I feel disgusting

[u/ReplacementGlad4947]

I just ate at a local restaurant and had my usual meal, but I heard them talking about me. I think one of the employees, when she saw my picture, was gasped, thought the other was lying at first, and then thought "she [i.e., me] was so pretty before" and so she asked if the other employee was okay with that. But the other corrected her and said it was a "transv\*stite." Don't know exactly what they said. But I felt really disgusting after that. I heard the more negative voice say "yuck" a bit later. I had been friendly with them before, but not anymore. I guess they hadn't known. It feels like when you transition you burn a bunch of your bridges one way. Then you burn your bridges the other way. I started crying on my way home.

I feel like I deserve to feel disgusting, though, because what I was doing was ultimately immoral. I was lying about my sex and in doing so I was also basically making a mockery of the female sex and spreading a harmful ideology. After I cut my hair short and after I started concealing rather than emphasizing my breasts I looked like an unremarkable guy once again. The estrogen had basically zero effect on my actual body other than a slightly younger looking face and boobs. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore, it's just some fucking dude. But that was me the whole time. I was just indulging in a delusion of mine in which I had no right to indulge.

And I realize it's probably a lot harder for a lot of detransitioners, especially female detransitioners. Most don't have the privilege of just getting a haircut and changing clothes and that's it. I was basically playing a stupid dress up game the whole time I was on HRT and there was never anything more to it. Just, I feel like I'm back at square 1 and feel almost just as bad as I did before transitioning. I don't know what I'm going to do.

[u/emynona_ana]

You’re NOT disgusting, you’re a human being, a multidimensional person just trying to exist in this crazy world.

Personally I feel like, okay you’re male, yes that’s your biological sex, but that doesn’t have to mean anything more than that, does it?
You want to have long hair? Do it!! You wanna wear makeup? Do it!! You wanna wear a dress and heels? Do it!! Yes you are male, but there is no “correct” way to be male!! You can still be beautiful and pretty and express yourself in any way you want <3

[u/Hefty-Material-2077]

I want to push back on your self criticism a little bit. You don’t deserve to feel disgusting. Even if you still ID’d as trans, it would still not give people a right to treat you this way.

[u/DarichUbish]

You sound sweet and thoughtful. Not many people can look so directly at this situation. Don't be so hard on yourself. These people are just some idiots.

[u/Resetti_Surveillance]

I really respect you for posting this. I don’t say that sarcastically, I genuinely mean you have recognized and admitted something I think a lot of people would never open their mouths about especially so early in detransition. A lot of us beat around the bush and cope weirdly before admitting certain things, but you seem to be tackling it right off the bat so props to you.

I heard this thing a therapist allegedly said: “it might not be fair but it is fact. And the sooner we deal with the facts, the sooner we can address the problem and work towards a solution”. You seem to be doing good at that.

Anyway, I’m not detrans male, so I can’t give the best advice tailored to your exact situation, but I can generally say it does get better. It might get worse at first, or up and down and up and down, but in the long haul the trajectory gets better. I’m 8 years out of detransition. The scars will always stay with you (metaphorically and literally in my case), but you learn what works and what doesn’t and you have time apart from who you once were vs who you are in the present.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, man. Life is fucked up enough as it is. People talk/say shit because they’re bored and don’t understand the depth of the situation.

Potentially helpful quote: "The first arrow hurts, why do we shoot the second arrow into us, ourselves? In life, we can't always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. The second arrow is optional."

Don’t beat yourself up man. Not to sound like an overly sickly sweet cheerleader but seriously! Keep going, give yourself some grace, the world is tough but you’re tougher. Much love and support ❤️

[u/ReplacementGlad4947 → u/Resetti_Surveillance]

Thanks, I really appreciated your comment. Yeah, I guess you've just got to look the truth in the face, something I avoided the whole time before. You don't come off as some sickly sweet cheerleader, I appreciate your perspective as a detransitioner even if you're not a detrans male specifically.

[u/Bossishlike]

Same lol

[u/ReplacementGlad4947 → u/Bossishlike]

So how did you detransition, then?

[u/Bossishlike → u/ReplacementGlad4947]

Took a whole bunch of psychedelics tbh.

And I kind of realize I’m not a woman when I’m a transgender woman, I’m a man playing dress up, convincing himself and attempting to convince everybody else that he is the one thing that he could never be.

Tripping on balls I read the Wikipedia page for human mating strategies and I kinda realized… well no shit no wonder I feel like such a looser. Ever since then I couldn’t look at myself the same way again. I slowly unfollowed all the tran s content creators on Instagram, kinda finding them to be sex workers and I have no reason to compare myself to them.

And most importantly? I accepted that I can be a feminine guy, I can dress up, wear skirts, have emotions, and act however I want and still be a guy.

This world has very very strict rules for who a man can be, and men are supposed to just take it without any regard for their own emotional wellbeing.

Just today, at my church, some women (and a trans guy) were looking about how they should be born into a guild of all other women so they can have access to women only services and safety.

Like… men don’t want to be safe? Men are allowed to feel like they aren’t safe and find community in other men. Literally looked at the other guy in the conversation like “should I address the elephant in the room”

Being a man is hard, no shit running away and being a woman is seen as an easy way out by so many, whether they know it or not. I wish I could be soft and pretty and protected just because of my sex.

Good thing I can be.

[u/Bossishlike → u/Bossishlike]

Also I worked for a company for a while and we got a transwoman manager and she would be so crazy and on top of things much much more than the other management.

Why?

Because if she didn’t, they could fire her and she would die without healthcare because she cut her gonads off.

[u/ReplacementGlad4947]

Idk, sorry if this is against the rules, I'm not trying to catasteophize detransition. My fault for doing it impulsively. Does anyone have any advice on coping with it?

[u/recursive-regret → u/ReplacementGlad4947]

Idk, sorry if this is against the rules, I'm not trying to catasteophize detransition

You're good, the rule was made specifically about me

Does anyone have any advice on coping with it?

Not really, I'm pretty much stuck in the same mindset for ~4 years now

[u/OtterWithKids → u/ReplacementGlad4947]

I wish I did. I never passed in the first place, so going back was quite easy for me. I did lose a lot of friends, though; almost everyone that loved me as a “woman” abandoned me when I went back to presenting as my actual sex.

[u/ReplacementGlad4947 → u/OtterWithKids]

I'm sorry, that sounds pretty sad. It must feel horrible to realize all your friends are fair-weather friends. I lost friends transitioning but didn't have anyone that really liked me like that during transition, only online friends. I still have friends from before transition but we were never all that close in the first place.

[u/OtterWithKids → u/ReplacementGlad4947]

Well, my wife stayed with me through it all, so that was the most important part. (Not that she wasn’t relieved when I stopped; my love for her was a big reason for my doing so.)