r/expat • u/Due_Argument7479 • 7d ago
Question Visiting home and having FOMO but also feeling like I don’t belong
I’ve lived away from my birth country for over a decade, but I have a really close group of friends from high school in Australia. Whenever I’m away, I miss them and wish I could see them. But when I’m near them, I experience the usual FOMO anxiety and feel like I don’t quite fit in.
The funny thing is that, even as a child, I always wanted to move to Europe and didn’t want to be in Australia. I eventually moved back to my European roots, but now I find myself missing my friends in Australia and wishing I could see them. It’s such a confusing feeling because when I’m with them, I often feel isolated and want to return to my life in Europe.
I feel completely lost and lonely, yet I seem to feel this way no matter where I am.
For context; I’m a first-generation Australian who moved back to my European roots, and I’m also an only child. A lot of my family is scattered around the world, so there’s no perfect place for me to be. Having a baby has also intensified my need for community and a sense of belonging.
Can anyone relate to this? Does it change as you get older? Sometimes I wonder if my friendships in Australia no longer fit who I am, but at the same time, I still have this desperate need to feel included.
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u/aFalseSlimShady 7d ago
Ain't shit happening back home. People are getting married and divorced and having kids and watching sports until they die.
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u/GrunpyGranny 6d ago
Read Thomas Wolfe ‘You can’t go home again’ which is not to say it’s impossible but you are irrevocably changed by the experience of being away in a way in which those you left behind are not, but at the same time they have also moved on. However you view each other from the perspective you had when you left.
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u/Due_Argument7479 5d ago
Thank you for the recommendation, I will look it up. I think my parents feel this, they have never really felt settled and when they go home, feel like outsiders.
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u/Wulflam 6d ago
This is one of the downsides of the expat life. Your experiences abroad shape you as a person in a way your friends who haven’t left the country can understand. A good friend of mine lived for 20 years in the Middle East before he retired and returned home to Germany. He really looked forward to it because he missed his group of friends he had since school days. They never left their small town and he was the only one who lived abroad. After 1 year, he was back in the Middle East. He said he just felt that he didn’t fit in. Whenever they talked about something, they discussed this with their life experience and the small town horizon because that was everything they knew. At the same time, he didn’t really share their past experience. And felt the only choice was between staying quiet or sounding like an arrogant a…hole when referring to “this was how we did in Oman or Saudi” - but that was all he knew and experienced. That was nobodies fault or intention, but just the consequence of having very different lives. And that is what most expats experience over time.
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u/Due_Argument7479 5d ago
Thanks for this, I think this is my greatest moving “home”. How do you relate when your live have changed so much. I hope your friend is content now :)
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u/Wulflam 5d ago
I think he made his peace with returning to the Middle East. He is now working as a freelance consultant, which gives him more flexibility, and he has accepted that it is as it is.
For myself, it is a bit different: I don't have any close friends left from my time at school and university. All my close friends are also expats and we share the experience of living abroad in different countries and cultures.time
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u/Due_Argument7479 5d ago
Thanks for sharing. Sometimes I sort of wish I didn’t have this school friend base but I realise I am lucky and that’s just running away from the hard feelings. I need to learn to deal with my feelings. I am glad you’re able to by the sounds of it :)
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u/UshankaBear 6d ago
Look up 3rd culture kids. Some people don't have a home like other people do. And it's okay. Don't try chasing a feeling others experience, stick to what brings you joy.
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u/Due_Argument7479 6d ago
Yeah this is true I guess. It certainly is when I also have a family spread across the world. 3rd culture kid seems to be me :)
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u/telchacsusan 7d ago
It's definitely a sensation many of us feel. Someone asked me recently where I considered "home" and I realized I don't have a home. So, I guess, it's wherever I lay my hat.