glazing over that fact.
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u/EndPsychological890 9h ago
Wasn’t even a shove or slap, multiple close fisted punches to the face and irrevocable statements like “fuck you” “I’m done” while throwing the ring? I feel like it would take lottery odds to save this marriage after that. Hell, if in most cases you reversed the genders, you’d be looking at charges, CPS, family taking vengeance etc etc
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u/BirdsAreFake00 3h ago
I have a hard time taking a guy abusing steroids and with this username seriosuly.
Sorry, but I absolutely judged a book by its cover.
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u/wooshoofoo 5h ago
Therapy is important, but I’m in the same boat; my wife hates me because I was an asshole and a terrible person. Even though I’m trying to change, it’s too late to just suddenly go back to when everything was fine.
I am persevering, even though her single mom best friend is inciting her to leave, even though every day she has a hair trigger on everything I do that she doesn’t like, even though I’m triggered at least twenty times a day. I tell myself that once the kids are a little more grown we might have a chance to repair. And that’s gotta be enough because that’s all I’m getting.
Thanos is right: The hardest choices require the strongest wills. You’ve gotta will yourself to be strong.
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u/generic_canadian_dad 3 girls: 9, 7, 2 10h ago
Absolutely brutal situation. Many of us have been somewhere similar. You're actively in what will, without a doubt, the hardest part of your life / marriage. 3 kids @ 5 and under is REALLY hard.
The thing that has saved us through the most difficult times is having a job with flexibility. The ability to be able to stay home an extra hour in the am to help get kids off the school on tough days, and be home before the bus gets back everyday is HUGE. It may be time to look for something with more flexibility in your work career.
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u/Pleasant-Plane-6340 7h ago
He’s got an unemployed violent wife who won’t even do baby sitting for extra cash and you think he needs to help out more and change his career?
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u/generic_canadian_dad 3 girls: 9, 7, 2 7h ago
Having young kids is extremely difficult. I'm not excusing any of her behavior and maybe splitting is the answer. If work is too much, which it seems to be, it would be a big stress reduction
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u/SlipShodBovine 9h ago edited 9h ago
Marriage counseling, and probably individual therapy for both of you, asap. The inability to talk it out is a bigger problem than the problems themselves.
You may only be able to have the hard conversations with the therapist present rn, until you re-learn how to talk about and navigate the situation.
You're in the suck. The early years are incredibly difficult. Money trouble is incredibly difficult (which often is a part of the early years problems). And plans/expectations being upended because of new circumstances is incredibly difficult.
You need help navigating it.
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u/grawmaw13 9h ago
I completely agree but these things cost time and money, which OP states he may not have. Are there maybe government schemes that provide support? Unsure of where OP is from.
I'm in UK are there are funded schemes that can provide help with things like this depending on childrens age.
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u/SlipShodBovine 8h ago
In the US, we are pretty much on our own, sadly.
Saving it now would be much less time/effort and money than a divorce. Gotta do what you can to try.
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u/nanadoom 9h ago
A lot is going on here on both sides. I think going to couples counseling would benifit you both. Also I looked through your post history and saw that you're taking testosterone injections. Do you think a hormone that is known to cause aggression and quick temper may have something to do with the emotional volatility you're experiencing? If they weren't prescribed, or even if they were, you should talk to your doctor about that
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u/frozenbudz 8h ago
I hate saying this, because your dedication to the marriage is more than apparent. But. She hit you. She hit you multiple times, you are obviously in control of your own life. That's domestic violence and isn't acceptable ever.
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u/Funwithfun14 7h ago
Yup, mom is gonna need to find a job.
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u/Funwithfun14 4h ago
Why would anyone downvore this? I assume OP is out.....mom will need a job to support herself.
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u/DiligentGuitar246 9h ago
Anyway to my own personal struggles, lately I've had a rough time coping with certain realities of my life. So much has changed in the last few years and my life now just feels like work, kids, chores, etc. No time for myself, no quality time with my wife, no stress relief.
Dude… this is life when you’re in the very early stages of building a family. I mean my goodness. I know it feels like a lot, and it is, but these are the years you just need to be as selfless as possible. Your family is growing from a tiny seed in the ground right now. It’s not fun or pretty. It’s a grind.
But as you already see with your older ones, it gets better. Kids get more independent.
But you need to check your emotions dude. One of you needs to be a rock. You can’t both be fireworks.
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u/cvfdrghhhhhhhh 7h ago
Mom here - if you can’t leave for your own sake, do it for your kids. If she can hit you, she can hit them. This may not be a run in the middle of the night scenario, but it is time to make a plan. Contact domestic violence hotlines, they can help.
Please stop downplaying this. It’s real, it’s important - you’re being abused and you do not deserve this, no matter how nasty the argument.
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u/HairyMacLeary 6h ago
Step back for a moment.
Imagine you’re your own sister, and she’s come to you telling you that story about her and her husband (the husband being your wife doing what she’s done).
What’s the advice you’d give her?
Assuming that what you’ve typed is actually true (there’s no way for us to know that right), I wouldn’t be trusting that behaviour with children. Also, it’s toxic from both sides. At the least you need to begin proceedings to protect yourself and those kids.
I’m sorry, but you already know exactly what you need to do.
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u/cocaineandfatbitches 6h ago
Well that's why its conflicting. Shes never been physical before outside of one very minor incident. Being 5 months post partum unfortunately I'm finding justification for her in this senerio. I always obviously dont want to split my family up.
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u/laserpewpewAK 5h ago
Postpartum mental health issues are very real OP. Something you need to do for yourself is figure out if you're making excuses or giving her grace. It's 100% necessary to give your partner grace when they make a mistake. If she's been a model wife and mother up to this point and is having a mental health emergency, that's a very different scenario than if she has a history of abusive behavior that she's done nothing to remediate.
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u/fading_relevancy 8h ago
I can relate to a bunch if this. My wife makes way more money and has been stressing about me getting a better job for a while. Something shift earlier this year and we kinda drifted. I filled the void with substance use. I admitted the use back in July and things have been even rougher since. I quit on my own with zero support. But things didn't get better. Couple weeks ago a parenting disagreement snowballed in the shouting match and me punching a wall for the first time in literally 10 years. Since then we are essentially separated but living under the same roof. Me on the couch. She insisted on me doing this 2 week group program and says she still doesn't know what she wants. I paid like rich people money for a crisis counselor and well there is a tiny glimmer of hope we can make it work. But man this has been the toughest on record, harder then when I quit drinking and left my last career behind as a Distiller. I have cried more in the past month then the last 15 years combined and then some. If it wasn't for the kids I be out I think. Nit sure what her expectations actually are going into winter. It's really depressing.
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u/AssignmentSecret 3h ago
If you are both this emotional it’s because you both care. Start from there. Open discussion and don’t downplay each others points. God bless bro.
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u/trinitytr33 7h ago
Mom here chiming in. This is hard. On the one hand, if roles were reversed, I would immediately being telling you to leave, no questions asked. It sucks that a double standard exists in terms of domestic violence, because obviously physical violence against any of the sexes or gender identities is abhorrent.
The ONLY thing that gives me pause in absolutely saying you should leave and end the marriage is that your wife is currently 5 months pp. PPD and postpartum rage are absolutely a real thing. I know this case is extremely polarizing, but imo if the Lindsay Clancy case has taught us anything...it's that untreated postpartum mental health issues are a lot more serious than most of us realize. I don't know the mental health situation for your wife. But IF you decide you want to remain with her, then her getting the help needs to be the top priority. I am not trying to excuse her behavior. But if this is the first time anything like this has happened, Idk i can't help but wonder if more is going on with her.
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u/grawmaw13 9h ago
Man. This was a tough read.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I was going to suggest marriage councilling, but this of course requires funds and time. Are there maybe schemes in your area that support it?
Either way, I hope you can work this out. Best wishes man.
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u/fancypantsmiss 7h ago
This is abuse. It doesn’t matter how hard life gets, it doesn’t give anyone the reason to abuse. You have to leave. And please take the kids away as well.
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u/ColdenGorral-1 6h ago
Mannnn I'm sorry, but with a capital F, Fuck that. The minuet a finger was laid, that changes the whole game.
I don't care how stressful shit gets, physical contact is a big no no. And this is just the beginning of it brother, very very rarely is it ever a one time incident.
For both sides, this will spiral and get worse. I witnessed this with my parents when I was younger. I'm not telling you what to do man, I don't know the whole story and back story, but don't turn into a punching bag. It's terrible for the kids to see that shit, and they will eventually. I saw my parents beat the living shit out of each other, pull weapons, tried hitting each other with vehicles, things children shouldn't never see parents do.
I hope one day shit turns around for you man.
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u/GOLDTOOTHTATTOO 5h ago
This sucks if you don’t press charges and file for DVRO you’re going to be fighting a custody battle and likely be on the hook for child support for 3 kids. Not to mention a divorce that’s gonna suck you dry
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u/zumboggo 8h ago
That's really tough. I have 3 kids 5 and under as well, and I agree with the one other commentator that this is almost definitely the hardest moment of your life/marriage. Physical violence is definitely nothing to ignore, but whether it's a dealbreaker is up to you. Something has to give though. All these pressures mean you are both at the worst versions of yourselves.
Financially, what are your options? Do you have community that can support the load of childcare at all? Have you ever thought of moving internationally where childcare or domestic help is far cheaper?
For calming your emotions, and her emotions, practices like mindfulness and meditation can be a game changer, but if they are a result of stress and overwhelm then it might actually make it worse if you can't fix the underlying issues and might end up hyperfocusing on these problems.
This one might sound crazy, but have you looked into giving up a car and switching with an electric bike? We often don't realize how much we spend a year on gas, insurance, repairs, and all that. Some estimates it's over $8000. Not only that, but the effect of excercise on your mood. Getting outdoors, fresh air, and your blood flowing each day can do wonders for the emotions you're talking about. The money you're saving can also bring a good chunk of that stress down. If you need to move stuff around a lot getting a trailer or a cargo bike can be a full car replacement for a lot of people. But if you're more rural this won't work.
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u/Cautious_Noise_410 7h ago
that punch to the face is the line. not because it's unforgivable but because it's the clearest signal you'll ever get that something has to fundamentally change right now. therapy is good, keep going, but you two need to find a way to release the pressure before you even walk in the door.
if that babysitting gig is making your kid miserable and you're still counting on the money, you're already underwater. sell something, downsize, get a line of credit, do whatever it takes to pull that 1200 out of the budget so she's not trapped in a situation that's making everyone crack. once the immediate financial panic is off the table, you might actually have room to remember why you liked each other.
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u/cocaineandfatbitches 8h ago
Well im pretty much stuck here due to work and have no real interest in moving. All of my family lives here. We actually have no car payments currently but yes insurance is alot. The real issue is our mortgage is through the roof. I make roughly 85k a year gross and our mortgage is $2200. Add in the endless costs of everything else and I just simply dont see a way this situation gets financially better. Kids are going to get more expensive. When we originally bought the house we were both working pulling about 120k a year.
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u/benkalam 6h ago
$2200 isn't terrible on 85k, though I'm sure it doesn't feel great. How long have you had the house? If it's something you can downsize out of it might be worth it. Financial issues tank marriages.
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u/cocaineandfatbitches 6h ago
Thats 85k gross, before taxes, health insurance for 5 people, car insurance, utilities, groceries. It just adds up quick. My average check is 800-900 a week after deductions. Its a commission based job so slow months are rough and that extra 300 a week is very good to have. Real problem is I jist dont ever see us getting into a position were we are financially free and comfortable
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u/benkalam 6h ago
Yeah I certainly didn't mean to imply it was easy or that you were doing something wrong, I just had the napkin math in my head that without car payments, 2200 shouldn't be ruinous.
My wife has a spending problem, which your wife essentially has the inverse of (an income problem). The only thing that has worked for me is just laying out all the numbers and being like tell me how to make the math work. Some people have trouble understanding finances at a conceptual level. You basically have to show her, on paper (or excel or whatever) okay we're losing $1200 a month in income, what are we cutting from the budget?
I realize that's a lot harder when you're absolutely exhausted with 3 kids including one of them being an infant. I don't envy you in the slightest brother.
I am curious why you don't see a way out of the current finance problem, though - like why do you think you're hard capped at 85k? I used to think I'd be lucky to earn 100k and I make over 150k now.
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u/cocaineandfatbitches 5h ago
Not hard capped but the only way im really getting a raise anytime in the near future is by switching jobs. My jobs had a lot of quality of life benefits that I rwlly dont want to give up on and believe it or not for me to move up would actually be a slight pay cut lol.
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u/Jon_Henderson_Music 8h ago
Those are really hard ages and she's still dealing with hormones with the 5 month old.. as are you. Apply that to a single income, tight finances, lack of sleep, lack of exercise, maybe subpar nutrition, stress, and it's like a perfect storm. That said, of course it is salvageable. As hard as it is, that was probably like every single marriage in the 1930s.
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u/mindgamesweldon 7h ago
What does she think about going back to work full time?
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u/cocaineandfatbitches 7h ago
Something that will likely happen after our oldest two get into school. Although she was super against it as she wanted to homeschool
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u/mindgamesweldon 6h ago
Follow up question. Are you spending a lot less time talking over the last few years?
It sounds to me like you are both having conversations "with the other person inside your head" (like you to an avatar of her, and vice versa). That happens when you can't actually talk to the other person and lots of life and stress are happening.
It also easily explains the instantaneous straight-to-hell conversations. You both have already been having the "conversation" (argument, in your heads) and are all wound up. :(
As for the financial stress, dunno, kinda the main problem, no? If you can either solve the stress so you aren't stressed about finances, or if you solve it by getting more money, or solve it by "being in it together" and properly sharing the stress, seems like you have to find some way forward with that, whatever path it is.
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u/punted_baxter Semi-Professional Father 9h ago
“There is nothing in here that says this isn’t salvageable.”
Except for one partner hitting the other, in the face. Get real brother.
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u/putpatrol 9h ago
Here’s my take as someone having gone through/ going through something similar with my wife. We only have 1 right now (14 months), but a lot of the same issues come up from time to time. Since it sounds like you want to make it work, as I do too, my advice is this.
You have to treat her like a child, because frankly she is. Same as mine. Any woman who is foolish enough to hit a man and talk like that is basically a stupid, disrespectful, child. The difference is you can’t discipline her like you would a child. So you basically just have to let it go and be as non-inflammatory as possible. You need to get control of your emotions and stop pushing these kinds of conversations. She’s pretty clearly shown she doesn’t care about your thoughts or feelings so there’s no point in sharing them right now. Probably not until your youngest is 1.5-2 and is sleeping through the night etc. and the kids aren’t as big of a point of stress. That’s likely impairing her ability to be empathetic or care about how you’re feeling. You must be the rock her emotional waves crash upon. Not reactive, calming, supportive. Whatever you need to do to avoid her getting to the point of being physical and exploding is critical. Don’t ever lose your temper or your cool. Even if she hits you, don’t ever lay a hand on her because in the heat of the moment she’ll call the police and it’s you in jail and no longer able to see your kids. I know this might seem harsh, but this period is going to require you to truly be the adult in the room and shoulder an unfair amount of the burden. Try to not become resentful because there’s no point. She doesn’t care about your feelings.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I know how it is when the wife blows up, demands divorce in the heat of the moment, gets physical, pulls knives on you, etc. just ride the wave. It’s not fair, it’s not right, and you don’t deserve that treatment… but there’s nothing we can do since the goal is keeping our family together until things get brighter in the future. If this behavior persists even when things are not nearly as stressful in the future, then maybe consider leaving. But good luck dude. Just remember, you’re dealing with an immature child. Their behavior is wrong, but they’re just a child.
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u/EndPsychological890 8h ago
Wow. May I never come remotely close to this point with my marriage. My wife has never been so unreasonable and I’d end it long before I ever disrespected her so much I’m just repeating how much of a little petulant useless child she is on the internet. Jfc.
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u/BatsuGame13 7h ago
Man, telling this guy to view his wife as a child may be one of the worst takes I've seen on this subreddit.
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u/Gold_End_9139 4h ago
You're right. Does domestic abuser sound more fitting? Clearly she's a mature adult so child would be incorrect.
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u/polybian718 8h ago
So if she actually stabs him, I assume the advice is to remain stoic and quietly bleed out like a mature adult? Wouldn’t want to burden her with the responsibility of regulating her own behavior.
This is genuinely terrible advice. You’re essentially telling someone experiencing domestic violence that it’s his responsibility to manage his abuser’s emotions, suppress his own feelings, and tolerate physical assaults until his wife decides to behave like an adult. Infantilizing her doesn’t make the abuse any less serious. It just absolves her of accountability while placing the entire burden on him.
I was actually in a marriage like this myself. And guess what? I left her ass. I got an attorney who helped me figure out how to document what was happening, gather evidence, and protect my interests. I didn’t just resign myself to being someone’s emotional punching bag.
OP should seriously consider speaking with a family law attorney rather than relying on advice from Daddit. This is absolutely a potential “leave her” situation, and he needs to understand his options for protecting himself and pursuing custody of his children. And let’s not overlook the kids here. Someone who resorts to physical violence against their spouse raises legitimate concerns about how they might treat their children, particularly as those children get older and become more challenging.
Being a good husband and father doesn’t mean accepting abuse. There’s a difference between emotional maturity and being a doormat, and framing the latter as some noble masculine sacrifice is incredibly damaging.
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u/putpatrol 7h ago
Nah actual deadly injury is an immediate out. Gotta get them locked up for sure. And honestly props to you for leaving dude, reminds me I need to get some cameras for my place to start recording stuff.
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u/ooa3603 7h ago edited 7h ago
As condescending as this is to her and your wife I think there's at least a grain of truth in it.
I think this is the culmination of what patriarchy (the system and set of beliefs, not that men are inherently evil) does to people, it stunts their psychological development so they are less equipped to provide support for themselves and others. The patriarchal beliefs lead people to focus on things that validate their ego in the short term, but not the long term. In addition it blinds them to the reality of life and the true nature of men, women, love and parenthood. And it does this to men as well. So as you say, you end up with adults that are functionally children mentally.
On top of that internal compromise to men and women's development, you have a hyper capitalistic society that's destroyed the sources of emotional, financial and people resources parents used to be able to rely on to raise children. And that's because our version of laissez faire capitalism prioritizes profits not human well being. And you know what gets in the way of profits? Children, mothers, regulations, anything that can't be immediately exploited or used for generating money.
So in capitalism's unrelenting search for infinite growth and extraction of resource's, it was inevitable that some of those resources extracted would be the village resources parents used to rely on.
I've been on this subreddit for a while and this post and what OP and so many other parents in other posts are going through, is a symptom of these two main systems of control and extraction. And until people accept that fact instead of remaining in denial so that collective action is taken, its only going to get worse.
To put it short, our societal setup is compromising peoples ability to be parents on a systemic scale because its demanding ever more production while also parasitizing them psychologically and physically.
That said I think for OP, I think there is some truth in what you said in how he needs to approach this. For all of the factors i stated above, she is not able to deal with the rock and hard place of their economic situation and the demands of parenthood and pregnancy.
Likely OP isnt really either, he's just doesn't have to deal with the affects of pregnancy, so he has just barely more capacity.
Ultimately if what OP is saying is true he may have to provide temporary unconditional love (which is supposed to be just for children) in order to get through this with the marriage intact. If that is what he wants. He would not be wrong to want to end the marriage either.
I think OP needs to decide if he wants to stay married, and if so, get with professionals in domestic abuse on the tactics to navigate this.
At the same time they need to figure out how they can change their situation to give them more time and resources to get through this parenthood phase. Maybe OP can negotiate something at work
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u/putpatrol 7h ago edited 7h ago
Fair points tbh, but it’s not condescending. We’re talking about people who are committing domestic abuse. They are not good people. If I called a husband hitting a wife an immature child, would that be condescending?
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u/ooa3603 7h ago
Of course not, but I think you come off condescending because you're not acknowledging the very valid circumstances around the behavior.
That said, she crossed a line and maybe she is in fact incapable of regulating her behavior and OP would be in the right to end the marriage over.
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u/Gold_End_9139 4h ago
Would there still be "very valid circumstance" worth considering if it was a husband who hit his wife? We all should exam the massive double standard that exists.
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u/latswipe 5h ago
all these guys who're telling you about domestic violence being a hard line, that's bad advice. If you hit her, that's a hard line. Not to be sexist, but the physical reality is what it is.
also, I know you're tired and lost, but consider that you haven't been bringing your work face to your home life. It sucks, but you have to roll with the punches because your family is an investment.
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u/TruckinUpToBuffalo 9h ago
If you had a woman in your life who was hit by a male partner like this and she said she wanted to stay, what would be your take?
Sorry, man. I’ve been in this relationship before. Once they bring physical violence into the relationship, it’s not easy to get it out of it. And god help you the day you get pushed far enough and swing back.
Best of luck.